School holiday . I'm working. 13 yo won't do anything

[TheOrigRights]

Please help.

I am working (from home).
DS(13) won't do anything. His 2 close friends are not available. He will not contact any others.
He will not go out.
I can enable him to do stuff - take him somewhere to meet friends.
I can enable him to cook, do craft, do ANYTHING other than the xbox.
He will not. We have come to blows before 9am on day 1 of the holiday. I am in tears.

What can I actually do? What are all you parents who are better than me doing?
He says EVERYONE is busy and having fabulous times (they're not - they're also just sitting on xbox).

Taking the holiday as afternoons is genius! Great way to get out on their schedule and get work done.

I have similar issues, I make sure he goes on the trampoline/plays basketball in the garden for at least an hour each day and then otherwise leave him be on the Xbox. And we all eat supper together but he can eat lunch in his room.

I’ll invite one of his friends round for a hang out (used to be called a play date). We do family days out at the weekend when I’m not working.

Other than that, meh, it’s his chatting to friends/time off school thing.

I am also a single Mum and get it totally. You can only do what you can do.

I have a teen son. The amount of communicating he does via the PS is equivalent to the amount of communicating his sister does via messaging on SM apps imo. I don't think that one is better than the other. I guess talking via headset is closer to a voice call like we did with the old yelp thrown in because they are playing a game.

Stop Press: the teenager is outside. With a friend. With a football.

Ha ha they never lose the capacity to surprise.
Plus I think as they get older, their capacity to spend hours on the xbox reduces and is boring even to them, but if you nag them about it they'll spend more time on it to annoy you.

I wouldn't worry too much, my DD15 is pretty much the same. She comes out of her room when she wants food. I have a few days off work so will have some days out with her, so perhaps make a plan to do some things together. Don't know where you are but the weather is meant to be nice for the next few days so take advantage. Honestly don't stress, your teen isn't the only one like this!

When I was that age I was quite happy to spend all day, every day inside in my room.

I didn’t have (or want) a games console, for me it was reading or playing on my laptop.

Thing is it was the same principle. My parents also despaired and tried various ways to get me to get out of the house into the fresh air. I hated it and would also be willing time to pass so I could go back to my pit.

However, eventually I emerged from my pit and I became a bit more active and social.

All is not lost, I think this is perfectly normal for some teenagers and it doesn’t mean this is it.

Your update is great. I think what you need to ask yourself is in 10 years when your son looks back at his school holidays is he going to remember them as a fun time, a break from school where he could do what he liked or forced activities because his Mum thinks he should be outside?

We practically lived outside when we were children, that was the 70s/80s for me but we had 3 tv channels pretty much all of which were dedicated to the adults in the house. For fun I actually brought up the tv listing for the BBC to show my children the teeny slot for children which included Blue Peter and Newsround before the 6pm back over to stuff for the adults.

If we'd have had gaming consoles, the internet, streaming services and devices in our hands we would have probably spent a lot more time indoors too.

Here I am again.

Non pupil day. He has made some attempt (I think) to find a friend.
One said he wasn't allowed to go into town.
Another is with other friends at the cinema.
Others have just said 'no' or 'I'm busy' apparently.

So, he's sitting in the house doing fuck all while I'm feeling alone and tense in the garden office working.
I cannot do this for the whole forthcoming summer holiday. He won't go to camps and stuff (he's 13, I understand his reluctance).
He will have a week away with his older brother and maybe older brother might spend some time at home as well. But this leave weeks and weeks of nothing.

What the hell do other lone parent who are working full time do?

I'm tempted to take my laptop and go into town to work as the atmosphere at home is horrible. But what message does that send to my son? That he can't find a friend and even his Mum can't help.

I just wish he had a hobby or interest.

I've had people say "oh yeah, it's totally normal for them to be like this, I'm lucky that mine don't play xbox and prefer to be outside". Piss off.

Schools get 13 weeks off.
I don't. You think I wouldn't like to have more time off?

Is he happy?

Could he arrange another cinema trip another week?

What does he normally do at weekends?

Get him to cook dinner once a week, do some chores?

Has he got any school work he needs to do?

Yes, I am fortunate that I can afford to book him onto something - he doesn't want to. I can drive him to the gym or to town.
His brother is quite a distance from us, so can't just come for the odd day here at there.
No, there are no relatives nearby.
I really don't feel comfortable asking my friends to take him and then offering to pay. What I'd love (and I realise it's completely egocentric of me) is for my friends who have the whole summer off, to offer to take DS out.

No, he's miserable.
Yes, of course he can go to the cinema another day.
I am not working at the weekends. Although he spends a lot of time gaming, I am popping in and out of his room, or we do stuff together.
The weekends are not a problem.

He already does cook meals a few times a week.
He is up to date with his school work (and there won't be any over the summer).

He already does chores.

If he is miserable does he not need to start taking some responsibility to find something to do, if there are things he can go to.

In an ideal world what would he do, I assume it would not be hang around with his mum for 13 weeks (no offence OP). Is the problem his friends are ignoring him?

In my experience this is the worst age for holidays, too old for being corralled into holiday camps unless they have a real special interest but too young to be entirely self starting . You have my sympathies.

one thing we used to find worked well was learning a new skill, so every summer they had to think of something . One year ds decided to teach himself magic tricks , another he decided to learn to bake, another he organised posters and photos for his room, and another he learnt some new songs for his guitar, this summer ( he’s 20😮) he’s learning some veggie recipes for next year at uni ( funny how things stick!) . Nothing too ambitious at 13, just something that needs a bit of practice. Also don’t be afraid to ask friends for the occasional day, everyone needs help sometime and they might appreciate a weekend day off in return .

Over the weekend, have a discussion on your expectations for the holidays, and listen to HIS expectations as well. Reach a compromise.

A few days of screen time to unwind is fine. We've had summers where there has been a lot of screen time. School is hard work these days so there is a need to reboot and rest. But some chores and some clubs spread out as well. Asking for socialising didn't work. Arranging some family activities to get out and about were ok (weekends, the odd day I could take off etc).

But as a 16 YO this year, confidence has come and relationships are better and communications are happening, so I am now getting a call when in the office asking for a lift home in the evening. Or we have seen her going out to meet people while walking the dog (rather than just tromping the route in isolation). And there is definitely a lot more chat on the phone (mostly text rather than physically speaking - but communication!) than we had seen. Last summer we had a LOT of xbox. So this is a huge improvement for us.

Also, someone very wise once said to me that ‘you are their parent not their entertainment system’ . Sometimes they have to be bored and grumpy so that they can find a way to entertain themselves. Being bored is part of life. This is a life skill , we spent weeks being bored in the 1970s but actually thinking back that’s when I discovered my interests for myself. Remember it’s also only week one , he is readjusting to life outside school and not being regimented all the time he just needs to get used to it.

Just leave him. He's relaxing in his own way

You say he will do things with you. So schedule something in that you can do together when you aren't working - and present it as something to look forward to.

It is a good thing he wants to do things with you. Believe me, there will come a time soon when he doesn't want to do that either!

Depending on your work, is there anything he can do to contribute & feel productive? I got DD to design a logo for my business. It’s clearly done by a child so I’m not really going to use it for anything but it made her feel involved and I also got her to format & send to print a few business cards with that logo on. She feels involved, confident in her skills and also learned a few useful things. She’s also ‘taken notes’ for me.

Is there a local gym nearby he can join? If you can convince him to get the bus to one then the bus journey + gym + bus home should surely take up at least 2.5 hours of a day, maybe 3 week days a week?

Can you schedule that you do something with him in the evening after work even if it’s just nipping to Starbucks for a coffee so he has something to do? If you could do something small two evenings a week then that’s 2/5 days that he’s not just completely locking himself in his room for.

I totally get why you aren’t happy with this.
I have teens. We negotiate screen time. An hour of exercise, some chores and a few face to face meet ups are expected and scheduled.
I wouldn’t leave a teen from dawn to dusk on a screen. It’s really not healthy.
we agree times in advance and then it goes off.
I also enrol my teens in some exercise camps like tennis etc. older ones organise their own holidays.
i would discuss it any length and agree boundaries. Basic expectations of fresh air, exercise, cooking meals and chores and maybe a part time job.

Can he sleepover at his brothers house once a week?
drop him at the gym in your lunch hour - or cycle there and back?
speak to his friends parents - could they do a few days mid week and you can return the favour at the weekend?
I set up a tent in the garden in the summer and they invite whoever they like and bring a sleeping bag. We have a fire pit for food and table tennis.