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Original poster

Is this enough support?

47 replies

Ruth58d · 21/02/2023 16:35

Hello ladies

I am respectfully seeking advice on the arrangement we have with my husband's ex. Looking for impartial feedback about whether we are being reasonable with what we provide.

If you had the following arrangement with your ex for two teenage daughters would you be satisfied or do you think he could be doing more?

Maintenance £500 per month
Child benefit goes to you
He pays half of all school trips
He pays £40 pocket money direct to both girls
They each have their own bedroom in our home
He does 100% of the journeys 120 mile round trip
Shared care alternate Half Terms
One week each at Easter
Alternate Christmas / New Year week
Two and a half weeks in August
One additional weekend per month (used to be two weekends when they were younger)
He buys birthday/Christmas presents and takes girls on a 10 day holiday abroad every August

Thank you for any constructive criticism.

By the way this is not a new arrangement it has been in place for about the last 6 years.

Just wondering how this compares to others' experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruth58d · 21/02/2023 17:19

Nights per year is more than 52.

They came two weekends per month when they were younger but now they are older they only want to come for one and they are happy with that.

Maintenance has of course gone up over the 6 years in line with salary and CMS calculations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruth58d · 21/02/2023 17:21

Thank you everyone who has provided constructive advice.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 21/02/2023 17:22

Could you agree for her to do half of the travelling and he will give extra money?

Hotvimto3 · 21/02/2023 17:36

I dont get anywhere near that and my ex is on £50k i could only dream of that support

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 18:00

Ruth58d · 21/02/2023 17:19

Nights per year is more than 52.

They came two weekends per month when they were younger but now they are older they only want to come for one and they are happy with that.

Maintenance has of course gone up over the 6 years in line with salary and CMS calculations.

By the way this is not a new arrangement it has been in place for about the last 6 years.

well why say this if actually maintenance has increased every year with inflation and any salary increases.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 18:01

Overthebow · 21/02/2023 17:22

Could you agree for her to do half of the travelling and he will give extra money?

It’s about a 2 -2.5 hour round journey once a month.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 18:10

Ruth58d · 21/02/2023 17:19

Nights per year is more than 52.

They came two weekends per month when they were younger but now they are older they only want to come for one and they are happy with that.

Maintenance has of course gone up over the 6 years in line with salary and CMS calculations.

According to your op… 55 nights a year

PeekAtYou · 21/02/2023 18:13

It sounds like he's doing a fair job. He is not unreasonable if he said that he couldn't afford any more money.

Is there a reason why the 120 mile trip once a month is so hard though? I'm guessing that he's not referring to the coat of petrol?

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 18:14

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 21/02/2023 17:13

CMS calculator says £531 a month on £40k based on up to 52 days with him a year

And that’s presuming he doesn’t pay a penny in to his pension as CMS calculated after pension deductions

Heatwavenotify · 21/02/2023 18:44

I think people saying, ‘well I don’t get anything so he’s doing a great job’, is ridiculous. The man pays barely minimum cms and doesn’t get involved in raising his kids day to day. Then says he struggling to pick them up on a two hour drive once a month. I wouldn’t class that as doing a fine job. The ex sounds like she is doing a fine job.

S72 · 21/02/2023 18:49

My DS is 11.

His dad pays £300 per month. Sees him around 4 hrs per month, sometimes less.

No overnights. No holidays. No support in times of illness.

He has unrestricted access but only does the above. His choice.

SpinningFloppa · 21/02/2023 18:49

Heatwavenotify · 21/02/2023 18:44

I think people saying, ‘well I don’t get anything so he’s doing a great job’, is ridiculous. The man pays barely minimum cms and doesn’t get involved in raising his kids day to day. Then says he struggling to pick them up on a two hour drive once a month. I wouldn’t class that as doing a fine job. The ex sounds like she is doing a fine job.

But the question was would we be satisfied with this and yes compared to my ex that does nothing (no contact) and pays no maintenance at all yes I would be very happy with this.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 21/02/2023 19:02

Maintenance £500 per month from later posts this appears to be slightly over cms minimum for his income so seems OK to me.

Child benefit goes to you as it should as the resident parent
He pays half of all school trips legally he doesn't have to do this, morally it's the right thing to do
He pays £40 pocket money direct to both girls legally/morally as school trips. But does/can mum afford to give them pocket money? I also don't think that's part of the 'support' as far as mum is concerned. It's spending money for his DC.
They each have their own bedroom in our home not support, parenting
He does 100% of the journeys 120 mile round trip who moved away? As mum will be doing 100% of the running around the rest of the time (drs, dentist etc) I think this is fair
Shared care alternate Half Terms
One week each at Easter
Alternate Christmas / New Year week all sounds fair.
Two and a half weeks in August Great, but shouldn't be considered exceptional/ above and beyond
One additional weekend per month Good
He buys birthday/Christmas presents and takes girls on a 10 day holiday abroad every August not support, but basic parenting.

Fwiw I get no maintenence, ex refuses to pick the dc up to see him (15 min drive, if that) never has them over night, has taken them on holiday once in 13 years, wants to alternate birthday and Christmas but not new year because it's not convenient.

Heatwavenotify · 21/02/2023 19:20

@SpinningFloppa sure you would. But let’s say someone who gets nothing but suffers from an abusive ex hounding her and her kids daily…they would probably be happy with no contact. It’s not a race to the bottom. Is her husband reasonable in terms of parenting? I would say scraping the minimum of stepping up. Plenty of worse fathers. Plenty of better. His lack of parenting and running around his kids day to day makes him scraping. Moaning about driving once a month when the mother facilitates every day….that pushes him into the poor category for me.

SpinningFloppa · 21/02/2023 19:27

Some people will never be happy no matter how much their ex does or how much they pay!

Teatime55 · 21/02/2023 19:42

Sounds like he should have them more, however if they don’t want to come, what do you do.

I imagine the drive is difficult if it’s a Friday night?

Original poster
Ruth58d · 21/02/2023 22:27

The journey is hard because it takes 2 hours there and 1 hour back in Friday night traffic. On Sunday it is less probably 2 hours total. 240 miles of driving in one weekend on top of full time work is tiring. The girls comment it is tiring for them too after being at school. It is 240 miles or 480 miles per month depending if the month also has a school holiday in it. But he does it without complaining because that's what he has to do to spend time with them. He would love to do more of the running around but how can he when they live 60 miles away? He had no say in that.

Thank you for the respectful and constructive comments.

OP posts:
Mumuser124 · 21/02/2023 23:26

How much more is the mother asking for? Does the CMS take into account the cost of travel?

converseandjeans · 21/02/2023 23:40

It probably also depends on how much his ex earns? Do the girls get pupil premium help with trips, free school meals?

I don't think 40k is a huge salary with his own household to run. So I would assume you work OP?

Not everyone gets pay rises every year. I think it sounds plenty.

Is there any chance girls could get the train? Could DH stay in a Travelodge nearby to where girls live?

Original poster
Ruth58d · 22/02/2023 00:07

@Mumuser124 I'm not too sure really. She doesn't have any specific requests just says we are not doing enough by far, similar to some commenters on this thread calling him a bad dad etc.

Unfortunately the cost and time the journey takes is a barrier to him spending more time with them, hence I said it was the most difficult part of the arrangement. Yes the CMS is reduced by something like £4 per month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruth58d · 22/02/2023 00:19

@converseandjeans Thank you for your suggestions.

He has tried the Premier Inn option but found it expensive taking into account 2 nights accommodation plus meals. The train is a great suggestion but without the cooperation of Mum they have no way of getting to and from the train station at the other end.

Mum earns a similar amount to my husband and doesn't appear to be struggling financially at all. Yes I work full time too. I don't think we could afford everything without my wage too.

OP posts:
COS2102 · 22/02/2023 20:27

Sounds like Mum moved away? If so, then looking at that and the fact the girls didn't want to come two weekends a month anymore then I'm not sure what more Mum wants? The girls to be forced in the car, so you have them more frequently? Some posters here are only focusing on the maintenance payments and not the added extras which your husband has chosen to do above the minimum expected from CMS. I feel like this is a situation where, with some people, you just can't win.

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