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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Other parent’s attitude towards single mother at a private school

106 replies

hotsunnyweathered · 03/07/2021 15:24

Hi everyone. I’ve been a happy single mother since my verbally and physically abusive husband left me when I was 4 months pregnant. My only child goes to a private school and we have always been snubbed and judged by almost all parents and at times treated unfairly and judged by some teachers. If I speak up I and my son receive hostility from parents. My son has no friends who want to play with him outside of school and this was happening well before covid.
I am a successful stylist and some mothers talk to me as I am stupid because they are more academic. I say nothing but it saddens me. I don’t want to date as I am happy focusing on myself, my son and work.
I would like more than anything for a few mums to be friendly but no one/parent ever asked me and my son if he would like to play and if I ask I get silence. I do ask but no response but the usual that everyone is busy.
A friend said he thinks it’s because you look attractive and you are single. I just want to put it out there that I have zero interest in anyone’s partner / husband and would just love to have one or two mums I could meet for a walk or a tea with. A single mother teacher at the school is leaving as she like me agree that there is no sense of camaraderie or community in the school.
Some mums I did like have left over a year ago.
I was also told a few years ago when starting the school by another mum that a group of mothers were gossiping negatively about me and my son and it was around me being single.
Currently I’m very happy not having an abusive husband or boyfriend in my life and me and my son are happy. My son gets terribly lonely sometimes and that’s what hurts me. I have a few years left but it feels like a lonely death sentance and I can’t afford to move or cause disruption to my son who is currently working hard and doing well in subjects at school.
Sometimes there is an attitude of “what are you doing here” yet no one has ever said “how are you doing and would you like to join me on a walk or for a tea?”.

OP posts:
Challengerice · 08/07/2021 12:43

You’re not the only single parent in the school. Fact.

There’s been barely any interacting at schools whatsoever. None of the class drinks etc. Realistically very little interaction has gone on.

I see you mention past problem with married women.

stealthninjamum · 08/07/2021 14:01

Why are people denying that op is the only single parent in the school? It really isn’t so hard to believe. My dc’s school is over £20k fees and so it will always be easier for two parents to pay school fees with just one mortgage / house to rent than one - or there are sahms who support husbands who work long hours in city jobs. In my school there was a single parent who was a teacher, so had a large discount but she left, and another single parent who moved her child to a state school, another separated from her husband and he stopped paying school fees so she left the next term. At my school we have a well organised PTA with contact lists which include names and addresses of parents. In theory it’s a lovely school with lots of events for parents but I know I’m the only single mum and find it funny that other posters are convinced that op is lying or mistaken.

Maggiesfarm · 08/07/2021 14:06

I certainly wouldn't think the op is lying, I know she feels conspicuous being a single parent; it is just very unusual to be the 'only single parent' in the school. There may be more but they say nothing so nobody knows.

Hoppinggreen · 08/07/2021 17:39

moofolk pop a chip on your other shoulder, might balance you out a bit.
My DC are at A private school that is better than A State school.
Not all Private schools are better than all State schools. I would love not to pay school fees but if it’s that or a school in special measures then that’s what I will do when we are lucky enough to have that option
The people i know who send their DC Private do so for a variety of reasons and range from very wealthy to scraping by with help from family - we are of a variety of ethnicities with a range of family set ups, from the typical family to 2 single sex parents to single parents of either sex. We are not one homogeneous “type” and more than people who’s children go to State schools are.
It’s awful OP is being made to feel like she does, especially if it’s her son that suffers. Maybe some parents at some schools don’t like single parents but a very close friend who I met through my DCs school is one and she has no issues at all so as I said earlier it may be a problem with THIS specific school - because guess what? Private schools are all different too.

hotsunnyweathered · 09/07/2021 06:55

Challengerice, I don’t have a problem with married mothers just would be nice if they reached out as I did to them. I don’t judge someone married, single or dating. I think you know that but I guess you too need to vent something out of your system. I can imagine you are a bit of a gossip and probably like picking on which ever mothers you feel like and polluting other mothers around you. I do hope I am wrong.

I’m happy doing the small talk at school and don’t divulge too much about a long ago divorce and understand to keep conversations about school.

Hopping green, I think best you keep both your chips on your shoulder and a few on your head by the sounds of your message. You a single mother you know and because she has no issues she is ok. I see you don’t want to hear anything but nice things so if anyone does voice an upset it means one thing that he/she has a chip on their shoulder. You are a wise woman of the world indeed! Thanks for showing yourself and thanks to demonstrate your perspective as it helped me see the mindset of women that are blunt and cold to other women they can’t be bothered to understand. What a lovely essence you have and I’m really pleased you openly show your lack of understanding clearly on this thread. Super, well done you. It not an issue with this school. I put the thread out there because after a few years the situation is the same and I know it happens in all schools and it’s been nice to connect with other who understand.

Of course I am not the only the single mother but I take it you understand people have different experiences in life as general?

Recently a mother who left the school a year ago said that the majority of mothers in my year are clinging on in unhappy marriages and see you as a threat. I felt really sad hearing this. It made me feel being in the crossfire for other people’s situations that have zero to do with me. The more this thread grows the more I realise that there are never going to be any decent mums in my school so for now best to focus on my child, business growth and enjoy holidays and experiences that have nothing to do with these people and why would I want these judgmental freaks in my life or my son’s and I certainly don’t want their sloppy seconds/husbands. Yuk! Sorry that I can’t change my face, body or clothes and suddenly grab any guy because it will make look I fit in. Sorry too to those people of me and my son offend you just for being us. Sorry that right now I don’t want to date or have a partner because I want to put my son first. If you are holding on tight to your husbands then they probably have already done something and that’s what making you insecure. More power to you.

I sent my son to a private school because the classroom sizes are smaller a children get a bit more support in the classroom. I used to teach many years ago. It was not for social status. There are many people born with the silver spoon in their mouths and they behave like criminals. Look at some of today’s politicians.

Thanks to all the positive constructive feedback and if anyone mean mums from my school recognise yourselves I’ve already been told by past mothers in your class year that most of you talk about each other and hated me from the start because I did not fit into your idea of a washed out single mother on benefits and I 100% respect those mothers too. Yes, that is what I was told by mothers who know my year group very well and even then I was happy to put that to one side and move forward.

I also understand fully that some parents can have learning difficulties which can also come through into social skills but do the whole year group parents have learning difficulties? I’ve always been better one to one but I do make the effort when I have too. Just odd after three years having nothing back after reaching out. I understand one of those years has been the Covid outbreak setback.

OP posts:
FAQs · 09/07/2021 16:44

I was also the only single parent in the school! They teacher and receptionist told me I was paving the way for them to learn how to adapt to become more inclusive.

Challengerice · 09/07/2021 17:25

@hotsunnyweathered

* I understand from experience that married mums in the past that they just do not want to spend time with me and my son and that's ok**

You’re exact words.

I am a single mother. Professionally successful with children at a private school.

I have not experienced what you’re currently experiencing but that’s not to say I think it’s in your imagination (or at least some of it)

But the quote above speaks volumes to me as to how you may come across. And anyone with the view you be articulated here ie sweeping generalisations based on “past experience” (how many?!!) then…. We’ll, it’s not very positive tbh

hotsunnyweathered · 09/07/2021 17:45

Yes this has happened before. I’ve been divorced for some time and yes I have resigned to the fact that thus is how it may always be. I voiced it here to read other points of view.
I can only speak from my experiences and you from yours.
It has been very helpful to write this thread and read others.
It’s very painful to write this and that some mirrors past behaviours. I’m sorry that you don’t understand and think that I should have your experiences and sorry to you that I don’t. Thanks for your perspective though.

OP posts:
hotsunnyweathered · 09/07/2021 17:53

I think you have to also take into account what events and things that have happened to someone for them to make certain choices, what exactly happened in a marriage, then divorce and then a single mother.
Everyone’s story/time life of events is different. Just saying “I am single mother. Professionally successful with children at a private school” and then you go on to add that you haven’t come across the same thing I have and that’s it’s in my imagination speaks volumes about you. It is sad that you are narrow minded.
I’m so glad I had a safe space in Mumsnet to write my feelings out here. I did it not for sympathy but to see what are the experiences of others. I’m glad that you felt you could voice your truth here but it’s a pity you are trying to wipe out my feelings. It’s ok because I know you are in the group that just don’t get it or actually do but just want to deny it.
Thanks

OP posts:
hotsunnyweathered · 09/07/2021 17:56

You sound like an angry person and that you need to vent and thrash at someone. If it makes you feel better to do this on this thread and towards me, it’s ok.

OP posts:
Challengerice · 09/07/2021 18:05

@hotsunnyweathered

You sound like an angry person and that you need to vent and thrash at someone. If it makes you feel better to do this on this thread and towards me, it’s ok.
Goodness. I’m sitting in the garden with a glass of pimms waiting for a friend (married!!) to join me. Wondering what the heck “past experiences” with married women who have had!

Anyway I’ll leave you to it. Presumably you’re son has broken up if in private school so you have two months respite.

Enjoy the beautiful evening!

hotsunnyweathered · 09/07/2021 18:12

Enjoy your evening. Hope you have a lovely time. I do have married mothers as friends. Their children are a lot older.
I do hope things get better and I think the best way is carry on as I am. Keep smiling even when I don’t want to.
Certainly don’t want to be offensive to anyone.
I am very pleased that school is ending for the year.

OP posts:
muffindays · 09/07/2021 18:45

OP, ignore the haters. some people are being particularly and unnecessarily harsh on here.

Hoppinggreen · 09/07/2021 19:54

Fucks sake OP
Read my posts properly before you take the time to insult me.
Several times I have said that what you have experienced is awful
I never said YOU had a chip on your shoulder I said the person who referred to “Private school types” (which includes you by the way) had.
I said I hadn’t seen similar at my DCs school but in no way did I dismiss your experience at all.
My “essence” is fine thanks and far from being cold to other women I have been supportive to you (or tried to be)
Given all that and how rude you have been in return I am starting to think your marital status may not be the issue here.

hotsunnyweathered · 10/07/2021 10:23

It’s just getting a bit silly here.

I am not the only single parent in this current school but am in the class. I am sorry if there was a mistype from me there.

Hopping green you have been harsh. As for the chip on shoulder comment, if you read everyone’s thread I was including a reply to someone else. You are angry and wish all the best.

Thanks for trying to insult me re events around my divorce and the verbal and physical abuse that I had from my ex husband.

OP posts:
hotsunnyweathered · 10/07/2021 10:24

Hopping green, correction here … you are angry and I wish you all the best.

OP posts:
hotsunnyweathered · 10/07/2021 10:27

Maybe it Mumsnet isn’t a safe place because it looks like from a few people posing replies here that they are looking to fight and break someone down when all I did was put a reasonable message on. It saddens me deeply.

OP posts:
EvilPea · 10/07/2021 10:27

It’s the school not you or your situation.

Infants was like this, I suffered terrible anxiety with school runs and would time it so I was on the late side of pickup and early to drop off to avoid it, it was so sad for my children.
Juniors, different story. Found “my people” and the kids found theirs.

Look hard at how happy your children are there, children learn where they are happy. If they aren’t happy most of the time, move them.

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2021 10:42

@hotsunnyweathered

Hopping green, correction here … you are angry and I wish you all the best.
I’m not, but thank you anyway
Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2021 10:44

@hotsunnyweathered

It’s just getting a bit silly here.

I am not the only single parent in this current school but am in the class. I am sorry if there was a mistype from me there.

Hopping green you have been harsh. As for the chip on shoulder comment, if you read everyone’s thread I was including a reply to someone else. You are angry and wish all the best.

Thanks for trying to insult me re events around my divorce and the verbal and physical abuse that I had from my ex husband.

Please could you tell me exactly where I have insulted you around your divorce or the abuse from your husband? I haven’t mentioned it at all. Could you also tell me where I have been harsh? None of those things happened What else have you imagined?
Cowbells · 10/07/2021 10:47

So sorry. It is definitely an issue with the school or the social mix in your area. DC go to private school and one of their closest friends has a single mum. I just can't imagine it ever being an issue with any of the children or parents. It never has been. But their school is especially unsnobby which is why we chose it. Maybe some schools attract the kind of parents who are desperate to prove their (imagined) superiority over others.

Maybe look at moving schools. Your child deserves to be happy and interact socially. Do they have plenty of outside clubs too, to help them socialise generally - cubs/sports/drama etc?

PearlFriday · 10/07/2021 11:26

I went to a private school myself and at one point at my DC's name down for private schools but then I got real and realised, no my children's path is not going to be the same as my own and what was so great about my 'path' anyway, lot of pressure to be conform to ideals that were out of my reach. No encouragement to just relax in to your life and see where you flourish. So I decided to accept a less conventional path, I had to. But to say ''what is a private school type?'' Grin come on! All my school friends went to a private school, they all assumed that that was the right thing for their own DC. At times I envied them. At times I felt proud that my DC were getting the same thing for ''free'' (well, that'd be a stretch to say free, but ykwim).

Who cannot imagine what a private school type is! ?

My son is at a school where they are so focused on LGBTQ +/- right now, he asked if there was a chess club. He was told no. He and his friends were told off for jokingly responding ''ok is there a trans chess club?''

Sometimes having to fit in to an ethos that doesn't suit you 100% is good practice. My DC! went to a catholic school and she flourished there but both my DC will emerge from their secondary schools having had to 'live' alongside an ethos that is not their own, that's life, that's real. Never again in their futures will you be able to engineer it so that everybody around them is suitable, approved, similar, privileged!

I was schooled in such a bubble of fellow little lord Faunteleroys and their parents were all just like my own parents, with all of the same values no doubt. My parents remortgaged their house to send us to private school crazy crazy crazy and yet where did it get me! I was still pushed to the periphery of anything i tried to join in at their primary school 20 years later!

It's all such nonsense. I wish I could do it all again but like Liz from Motherland, She was smart, she didn't care!

I'm getting old, I just regret the fucks I gave now.

Hoppinggreen · 10/07/2021 11:43

Ok Pearl so what is a Private school type?
And then please tell us what a State school type is as well

See how many lazy stereotypes you can get in there - you have started well with your *little Lord Fauntleroys”

Challengerice · 10/07/2021 12:34

@Hoppinggreen

Just ignore the OP. I suspect this scenario in reality is very very different to that which the OP conveys and a rather significant back story re her “past experiences with married women”, so just not worth it!

Challengerice · 10/07/2021 12:35

* It saddens me deeply.*

Confused
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