Other parent’s attitude towards single mother at a private school

[hotsunnyweathered]

Hi everyone. I’ve been a happy single mother since my verbally and physically abusive husband left me when I was 4 months pregnant. My only child goes to a private school and we have always been snubbed and judged by almost all parents and at times treated unfairly and judged by some teachers. If I speak up I and my son receive hostility from parents. My son has no friends who want to play with him outside of school and this was happening well before covid.
I am a successful stylist and some mothers talk to me as I am stupid because they are more academic. I say nothing but it saddens me. I don’t want to date as I am happy focusing on myself, my son and work.
I would like more than anything for a few mums to be friendly but no one/parent ever asked me and my son if he would like to play and if I ask I get silence. I do ask but no response but the usual that everyone is busy.
A friend said he thinks it’s because you look attractive and you are single. I just want to put it out there that I have zero interest in anyone’s partner / husband and would just love to have one or two mums I could meet for a walk or a tea with. A single mother teacher at the school is leaving as she like me agree that there is no sense of camaraderie or community in the school.
Some mums I did like have left over a year ago.
I was also told a few years ago when starting the school by another mum that a group of mothers were gossiping negatively about me and my son and it was around me being single.
Currently I’m very happy not having an abusive husband or boyfriend in my life and me and my son are happy. My son gets terribly lonely sometimes and that’s what hurts me. I have a few years left but it feels like a lonely death sentance and I can’t afford to move or cause disruption to my son who is currently working hard and doing well in subjects at school.
Sometimes there is an attitude of “what are you doing here” yet no one has ever said “how are you doing and would you like to join me on a walk or for a tea?”.

I can't believe that you are actually paying for your son to be treated like this. Never mind you, but him? These things have lasting effects on self-esteem etc - he might get great grades but if he comes out of school with no friends and no self-esteem that is not going to lead him anywhere good.

Find him a more inclusive school. The more expensive is not more the better.

“Get over yourself” and “you seem to think you are a rarity” Wow you sound really useful. You must be a wonderful school mum and an amazing friend to have.

Thanks for other messages. Yes I agree it’s not the school but a few “arseholes” that can spoil an atmosphere. It’s comforting to hear that this happens and be able to voice it safely here as I would not want to express this at school. I also understand you don’t know what is happening in someone else’s relationship or marriage.
Having a few good parents at a school can make all the difference.

Great to hear that some single mums do get included…. there’s hope yet.

He’s happy with the teachers and does play with children at school. It’s out of school time and some parents and as someone pointed out it’s these incidents that make it sad for him and me.

Sadly it’s parents and children do pick up on parent’s attitudes and comments about people.
I do make sure he has other friends out of school and that he mixes with children similar to his age in holidays and weekends. Just be nice if he was included by classmates.
It’s always good to hear different perspectives on this.

Sometimes moving schools is not an option.

At a state school it has happened to me. I am unmarried with 2 children, same father. I think it’s the fact I’ve not been married and made a choice of sorts to have children rather than divorced. It’s very strange

How do they even know you are a ‘single’ mother?

I went to open day for an independent school without my husband - he was working - and I was treated as though I was invisible, and it was all turned shoulders. It was a real eye opener.

Needless to say we did not apply.

It’s the school. Mine was at private I did find everyone assumed I was married as I was Dr and I discovered 3 others mums also single there. Move schools

No not that person.

I don’t understand when someone says this is odd but I guess that this has not happened to you. It’s so lonely that I want to cry sometimes. I can’t move because of costs and my ex. Things are complicated so we have to stick it out here.
I think it will get better but only because me and my son will have to get a harder skin on this.
Why would I imagine this for three years now. I absolutely do not like that people are just not friendly at school. I understand people work, I do, manage a few children, home life but in three years of nothing it’s something I have to live with at school.
Whenever I take my son out to a playground he plays well with children and they play with him and the parents are so friendly and sweet. It’s the total opposite of parents at this school who we’ve known three years now.
As I said before a single mother who was a teacher at this school left this term because there was no sense of community with the mums. These were her own words. I agree with her.
I have told my experience to the school and they say they can do nothing about it.
A friend said just switch off from the mums and focus on your son. Smile but don’t get involved with mums if they are judgemental. I can do this but it’s a bit like severing who I am as I like genuinely like to smile and chat nicely with people around me.

When my child went to private school I was married.We divorced round about Y8 and it was hilarious to see how the married mums changed. Especially at school social events when they would grip their husbands while I was in the vicinity. I think being single and around ten years younger than most of them marked my cards. It was also a school full of 'old money' types where as I am from a working class background and just happened to have a well paid professional job. My child was also on a part scholarship so the school was affordable but it was still tight. Luckily it all didn't impact on my child as they had already established friends and they met up outside of school too.

Schools are all different, OP. It's nothing to do with private/state (I'm a single mother, btw). My DC have all been through the independent system, at different schools; my experiences of the playground have been different at all of them. I can 100% say, though, that it's all to do with the particular mix of personalities, and nothing to do with single parenting per se. You're over-thinking it. I agree with the advice to smile, chat about banal stuff if the opportunity arises, and concentrate on friendships that matter.

Sorry about what you’re having to deal with as a single mother.

I am really happily divorced and happily single.

I’m glad this thread is being read because if anyone is treating a single mother differently/ unfairly and just being cold towards them please think twice on how you could be making that woman feel. For all mothers married or not motherhood at times can be an isolating experience. When someone reaches out even with a kind hello that can really make a diff eve to someone. To all the married mothers out there and I am sure most of you are decent people do reach out to single mothers. Life can change in a second and unwanted divorces can come to anyone.

My self esteem is fine. I dress women to make them feel better about themselves who ever they are and I’m always building my son up in positive ways.

I agree with you. Thanks

It is this particular situation and I do need to not worry so much. I’ve really enjoyed reaching out and reading all your posts. They gave me some clarity and support.

I do tend to soldier on but sometimes I sit back and say Why is this still going on?

You’re right that I should focus on the positive relationships.

I’m sorry to hear that. You sound like a decent sound person.

I’m glad that your child had established friends.

Me and my son together have flourished without the ex around. Strangely I think this seems odd to some parents. Maybe I should take a step back and think “do I really need to be around people like this, ie have them in my house?”

Hi there.

What does Only Fans mean?

Move your child away from this toxic environment, and send him to the local state school if there is no other private option.

Your ds is being shunned and it will continue for as long as he stays there. Can you imagine what that is doing to his self-esteem?

I was just going to have a browse without logging in but I had to share with you that I had a very similar experience!!

I am a single mum divorced for 3 years (from a narcissist who is very difficult) I do well for myself and I was living in an upmarket neighbourhood up until very recently where the local school had a lot of parents who own million pound plus homes etc. A lot of stay at home mums. They were very cliquey and my son was often ignored by the other children (he is 7 now) especially in the last year. I could not believe when a couple of mums blanked me completely whenever I asked for a play date or a coffee, it really really got to me. I am happy that I have friends outside who were also shocked and we had a giggle what nasty women, the arrogance!

We have moved home recently and opted not to enrol to a local private school as I didn’t want my son to feel entitled and I didn’t want to feel the similar pressure that I had from the last school so I chose the local outstanding primary which has a mix of people my son has been made feel welcome from day 1 and is very happy he is starting to do well at school we are still in early days and the mums seem friendlier and normal. I don’t feel the pressure and yes absolutely toxic moneyed schools exist. I have been there.

If you want to vent please feel free to dm me it would be my pleasure to lend an ear, I am also happily single and focusing on myself. How old is your son? Does he have other local friends? I hope he is well and I’m sorry to hear that he is having this experience xx

@hidethesquirrelsnuts that is very funny about the gripping husbands 😂 I can imagine that absolutely.

I’m married. I’ve always been an outsider at school. I’m quiet, shy but do make an effort to try and talk to people. It’s all quite superficial and none are probably friends. I’m quite well spoken and I think pre judged. I am shortly to be divorced, who knows how that will pan out. My children and I have met people in really random places who have become friends. There are lots of nice people around.

We are also on our fifth private school and coming to end end of secondary. Don’t think it’s a
Private thing.

I started to read your post as I'm considering private school for my DS. I'm a teacher so hoping to get a job in one so it is more affordable. I'm glad to hear that not all private schools have this problem as it would put me off sending DS to one. However, I wonder whether it happens in every school but with different groups being left out. My friend's daughter doesn't get invited to parties, play dates etc because my friend she works full time and her husband does drop offs/ pick ups as well as her. The other mums at the state primary school are SAHMs. She had some very nasty messages aimed at her over the class WhatsApp group so she left it. She is also an governor at the school and the class teacher has told her how out of order the other mums have been towards her and that the parents at that school are very much like that. So unfortunately it seems anyone can be left out.

[quote Light11]@hidethesquirrelsnuts that is very funny about the gripping husbands 😂 I can imagine that absolutely.[/quote]
Yes it amused me greatly! I used to think 'Barry is a nice enough bloke but seriously Janet, you've nothing to worry about. Put him down woman!' Lots of trophy wives at that school as well who didn't dare put on a single pound in case they got traded in.

I’m sorry to hear about you at the state school where your child was bullied on w app.

Yes I do think this can happen everywhere. It’s a case of humans showing their worse side.

I’ve been through a lot and the school forum is important to me and my son.

I woke up this morning and I’ve come to the conclusion that parents at the school are judging me or simply don’t want to mix or invite my son for out of school playing/ connection so in the next three years I will help him find other out of school friendships.

He’s a really good sensible child and he’s great with children when we are not at school. I do hope parents read this thread and take on board what their negative thoughts, behaviours and actions are doing.

I think someone was spot on re mums not gaining a pound in case they were swapped. My ex husband would point the front door to me if I was to gain weight. He was still having affairs and going to lap dancing clubs and addicted to porn behind my back. What I’m trying to say is that some of the unpleasant mothers are probably in horrible marriages and are stuck because of the lifestyles of private schools, fancy holidays, cars etc etc. Even when I was I did not judge or make someone else’s life difficult because mine was.

I'm a single mum with a ds at independent school and I've honestly never had the same problem.

I don't discuss my status with anyone else. It's none of their business. And very few of the fathers ever show up at the school because they are working/posted (services) etc, so the lack of a male presence at sports day isn't rare.

But then why should you care? Who wants to spend time with a cliquely bunch of spiteful gossips anyway? Just ignore them. If you don't make an issue of it, your ds will do the same.

* I understand from experience that married mums in the past that they just do not want to spend time with me and my son and that's ok.

I would be interested to know more about this op. You posted two years ago.

So you have a long running history of problems with married mums?

I understand from experience that married mums in the past that they just do not want to spend time with me and my son and that's ok.

Sorry bold fail