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Original poster

Telling the father about my child

115 replies

saubbs · 12/07/2020 16:26

This is really hard and personal to me I just need some advise; my daughter is 6 months old now and I have never told her father about her.

Long story short we were seeing eachother for a few weeks, I realised I wasn’t interested and wanted to be on my own so we left things there and no contact at all. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant, however in the past I have suffered 2 miscarriages within my 6 year relationship therefore when I found out I was pregnant I didn’t quite believe it.. I booked a private scan which was told the sack was empty, still no period weeks later I booked another scan and was told a baby was growing. I still was in shock so decided to keep it to myself as at that point I was only 7 weeks. As the weeks went on I started to believe it more and more, I was then 12 weeks and was told everything was okay. I searched him on social media and saw he now had a girlfriend which put me off of telling him, got to 20 weeks and knew that I really was having this baby I decided to search him again to then see his girlfriend was then pregnant! So in my head I panicked and didn’t want to ruin his relationship with his new girlfriend which then was his fiancé. Not wanting to ruin his experience/relationship I kept it to myself and continued on my own.
My daughter is almost 7 months old and he still has no clue, however to social media him his fiancé and son are happy.
I obviously feel awful on my daughter and I also feel awful on him, but what do I do?
I’m so worried of ruining their relationship and the reaction I may get from him that I hadn’t told him sooner..
What do I do? Please help

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 18/07/2020 19:20

I still think the time to tell him has passed. Dropping this bombshell on a new family is pretty cruel I think. He didn't even get the choice at the time. Can't see the point in telling him now. Just mean.

Joebloggsss · 18/07/2020 19:25

@Viviennemary

Unless you need his financial support then I don't think I would tell him. I can't see why he needs to know now when he didn't need to know before.
Terrible advise. OP should f told of spoke up before but it doesn’t matter. She can still put things right. 7 months is nothing compared to 18 years. How can you compare?
RyanBergarasTeeth · 18/07/2020 19:27

I still think the time to tell him has passed. Dropping this bombshell on a new family is pretty cruel I think. He didn't even get the choice at the time. Can't see the point in telling him now. Just mean.

This is utterly ridiculous. Its never too late to tell someone they have a child especially when the child is still a baby. He still has her entire childhood to get to know her or just know about her. The child can then grow up at least knowing her dad knows about her making it easier for her if she wanted to contact him one day. There is absolutely nothing mean about it. Op needs to be the adult now and tell him.

Joebloggsss · 18/07/2020 19:29

@Viviennemary

I still think the time to tell him has passed. Dropping this bombshell on a new family is pretty cruel I think. He didn't even get the choice at the time. Can't see the point in telling him now. Just mean.
What will OP say to her child when they get older? The truth will be exposed eventually and it will be worse as OP would have denied her child of father and a sibling from the fathers side Shock. It will rock the boat but he will get over it.
RyanBergarasTeeth · 18/07/2020 19:31

Also op your not alone. My gran was in the same situation except she was foreign and had a fling in another country got pregnant and almost had her child taken from her as an unwed mother before she decided to flee with baby who was nearly one to find the dad and told him in his language in a pub of all places. So its scary to tell but for your daughters sake you need to tell him. Even if you send him a message on fb and sign out after for the day until you are ready to see the reply.

Dontknownow86 · 18/07/2020 19:50

Please tell him. My mum didn't tell my dad about me and I am now a woman in my mid thirties desperately wanting to know who he is but agonising about taking the step because I know it will be such a shock to him. It shouldn't have to be my responsibly to have to worry about this, she should have done it for me.

My mum is convinced I'm fine and it wasn't a problem especially as i had a step dad but honestly it upsets me every time the doctor asks about family history and i don't know etc. My step dad lost interest in me as soon as they divorced (not that long ago) and we were never close anyway. I've spent hours online trying to find a Facebook profile or just something so i can even see what he looks like. It's torture honestly.

Original poster
saubbs · 18/07/2020 21:12

@ScrapThatThen just wanna say thank you so much x

OP posts:
SheldonCoop · 18/07/2020 21:43

If I could interject.

My situation is slightly different, my mother and biological father knew about me (Obviously 🤔 takes two to tango) but my mother did not tell me about my father until 3 days before my wedding. I was 25 at the time. My father had always been in contact with my mother to keep checks on me and how I was growing up even though he did not have direct contact with me. I finally met my father last year aged 26. All I wish was that my mother had been honest with me from a young age, where I could of kept in contact with my father and got to know my other 3 siblings. I feel that I was lied to and at a disadvantage as everyone around me knew the truth but me.

If I could offer some advice I'd be honest with him, be honest with your daughter. If he chooses to be part of your daughters life then that's brilliant. If he chooses not to be part of her life then at least you can say you've been honest with him. Be open and honest with your daughter as she grows up, let her know who her father is, if she then chooses when she's older to find him and make contact, let that be her choice.

Mintjulia · 19/07/2020 09:46

Look at it this way OP.

If you send the father a private message, you will have done your best by your daughter, behaved responsibly towards the father and you won’t have to worry about not telling him anymore.

He may be proactive and support you which would be lovely or he may not want anything to do with his dc in which case you have lost nothing.

Congratulations x

Original poster
saubbs · 19/07/2020 22:49

Another one of my worries also, he’s the only one in his family that can speak English. His mum knows a few words but his gran and cousins know none. How would they communicate with my daughter? I know you’re all saying I’m mean for not telling him but I promise you I’m not doing this for my benefit or to be malicious. I know I was the one to start seeing him, have a 4 week relationship and then cut it off and decide to keep the baby, call me immature that’s fine however if you we’re all in my position you’d be in 2 minds too. As I said before, so many pros yet so many cons. The panic attacks I’ve had where this is on my mind is a joke. For the people who like to be mean, I know my daughter has a right to know who her father is. I know he has a right to know he has a daughter. But how and when and all these worries and questions are in my head 24/7. I’m probably making it harder for myself worrying but it’s a hard situation to be in.

OP posts:
welliwasntexpectingthat · 19/07/2020 22:55

I have direct experience of this. I know it wasn't malicious but you need to accept you have made a mistake by not telling him and you simply must tell him now. It will break hearts i know (i really do) but it is the only right thing to do i'm afraid.

Lorddenning1 · 19/07/2020 23:17

You are torturing yourself with this OP, the longer this goes on for the worst you are going to feel, think of what this is doing to your mental health, you need to tell him, sooner rather than later so u can get on with your life, good or bad, you cannot continue like this.

bluebell34567 · 19/07/2020 23:26

how would he react do you think if you tell him?

bluebell34567 · 19/07/2020 23:28

maybe tell him and add it is up to him if he wants to be involved.

AllsortsofAwkward · 19/07/2020 23:39

You sound very young. You were wrong to not inform him when you decided to proceed with the pregnancy. You denied him a relationship and to make different choices had he known. Ultimately you be will throwing a bomb in his new family. You need to owe up to that and admit withholding that information was wrong. Its down to youre dd and her right to have a relationship with both parents. You need to make this right and tell him.

TimeWastingButFun · 19/07/2020 23:45

I do think that unless a father is violent or unsafe in any way then they would have a right to know, also your child has a right to a father (imagine the resentment later if she finds out you never told him).

Joebloggsss · 20/07/2020 00:16

@saubbs

Another one of my worries also, he’s the only one in his family that can speak English. His mum knows a few words but his gran and cousins know none. How would they communicate with my daughter? I know you’re all saying I’m mean for not telling him but I promise you I’m not doing this for my benefit or to be malicious. I know I was the one to start seeing him, have a 4 week relationship and then cut it off and decide to keep the baby, call me immature that’s fine however if you we’re all in my position you’d be in 2 minds too. As I said before, so many pros yet so many cons. The panic attacks I’ve had where this is on my mind is a joke. For the people who like to be mean, I know my daughter has a right to know who her father is. I know he has a right to know he has a daughter. But how and when and all these worries and questions are in my head 24/7. I’m probably making it harder for myself worrying but it’s a hard situation to be in.
It’s because your over worrying yourself. Don’t worry about the language barrier it’s not essential at this stage. What did you tell your friends and family say sorry I don’t mean it in a bad way but did they not ask about the father when during pregnancy or when the baby was born??
Lizadork · 20/07/2020 01:00

You speak the paternal family do not speak English or that it is limited - does dad have dual nationality?

Lizadork · 20/07/2020 01:00

You said*

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 20/07/2020 07:51

@saubbs try and look at it positively also. If his family don't speak English and he is involved how much richer will your childs life be learning a 2nd language from a very early age when their brains are more ready to do so. Send a message similar to what another poster advised. I don't for one second think you've done this maliciously but it needs to be done, for your mental well being, for your child and for the father. You deserve peace and I think you already have accepted he deserves to know. I can definitively say if I was in your position I would worry and stress but ultimately I would have told him.

GreenTulips · 20/07/2020 07:56

At the moment you are living a lie and it’s eating you up.

Let the truth out. Either she’ll have a father or you’ll continue as you are.

His relationship is for him to deal with. If there’s no cross over I fail to see how this would effect the relationship.

lufcaregoingup · 20/07/2020 08:02

You need to tell him OP. It would probably be best in writer form. A letter, email so you can think about what you want to say and then he will have time to digest and think if he wants to be involved.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 20/07/2020 08:04

I don't think you've been malicious or selfish at all, I'm quite surprised at the some of the responses on here.

However, I do think that you need to tell him, and the sooner the better. It will only get harder. Your DD will ask the question one day. Then you are in a bloody hard position because you either have to tell some sort of lie (which she will probably discover somewhere down the line) or you tell her the truth. And by that point you've left it so long that it has become a huge issue and your DD will probably be very angry with you. It could ruin your relationship.

I would send him an email explaining everything and then just see what happens. He may just totally ignore it, but at least you will have done what was right. Then when Your DD asks about It you don't have to tell any lies.

midwifeyNC · 20/07/2020 08:13

Op, at the end of the day, this is about your daughter. You have anxieties, but the only right thing to do here is to tell him, and tell him soon. The longer you wait the worse it is.

Purplequalitystreet · 20/07/2020 08:43

This is so difficult, but I think you should tell him for several reasons:

  1. your daughter and her father have a right to know of each other's existence and to possibly have a relationship if that's what they both want

  2. you are not responsible for his relationship, so try not to worry about this too much. Also remember that it's not as though you were the Other Woman. Your relationship was over before he met his current partner. He hasn't lied to her either as he doesn't know about your daughter. Personally, if I found out that my partner had a child in these circumstances, it would be shocking but not relationship ending.

  3. I think you're making your anxiety worse by not telling him, and you'll feel better once it's done. Otherwise it's going to hang over you forever.

I do agree with PP's suggestion that it might be worth seeking some legal advice.

Good luck! I don't think you've done anything wrong btw, but he does need to know and you can get this sorted before it affects your daughter