School holiday . I'm working. 13 yo won't do anything

[TheOrigRights]

Please help.

I am working (from home).
DS(13) won't do anything. His 2 close friends are not available. He will not contact any others.
He will not go out.
I can enable him to do stuff - take him somewhere to meet friends.
I can enable him to cook, do craft, do ANYTHING other than the xbox.
He will not. We have come to blows before 9am on day 1 of the holiday. I am in tears.

What can I actually do? What are all you parents who are better than me doing?
He says EVERYONE is busy and having fabulous times (they're not - they're also just sitting on xbox).

He’s 13, he probably just wants to go on his Xbox. That’s socialising.

I’d leave him alone.

My DS13 is the same - he’ll go out and do things if I take him, but otherwise he’ll just sit and game. He doesn’t go out unless it’s something I have arranged.

He did help me yesterday in the garden but only because I was out there and asked him - he would not do it on his own.

It’s hard, I don’t have a solution. I have looked at sports clubs but he’s not keen.

It's just normal 13yo behaviour, unfortunately. Just don't beat yourself up, they are usually playing with their friends. So plenty of socialising.

I do however give my teen DC a small list of things to do like hoover, dishwasher make lunch... just to get them off the screen for a few minutes.

Just let him go on the Xbox. A few days of too much screen use in the holidays is not the end of the world.

Give him a few chores and leave him be, if he is not disturbing you.

Does he need to do something? If he’s bored, let him be bored. You can set the limits (aka no Xbox) and suggest a few activities and then let him be. Boredom and learning to be bored is a great life skill.

I share your pain...... I'm just praying training (football & running) is still on this week so at least he goes out & does something useful for a bit. We used to have great half term breaks when they were younger

My 13 DS is still in bed, as is his 10 year old sister.
Either dh or I will be off for the whole holiday because of the 10 year old, but I’m reluctant to take them on days out/go away, because I am looking after my dm who is having cancer treatment, chemo later this week makes her immunicompromised, so we are being very careful about mixing. It’s doing my head in.

…., posted too soon….

But yes, ds will probably spend most of the day on the PlayStation.

If you have to work, this isn't a hill I'd die on. He wants some chill time which, for him, is his X Box. Certainly not worth arguments before 9am on the first day.

You could try out and out bribery - give him X amount of money if he reads x number of chapters / whole novel this week, but my Year 8 DS wouldn't have the self motivation to do anything creative or constructive either. Bite your lip Let him be.

I'd agree with you; I suspect my DS would agree with your boy. For 4 days up until the long holiday weekend, it's not worth the hassle. Bake / do more enriching stuff at the weekend. For us this was the whole of lockdown. I had to work and DS would do nothing "useful" without prolonged nagging, so stuff didn't get done.

OK, maybe I setting too high standards? I think it's really unhealthy to sit on the xbox pretty much all day. He needs to get fresh air and exercise.
He needs to see real people.
No, he's not bored, I just feel awful that he's frying his brains staring mindlessly at a screen. It must be so bad for his eyes.

If this was the first time or just a one off I'd agree that a few days of hiding in his room would be fine.
But I have been a lone parent for many years - this is a pattern I dread.
Is this it until he leaves home? We have 6 weeks in the summer coming up.

Totally normal for teens! Mine’s in bed and I don’t expect her to emerge before 11. Boys in particular seem to socialise via their X-boxes etc rather than F2F. Leave him be and in about three years things will improve.

Are you doing the same (staring at a screen) whilst WFH?

During lockdown DS’s school provided full day remote provision. Some parents were concerned about length of screen time so school factored in longer breaks between lessons. Guess what some pupils did during these breaks - went on their x-box!

and I'm having a pity party because most of my friends seem to have some support. I need to mute some whatapp groups I'm on as it doesn't help.

@TheOrigRights DS was very like this at 12-13. But now he's older - started from about 14 up, he's much more keen to be playing football outside with his friends or going to the gym.
So just accept it for now because you need to get your work done and don't worry for now about it being the pattern for the next 6 years.

I don't see the Xbox as you : 'frying their brains', I see it totally differently. I see it as a way of socialising. He's perfectly happy. Be grateful for that. He could be miserable, have no friends, chronic anxiety, struggling at school.

My Ds2 plays endless x box. He also meets friends locally to play football. And go to the cinema. Could you persuade him to go to the cinema?

It’s a constant argument I have with DH. He was a very active teen and also lived in a large city so him and his mates could go places easily. He would also spend days and days just finishing. And his mother made him go shopping with her for hours and hours because she wanted company.

Strangely teen DD isn’t exactly the same. She’s good at occupying herself with small tasks still but he thinks she should be out constantly. Her friends also don’t really want to go out.
I’m stuck for ideas to get her out except for shopping. I was dragged out as a teenager and I bloody hated it. We lived far out of town so there was no where to go so we all stayed in a lot too.

Also for the summer are you taking any leave at all, I would try to take at least one week off and do something together and/or see if he and his pals want to go to PGL if you can afford it.

I'm a sahm of a 14 year old boy...he does nothing. Well an occasional run but apart from that he appears to be superglued to the sofa and the Xbox controller appears to be superglued to his hand. I feel your pain!

I never even thought about what my thirteen year old would do on the days I worked. He did see friends, I'd often come home and they would be there but other than that he programmed computers (he was and is a geek), and did musical stuff. He never got up early so the streets were well aired by the time he did :-).

Don't worry, your son is old enough to make up his own mind about what he wants to do.

And it's compounded by the fact my older son is spending a few days with his Dad. DS2 should be there too, but has NO relationship with my ex. DS1 was older when we split (10 years between the kids) and has his own adult relationship with his Dad.

I feel better for these responses, thank you.

My son Is 15 and has ASD. His x box is his way of socialising. It's his holiday. My rules are that he showers and dresses. Eats meals with me. Walks the dog and does the chores I ask of him. I'm only working three days so happy for him to do his own thing.

We have plans for the days I'm not working but I'm rather relaxed about the x box. In my day I listened to music and read in my room all day and saw friends.

I would let him have today but with the pre warn that tomorrow the Xbox will be off and will be until there is a plan for how he will spend he rest of the week which needs to include a mix of social, hobby/interests and chores.

But the x-box probably covers social, hobby, interests!