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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Telling the father about my child

115 replies

saubbs · 12/07/2020 16:26

This is really hard and personal to me I just need some advise; my daughter is 6 months old now and I have never told her father about her.

Long story short we were seeing eachother for a few weeks, I realised I wasn’t interested and wanted to be on my own so we left things there and no contact at all. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant, however in the past I have suffered 2 miscarriages within my 6 year relationship therefore when I found out I was pregnant I didn’t quite believe it.. I booked a private scan which was told the sack was empty, still no period weeks later I booked another scan and was told a baby was growing. I still was in shock so decided to keep it to myself as at that point I was only 7 weeks. As the weeks went on I started to believe it more and more, I was then 12 weeks and was told everything was okay. I searched him on social media and saw he now had a girlfriend which put me off of telling him, got to 20 weeks and knew that I really was having this baby I decided to search him again to then see his girlfriend was then pregnant! So in my head I panicked and didn’t want to ruin his relationship with his new girlfriend which then was his fiancé. Not wanting to ruin his experience/relationship I kept it to myself and continued on my own.
My daughter is almost 7 months old and he still has no clue, however to social media him his fiancé and son are happy.
I obviously feel awful on my daughter and I also feel awful on him, but what do I do?
I’m so worried of ruining their relationship and the reaction I may get from him that I hadn’t told him sooner..
What do I do? Please help

OP posts:

LaTomatina · 12/07/2020 17:07

I would probably send him a private message saying what you have said here. I would emphasize that I don't want/expect anything from him, just to be honest with him, and for the sake of your daughter, who will one day want to know who he is. What happens next will depend on his response.

LaTomatina · 12/07/2020 17:08

Oh and, congratulations! Hope you are doing otherwise doing well. Xx

LaTomatina · 12/07/2020 17:10

Or I would take the secret to my grave, if I didn't want to do the above. But I think that would be difficult, and unfair to your daughter.

Viviennemary · 12/07/2020 17:12

Unless you need his financial support then I don't think I would tell him. I can't see why he needs to know now when he didn't need to know before.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 12/07/2020 17:17

Unless you need his financial support then I don't think I would tell him. I can't see why he needs to know now when he didn't need to know before.

I find this attitude abhorrent. Evil in fact to purposely deny a child the right to know her father and the man the right to know he has another child just because it minorly inconveniences the mother.

Original poster

saubbs · 12/07/2020 17:19

Isn’t isn’t about being minorly inconvenient to me, there is a lot of relationships that can be affected here. How would you feel if someone randomly messaged you whilst you had a partner and a baby saying oh by the way you have another baby, how is your partner going to feel?

OP posts:

Original poster

saubbs · 12/07/2020 17:23

Awh thank you x x

OP posts:

AlviesMam · 12/07/2020 17:26

My personal opinion would be to message him in private and explain everything how you just have on this post. It will be a massive shock too him but it's better he knows now before your daughter starts looking for her dad when she's older.
But whatever decision you decide is yours and I hope you feel okay either way x

BingPot99 · 12/07/2020 17:30

I would let him know privately, but in a way you can print off the message(s) to show your dd you told him about her. If you don't expect anything from him in the way of money, make that clear. If he doesn't want to know her, that's up to him and not your fault.

Viviennemary · 12/07/2020 17:36

I think it a lot more cruel to ruin his new family with the news of this child. If he had known about it in the first place he may have made different choices. But he wasn't allowed to.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 12/07/2020 17:40

Think of how much worse it will be if he finds out when shes older or an adult. It would look so bad on you if she shows up on his doorstep in years to come and it turns out you didnt tell him. The news of another child wont damage his family that came after. Only he can decide if he wants to be in your childs life or not i dont think thats your right to deny a child and father the right to know each other. Plus its damaging to a child to not know where they came from.

Original poster

saubbs · 12/07/2020 17:44

Never have I felt I’ve done this in a malicious way. I suffer with anxiety and I worry about everything, the fact I had 2 miscarriages I didn’t even announce it to the world until I was 24 weeks pregnant. The way I saw him at each hurdle 1. girlfriend 2. Baby news and 3. Engagement at each thing just made me feel even worse about telling him fearing I’d ruin his relationship. I just want to make clear none of this is about me, I’m happy and content just me and baby girl but the thought of her growing up without a dad upsets me and the thought of him not knowing also upsets me as I’m not a bad person, I just don’t know what to do for the best. Thank you so much for all of your support and positive criticism I appreciate it all xx

OP posts:

RyanBergarasTeeth · 12/07/2020 17:54

Sorry op im not critisising you and how you got here. I was more critising other posters who feel a father and child doesnt need to know about each other for the sake of an easy life.

If i was you i would send him a short private message that underljnes what you said here that you thought the pregnancy wasnt going to progress and when it did you were too worried to tell him when you saw he had moved on and that you dont expect money or involvement you just felt he needed to know. Then its up to him but he wont be happy at first or at all but at least you know you did everuthing you could to make him aware. Good luck

Shayisgreat · 12/07/2020 18:02

I completely understand why you've chosen to act the way you have. I probably would have made similar choices in your circumstances.

The most important person in this situation who you are responsible for and will be answering to in the future is your dd. She has a right to know who her father is and to have the opportunity to develop a relationship with him if at all possible. I think you need to tell him, explain how it's happened that he is only finding out now and then your next actions depend on his response.

It's going to be tough and awkward for a while - but your future relationship with your dd depends on you doing things in her best interests now.

timetest · 12/07/2020 18:11

I would private message him and tell him. I would do this because I feel he has a right to know and your daughter has a right to a possible relationship with her father. I would also claim CMS even if you can manage without it, it could be put away for your child’s future use.

SunshineCake · 12/07/2020 18:59

You have to tell him. The children have a right to know they are siblings in case they ever meet and your dd has a right to know who her father is. I understand why you have hesitated but it isn't fair or right to stay silent any more.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/07/2020 19:02

The longer you leave it the harder it’ll be.

pooopypants · 12/07/2020 19:04

They both have a right to know. Tell him. PM him if you can. It will blow his world apart but he has every right to know he has another child. It would've blown his world apart had you told him over a year ago but not as much as it will if you wait any longer.

Lizadork · 12/07/2020 19:21

Your baby is so young and right now you are in full control - I would leave the situation as it is for a few years, thr last thing you want is someone coming around stirring trouble and trying to attempt a tug of war. Right now you aren't being bothered. A lot of mums here wish they never had told their ex partners of their babies, just read thread after thread after threat of all the problrmatic fathers. Please do not be in any rush. Keep digging and gathering information. I don't advise holding this back forever but whilst child so little, you keep her to yourself.

Lizadork · 12/07/2020 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

excelledyourself · 12/07/2020 19:27

OP, first of all, I'm sending you a hug. I completely get why you have done what you have. I do believe you acted with good intentions

But... the only way this is going to get easier is for you to tell the truth. He hasn't done anything wrong, and hopefully his fiancée will realise that and things work out for everyone. It might take him a while to get his head round. He might never. And you would have to explain that to DD in a way that hurts her as little as possible.

But she will start to ask questions and you'll be lying to her every time she does. Do you really think you can manage that?

For what it's worth, I don't know my bio dad. He knows about me though. Only since I got to my thirties have I given my situation some thought. It would be nice to know what went on, but it is what it is. He must have his reasons. My mum died without telling me of his existence. Don't leave your DD without the option of ever finding him

Original poster

saubbs · 12/07/2020 19:40

I am reading all of these and completely taking them all in, I’m really thankful for all of them x x

OP posts:

Lizadork · 12/07/2020 19:50

I don't know if anyone else has personally been in this situation but I have, keep it to yourself is my advise. I do not regret my decision.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 12/07/2020 20:15

The father absolutely does have the right to know he has a bloody child out there. And no its not ok for the op to deliberately keep the child a secret so she can enjoy her in peace and deny the father his right to know and form an early bond with his child if he wishes. How fucked up anyone would advise that.

FatherB · 12/07/2020 20:35

This is ridiculous advice. The father has no right to know? It takes two to make a child. This man doesn't know he has another child, every decision he is making is influenced by the lack of this knowledge. What if they decide to move away to a bigger home and he now lives 100s of miles from his child? What if your daughter wants to know her father but by that point he's deleted social media?

Every decision you made, however honestly or anxiously or well intentioned has helped remove the possibility of a father in your daughters life and if you knowingly refuse your daughter the chance to have a father then you are making a terrible decision for so many reasons. I don't mean that as a judgement, I just want you to understand how important this is.

What happens if she sees other kids with fathers and feels like she caused hers to leave, what happens when she wants to know where he is and why he isn't there and then what happens when finally you tell her the whole truth and she realises the person she could always trust has lied to her and denied her the chance to see and have a father her whole life? By then it's too late...

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