Other parent’s attitude towards single mother at a private school

[hotsunnyweathered]

Hi everyone. I’ve been a happy single mother since my verbally and physically abusive husband left me when I was 4 months pregnant. My only child goes to a private school and we have always been snubbed and judged by almost all parents and at times treated unfairly and judged by some teachers. If I speak up I and my son receive hostility from parents. My son has no friends who want to play with him outside of school and this was happening well before covid.
I am a successful stylist and some mothers talk to me as I am stupid because they are more academic. I say nothing but it saddens me. I don’t want to date as I am happy focusing on myself, my son and work.
I would like more than anything for a few mums to be friendly but no one/parent ever asked me and my son if he would like to play and if I ask I get silence. I do ask but no response but the usual that everyone is busy.
A friend said he thinks it’s because you look attractive and you are single. I just want to put it out there that I have zero interest in anyone’s partner / husband and would just love to have one or two mums I could meet for a walk or a tea with. A single mother teacher at the school is leaving as she like me agree that there is no sense of camaraderie or community in the school.
Some mums I did like have left over a year ago.
I was also told a few years ago when starting the school by another mum that a group of mothers were gossiping negatively about me and my son and it was around me being single.
Currently I’m very happy not having an abusive husband or boyfriend in my life and me and my son are happy. My son gets terribly lonely sometimes and that’s what hurts me. I have a few years left but it feels like a lonely death sentance and I can’t afford to move or cause disruption to my son who is currently working hard and doing well in subjects at school.
Sometimes there is an attitude of “what are you doing here” yet no one has ever said “how are you doing and would you like to join me on a walk or for a tea?”.

I wonder if one factor is the amount of SAHMs?
At my DCs school I only know 1 and her circumstances are pretty unique. We are in Yorkshire so it’s not Bankers with trophy wives here, tends to be 2 professionals as parents

Yes it was two years ago this was going on. I did not feel good to have to repeat it. I wanted to post a year and a half ago but just felt to low to even do that.
I get worried if I type something here it will be looked at as me being negative but I am a genuinely positive person who likes being around other women. I am a real supporter of women and mothers.
I think I am the problem but I am only me. I have now closed in on myself to accept that I am not accepted by the other mothers or ever will be. I have no gripe with that except it affects my son.
I can’t dress or become something different.
My friends say it’s simple jealousy because I’ve worked hard to keep my home and rebuild a good life for me and my son and I’ve done it all alone.

I’m always slightly skeptical when someone claims people don’t like them due to jealousy
I know it happens but I dislike plenty of people I’m not jealous of.
Whatever the reason these people don’t seem to like you (I say “seem” because it could just be your perception) you appear to be happy with your life so just try not to care so much

* My friends say it’s simple jealousy because I’ve worked hard to keep my home and rebuild a good life for me and my son and I’ve done it all alone.*

I doubt it. And how would they know all this anyway? I did the same. With multiple children and no family support network whatsoever. No big deal. Loads do it

I find this weird. Half of children are born outside of marriage, half don't live with both parents by the time they are 11....what century is this school in?
It's obviously still very very wrong, but are you sure it's not because you don't have a nice middle class job rather than being single? It just makes no sense to me at all.
Seriously, I'd move your child to another school though. The social and emotional side is so important and if it's full of kids/parents like that, it's not in his long term interests whatever the academic position is.

My school is like this too (non-private!). Still like it some years later, in the end I gave up! I do notice occasionally a little judgement around being a single parent and think some mums are wary that you might try to steal their husbands etc. But in general I think it's more to do with the fact that some schools / mums are just not friendly.

Refocus on your friends outside of school, at school try to be breezy and polite but don't try for friends unless they seem up for a conversation, head down just do it and get on with it.

It's hard because I honestly thought I would make some school mum friends but four years of nothing has made me realise it's not going to happen, I have dealt with it.

I also think it's a UK thing. Depends what area of the country you are of course, but many Brits are just stand offish.

The best way to get to know other mums, I have found, is chatting at after school clubs. Trying not to make too much pressure of it (e.g. not suggesting playdates or coffee!) until you know them really well and it feels natural.

But also bear in mind they are probably busy with their own families and friends. I think as a single parent you are more desperate for other people to hang out with and it's more present in our minds that we need to make friends. People in couples often have their own friends and many commitments already and just don't have the time or the inclination so much.

All the best, focus on you and your social life (outside of school) and take the pressure off yourself to find friends, it's common to feel this way.

I know what you're going through. A couple of covert scapegoating narcissists did succeed in marginalising me but the core problem was that I was perceived to be very low status. Not only was I a single parent but one of my DC had an SN and I had no swish job, no car, lived with family for a while.

The real people were nice to me but there were definitely people who looked at me and did not see a person whose friendship would reflect well on them, so I was a ghost to them.

I would take your child out of the private school and get a job. YOu will stop caring so much what a bunch of snooty shallow mothers think.

My ''status'' has changed a bit since I first showed up at the school gates. Have a job, a house, happy and confident. And I feel a bit sorry for some of those sahms now, just hoping their mediocre husbands don't cheat on them. But although I know I" not the broke homeless single parent I once was, there are a couple of characters who will ALWAYS see me as a rung beneath them.

This is not the norm, I know that. Most people are OK. But these insecure people who use you to feel better about themselves do exist.

Ps, I cannot believe how many replies you've had to say ''well I"m single and this doesn't happen to me''. That's so invalidating.

I have talked to other single parents and we are perceived to be lower status. There can be other factors that mitigate that, if you're really confident and outgoing, or really wealthy, or really really attractive, or have a really impressive job. But on the whole, by and large, in the very conservative context of a private school then you are lower status if you're a single parent. This is also the case in a hard to get in to primary school.

Somebody once asked what my x did for a living, where he lived, what car he drove. So not only were they already looking down on me for being a single parent, they needed to know if they were looking down on me enough I think. Perhaps they needed to crank it up a notch.

@Scaredycat87 that chip on your shoulder feeling heavy yet?

I’m surprised people don’t think judgement of single mothers still happens these days. It does. Particularly when the father is uninvolved. It’s the snide comments, eyerolls (teachers included), the looking down the noses, subtle exclusions, the look of shock when they discover you have a career and don’t live on benefits, ALL the cliche school group being married mothers and ALL the outsiders single parents- I don’t think this is coincidental.

I’m a lone parent and have experienced this in a particularly snobby state school. DS has now moved school and it’s a totally different atmosphere and fortunately we’ve not experienced anything like it again.

I would seriously consider moving schools.

That sound awful.

I know many people here will disagree as they are private school types but I find private school / middle class people very difficult to get on with and very judgemental.

I lived in a (very lovely and friendly but) economically deprived inner city area with my kids for years.

We had a really great array of kids activities on and a local arts centre with free or very cheap drama, dance etc.

My son made friends with a kid whose parents drove him from a much more affluent area but they would not let him come round for tea or play outside of the sessions.

They were basically huge snobs, happy to take advantage of our funded activities but too good to make friends.

You could see it in the mum's face she really looked down on my family.

PearlFriday:

Somebody once asked what my x did for a living, where he lived, what car he drove. confused So not only were they already looking down on me for being a single parent, they needed to know if they were looking down on me enough I think.
.........
My goodness, that is appalling bad manners! It shows a total lack of breeding, not to say extreme nosiness. I hope you laughed it off and walked away smiling.

@moofolk

That sound awful.

I know many people here will disagree as they are private school types but I find private school / middle class people very difficult to get on with and very judgemental.

I lived in a (very lovely and friendly but) economically deprived inner city area with my kids for years.

We had a really great array of kids activities on and a local arts centre with free or very cheap drama, dance etc.

My son made friends with a kid whose parents drove him from a much more affluent area but they would not let him come round for tea or play outside of the sessions.

They were basically huge snobs, happy to take advantage of our funded activities but too good to make friends.

You could see it in the mum's face she really looked down on my family.

What’s a “Private school type”?

@Maggiesfarm

PearlFriday: Somebody once asked what my x did for a living, where he lived, what car he drove. confused So not only were they already looking down on me for being a single parent, they needed to know if they were looking down on me enough I think. ......... My goodness, that is appalling bad manners! It shows a total lack of breeding, not to say extreme nosiness. I hope you laughed it off and walked away smiling.

She was the alpha Queen Bee. Luckily she moved away, but i can't say that i was laughing, no.

I just think you have to focus on dc and don’t subscribe to the cliques. Unfortunately people tend to stick with their own and if you don’t fit, they don’t really know how/where to place you. It’s unfortunate when this affects dc but that’s the reality. I’ve found usually it’s lead by one particular parent and the rest follow.

Preps schools are very funny environments as not only do you have all the normal school issues but class and status is hugely magnified. And some parents do take it very seriously if a recent coffee morning was anything to go by. We were all pretty much interviewed by a new parent about “what we did” “where specifically we lived” “what sector our husbands worked in” etc. It was all very uncomfortable to sit through.

@Hoppinggreen

Private school types are the types who go to or send their kids to private school.

Complicated that.

well If that’s all it meant then I agree it’s not complicated but imagine I had written how difficult to get on with and common State School types are?
Snobbery and inverted Snobbery are equally as nasty

I'm single and the prejudice absolutely does still exist. Some people's attitudes towards me really changed after my divorce. I either got sort of faux sympathy or snubbed. I found it hard at first. Then I decided not to give a monkeys about it. Those people weren't my friends and never will be because why would I want them to be.
The only one that hurt was an older friend who suddenly decided I was after her husband. I really really wasn't. To this day I've no idea where that came from. More about her insecurities than me I think but a real shame.

I think in the middle class circles described above, it's not just the simple fear ''she might steal my husband''. I think the fear is much more complex and unconscious.

The Will She Steal My Husband is a peg to hang all of the unconscious troubling thoughts on.

When insecure unfulfilled married women see a woman who left a toxic relationship, they are confronted with a woman who is brave, braver than they are? a woman who is not afraid to be judged, their worst fear a woman who is independent, they have to run everything past DH but he does what he likes, a woman who is working towards financial independence, would DH screw me in a divorce? a woman who is not so bound by the social convention to be married that she will stay even if it's not right, a woman who often goes down an income strata (or two or three or four) and so shows that materialism is not her God.............

I had some women tell me they admired me and that they wished their sister/aunt/friend would do what I'd just done. And I simultaneously had a wannabee invite the friend standing next to me a coffee morning in a pub (not in a house) and ignore me though i was standing right there.

It definitely provokes a reaction in the hive and some people who aren't in touch with their emotions just feel uncomfortable around single women I think. They don't know that there's a shadow part asking them if they'd survive being left? Survive being on the outskirts of the group. Nope. Easier to reinforce their place in the group (tribe) by excluding somebody else.

People with no identity derive their identity from what the group is not. So nobody in the group can have experienced misfortune.

Great summary @PearlFriday! I find it absolutely fascinating breaking down group dynamics. I guess that’s one of the many benefits of being on the periphery.

YY this even more pronounced being a minority, a single mother, financially comfortable, business owner, the typical single mother stereotypes just don’t fit. I had one mum ask me if I was a lesbian and if I had dc via a donor. Perhaps I give off masculine vibes with my hyper independence!

I usually get the same faux sympathy or admiration “you mean you parent all by yourself, whilst he lives in XXX?!” Umm well they did come out of my vagina, who else is going to parent them?

Dear Pearl/Friday

Thank you for this amazing spot on post. This exactly how I feel.

I would not want any woman in this world to go through what I did and what I have to live through because I am a single woman.

My greatest challenge I keep reminding myself is to raise a remarkable boy who is an asset to this world, his community and to whoever he chooses in his life and his own future family/ lineage.

Thank you again for your post. I hope a lot of mothers/parents get to read it.

Sorry wanted to add that yes life is hard at times when you have to be two parents all the time. I would not change my life. I have made sure my son and I have everything and more. The painful part comes from other mothers.

I really want to thank everyone again for your posts. They have helped me in the last week when I really was feeling worn down by behaviour at my son’s school. I’m so glad the holidays are starting.

Dear Muffindays

Thanks so much for your message. I can’t tell you how helpful and encouraging these messages are. Good to know some mothers get me and it’s sadly happening to others.
Yes, I’m going to focus on my child and keep it very light with the mothers. I really would not want them in my house or life either if this is what they are showing me.
My son is a smart child and he’s learning how to navigate through this. I am so glad I’m not desperate to cling onto a man/husband to keep my life intact. Some of these “mothers” have to live with this feeling every day. More power to them. I’m free!

@Hoppinggreen

well If that’s all it meant then I agree it’s not complicated but imagine I had written how difficult to get on with and common State School types are? Snobbery and inverted Snobbery are equally as nasty

Not really wanting to get into this, I was showing empathy and solidarity with the OP.

Snobbery and what you call inverted snobbery are not the same thing, just as racism and a dissatisfaction with racism are not the same thing. Just as calling out sexism doesn't make you sexist, or hate all men.

People who send their kids to private school think that this is better than state school. This often leads them to think that they are better, and OP seems to feel that this is what the other mums think about her; a good and successful stylist who is also a single mother.

And please don't try the line that they don't think it's better. If they didn't, why spend the money on it?!

You have totally dismissed this, which I find disrespectful to OP and to me. And have also inadvertently demonstrated my point, so thanks.

I have, in my own experience, found that many parents who send their kids to private schools look down on working class people, and this is often a reason that they choose private school in the first place.

I have also found the same cohort defensive about this and deny it.

For the sake of the sensitive of course, if it makes it better, I will state that #NotAllMiddleClassPeopleAreLikeThat

Funny how this superior education comes with a lack of critical thought sometimes, as well as empathy.

I find it difficult to believe that you are the only single parent with a child at his school, op. I'm not saying you are not telling the truth, of course you are, but it is so unusual in this day and age. Even in my children's days there were single parents.

Also how do people know your circumstances? I was not a single parent but nobody knew much about me/us, apart from two with whom I became friends after a while. Obviously later on everyone got to know each other a bit better because of our children's social lives but I honestly cannot remember anybody singling out a single parent for anything.

Just be breezy at pick up time and don't arrive too early. I hated the pavement pow wows and made sure I was not hanging around outside school longer than necessary, however I did not pick up every day because I worked part time.