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Original poster

Other parent’s attitude towards single mother at a private school

106 replies

hotsunnyweathered · 03/07/2021 15:24

Hi everyone. I’ve been a happy single mother since my verbally and physically abusive husband left me when I was 4 months pregnant. My only child goes to a private school and we have always been snubbed and judged by almost all parents and at times treated unfairly and judged by some teachers. If I speak up I and my son receive hostility from parents. My son has no friends who want to play with him outside of school and this was happening well before covid.
I am a successful stylist and some mothers talk to me as I am stupid because they are more academic. I say nothing but it saddens me. I don’t want to date as I am happy focusing on myself, my son and work.
I would like more than anything for a few mums to be friendly but no one/parent ever asked me and my son if he would like to play and if I ask I get silence. I do ask but no response but the usual that everyone is busy.
A friend said he thinks it’s because you look attractive and you are single. I just want to put it out there that I have zero interest in anyone’s partner / husband and would just love to have one or two mums I could meet for a walk or a tea with. A single mother teacher at the school is leaving as she like me agree that there is no sense of camaraderie or community in the school.
Some mums I did like have left over a year ago.
I was also told a few years ago when starting the school by another mum that a group of mothers were gossiping negatively about me and my son and it was around me being single.
Currently I’m very happy not having an abusive husband or boyfriend in my life and me and my son are happy. My son gets terribly lonely sometimes and that’s what hurts me. I have a few years left but it feels like a lonely death sentance and I can’t afford to move or cause disruption to my son who is currently working hard and doing well in subjects at school.
Sometimes there is an attitude of “what are you doing here” yet no one has ever said “how are you doing and would you like to join me on a walk or for a tea?”.

OP posts:
JustKeep · 03/07/2021 15:28

Well that’s quite sad to read.

I do think the problem is with your school rather than with private schools in general though. My kids are at private school and there are at least two kids in each of their classes who have a single parent, I’m not aware that has ever been an issue. Certainly the parents and kids I’m thinking of are included in everything.

Can you really not move schools? It sounds lonely for you both. Is it a primary?

tonystarksrighthand · 03/07/2021 15:30

I'm a single parent with a child at private school. We don't have this issue.

purpleboy · 03/07/2021 16:02

I agree it sounds more like the school, we have plenty of single parents at ours and they always seem to be fully involved with other parents. Sorry your having a tough time, sounds like to can make friends in other areas of your life, so you don't really need school mums.
Also I don't think children generally give a crap if someone's parents are single so maybe that's a bit of projection on your part and there are other issues if you child doesn't seem to have friends. Have you spoken to the school about his friendships and how he gets in with his peers?

Pebbledashery · 03/07/2021 16:35

This makes me sad. I bet you're such a lovely person. Having a few letters after your name and excelling in academia doesn't make you a) better than anyone else or b) a nicer person. It's horrible to feel judged because your background is different to the stereotypical private school type parents. I feel for you and know it must feel isolating but these aren't people who you genuinely want to be friends with, you have a longing to be accepted by these people, but why? You worked hard, you left an abusive relationship, your son is safe and happy and is in a very good school presumably because of you. I hope it gets better, but it's not you that needs to be accepted by others x

TotorosCatBus · 03/07/2021 16:40

That's very sad.
I'm a single mum at state school and the mums there don't think I'm after their husbands.

TotorosCatBus · 03/07/2021 16:41

Are you in the UK? Im surprised that this happens in 2021, even if you earned your money from Only Fans.

Verbena87 · 03/07/2021 16:43

You sound great. They sound like idiots (academic acclaim is not the same as intelligence, I don’t think!).

I’m sorry you’re feeling ostracised but do you really want to build friendships with people this judgemental/insecure? Sounds like hard work for minimal gain to me.

Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 17:05

Gosh I have not come across this sort of attitude before. So many parents now are divorced, separated or not even married, plenty of whom have children at private schools. Thinks about it, the Prince of Wales and his late first wife had two children at private schools after they separated - with great publicity at the time. It makes no difference to anyone else, why should it?

I think you have just encountered a difficult group of parents. There are many threads on here in which mothers feel unwelcome at school gates, nobody talks to them, etc. Life is unfortunately like that for many people, with or without a partner.

It's hard for your boy but he will make friends as time goes on and if he has a hobby, he will make out of school friends. He really will!

If you have a job, you will make friends too that have nothing to do with the school (some of whom will almost certainly be single parents).

I hope things improve for you one way or another but - be independent of these 'school parents'. In the scheme of things they are not important.

Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 17:06

'Think' about it, not 'Thinks' about it. Typo.

FAQs · 03/07/2021 17:11

I had this, it was dreadful and the school no matter how many times I corrected them insisted on call me Mrs. I posted about it before, some of the other mums, the working ones were actually ok, it was all the ones who didn’t work, small school. The ones who’s husbands and grandparents who paid the fees whilst I worked and paid my daughters. I had one Allie who was fantastic she got me through the whole painful process.

Scaredycat87 · 03/07/2021 17:14

Are you in Kent by any chance?!

Hoppinggreen · 03/07/2021 17:14

It’s the school
Nobody would give a shit at my DCs school

Scaredycat87 · 03/07/2021 17:17

This sounds like such an odd school OP. Really.

Doesn’t ring true to my experience as a single mum at private in the slightest.

But even aside from that - it just sounds odd

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 03/07/2021 17:18

I had this a bit when my dd was very little at NCT classes, I wasn't included in anything and i felt that some of the mums were very suspicious of me.

Never been an issue since my dd started school though.

Have you thought about moving him if you're both unhappy?

MadMadMadamMim · 03/07/2021 17:18

Well I was a single mother (after divorcing a dickhead) and no one ever ostracised me. And I can't imagine why you would tolerate being treated unfairly or 'judged' by some teachers.

What are you speaking up about that means other parents treat you and your son hostilely? How are they managing this?

I imagine your son might be happier in a different school if no one wants to play with him at this one. There must be another school in the area. This sounds a horrible one. I'm buggered if I'd be paying for the privilege of sending my child to a school with no ethos or community.

Scaredycat87 · 03/07/2021 17:18

You seem to think you’re a rarity.

You’re a single parent. Not even remotely uncommon

FAQs · 03/07/2021 17:21

Mine was some years ago, and a small village type prep school where I was the first single parent in its history and infact I didn’t know any others myself including the baby group, sad to hear it’s still going on in some places @hotsunnyweathered

eurochick · 03/07/2021 17:22

My daughter is at a private school. There are single parents and zero issues. I think it is just an odd group of parents rather than anything to do with the type of school.

AtillatheHun · 03/07/2021 17:22

It’s a nasty group; it may not even be the school or the year, but a few arseholes in the same class can really change the attitudes experience of a school- having had a ver different experience with two kids in the same school, it’s remarkable how a handful of arses can change an atmosphere , and unfortunately kids absorb some of the attitudes around them

Scaredycat87 · 03/07/2021 17:23

* I understand from experience that married mums in the past that they just do not want to spend time with me and my son and that's ok. *

The op on another thread
Get over yourself

FAQs · 03/07/2021 17:24

@MadMadMadamMim

Well I was a single mother (after divorcing a dickhead) and no one ever ostracised me. And I can't imagine why you would tolerate being treated unfairly or 'judged' by some teachers.

What are you speaking up about that means other parents treat you and your son hostilely? How are they managing this?

I imagine your son might be happier in a different school if no one wants to play with him at this one. There must be another school in the area. This sounds a horrible one. I'm buggered if I'd be paying for the privilege of sending my child to a school with no ethos or community.

Divorce was seen as more acceptable than someone who’s never married, I still get asked when I divorced by some and the odd one still Pearl clutches when I say I never married. I don’t give a damn anymore, which I’d had the confidence 15 years ago.
BlueSurfer · 03/07/2021 17:25

It’s either the particular school or else there is another reason they don’t like you/your son which has nothing to do with your marital status.

Hoppinggreen · 03/07/2021 17:26

Is OP Kathryn Ryan?

kindlekeeper · 03/07/2021 17:27

It’s not being a single mother. People like this always fine something to other you for. Usually it’s one group and the nicer people keep away from this type of thing and are harder to find, but they are there! If it really is everyone it’s a dreadful school.

stealthninjamum · 03/07/2021 17:35

Op that’s largely my experience as well. Single parents in private schools are unusual. In my dc’s school I think I’m the only single mum and very few mums talk to me or invite me to their gatherings since my husband left. I have enjoyed covid as I have just stood apart from people with a mask on.

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