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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

School holiday . I'm working. 13 yo won't do anything

85 replies

TheOrigRights · 11/04/2022 09:20

Please help.

I am working (from home).
DS(13) won't do anything. His 2 close friends are not available. He will not contact any others.
He will not go out.
I can enable him to do stuff - take him somewhere to meet friends.
I can enable him to cook, do craft, do ANYTHING other than the xbox.
He will not. We have come to blows before 9am on day 1 of the holiday. I am in tears.

What can I actually do? What are all you parents who are better than me doing?
He says EVERYONE is busy and having fabulous times (they're not - they're also just sitting on xbox).

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Blurp · 11/04/2022 10:31

To get him some exercise and fresh air, can you send him to the shops to pick up a few things for lunch? (Assuming he can walk/cycle to one). Also set him a couple of chores each day (eg washing the breakfast dishes, making lunch) and otherwise let him crack on with the XBox for a few days.

MerryMarigold · 11/04/2022 10:34

My 13yo DS has some set times. He can have 2 hours in the day and then all evening from 7pm. He would be on it constantly if he could. Luckily I'm off work so can do a few things. He did try to get friends organized but they didn't want to (probably gaming too). He does dinner chores, some cooking, some reading. Only because he has to do something.

Nidan2Sandan · 11/04/2022 10:52

Leave him to it. My kids are full on home bodies, no interest in going out. They are 13, 11, 10 and tell me that after spending 7 weeks at school, having to go out they just want to be able to chill and sit in PJs all day (note, I dont allow PJs all day every day ). And I can understand that, one of the things I love about annual leave is not having to leave the house.

TeenTraumaTrials · 11/04/2022 11:22

I feel your pain. DD is studying for exams this holiday and DS13 will spent what I view as far too much time on his X-box. But he will also meet up with friends for a cycle or mooch about the streets, do some basic chores around the house including dog walking and is, for relatively modest payment, going to paint the fence with his friend - which spread over a few days is a good bit of time away from a screen.

In reality I think if you are working you need to relax about screen time - it's clear that this is the go-to for many teen boys and as many PPs have posted they are often socialising through it (even if it's not a way we'd choose to do that).

PurpleSneakers · 12/04/2022 03:37

I get what you are saying - a bit more balance of the Xbox with other things. And for what its worth, I agree for all the reasons you have stated. While It is easier just to leave them at it, easier doesn't always mean its the best thing for them.

Does he have any other passions - something to do with the xbox games perhaps that would entice him out? What did he used to like pre-xbox? If there wasn't much to eat in the house, would he venture out to get some food? Could he sign up for some kind of physical challenge with some of his mates?

Failing that I would probably do what pp have mentioned - bribery for tasks completed! And a plan for the week!

rolllan · 12/04/2022 04:29

@TeenTraumaTrials they're happiest on their games and socialising on headset so they're safe. But I do think they should be out a bit. But then the people who moan about useless kids on their games all the time as a bad thing, are the same people who hate a group of kids meeting up being a bit silly and having fun becaue they're children, and those people are moaning because they don't like a group of kids and getting annoyed because their parents areNt watching them so basically the kids can't win

rolllan · 12/04/2022 04:34

@PurpleSneakers my last post wasn't clear but il
Completely behind getting out, activities etc as a balance for gaming.
So glad it's getting nicer weather now so they can get out, call for mates and have a safe space to play without me watching. But if they didn't have that outdoor opportunity then they would spend all weekend on their games, because they're happy and chatting to mates and they're safe.

PurpleSneakers · 12/04/2022 04:53

Your post was clear, I was agreeing with what you said about balance (maybe my post wasn't clear)

OutlookStalking · 12/04/2022 05:10

My 13 year old will come out but only really if I take her/go for walk with her. Her school friends are mainly on holiday/doing things with their families so they weren't able to arrange any sleepovers as before.

Im working a few days this week and expect she will jusy watch stuff. I make sure we go out at the weekends and no n work days and sometimes walk in the evening as the light gets better. We drove to watch the sunset one night.

We dont really live somewhere where she can just roam the streets or has friends round the corner so I can't really expect that.

TheMoth · 12/04/2022 06:31

I've got one of these. He even bumped into a couple of mates from school at the park, when he was waking his sister to her mate's, but chose to come home. No one was even on xbox during the day yesterday, but he still played.

I will make him do random chores throughout the day, but it does worry me. Then again, I was an anti social 12 year old too , but mainly, I think, through awkwardness and not really knowing where I fit. Certainly wasn't like that by 16!

nicesausages · 12/04/2022 06:42

This might be completely impractical- but maybe get him a dog or pet, something he has to take responsibility for?

Also, I give mine lists of small chores, change your bed, go out and buy some bread, empty dishwasher, here's some money to buy T-shirt in town (get the bus), to give them a break from the screen. I make up a few unnecessary chores sometimes! I do feel the same way as you about the Xbox. Playing it 12 hours a day is not healthy for physical or mental reasons. But seems I'm different to quite a few with that opinion, which I accept.

The other thing my DS has got into recently is Dungeons and Dragons, which has to be played in person. I've no understanding of it, but keeps him very happy.

Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 06:48

No judgement OP
But did you not think about this / chat with him before “day 1”?

I have a 12 year old. I arranged a few things before day 1 and we chatted. So some “empty days” and some days where I have booked some (axe throwing, a friend over (contacted the mum!) and vice versa)

I’ve also agreed that he will clear out the garage(big job!) and I will pay him £30. That’s about three days work!

Also we have agreed school work mornings

Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 06:51

If he’s in a particularly lazy mood

I will say I’ve run out of milk. He will grumble but I will ask him to walk to shop (20 mins away so decent walk there and back). And I’ll time over lunch and give him a fiver so he can pick up a sandwich meal deal whilst there. He will take his headphones and last time he stopped at park on way back and ate his lunch there.

Is about feigning disinterest sometimes ie please get me some milk” but actually you have a plan (get them out the house on a walk!)

MintJulia · 12/04/2022 06:56

I'm lone mum, ds is 13. He's on his Switch from the moment he wakes up.
However, I've arranged one thing per day for him and I'm not negotiating. He is not dying from blood clots on my watch
Today is a trip to Waterstones to buy books and spend his Xmas tokens.
Tomorrow we're going to the local police museum.
Thursday he has to make his own lunch because I have to go to the office.
Friday he is having a clay shooting lesson.
Saturday he has a swimming lesson
Sunday I will drag him out on his bike. In between , he returns to his Nintendo.

In his eyes I am Cruella d'Ville.....except he enjoys himself when he is out.

Notcreativeatall · 12/04/2022 06:57

We book DS to do things- eg holiday camps - to force the issue (he's an only child as well)
I still restrict screens even in holidays - not that much but some- we also have a dog so we make him do dog walks and if he has friends round they have to do stuff other than screens

MaryBeardsShoes · 12/04/2022 06:59

I'm a teacher and yesterday I spent half the day tidying up some admin and then half the day playing computer games. I wouldn't stress it tbh.

Shiteshow100 · 12/04/2022 07:01

Yeah it's normal. My daughter hardly left her room at 13. It was miserable. But she's out every weekend and nearly every day in the hols now. Boys tend to just want to game tho, my 11 year old is the same but does get bored and go out. I'm expecting that to change though.

RowanAlong · 12/04/2022 07:05

Can you afford to book him onto some more structured activities? Sports course/outdoor skills or similar? Or is there a relative or friend (or even someone you can pay) to take him out for a day to do something constructive/fun/educational? What’s his older brother up to - any free days to take him out?

Hesma · 12/04/2022 07:08

Either leave him to it or take time off and do things together

Passthecake30 · 12/04/2022 07:10

I have a 12 yr old dd and a ds coming up to 14. I’m working FT at home, with some huge deadlines so can’t take any time off. They come down for breakfast, I tell them to be dressed by midday, and then we go for a 45-60min walk, sometimes to a shop for nice things for lunch, sometimes to eat at a Subway (for example). Then we get home and they disappear until dinner. I think they generally potter in the morning (what’s left of it when they get up) and then stare at screens all afternoon. They have a 7.30 screen curfew but even after that, they stay upstairs, one reading, one drawing. I’m hoping in the summer they will get out more, most kids here hang in the local parks, just needs to be a bit warmer!

converseandjeans · 12/04/2022 07:29

Can you factor in a lunch break & go for a walk or go out once you're finished for the day?

I think it's fairly normal behaviour. They're forced to be with people all day at school so for some children the holidays are a relief.

There are always families who do lots of amazing trips away & seem to have kids with hobbies & interests. Social media doesn't help.

unknownorigins · 12/04/2022 07:38

Yesterday I said to my (almost) 13 yr old you can't spend all day sitting watching YouTube. So he put his Ipad away and went on his VR headset Like PPs I am enforcing at least one screen free activity a day. I'm going to teach him to cook a couple of basic meals, could you do that with him at the end of the working day?

TheMoth · 12/04/2022 07:42

I think we also forget what it's like to be a kid and have so much unstructured time to spend how you please.
I was a potterer and could waste hours doing... nothing really. But I also get distracted quite easily.
Spent hours and hours marking mocks yesterday, then had a fleeting thought about learning a song on the guitar (I do not play guitar), then dropped everything to try and learn some chords. Ended up working until late to recoup lost time. Can't feel my fingers today.

Bumpsadaisie · 12/04/2022 07:44

Why are you worrying so much? This week I'm working some days and not others. The days I'm not working we're going our for walks, seeing GPs etc. The days I am working the kids will be mostly on screens I'm sure!

They're nearly 13 and nearly 11. I expect eldest will do some drawing or play her guitar for a while but it will be mostly screens. Youngest will prob go to school field to kick football off the other kids on the lane are up for it but otherwise, screens.

They're back at school next week and they won't be spending all day on screens then.

Festivalpartygirl · 12/04/2022 08:01

Feeling your pain, and glad for the thread! I’m worried about DD13, except I’m glad to hear from others it’s normal behaviour, I’m also WFH and because of this at the moment being the age she is, I take about 10 days leave as afternoons (20 afternoons) spread over the years holidays, basically to get her out the house, makes my holiday allowance go a lot further, finished by 11.30, my work is quite flexible. She won’t have been up long, I don’t make her get up early in the holidays, she makes her own breakfast and by the time she’s ready I’ve finished work. I’m just enjoying the time that she still wants to spend with me(youngest), DS 17 however his social life has exploded, he still games but it’s getting less.

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