Threats from ex

[CrimbleCrumble123]

My controlling, uncooperative ex has just text a family member (I've blocked him) to say that if I don't let him FaceTime our DC whenever he wants then he will ring social services and report me for mentally abusing our child. Can he do this? I am sick to death of the threats if he doesn't get his own way!

He can do it, but he won’t get far.

I am sorry, that sounds extremely stressful. I don’t know how seriously Children’s Services would take the allegation of mental abuse, but do your children have regular FaceTime contact with him? It would probably help you massively if they had a consistent amount of contact with him. I know it’s really difficult but unless he’s hurting then emotionally or mentally they would probably benefit from some contact with him. It’s just an outside perspective though, you have all the facts. I wish you well. Perhaps some legal help would be the way to go forward.

I should probably add that my DC is 5, and that the ex has them to stay 1 or 2 nights every week.

Ignore him..

Offer him fixed times. And stick to them. If he takes this to court (remember, unless in extreme circumstances it is the child's right to have a relationship with both parents) he will likely get court ordered contact.

You can offer facetime then step back. It is intrusive OP, I understand that, but you can't force a 5yo to facetime for long. Plus he stays in one place so ex doesn't get to snoop round your home. Maybe get a burner phone just for this, turn it on at agreed times.

@Muppetry76 We have contact which is fixed ahead, for one or two days a week, overnight. The problem is that my ex wants to be able to FaceTime my DC whenever he wants in between. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't, and it's when I say no is when I get threatened with social services!

@CrimbleCrumble123 mine was the same - I felt it was such an intrusion into my home and our lives - part of his ongoing coersion and bullying continued via the DCs.
Offer him the contact, at a set time. If he threatens you with social services then just ignore and try not to rise to it (hard, I know!). Ensure all correspondence to you is via email/text - if he threatens you then you have evidence he was doing so to show SS. He's actually digging himself a hole if he continues to threaten you.

I hope you find the strength to take a stand against him. It took me a very long time to be able to do so, but taking the power away from him is hugely empowering.

You could report him to the police for Harrassing your family member and making that threat OP.

@Muppetry76 That's exactly how I feel! I don't mind him FaceTiming now and again, but I do object to being told when it is or if not then he'll report me! And it does feel like an intrusion - most FaceTime calls involve the ex asking DC what they've had for dinner, have they washed, has mummy cut their nails, and then DC will take them on an inadvertent tour of the house whilst they are talking! I feel like I need to hide in an upstairs bedroom!

And I'm currently building up the courage to contact a mediation service, I'm just worried about the repercussions

Mediation is not advisable or workable with an ex like yours OP.....

@StrawberryJam200 Why would mediation not work with him?

You describe him as controlling and he's prepared to threaten you with social services, via a relative. Exes such as this will seek to control the mediation process - which is meant to be based on both parties wanting to reach a fair agreement. For this reason mediation is not recommended or required in situations of abuse.

The short version is, he'll use it to try and get his own way, possibly hurting you further in the process. Unless the mediator spots what he's about and halts the sessions anyway.

@StrawberryJam200 Thank you - what would be the way forward for me if mediation doesn't work? Do I have to at least attempt the mediation first?

See here for example:
www.ringroselaw.co.uk/2014/01/21/mediation-suitable-domestic-violence/

In answer to your question: I would read the excellent advice here (and elsewhere on the Rights of Women website:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/child-arrangements-and-domestic-violence-a-handbook-for-women/

Do you think there's any chance of getting an agreement in writing with him? If not (as I suspect), you could try getting a solicitor to write to him suggesting a pattern of contact.

What exactly do you want to achieve, defined contact inc calls?

@StrawberryJam200 Thank you for the links. I just want an agreed contact schedule (he currently does see DC but he decides when - I don't get a say in the matter). I want him to stop dictating everything. Stop the threats of social services. Stop contacting my relative (it's not constant contact but when he does it's telling them to pass something on to me which is generally a threat). There's more but I don't want to bore you. He's the kind of person that if the idea is his then great, but if it was me that came up with that idea then he would be nope I'm not doing it!

Seal to a solicitor, most will give half an he's free advice. It may be you're eligible for legal aid, have you had any professional involvement in the past?

You could also report his behaviour to the police, or speak to women's aid.

@StrawberryJam200 If you mean any involvement in the past such as solicitors, then no I've never spoken to anyone! I'm not sure I'd be able to prove domestic violence

Do you face time them when they with him.?
If he seeing them each week I dont see the value of face timing so much at that age.
Just ignore.
Let him report.
Ss might call you but you not causing them emotional harm or stopping contact.
Get the days and times of co tact set out and agreed
Much better to have consistent set contact days

Look up and download a parenting plan for separated parents .
You or via solicitor ask him to agree the times days for contact and maybe specific face time if you think dc benefits at set time. Eg dc stays overnight Tuesday Wednesday. Facetime calls at 6 00 pm on friday.

@Embracelife No they don't FaceTime me when with him, that's his time with them so I don't want to interfere. Yes DC spends more time with me but I don't think there is much need for calling inbetween when it's only a few days until they see him again!

Thanks, I'll have a look at an example of a parenting plan as I've not heard of that before

Oh yes I hadn't thought of parenting plans. However they only actually work when both parents adhere to them.

Re evidence of domestic abuse (which doesn't have to be physical by any means): have you got nasty or bullying /controlling texts or emails from him? Ever been to the GP because of stress caused by him? This sort of thing can sometimes be enough proof......

@StrawberryJam200 I have texts from him making demands and kicking off when I said no, I also went to the doctors when we split up and was referred for counselling to deal with my anxiety as he was constantly sending me abusive texts?

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parenting-plan/

If you download and present written proposal to ex then youhzve record of being reasonable.