Telling the father about my child

[saubbs]

This is really hard and personal to me I just need some advise; my daughter is 6 months old now and I have never told her father about her.

Long story short we were seeing eachother for a few weeks, I realised I wasn’t interested and wanted to be on my own so we left things there and no contact at all. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant, however in the past I have suffered 2 miscarriages within my 6 year relationship therefore when I found out I was pregnant I didn’t quite believe it.. I booked a private scan which was told the sack was empty, still no period weeks later I booked another scan and was told a baby was growing. I still was in shock so decided to keep it to myself as at that point I was only 7 weeks. As the weeks went on I started to believe it more and more, I was then 12 weeks and was told everything was okay. I searched him on social media and saw he now had a girlfriend which put me off of telling him, got to 20 weeks and knew that I really was having this baby I decided to search him again to then see his girlfriend was then pregnant! So in my head I panicked and didn’t want to ruin his relationship with his new girlfriend which then was his fiancé. Not wanting to ruin his experience/relationship I kept it to myself and continued on my own.
My daughter is almost 7 months old and he still has no clue, however to social media him his fiancé and son are happy.
I obviously feel awful on my daughter and I also feel awful on him, but what do I do?
I’m so worried of ruining their relationship and the reaction I may get from him that I hadn’t told him sooner..
What do I do? Please help

It sounds very difficult for you but you need to put your daughter and her needs first. Yes it will be hard for you. It’s going to be a shock for him (and what he tells his partner is his responsibility not yours). But stop worrying about ruining or upsetting his life / relationship and concern yourself with what your daughter deserves.

PS that sounded a lot harsher than I meant it to be. What you have to do as a mother is simple: put your child first. You can do this. You’ve got this. And once you’ve told him (if that’s what you choose to do) it will hopefully be a weight off your mind so you can fully enjoy your daughter knowing you’ve done right by her. I hope it works out for you.

I think it will be a lot easier to tell him now and for your child to grow up having a connection to their father and their half sibling than it would be for your daughter to search him out as a teen.

Yes it will be hard but so much easier now.

I think writing it all down and explaining as you have here why you delayed telling him as you didn't want to upset his happy bubble with new partner and baby.

If you write it down you have a chance to get what you say just right and they can all read it in their own time and digest it slowly.

Good luck. I think a weight will be lifted once you've done this.

You have done the best with the information you had, you have made the best choices from a place of good intentions and a place of being wary. It isn't bad at all and i don't see being careful/cautious as a mistake. I was in your shoes years ago, it is hard to know what to do and feeling tugged in all directions with mum guilt. The people who make you feel like you have done something wrong have not lived this, but we have. The best advice i can offer is just don't rush into a decision and keep researching, gather up as much information as you can so you are able to make a more informed decision or atleast have the info ready to give to your daughter one day. I did eventually write to my child's father and it turned out fine (shocked might be an under statement), but they have a good relationship now and I do not regret the years I waited. The time that passed allowed us to grow up and be in a better place to parent.

As someone who grew up not knowing my father I think you have been extremely selfish and all the justifications you're throwing out don't excuse your behaviour. The only way forward if you actually care about your child is to tell the father and facilitate as much contact as you can so they can hopefully build a loving relationship.
Your posts read all me me me with the ex use that you were doing it for his benefit! Unbelievable.

For the posters such as EstellaHanclay accusing @saubbs of being selfish, first, I do understand at lease second hand how much it can hurt to not know one's father, because that happened to someone who is very, very close to me. I have seen the lifelong damage that can cause, and I am sorry you had to experience that.

However, I think it might be more helpful to the child if we all accept that right now, the OP is facing a dilemma. She actually posted here in the first place because she is trying to work out what is the right thing to do for her DD right now, and she is asking for support and advice on this forum.

I agree with you that the best for her DD would probably be if OP can find a way to let the father know, while also keeping her safe, because if he does know, then there is at least some chance for DD to have a healthy relationship with him.

However, in part from reading all the other stories on here about the behaviour of some males, I also understand the concerns about handing over power and possibly unsupervised access to her DD to a man whom she does not know well, and who might be very angry at OP for having given birth to his child without telling him and without giving him an opportunity to apply pressure to terminate the pregnancy, which he might well have done had he known about it. To be clear, I am not saying she should have done anything differently: his major decision point was when he chose to have sex with OP, and after that, it was her body, her choice. But, however he may now feel about this birth and this child is a reality that will have consequences for DD.

Perhaps a solicitor would be one good source of advice around how best to protect DD, and otherwise, I think OP is looking for advice about how to let the father know in order to give her DD the best chance of being accepted emotionally by him.

Now… About the right to know her dad. Imagine if you used a donor (IVF) Now what? How would you live your life if your daughter is a IVF baby? They also have a right to know who their biological dad is. They get this right when they are 18yo
Why? Because then they are mature enough to face the reality and will not get as much damaged emotionally by fact that their biological dad will not run arms out to hug them and will not cry…. I am so happy I have another child I can not live with.
You got number of replies saying, that your daughter has a right to know his dad. I can not (and don't want to) argue with that. Today she is very young, she even don't know that “dad” as a concept exists. Meeting a strange man and being away from mum to stay with that man will upset her and maybe even cause emotional trauma for life. If she is older and knows what a “dad” is, then you can ask her, does she want to meet him. Maybe she does not want at all. Maybe she is happy with your family she has and does not want any drama in her life.
Remember: today you are providing love and stability for your daughter and yourself. The day you call up her dad you happy days are over. The least that will happen is that you will get a lot of abuse and anger from her dad. (He will not be happy about this news, you know that) But even worse is if he doesn't want to know her and your daughter will learn that she has a dad who doesn't love her. What if he and his GF will be bad to her, will make her aware that she is unwanted, she is an “accident” she is not loved by her dad and his family. You can not avoid that if they know she exist. They will take you court over and over again for more access, for less access,for less CM for holidays.because they don't like your friends, your house, your hobbies...you name it (endless threads in MN) and you and your daughter will always live under emotional distress. Do you want that to your daughter?
Fourth option: If he is a good guy and if he will forgive you over the time and he will want to have access to your daughter. Are you ready that you have to send your daughter away to stay with dad his GF and their children? She will have a happy family with them 50% of her life and you will be alone 50% yor life. She tells you how much she loves times with them and might ask, can she live with them and only visit you? What if dad and his family will ask for custody? When she is teenager, she has right to choose him and his family as her main carer (resident parent)and she did grow to love them over the years.
You will never be happy when she is happy. And you will not be happy when she is miserable at their house. No good scenario for you.

I am just thinking about the child.

I read the thread. I stand by all I said.

The contraception comment was a general one. So many supposedly mature women who have sex without contraception then seem surprised they have conceived.

He has a moral right to know and he also has a moral and legal duty to pay child support. So please don’t go in with this nonsense about your child not Deserving anything from him - your child is a person with rights, they are not yours to give away.

His current relationship issues are his to deal with. You barely know him so stop trying to manage his life for him, you have quite enough on your plate.

He chose to have consensual sex with you , so he knew pregnancy was possible. He took that risk, as did you. Now you BOTH have to live with the consequence of that choice. It’s not up to you to save him from that.

I totally get that you are coming from niceness and kindness. But that’s getting in the way of your duty as a mother to your child, you need to stand up for your baby.

BTW I bet this man has not given half as much head space to you and your needs as you have given to his.

BTW I bet this man has not given half as much head space to you and your needs as you have given to his.

Why would he? What needs?

"Now… About the right to know her dad. Imagine if you used a donor (IVF) Now what? How would you live your life if your daughter is a IVF baby? They also have a right to know who their biological dad is. They get this right when they are 18yo"

It is not the same situation. There a man has made the choice to pass his sperm on knowing he will help someone to have a chance at having their own child. He knows he will not be involved in the childs upbringing.

"You will never be happy when she is happy. And you will not be happy when she is miserable at their house. No good scenario for you."

This may not happen and is scaremongering. As a parent, I will always put my child first. And as part of that make sacrifices myself. The child and the father have a right to know the truth. Sooner rather than later. If he doesn't want to know, shes so young she will be none the wiser and it can be discussed with her when she is older and ready. If he does want to be involved then a father and daughter get to build a relationship.

It will be hard, but it will only get harder. Do not deprive a man who may step up of a chance to be a part of his daughter's life without giving him a chance. It doesn't matter how good your intentions may have been. I completely agree with @Pand0ra

"He has a moral right to know and he also has a moral and legal duty to pay child support. So please don’t go in with this nonsense about your child not Deserving anything from him - your child is a person with rights, they are not yours to give away."

It will always be far worse to say to your child that you didn't give her Dad a chance to be their Dad, regardless of the reasons you've given, than it would be to say he didn't want to be involved.

I think you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time from some posters on this thread for not yet telling the father. If I was pregnant to a man I barely knew and was soon after in a new relationship, expecting another baby and then engaged, I wouldn’t know where to start with contacting him and coping with the fall out from disrupting his happy bubble. I wouldn’t feel like my precious baby was going to be welcomed or celebrated. I would fear that she might be rejected.
I would try and find out more information about the father to ascertain whether he is likely to be a good father to your DD or not. Why did you end things? There are plenty of women on here who wish they could turn back time and disappear when they were pregnant to prevent having to try and co-parent with misogynistic, angry men.

If you decide not to tell him, or not to tell him yet, at least make sure someone else knows who he is in the event of your death.

I guess if you haven't seen him around then you can't live closely but, what happens if your daughter and his son are in the same class/year group at school? They have a right to know each other exist.

I think you need to tell him, explaining as you did here. You should have told him much earlier - stop managing the life of this man from afar. This is not kindness.

You are thinking from the wrong perspective- what’s best for your Dd is what is most important here.

Nothing in your post suggests he will want 50/50 care he already has a young baby to look after.

I think you have tied yourself up in knots - it won’t get easier , at 7 months IF he wanted to know her little and often visits would be the plan.

I don’t believe it is the mum’s job to fight and encourage any interest but do think you have to look forward - when she starts school - why haven’t I got a dad?

Can I meet my dad?

Why doesn’t my dad see me ?

All difficult to answer .

It would imo be far worse to find out you have a 7 year old than 7 month old.

Other than giving your child the chance of a happy relationship with her biological father, which honestly should be enough, please think about the following:

When your daughter is brought up by solely you and she's happy, she hasn't moved past thoughts of her dad. When she eventually learns the truth, the one person she thought she could trust has deceived her and betrayed her... just imagine how that will feel. Your daughter will hit a real low point and won't be able to trust you any more after that, your relationship will never be the same.

If you tell him and he's troublesome then sure it's difficult, but at the end of the day your daughter will know that you were fighting for her benefit from day one. If you don't tell him then you have an easier life but it's not for your daughters benefit and as much as you can lie to yourself about her understanding, the truth is you could ruin that relationship with her forever.

OP what's done is done. It's about how you move forward now. I would contact him, tell him you have something to tel him and then just tell him. You can't control his reaction but from what you've said about him, I think the chances are that he will will take it as well as he can. He will need to come to terms with it and maybe you could offer to meet him in public once the dust settles and talk about whether he wants visits etc. There's no point going over how it will ruin him /
Partner etc as the fact is that there's a little human being involved. She
Needs to come first. Nothing else matters. You just need to think practically now.

You'll have to find some inner strength and just take the step. Then cross each bridge when it comes to it.

You are probably making it worse for yourself by antagonising over it, once you've made contact it will
Be relief.

I diagree that your relationship with your child can be ruined over waiting and holding off from contacting. Lying and hiding truth can ruin relationships but being open and honest with child about why dad is not around won't ruin things. I never hid the truth and when my child was of a suitable secure age fully ready, I made contact. Had i lied or refused to say anything, or not worked with the needs and wants of my child then maybe i may have caused damage.

OP, I didn’t tell my sons birth father until my son was 10. By this point he had a partner and a 4 year old. Now that upset everyone. Big mistake on my part. My son handled it amazingly but the the father and his partner were savage. They have no relationship at all and I doubt my son will ever have a relationship with his half brother either.

I had a baby with a man I hardly knew after a contraceptive failure. He was angry at me for keeping the baby. But now he video calls once a week, chooses to send money once a month, and has told his family who adore our baby.
So you never know.

OP, congratulations and I can see why you haven't told him yet. Looking to the future, advances in DNA make this an impossible secret to keep - if anyone involved or related does an ancestry test on both sides, it is discovered. Bearing this in mind, I would send a first and then a second message.

Hi I hope you are well. I see you have a little one now, that's great. I need to share something with you, and you will probably be very shocked, and need to think it through and talk to your partner and family before you get back to me. I'm sorry I left it so long, but it was with good intentions, but possibly a bad decision on my part. Longer message to follow, or you can call me on xyz.
Then what you put in your post above, explaining that you didn't expect to have a successful pregnancy, then you did look to contact him, but didn't want to disrupt their pregnancy. And that you then realised there is no good time and that keeping it from him wasn't fair. That you want to know in due course if he wants to meet her. That your reasons for getting in touch are not financial.

I think you should tell him, after all it,s not just about him, it also turns out your child has/will have a half sibling, He may ask for proof of parentatege and who could blame him.

Jesus I can’t believe some people are saying he doesn’t have to know?
He’s obviously a good father to the son he knows about, he’s probably going to be devastated that he’s missed out on the birth and first few months of his daughters life.
I feel so sorry for him.
Yes, this is going to be massive and he initially might freak out but he is her father. They have a right to a relationship.