Telling the father about my child

[saubbs]

This is really hard and personal to me I just need some advise; my daughter is 6 months old now and I have never told her father about her.

Long story short we were seeing eachother for a few weeks, I realised I wasn’t interested and wanted to be on my own so we left things there and no contact at all. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant, however in the past I have suffered 2 miscarriages within my 6 year relationship therefore when I found out I was pregnant I didn’t quite believe it.. I booked a private scan which was told the sack was empty, still no period weeks later I booked another scan and was told a baby was growing. I still was in shock so decided to keep it to myself as at that point I was only 7 weeks. As the weeks went on I started to believe it more and more, I was then 12 weeks and was told everything was okay. I searched him on social media and saw he now had a girlfriend which put me off of telling him, got to 20 weeks and knew that I really was having this baby I decided to search him again to then see his girlfriend was then pregnant! So in my head I panicked and didn’t want to ruin his relationship with his new girlfriend which then was his fiancé. Not wanting to ruin his experience/relationship I kept it to myself and continued on my own.
My daughter is almost 7 months old and he still has no clue, however to social media him his fiancé and son are happy.
I obviously feel awful on my daughter and I also feel awful on him, but what do I do?
I’m so worried of ruining their relationship and the reaction I may get from him that I hadn’t told him sooner..
What do I do? Please help

@Lizadork

The father has no right to know. The child however has the right, when the time is suitable. She will not miss what she never had.

The most stupid advice ever.

Very possible she will very much miss what she is currently being denied.

Yes, you absolutely can miss what you've never had. Even more so than if you had had it, I bet. I had a step-dad and we just didn't bond. That emphasises what I could have had. This child's dad could be an amazing dad.

Everyone saying for you to tell the father, have they thought about what telling him will actually mean? You say you had a very short relationship with him, how much do you actually know about him? yes he may portray on social media he has a lovely little family but what if he is completely incapable for caring for a child and then you tell him about your daughter and he fights for 50/50 access (which he is entitled to do) personally I’d keep my mouth shut and explain to your dd when she older that truthfully you didn’t know her dad, it was a fling and you wanted to keep her safe

I wouldn't tell him, if you don't need to. X

All your advice is great. But it’s true what @Maybell345 is saying. I don’t massively know this guy and that sounds very immature the fact I’ve had a baby by him but it literally was a 3-4 week fling. I met him through work, he left around 3 weeks after the fling finished (before I knew I was pregnant) and I obviously haven’t spoken to him since. The thought that worries me is, I don’t massively know him no - imagine If I tell him and he’s angry, his fiancé is bitter, they take me to court win half custody and now my child who I suffer bad separation anxiety and anxiety full stop is now with a man/family who I don’t even know and there’s nothing I could do about it? I don’t know how this man is going to react when I tell him. Do I risk it or no? I think my daughter is too important to risk it, hence why it’s 7 months gone and I’m still stuck in this position of what to do. So many pros yet even more cons.

It is a mess and you don't seem to be thinking about the future very much.

You don't get to take him for maintenance and complain about doing it all alone if you aren't even going to give your dd the respect of the experience of a father. It is probably more likely that he is in full shock, needs time to think and then will either ask to be left out of it or be a decent bloke and be in her life.

A lesson for everyone to double up on contraception, or least use one form.

Your daughter has a right to know her father.

@SunshineCake okay, 1. No I’m not worrying about the future much I’m worrying about now. 2. Who said anything about maintenance? I’ve paid for every single thing myself and my child owns not once have I said I want anything from him. 3. I have NEVER complained about doing it alone. 4. Funnily enough contraception was used and as I said before this pregnancy was the biggest shock of my life due to having 2 miscarriages. A lesson for you to double up on is to read the thread properly, think about everyone involved not just the father. Also, reading through your message again, what do you mean lesson for everyone to double up on contraception? What are you trying to say??? I’m more than capable of doing this alone, I’m asking for advice not criticism so if you’ve got nothing nice to say I’d appreciate it if you stayed off my post.

And that goes for anyone else too.

My BIL found out he had a three year old when he received a letter from CSA. It really threw him. 10 years on... He has next to no contact. But the rest of family do. My DDs have a cousin, and PILs have a granddaughter.

He might not want to know. He might want to. His family might welcome an extra member.

(btw, I think maintenance is completely separate. I just think a CSA letter is a rubbish way to find out you have a child, not suggesting it's something you considered doing)

Complementary agree with @RyanBergarasTeeth

This child isn’t ‘your’ child as you say in the header. It’s both the fathers & yours.

My own mother didn’t know who her father was as my grandmother (her mother) was too selfish to tell the father and my mother grew up not knowing. I can’t tell you the damage this has done.

The child has a right to know who their father is.

@NorthernSpirit as it stands she is my child yes. And I haven’t done this out of selfishness, don’t you think it’s hard for me too it’s been 7 months I haven’t had a break or a penny to help me. Although that’s obviously not the reason I want him to know for money and a break but you have to realise this is hard for me too. I know exactly she has a right to know her dad that’s a given. Just how to do it and when to do it is the hard thing I need help with. I can’t just message him, hi by the way you have a daughter.

Be an adult and ring him. If you had sex with the man you can phone him and explain.

And I don’t believe the child is yours only. It takes 2 people to make a baby. The child is his as much as yours.

Every child deserves to know where they come from, not why they little of course but as they get older, when she goes to school and they are making Father's Day cards, what are you going to tell her?
I do think you need to tell him, be brave and write him a message similar to what you have put in your original post. You are only thinking of the bad things, what if after the initial shock, he is excited and wants to be part of her life, and wants to watch her grow up :) your daughter will grow up knowing she has 2 people to love her and you helped make that happen, there may be grand parents and aunties and uncles etc, just more people that love her :)
I grow up with an absent dad, I was born after a fling, and my mother was in love with the guy and used me as a bartering tool, in the end he stopped coming round. I grew up fine and as an adult, I can see it for what it is, but at least I know the truth. I was very close with my dads mum, and she gave me the best memories as a child. I have spoken to him now as an adult and he has deep regrets for everything and I know deep down he loves me and that he has made mistakes. Don't let you daughter grow up not knowing who her dad is, you are protecting her now but not in the long run, good luck OP.

Every child deserves to know both their parents, and every parent deserves to know they have a child out. (Unless there is severe abuse or safeguarding issues of course)
This would be unfair on both your child and her dad. I would reach out to him and just make him aware. If he doesn't want anything to do with her, then you know you can do it on your own. When she's grows older at least she will know who her dad is and why he isn't in her life. If you don't tell him, she'll blame you as she gets older for keeping him away from her.

There really should be nothing to think about here. Your child and the father deserves the chance to know each other regardless of the impact it may have on his relationship. If he wants nothing to do with them, more fool him, but at least you can look your child in the eye and say you tried. And you tried sooner rather than later. Put yourself in his position. How would you feel finding out this long into it. Looking back surely you must see you should have told him when you were pregnant, when the child was born and the longer you leave it, the more chance of him being resentful. I cannot believe anyone could advise you to not tell him the truth, unless there was safeguarding issues. Put bluntly, either you tell him the truth and give their relationship a chance or you fail your child. Put them first.

You do not need to rush into a decision, there is a lot of pressure on this thread to tell but really take your time and weigh up all options before doing anything. It is ok not to tell despite what other's think. You do what is best for you and your child even if that means waiting.

I think you should write/email him or phone. The longer you leave it the harder it'll be.

I can’t just message him, hi by the way you have a daughter.

No one has suggested this. Lots have said you should message writing similar to your opening post. There's no easy way to do it. But I think it should be done. She has a father and a sibling. Fact. Second guessing his reaction and suitability as a father isn't fair to him, or your daughter. I get that it suits you, but that doesn't make it right.

As for him getting 50/50... you've not gone across him in 16 months. How far away does he live? I can't see him getting 50/50 if lives any distance away.

Message him and congratulate him on his son and engagement. Say you have something very difficult to tell him and have worried constantly about it. Tell him about the baby. Stress you want no money or for him to have a relationship with her, but you thought it better for him to know as she might want to know about him when she's older. The longer you leave it, the worse the shock will be.

Thanks all x

I hope you aren't too overwhelmed by what everyone has written. It is good to talk and work through it whatever way you can. Just take some time to think.

@Lizadork it’s hard because 70% of people on this thread has made me feel like I’ve done a really bad thing which I know deep down the way I’ve handled this situation I feel I haven’t done a bad thing. I feel in this situation, I’ve been so worried about telling him and ruining what he has without thinking about myself and my daughter as much as I should have. I wanted him to experience pregnancy with his fiancé and I didn’t want to ruin that for her. Without thinking that my daughter is the one who has actually lost out as well as him. So I think this whole time I’ve been so worried about ruining what he has without putting us first. Which infact has put me in a weirder place, I still just don’t know what to do!

That doesn’t mean I haven’t taken on board what everyone has said I appreciate each one of your comments, it’s just a difficult situation for me.