what to do about exp bringing baby to see new gf?

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi girls- I started a thread yesterday about my exp leaving when our baby was 7wks old. (see thread about 'wanting to feel indifferent) if you can be bothered to read it- I got carried away in explaining I'm afraid!

Anyway, I've started a new one because when he brought the baby back an hour ago- he freely admitted that she had been there. He saw no problem with it, and rubbished how I felt about it. It ended with a row, with him shouting about how I'd just 'ruined, what had been a nice day'

In brief- this woman knew me, and although nothing physical happened between them when were together, they were inappropiate in loads of other ways- so I still constitute this as cheating.
The baby is now 5 months old, and he finally admitted 2 weeks ago that they are seeing each other. I'm obviously still struggling to come to terms with it, and just can't help feeling it is so wrong to be taking the baby round there. I am her mother, and how I feel- at least in terms of an adjustment period, should be taken into account. I've been very accomodating with him regarding access- and I'm always considering his feelings, in spite of what he's done. It's just so painful to think that how I might feel about this is far form his mind.

Do any of you think I'm right in how I feel? or should I just let it go?

[Buda]

God pingu he really is a total tosspot isn't he?

YANBU in feeling shitty about all of this. And HIBU to think you would be ok with him taking your DD to see the GF. But then again HIB DAMNED U for leaving you in the first place.

What a pillock he is.

Poss not a good idea to have contacted her but hell you are only human and have had the rug pulled out from under you in more ways than one.

Be interesting to see what, if any, her response is.

But I would hold off contacting her any more. Keep your contact to him.

[pinguthepenguin]

Thankyou all so much for your posts, they help alot. Scottish, yours especially was really lovely, although I'm afraid to say that I did get drawn into petty politics yesterday, because I text both of them- and they point blank ignored it.

I don't feel particuarly bad about texting her- in fact I'm glad that I got my point across to her- because up unitl now, she's been happy to pretend I don't exist.
I asked him yesterday if she felt guilty- given the fact that she knew me, and is now in my poistion, as it were. 'No', came his reply- why should she be? She isn't the one that broke us up.
It positively infuriates me thathe still maintains that stance- whats the farking point? He actually wants me to believe its a pure coincidence that he now with her, of all people.
Anyway, I'm ranting. My child 5 months old- and she has been staying overnight with him once a week for the last 3 weeks. I dont really like it, but I kind of feel like I need to get used it.

Do you know what- and this drives my friends nuts. I am so keen not to be labelled as a pyscho ex (too late now I know) or in any way obstructive regarding father/child- that I have been sickeningly amicable. In fact- I have been far more concillatory that he has- even though he did the walking. I'm talking amicable to the point of letting him decide which days he would like to see her, letting him tell give me whatever notice he wants, letting him visit the baby at home, while I stay out of the way, and even considering spending christmas away from my family so that he doesn't get to miss out.

Whats wrong with me? And how do I snap out of this stupid paranoia? Why do I give a shit if he 'labels' me or not? Why do i care what she thinks about me? ( because I do- sad or what?)

It's only made him worse.
How do I snap out of it?

Also- can someone tell what they think I should do now regarding the texts I sent her and him? If they have both ignored them, do I now just wait til he comes for her as usual, be my usual amicable self- therefore minimising the point I was trying to make, and letting them both think I'm a total loony?

My friend thinks I should completely ignore him for a week or so-(i.e, not answering phone/door)- not my usual style at all, but to send out a clear message to him.

[pinguthepenguin]

ps girls

I'm going away for a few days to visit a friend- so might not be able to check mn, but please do give your opinions,- they're all appreciated right now.

pingu x

[ScottishMummy]

have a smashing time, drink too much, let your hair down, ask your mates what they really thought of exp

[pinguthepenguin]

actually

I've now put off my trip til tomorrow, cos I've looked out the window, and its dark and grey. I can't face the 4 hr drive right now!

[jetson]

You do not need to be accomodating to him in the slightest. Why should you be accomodating to him when he has treated you with cruelty and disrepect? Make your own plans for Xmas and for ever day and do not consider his feelings unless he shows that he can consider yours. He should be apologising to you for what he's done and should be treating you with respect as you are looking after his child. Just ignore him and make your own plans and let him come to you. I hope you have support of family and friends.

[Buda]

I think you should let him do the running. As your friend says - ignore him.

Make whatever arrangements you want to for Xmas. Let him fit around you.

If the texts are mentioned just say "I had a point to make and I wanted it communicated to both you - that point is now made".

[pinguthepenguin]

He has never once apologised for any of this- apologising is somthing he has always had a major problem with even for small stupid things.

He does come to me regarding contact for the child- he's keen to see her. But when I say that I'm ultra-amicable, I mean that I haven't ever turned him doen, even if he's rung up on a whim, theres an open door here at my house, and he more or less decides which day he'd like to see her.
This will all change soon though, as I'm going back to work in a month.

If the texts aren't mentioned, what do I do? just leave it? I'd kind of feel silly, as if my word meant nothing- and they will continue with their arrangements, taking the baby out together etc. Could just see them saying ' don't reply, she's nuts, lets just carry on as we are'.

Drives me nuts. I am her mother

[Columbia]

I think it's horrid, Pingu...having just read the first few posts...

I know it's your baby's right to see her dad but it must be shockingly painful for you to have to 'share' her with this other woman.

When we have children we do so knowing we will share them with their father - someone we know and trust.
If the partner then lets us down, leaves, lies to us etc. it feels like sharing your child with a stranger, because it isn't the person you thought you knew - and who in their right mind hands their baby over to a stranger? I think this should be a huge factor in the way these things are managed - the mothers feelings are seldom taken into account, which means the person with most care is often stressed, unhappy and angry - hardly a good thing for her children.

I am struggling with the same issues to a degree, but have been extremely lucky in that my child's dad has left us alone for a few years. I imagine that if your ex is using his contact to make himself look good, it will be shortlived. If he really cares about your daughter, he will be consistent and a good person for her to know.

Some blokes don't care enough to be consistent, but still try to save their reputation by getting access and misusing it, being unreliable and hurting their kids' feelings. I think this is very wrong.

I hope your daughter's dad is one of the decent ones, in which case you will learn to relax and be pleased that he is in touch with her.

Another huge issue is the fact that these are OUR children - we wipe their bottoms every day, we know them inside out - we are there for them Someone (father or not) swanning in once a week and acting like they have some kind of right, some ownership of a child they see for 10 percent of its life - is infuriating, and I can't stand it personally.

When ds1's dad used to visit, I was always angry about the fact he barely knew my child - ds1 was about a year old then. I insisted on coming with him and his older kids when they took ds into town. He hated me being there despite the fact he'd never lived with us, didn't understand ds's needs or words...and had lied to me about a lot of things. He wouldn't even let me know his address or number. He said whee they were going once, I followed 10 mins later to give him ds's hat, and he wasn't there

The next week his ex wife rang and told me he was living with someone else. For all I knew he was taking ds there. I flipped, lost it with him, asked for a few weeks break to calm down. He never rang again.

He couldn't understand my protectiveness toward my baby, inasmuch as I wanted to know where he was taking him...
I later heard that the new woman was horrid to his other children, so was glad I didn't let ds go and see her.

Sorry not much help, just sharing.

[Columbia]

Oh and the day I went with them and Ds cried and wouldn't let any of them hold him - he said he was only crying because I was there!!! I think he was bloody terrified because the week before I had let them take him further and gone home, I was too angry. I will never forgive myself for leaving a little baby with people he didn't even know. He must have been really scared I'd do it again.
That's assuming they didn't actually hurt him while I wasn't there, or something. Unlikely but I would not have known as Ds couldn't talk.

[pinguthepenguin]

How awful for you columbia- thankyou so much for taking the time to share that with me.

Totally empathise with you regarding wondering where the child is and how they are handling the situaiton.
My baby is only 5 months old and isn't relaly at the stage where she recognises peole, so I kind of figure I should encourage a good relationship between them now. Also- I don't think he is going to mess her about in terms of consistency- he's ok in that sense I think, although it has been very early days, so time will tell.
The issue with me and the other woman is the speed at which this whole thing has been executed, with no regard for and no time to let me adjust. I knew her personally, she came to our house, had lunch with and babysay my child- and Ive been told 2 weeks ago that they are now together. I just think some time for my feet to touch the ground is the decent thing to do.
I know that ultimately my child will be in her company, and it may upset me, but thats life, just not right now, so soon.

[Columbia]

Pingu, sorry I went on so much! I had Ds2 on my lap, so it was mainly typing with one finger and I just rambled
I can see what you mean, about them having the decency to give you a bit of time to get your head around it.
Sadly I think often this isn't even considered by men who leave.
Ds2 is 5 months like yours, his father was a whole nother story as they say (not seen him yet...not sure if he is planning to or not!)
but Ds2 is starting to notice who is a stranger and who is Mummy...he is fine if I am around, but last week I went for an hour's appt at the dentist, Mum came too and held him in the waiting room when he woke up.
He was fine till some woman tried to take him for a cuddle (thanks mum!) and he started to cry and would not be consoled. I guess he's never been away from me before for that long, so maybe your DD will manage better once she hits the classic 6 months attachment phase ! Because she already knows him. I imagine this will make it much easier for her.
I know exactly what you mean re feeling disenfranchised/disregarded, when you texted and they didn't bother to reply...I felt the same with Ds1's father, as though everyone was being involved except me. He discussed it and was respectful towards his own ex, his new girlfriend no doubt, his children...but I never got to know what was happening with my own child, and that was something so wrong Imo tha I wouldn't stand for it. So I think my being angry caused him to withdraw contact, which has turned out to be much easier for me and the child concerned, in most ways. I haven't had the awful fortnightly stomach upset before visits, not to mention the constant stress between those visits, and Ds1 therefore has had a happier and less nervous mother. Kids know when you don't trust the person you're sending them off with, I am very glad you are pretty Ok with your DD seeing her dad, as I am sure she knows how you feel toward him, to a degree...and if you trust him that is massive.
I hope you find a way through your situation and that they start to take your feelings into account a little.

[agnesnitt]

A lot of people will tell me I'm wrong, but if you don't want your child being in contact with that woman stick up for yourself and make sure you get your own way. I am, and I will never back down.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

Agnes

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks columbia, your posts are helpful. I suppose you're right that I shouldbe glad that he is at least trustworthy- its awful that you had to go through the worry of handing your child over to man you didn't trust. I know that, essentially she wont come to any harm under his care- he is keen to play a role in her life. If anything, he comes bak full of advice that he's willing to impart with me after his weekly visit.
That really gets to me, but I try so hard to bite my tongue and console myself with the thoought that 'advising' me on things I already knew, says more about him, than it does about me.

Agnes, I would like to keep this woman away from her, but if i'm truly honest, for no other reason than what she did to my relationship. She is a mother herseslf and I dont feel that my child would be in any danger around her.
I feel like I would be fighting a losing battle if I tried to stop him, and I always come out the worst of our arguments. He is extremely masterful in the skills of manipulation, and no matter how articulate you may consider yourself- no one can tie you up in knots like he can. I aslways end up very upset after a confrontation with him- and I'm no wallflower- but he simply always comes out on top, and I feel like shit for days, because yet again, he has walked away with the last word, or whatever. (never once in the entire split did he ever see a conversation through to the end- he flounced out/put the phone down on every single ocassion- even when he was saying it was over between us) I've never met anyone like him.
To think that I could be fighting a situaiton like that every week fills me with dread and, I quite frankly couldnt face it. I've no family over here, and was hoping that if things were amicable, I could call upon him for help via a flexible contct arrangment. (we have no set contact, but its regular)

The problem I have at the minute, is not that he is taking the child to be with her (although that hurts like hell- my side of the bed isnt even fucking cold). Its how soon he's done it. I just find it appalling tbh. His argument is that the baby knows no different- but I do. This is about me I'm afraid (but not ashamed)to say.
I know people say I need to put the baby first- but how I feel has to come into it. somewhere- it simply has to.

[ScottishMummy]

of course how you feel has to be prioritised. he is the eejit who fecked off with the twinky

[ScottishMummy]

where are you from pinguthepenguin?where are u now?im in london

[pinguthepenguin]

manchester, but from ireland

[ScottishMummy]

hokey cokey!know m'chester kind of well, S M'chester studenty bits not been up in a wee while tho - remember the rain

[pinguthepenguin]

Ah yes Scot, the rain....it never farking stops up here!

[ScottishMummy]

hehe being irish and scottish we should be used to it tho my boyfriend travels up 2 M'chester for meetings, barm cakes'n all

[pinguthepenguin]

barms and eccles, and muffins and hotpot and 'tato pie and black peas.

Harhar!!

[random]

Yes how you feel does matter..he left, his problem if you don't want his gf to spend time with your baby...sorry I know loads of people on here won't agree but I would insist he sees her alone .Why make life easy for him..I really don't get men like him its never their fault is it? always the mad ex the bunny boiler blah blah blah..sorry it just pisses me off that you are supposed to be so reasonable all the time.. I know all about the its all about the children but do they think about the children when they decide to fuck off on a whim!!

That was a bit ranty sorry ..subject bit close to my heart at the minute.. My dds partner left her with 2 ds's did exactly the same as yours blamed her said he never loved her etc treats her like shit now but she has stuck to her guns and her boys are not allowed to meet his gf she just can't handle that at the minute

[ScottishMummy]

very salacious and nasty of me but what the hell, have a laugh

twinky i mean a vaccous airhead tart.brassy

from internet.twinky

A stuck up, snobby, prep-like bitch.
Usually a cheerleader etc..
Like to make fun of goths, punks or anyone else that isnt 'like them'.
Also: Twinkie
Twinkie girl 1: omg..look at HER
points to goth,punk,skater etc...
Twinkie friends: omg! they are sooo uncool

a party slut who just can't keep her mouth shut and freaks out because she can't hold her alcohol

"that twinky bitch bit my knob"

a foul smelling female.
Damn, that bitch is twinky.

[pinguthepenguin]

oh my god, my sides are farrrrrking splitting!

haha! foul smelling female???!!! ahaha!!!!

[ScottishMummy]

thought you'd like it - i howled for ages had to share. just think she got fishy flaps she's a twinky