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Original poster

what to do about exp bringing baby to see new gf?

78 replies

pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 20:08

Hi girls- I started a thread yesterday about my exp leaving when our baby was 7wks old. (see thread about 'wanting to feel indifferent) if you can be bothered to read it- I got carried away in explaining I'm afraid!

Anyway, I've started a new one because when he brought the baby back an hour ago- he freely admitted that she had been there. He saw no problem with it, and rubbished how I felt about it. It ended with a row, with him shouting about how I'd just 'ruined, what had been a nice day'

In brief- this woman knew me, and although nothing physical happened between them when were together, they were inappropiate in loads of other ways- so I still constitute this as cheating.
The baby is now 5 months old, and he finally admitted 2 weeks ago that they are seeing each other. I'm obviously still struggling to come to terms with it, and just can't help feeling it is so wrong to be taking the baby round there. I am her mother, and how I feel- at least in terms of an adjustment period, should be taken into account. I've been very accomodating with him regarding access- and I'm always considering his feelings, in spite of what he's done. It's just so painful to think that how I might feel about this is far form his mind.

Do any of you think I'm right in how I feel? or should I just let it go?

OP posts:
Tommy · 25/11/2007 20:13

I have no idea what to advise but I would suggest that he probably doesn't have much clue what to do with a baby so having his new GF there is just as much for his benefit as anything to do with your DD IYSWIM

Your DD won't take any notice of her anyway but if GF is going to stick around then your DD will have to get to know her sometime.

Probbaly not what you wanted to hear but I can't imagine my DH looking after our baby on his own for a whole day and he lives with us!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 20:20

He's actually pretty good with her Tommy- so I don't believe thats the reason really. It will be because he wants to show himself in the best possible light to her- you know, father of the farking year, and also , because he quite plainly wants to have the gf in his company.

It just feesl so awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 20:22

The thing is- I cant just see this woman as the new gf- she is someone who played a part in our breakup, and who has recently had a bit of a showdown with me. I'm not in the business of using my child as a pawn, or creating a situation in order to vent my own anger- but the insensitivity of it all is too much- I've had a wet week to get my head arounf all this.

OP posts:
NineUnlikelyTales · 25/11/2007 20:24

I can see why you feel so bad but you do have to accept that your DD is going to meet this woman. And really your exp is not doing anything wrong. It is completely normal for him to want to have the gf in his company and unless she is unfit in other ways there is nothing you can reasonably do.

I feel for you though It will get better.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 20:34

Do you reall think he isn't doing anything wrong? It isnt as if this woman was a complete stranger to me- fresh on the scene. I think her character is bloody questionable to tell you the truth, but that isnt the reason why I would not want him to take her there- and I do realise it is an inevitablilty. What I am asking for is a simple case of sensitivity- I've only just found out. Surely thats not alot to ask for is it?

starting to think maybe I have been unreasonable in bringing it up with him now....

OP posts:
Tommy · 25/11/2007 20:35

oh - well, guess it's just crap for you then but, I have to agree with nineunlikelytales, it is crap but probably one of those things that living apart parents have to deal with

Tommy · 25/11/2007 20:37

you want sensitivity from a man who left his partner with a 7 week old baby...?

sorry

stripeymama · 25/11/2007 20:40

YANBU to feel like this about it - I felt the same way about ex's current gf, who he started seeing before we split up.

But there is little (if any) point in trying to say so to him. It will just create bad feeling, and he has the right to spend time with whoever he likes, and to decide who your baby sees - as do you. Sensitivity is by the sound of it far too much to expect from him (or her).

I know how grim it is, and do feel for you! But I have realised that its important to pick your battles - save your energy for your baby and do your venting on MN!

olsmum · 25/11/2007 20:54

i totally understand where you are coming from. i dont think he should be spending time with gf and baby, why cant he use the time to bond with his child on his own or if he needs support he could take baby to his parents (if they around) why let this other woman into your childs life when they could break up in a few weeks/months, others may disagree with me but surely any man would want to spend the time with his child (presumably he can see gf whenever), especially as he will prob have limited access, if they were married or in a long term relationship then it would be different but they are not. obviously you want to stay as friendly as you can for sake of the baby but i would be tempted to just say no.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 21:41

I'm taking on board what everyone is saying- it ^is absurd that I should expect sensitivity form this man- but I just feel, that even from the point of view that I am the childs mother- how i feel should e taken into account.

Olsmum- I also feel like he should be conserving his time with her for bonding, not prancing around with her.

I feel like texting the ow- to let her know that i know they are now together, and that they have spent the day with my child

OP posts:
NineUnlikelyTales · 25/11/2007 22:12

I think this is one of those situations that understandably hurts like hell now, but later on it will bother you less. I wouldn't give the gf the satisfaction of knowing that you are upset or angry. Take the high moral tone and you will always be the winner.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 22:16

Ok, what do you think of this.

I want to let the woman know I know she is now in a relationship with my ex. (She lied straight to my face about it 2 weeks ago.)
Theres somthing so infuriating abiut someone treating you like an idiot, and I just want to let her know that I'm aware now. I also what to tell her that this is an issue about acceptable boundaries (something she had a problem with when we were together) and so spending the day with my child and her child, is too much at theis early point.
I wouldn't be abusive or anything, dignified as I could, ifyswim?

OP posts:
worleybear · 25/11/2007 22:21

no dont text her pingu, it will lower you down to her level, it may make you feel good in the few minutes but you could regret it and then make you feel worse. bide you time and wait, do you think she is likely to stick around? how long were you and your ex together? if you dont mind me asking?

i understand how you feel about another woman being there with your dd, she had no need to be there just yet i dont think..

NineUnlikelyTales · 25/11/2007 22:25

Well it sounds okay the way you write it but I wouldn't have thought you could convey that by text. Email maybe? You should definitely get someone else to look it over first.

You know your anger should be 100% directed at your exp though (unless you were friends with the woman) because he is the bastard who betrayed you and left you with a tiny baby. In a way you should feel sorry for the new gf because she is now with the kind of man that could do that, whereas you aren't any more. He will almost certainly betray her too.

macdoodle · 25/11/2007 22:37

I am with you 100% on this pingu..if he did this to you then why on earth would this relationship last...so why let his baby bond with her when it may not last...lay down the law he CANNOT see the baby with GF ..surely he has plenty of time to spend with GF he should be using this time to bond with his DD !!
Don't make this about you - it is about the baby!!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 22:40

i di know her personally, she babysat my kid once

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 22:46

i agree macdoodle.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 25/11/2007 22:49

Hi Pingu

I read your thread yesterday with condsiderable sympathy and understanding because I have recently been in a fairly similar position - I split up with DP in July, I found that in August he had started to see someone. One Friday I mentioned to him that I knew he had a girlfriend which he denied and the very next day the dcs come back from seeing him telling me that he and she were hugging and kissing.

I was so bloody furious and sick at being made a fool of that I spent the night sending him vitriolic texts and phoned her number - she was not in and so I asked the person who answered it to pass on to X the message that if she was going to spend the day with my children a little honesty would be appreciated.

I felt better for seconds and then worse.

She will know you know becasue he told you . If you contact her (as you did before)you will have the pain then of knowing that she will contact him to discuss it and you will be painted as a bunny boiler .

My ex too appears to have airbrushed me out and talks to me (which he does seldom) in a businesslike manner which is very hurthful. That said, as the weeks pass it becomes less so and so it will with you.

I can almost feel your pain and anger and confusion and frustration. It will pass. I would suggest that you start to distance yourself from them both until you feel less angry and hurt and duped. Channel your energies into creating a life for you and your baby. I would try Relate - I have been for a couple of sessions and it's very helpful to just to rant and release some of your anger.

Don't forget that you have every right to be angry - but try to channel that anger into creating something positive for you.

Effect an air of total disdain and disinterest when the new woman is mentioned - that will infuriate her more as if you text her now she will only go to him .

Hmm all this advice from a woman who sent her young dd with a tshirt saying "I look just lke my mummy" to ex dp this w/e.

Oh and take comfort from the liklihood that they will not work out - I don't think that people change either

zookeeper · 25/11/2007 22:52

oh and let her see the baby - it will be difficult but I think that that is one of the things you will have to bear. If the baby was older then I agree the realtionship should be more established before intorductions are made but your baby won't know or care who she is.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 23:06

thankyou so much for your replies.

I'm afraid to say- i've just cracked and sent her a message. I kept it as dignifie as I could. I made it clear that I now knew theywere seeing each other. I told her that I thought she was a person who had trouble with acceptable boundaries when a man is attached to someone else, but that now I new the truth, it was irrelevant. The issue now, is about the child, and hearing that she had spent the day with the baby and her child was too much to bear at this point in the breakup. I said that time to adjust to the news of their relationship and a little sensitivity was not alot to ask for.

My aim was not to scream and roar at her- but to hit a raw nerve, to appeal to her sense of decency ( haha! I hear most of you say....). I don't really expect a respose, and I'm sure I'll feel worse in the morning.

I feel better now though... sad isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 25/11/2007 23:13

zookeeper

you speak sense, and i lack it.

OP posts:
zookeeper · 26/11/2007 08:23

not at all; you're only human after all.

Hope you are feeling better today

pyjamagirl · 26/11/2007 08:41

YANBU if you met a new man ,you would not introduce him to your DD straight away and your exp should respect your DD enough not to introduce her to this woman immediatley.
If they split up then he meets yet another woman is he expecting to drag your DD round to every new woman he meets.
I hope your ok and sorry if I'm overstepping the mark but you sound as though you are doing a brilliant job raising your daughter and he is just proving what an insensitive arse he is .

ScottishMummy · 26/11/2007 08:44

pinguthepenguin - first things first, congratulations on your beautiful baby and i am sorry you have had a terrible time being let down when you most needed support. but fact is you are a star for getting by day by day - pat on the back

i have not read the other thread, but of course your feelings deserve to be more than accomodated , in fact you and baby deserve to be made pivotal and whatever suits you goes.

you have every right to feel a full gamut of emotions, and i hope you can get supporrt. remember to treat yourself to a good dvd, some beauty treats, long soak in bath, fave CD

do not be drawn into petty stereotypical politics and arguing with your snake of an ex or his new twinky - Rise above it all.reason being he has probably flatterd his planet sized ego that u are the woman scorned who will fight/cry/plot to get him back...ignore him. as for her , whilst she thinks she got what she wanted in the short term it is her who will have to potentially try make this relationship work. my god it is built on pretty ropy and dubious circumstances. and what goes around comes around, how will she in truth ever feel secure with a man who left his partner and child, he could do it to her too.

it may not seem it at the moment but you really are a remarkable woman

remain the calm, beautiful, funny, smart, intelligent woman you are. polite, pleasant aloof totally disintrested in him or her

Dropdeadfred · 26/11/2007 08:47

How old is your baby now?

I'm not sure I would like ANYONE to have visitation aoutside the home when my baby was very young.