I am the child you all are talking about. Sorry - my post is very long.
My mum was single and had me. My dad was aware that she got pregnant. He did not want to marry my mum but he checked in, asked about my health regularly and sent some money each moths. Then his wife convinced him to know me and they started to visit. As a very young child (one or two years old) I can not remember those visits much. I know we went to their house and they have been in ours. I do remember holding onto my mum and screaming my lungs out because my mum was leaving me there with those strangers. As 2 y old I did not want to stay without my mum. I did not like playing with their children, my half siblings even I can not remember them being mean to me but I was really afraid of them without any reason. I was wondering, why my mum doesn't like me, why she wants to leave me with them and will she leave me there for good one day.
Maybe I was afraid because I overheard people saying that they are my family too. And as a young child I was very worried that my mum is planning to give me away. I couldn't understand why I was abandoned by her with those people. The concept - “my family too” was was very confusing, made me frightened because I felt that I am not wanted by my mum and she is trying to find some other family to give me away to them.
When I was bit older….maybe four; I was able to grasp the concept that= in fact I have a dad but he does not live with my mum as a “normal family” would. However, because he is my dad I have to love him. My mum really tried to support me and my dad bonding. She told me all the time that my dad loves me and he misses me and wants me to be in his house. As a child I thought that my mum must not love me then, because she doesn't want me to be with her- she wants me to be with my dad instead. So I tried my best to show her that I am happy to see my dad because I was worried that mum might force me to stay there longer. If I don't learn to love my dad with a weekend I have to stay there more days.
I believe I did love my dad. I did believe my dad loves me, because he said that many times and his wife said to me that my dad loves me. I could not understand if he loves me as much as he says, why he prefers the other family and chose to stay with them not with me and mum. I could not help that I was wondering what if my half siblings will all die one day, I could have my dad for myself and I would not me the second best anymore. I dreamed about them dying in a car crash of falling down a clif all some other accident. When I asked my mum, what if they die, will dad come and live with us, my mum got upset and said I should not think that way. Its mean because it is dads family and he loves them. I understood that I was a bad person because I wanted to someone to die. In stories only witches and really bad characters wanted someones children to die. I must be a monster too.
Then my mum got married and I hoped that finally I will have a dad on myself. A dad who I don't have to share with other children. For that time I was fully aware that some children have step dad and they have full family. I was able to understand bit more why dad lives with another family. I was excited about the idea that now I will have a full family too: mum, dad and me. But my mum said that I already have a dad and her husband isnt my dad. That my dad would be upset with her if I want to replace my real father with her husband.
After that I understood that my wish my half siblings to disappear and leave my dad for me is the sign that I am an evil person and that why my dad will never love me. That why my mum can not live with my dad, because she is a evil childs mum. I realised that I am the reason why my mum was dumped and my dad choose another lady and another family because those children are nice, does not wish me to die. This lady is nice and kind and I am a horrible creature everyone must hate. I believe that why mum is adamant that I have to spend time with dad because obviously she does not want to be with a evil child all days. And my mom's husband dont want me to be his child because I am a bad person. I was 7 years old I convinced that no one loves me, no one wants me.
I was too young to understand grown up people complicated life. As a child my understanding was black and white. When my mum and my dad tried to explain things I agreed and said I can understand but clearly I understood differently- child way. I blamed myself endlessly that I am the bad person no one wants, no one needs. I am an accident and bad news for my dad's family. As a teenage I wanted to die to not be a burden to my mum and to my dad and his family.
What I am trying to say is - yes I wanted to know my dad. I am glad he was aware that he exist. I wish that wasn't when I was so young and couldn't understand grown ups life dynamics. I wish I was older before I had to face him and his family. I feel sorry for my mum, who was convinced that forcing me to spend time with dad as a toddler is for my own good, that it helps me to get use to, that it is the “right thing to do for your child”. I head that so many times: “It for your benefit” but I say how sad was my mom when she had to face dad and his family. I saw she was upset when they had to spend time all together and I stated to avoid that. I lost school assembly notes, so they won't come and I don't have to feel akward. I was sick every time when I faced the event where they both wanted to attend. The tension between my mum and dads family was clear even they put on a very good act being friendly, amicable and “grown up about it”. We all faked endlessly for “the good cause”.
Now, as a grown up, I wish I had time to grow up with loving mum without feeling that I am forced to go away all the time. As young as I was I couldn't understand why my dad wants another woman, not my mum. Why I was less good and not the one dad choose to live with. Why my mums husband can not be my dad, why he can not love me but can love my dad.
I learned not to trust word “love” because it was always used the way “I love you but I don't want to live with you”. My dad said “ I love you” but he wanted to live with his other two children. My mum said “I love you” but she sent me to a family who did not want me, where I was inconvenience that they had to tolerate because of the social pressure (that what good people would do). My mums husband said “I love you” but he did not want to be my dad, and as a child my conclusion was - I wasn't good enough to be dad for me he chose to have another child with my mum instead and that half sibling was calling him “dad’ because that baby was better than me.
Now, as a grown up, I learned a lot why I was so worried being at dads house even they only showed kindness towards me. I realised that it was the conflict of words and reality. I was told that my dad loves me but when I was there I was able to feel that I am an outsider. I was not a family. I was a visiter. My dad had children on his own and they were there all the time. I was there only for some days. I say that they can not do something they would normally do (their clubs, hobbies) because it was my day to visit “their dad” and nor they are doing something else altogether “like a family” instead. I was able to feel that this family is disrupted by my visits. When I arrived my half sibling told me whose turn was to share room this time. Again, they hide their disappointment under friendliness. My dad wife was very friendly and always “bought the same thing to me and to her children” and my dad told me always that I should not feel less important because I do not live with him.
Today I know, it was not the case that those people did not love me. But the damage is done. A human's core beliefs are formed in age of toddler. And as a toddler I was pushed back and forward between two parents and I did not develop trusted relationship. Yes, It was done with good intentions. My mum did believe I have a right to form a relationship with my dad and his family in a very young age. I tried to please her. I tried to please my dad and step dad but I never got feeling of belonging. I did not belong to my mum - she was convinced that I have to know I am half hers half dads. I did not belong to my dad, he had a family on his own.
I can not say how it would be if I was older when it all started. What it would be if was older and able to understand from beginning that sometime grown ups does not love each other only love to have sex and that why babies happen outside of family, I probably would not feel so bad about myself. Age two I was too young to step into grown ups world. I don't know what is the suitable age. Some children can understand those dynamics quite young age. Already 4 or 5 years old preschooler can tell you about boyfriends and how babies are made. Some children can not understand and accept that their parents don't live together when they are teenagers. Each child is different. But a two years old will not be able to understand those dynamics.
Yes, you have to tell dad that he has another biological child and give him time to think how he wants to approach. Yes, knowing about your biological child is dads right and benefits him and his life. Unfortunately id is not your child's best interest when your child is so young. your DS does not feel need for a dad yet. You have to make a decision: whos needs and rights are more important? The man who has a child somewhere or the child you have now. Yes, the dad will be very angry when the news arrives and he will make you feel like a piece of shit for rest of your life. Mainly because you will always watch him having it all: family and your child. He will blame you that you are after money and you told him because you are jealous for his relationship. Telling him later years, he does not have that card any more. (because you did not tell just after he started his own family). You can not protect yourself from emotional pain after you told him. Seeing you in pain will affect your child very badly. No, you can not hide your emotional pain from your child. Children will sense it. For your child sake- can you wait a year or two before you make that move? Maybe you can save your child from lot of pain. When your child is old enough to understand how babies are made and there are different families, your child will be able to understand that it's not her(his) fault that dad does not live with mum. When your child is two or three she(he) will most probably hide all her pain and smile for your sake to make her mum happy (then she hopefully don't send me away forever) but your DC will be very confused and will experience lot of pain.