what to do about exp bringing baby to see new gf?

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi girls- I started a thread yesterday about my exp leaving when our baby was 7wks old. (see thread about 'wanting to feel indifferent) if you can be bothered to read it- I got carried away in explaining I'm afraid!

Anyway, I've started a new one because when he brought the baby back an hour ago- he freely admitted that she had been there. He saw no problem with it, and rubbished how I felt about it. It ended with a row, with him shouting about how I'd just 'ruined, what had been a nice day'

In brief- this woman knew me, and although nothing physical happened between them when were together, they were inappropiate in loads of other ways- so I still constitute this as cheating.
The baby is now 5 months old, and he finally admitted 2 weeks ago that they are seeing each other. I'm obviously still struggling to come to terms with it, and just can't help feeling it is so wrong to be taking the baby round there. I am her mother, and how I feel- at least in terms of an adjustment period, should be taken into account. I've been very accomodating with him regarding access- and I'm always considering his feelings, in spite of what he's done. It's just so painful to think that how I might feel about this is far form his mind.

Do any of you think I'm right in how I feel? or should I just let it go?

[pinguthepenguin]

Surfer

Thankyou for your perspective, it helps alot. I realise that you weren't the 'ow' - although in my case, my ex's new 'gf' was very much a contributory factor in our breakup.

I take on board what you say about maybe thats why the ow has blanked my recent text- it would be nice to think that she is being sensitive, but to be honest, I can't see it. He called yesterday to ask about seeing our dd. I asked if both he and the ow had recieved my texts. His response? 'I never got any texts from you' (what a farking lie) and I dont know if she did, but I'll ask her the next time I see her'.

Talk about treating me like an absolute idiot. These are people who are in contact with each other umpteenh times a day (and were when were together as well), and he really expects to believe that he doesn't know if she got my message?.......I feel like they are playing games with me. I really do.

I realise of course, that all of this sounds dreadfully petty....I just want it all to go away now.

[Surfermum]

It's cool Pingu . I can empathaise as I know how devastated dh was when he lost his family and had to put up with someone else playing Daddy to his dd. And to rub salt in the wound she refused to let him see his dd (a court order sorted that out).

It's taken time, but we have moved on from there. Although I wasn't part of the break up, when I came along dh's x, for whatever reason, had a huge problem with another woman being around her dd.

She used to send me letters or texts but I used to ignore her every time. I just didn't see the point in antagonising her or getting into arguments with her, it wasn't good from dsd's point of view and the one time I did try to say "hey, can we just talk about this" she stopped dh from seeing dsd. So I just took a back seat and did everything in my power not to annoy her, and if that meant being invisible then so be it. The way I looked at it was that I might be OK with the situation, but that didn't mean she had to be and if she wasn't I would just have to take things at her pace.

So the fact that she hasn't responded might be a good thing, and maybe she is just staying well clear and is being sensitive to the fact that you are finding this all difficult. Let's hope so. But I'm not sure there is much you can do if he chooses to go ahead with having his gf around. If you stop contact he could go to Court - and you really want to avoid that if you can.

Good luck.

[agnesnitt]

I'll reiterate. If you are, at this point in time, unhappy about he situation as it stands then you can change it to suit your needs. Your ex-partner left, he should face the consequences for that. He can see his child as and when you wish him to, and if that involves not having his slut involved then so be it. You can do this, and if you think it will make things easier for you you should do it. You can always change your mind later if you feel 'better' about it.

For what it's worth, my ex-partner can see our children whenever he wants on the understanding that he does not allow them to come into contact with his slut. He knows there will never be a sleepover, that there will never be any pally step-parenting and that if they choose to spawn that their children will not know mine. It's all good, just be strong

Agnes

[pinguthepenguin]

Surfer,

Please don't think I was labelling step-parents as homewreckers. I realise I probably came across that way- but honestly, what I meant was tbat lots of men (and indeed women) who break up families do still go on to make other families, to be happy again- and in effect, never really truly realise the extent of what they've done to the ones they left behind.

I think the reason this bothers me, is because I feel that exp will actually go onto have a successful with the one he left me for, and to say its painful is an understatement. I'm ashamed to say that the only thing that gives me any peace at the minute is the idea that it'll come crashing down around his ears.

Boohoo- thanks for the post. It is difficult when you're excluded. Its only been 3 weeks since he's been taking the baby, yet my exp already rolls his eyes when I ask him what they were doing.
I also know what you mean about moving on without the distraction of a little romance. It does help, just because its fun.
I sent both of them a message the other day stating that I wasn't happy at the speed in which they've done the whole thing, and that it was insensitive of them to say the least. I wasn't abusive or nasty- but both of them ignored it. Its like nothing I say has any effect whatsoever- its like it was me who had perpetrated this whole mess- and so deserve to be treated as such.

As it stands- I just don't know what to do about it really- to let it go and accept it as a fact. (I know the child wont come to any harm with the ow) or to put my foot down and insist that proper time is taken and to let me come to terms with it. I don't like the idea of her 'parenting' my child- I'm not even sure thats her intention. That said though- my ex is the type of person to fully immerse himself in your life when you first get together and so I kind of feel that he will expect her to do the same- by way of helping out with the baby etc.

He isn't by the way, a serial womaniser/ladies man- far from from it. Thats why what he did is so awful- because I actaully know she means something.

[zookeeper]

great post missboohoo and lol at "dodgy old boilers"

[missboohoo]

It is very hard to rise above vitriol when you know that your recent ex is, for example, having much more fun than you - carousing without a care in the world, having lots of sex (especially if you're not!)and enjoying the early 'bloom' of a fling or relationship - while you do the lion's share of responsible and appropriate childcare.

I emphasise with the scenario described above, as I would not be comfortable with my recent ex introducing our son to a new GF who may or may not behave in a suitable way around him.

The other night, when I dropped off the little chap, he insinuated that he had "visitors" who weren't my "business". I pointed out that whom our son hangs round with is my business and I don't give permission for him to spend time with dodgy old boilers or silly tarts (sic). I don't think this is unreasonable - although a child spending time with an ex's more stable partner is a trickier matter.

I think, on some level, these men actively enjoy being hurtful and insensitive. They don't give a hoot about our feelings and, when they run off shirking their responsibilities where newborn babies / pregnant women / etc. are concerned, they don't really deserve their beautiful children. I'm sorry if I sound like a ranting man-hater (I probably am one) but their attitude is inexcusable.

In my case, I find it very hard to move on without a distraction of a romantic nature. Everyone deserves a little romance, a bit of fun... and a cuddle. Otherwise, the resentment just boils...

I've sent emails and texts that are probably unacceptable to other women involved with my father of child in the not so distant past. I don't feel bad about this as I think they have a right to know what they are getting into. They should be playing with full information, not a pack of half-truths and lies.

It is probably true, however, that our ex's subsequent attachments will fail because leopards really don't change their spots. Also, the ex will undoubtedly drag the baggage from his recent failed relationship with you into the new one, which can hardly bode well!

[Surfermum]

This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you, Pingu.

Could I just take up your comment "ok then- I only have to look over in the 'step-parenting' section to realise that people who do break up families go onto to have successful and fulfilling relationships. Damn".

I think the vast majority of us who post in the step-mums section are not home-wreckers and met our partners long after they split up with their xp's. Certainly in my case dh was the injured party - dsd's mum ended their relationship to be with someone else, who moved in the same weekend dh moved out, and we met some 8 months later. Please don't tar us all with the same brush.

[pinguthepenguin]

Whats it like then, honestly, for a single mum to meet new men? I assume we get excluded from a particular portion of the male population because we have children and they dont want the baggage?

(seeing as my ex saw us a farking baggage, why shouldnt I think they're all the same?!)

[ScottishMummy]

harhar - like a subliminal torture to make u go back to work to avoid it. righty im deffo goin 2 bed

[random]

In two years time you will wonder what you ever saw in the tosser.You will be with gorgeous new man and he will be all alone because ow will have moved on to someone elses man.

[pinguthepenguin]

thanks scot- I'll be sure to send you an invite to the wedding then eh?

[pinguthepenguin]

Isn't daytime tv just hideous/

it's entirely aimed at the massess who they've sterotyped as being sat on their arses:

Jermemy Kyle
Compensation adverts
Extortionately high-rate loans
Debt consolodation companies
'buy your own council house' adverts
sun-awnings adverts
stairlifts

They have the population put into boxes, and even time the friggin' telly around it. Talk about big brother phenomenon.

[ScottishMummy]

nighty night

[ScottishMummy]

this time 2 years i will be reminiscing "aye i remember pingu when she was singleton before hooking up wi fabby/faithful/adores her NEW man

[ScottishMummy]

saddo competitive twinky probably thinks like that because gimp boy fed her his best "you are the only one who knows me/understands/appreciates me" patter.

no moral/decent/nice girl would.sisterhood and all that

[pinguthepenguin]

So, someone tell then please, that this time , say 2 years, that I will meet a scrumptious man.

I fishing now!

[ScottishMummy]

im an eejit my spelling is shockin when i type at speed

[pinguthepenguin]

not all women, obviously

[pinguthepenguin]

Do women really think like that? honestly?
'like, 'I got your man'

???
am I just naive or somthing?

[ScottishMummy]

yes you babe not twinky and gimp boy -hehehe

some time when it feels right of course yoyu will et out here and sashay like the goddess u are. butt for now enjoy day tme tv, being a mummy, rainy days in Madchester

[pinguthepenguin]

Why thankyou scot- most kind of you.

[ScottishMummy]

yes you babe not twiny and gimp boy -hehehe

[pinguthepenguin]

ok then- I only have to look over in the 'step-parenting' section to realise that people who do break up families go onto to have successful and fulfilling relationships. Damn

[ScottishMummy]

long term how will she find peace, look at the ropey and dubious circumstances they got together under. she may have short term competitiveness "got your man" - well so what

pingu darling you are
smart
funny
clever
coping
professionally qualified too

rise above this, distance and protect yourself and baby

[pinguthepenguin]

love it!! Should put a copy of that in dd's changing bag next time sperm donor comes to collect her. haha!!