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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

dh just told me his girlfriend of last four months is pregnant

37 replies

almostmidnight · 20/08/2007 20:04

Found out today other woman is supposedly pregnant. He sent me a scan picture by phone. Told him if he wants to prove it he will have to send me a copy showing his or her names on it or a dna test result. They have only been together three months and he only left two months ago. Kn*b. I have told him there is nothing more he can do to hurt me so if he tries anything the only people he will hurt now are his two dd's.

Have also told him that he has made my decision easier. She is now never to have anything to do with my children. He keeps both families completely separate. His family want nothing to do with her either. Am I within my rights to stop her from seeing my two dd's. I will never have anything to do with their child so why should she have the right to my children.

Thing is as you probably know, I had sex with him last week and gave him a bl*w job yesterday. I can't believe he would do this to her even when knowing she is expecting. He has threatened me not to do anything to hurt his new relationship or he will walk away although I am very tempted. Why are men such pigs.

OP posts:

peanutbear · 20/08/2007 20:08

Tell her I would

Can I ask why your still sleeping with him if you know he has someone else is it because she did it to you?

BBBee · 20/08/2007 20:10

he is the one who said it was confusing wasn't it.

Would he really lie about the pregnancy?

He is very confused.

He is also in no postion to threaten anyone!!!

tribpot · 20/08/2007 20:12

Seems odd that a scan photo doesn't have her name on it, actually - although he may have scaled it for a phone. And what a charming way to let you know, incidentally. In the future hopefully all cheating bastard dhs will alert their wives via picture messaging. Not.

I wouldn't worry unduly about future relations between your kids and the little one, you could expend a lot of energy on that right now with little effect. After all, you don't even know if she is really pregnant. The main thing is to make sure he doesn't say anything to your dds.

If he would seriously walk if you threatened his new 'relationship', I suggest you do it, to see what would happen. Maybe it's better to get him out of your kids' lives sooner rather than later?

hermykne · 20/08/2007 20:12

almost midnight
hes a pig and he ll only stop being one when you stop fulfilling his desires of 2 women on the go! youre mad bj's ? come on, the girls are most important and you have to start afresh with your held high not down low on him, i bet he ll twist that one on you if you wanted an easy custody battle?!

mamazon · 20/08/2007 20:15

i don't know the background but from yoru Op i would just like to say that by allowing him to use you for sex like this you are just showing him you copnsider yourself not to deserve any better treatment.

he doesn't have to treat you with any respect at all because you don;'t demand it.

why are you having sex with a man who left you 2 months ago?

secondly yes you are within your rights to keep your children seperate form his new family BUT as hurtfull as it must be for you this baby will be the half brother/sister to your children. whatever the rights or wrongs of its conception your children desevre to have the chance of a relationship with their new sibling.

he does not need to prove anything to you, you are over. what he does in his life is no longer your business....as soon as that sinks in he will lose the power to hurt you anymore, trust me.

Theclosetpagan · 20/08/2007 20:16

am - if he turns up again looking for a casual fling (sex or a blow job) tell him to get lost - you deserve much better than that type of treatment.

I'd let her know what he has been up to. If the new relationship is so important to him why is he turning up and asking you for sex?

Am certain you can say she mustn't see your children - trouble is this may be difficult if he remains in a long term relationship with her.

It would be interesting to know how he'd feel if a man treated one of his daughters in this way twenty years down the line.

Peachy · 20/08/2007 20:20

says a lot more about him than her suitability to see your kids, to be entirely honest- ie she's now becoming 9despite hwever it intially started) a victim of this, to be frank, tosspot too. Agree with the poster that said this baby will be a sibling (albeit half) to your children, hurtful though that must be.

Please don't sleep with him again! it'll only damage your self esteem and that won't help a jot.

Some of my scans with ds2 /3 didnt ahev a name on, btw.

Original poster

almostmidnight · 20/08/2007 20:33

I suppose I had the sex with him at the time to see if he was willing to cheat on her. I have no regrets about it at all. My two dd's will always come first with me. I don't need to sleep with him again now to prove anything.

I don't think he would try and fight for custody, not when his family are all on my side. I doubt he could afford to take it all to court anyway. He is expecting me to pay some of the bills next month for him. I told him if he can afford to go to Glasgow to visit her then he can certainly afford to pay the bills himself. He seems to forget sometimes that he chose this new life so why should I be the one paying financially for it.

Personally at the moment I wouldn't care if he walked. The stupid thing is I am the one pushing him to spend time with his girls. He took this week off at my request to spend it with his children (the last time they spent time with him was away on holiday in April) not to use it to go and see his pregnant girlfriend. Tell me I am not unreasonable when he was going to spend one afternoon of his five days off with them and that is when I was having my hair cut. In the last eight weeks he has spent only 27 hours with them.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 20:34

I'd tell her. What have you got to lose? He's a wank stain.

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 20:35

I'd also apply to divorce him on the grounds of adultery.

Peachy · 20/08/2007 20:36

I think she deservs to know tbh BUT I also think she's really not going to believe it from you! Bit of a conundrum really

Original poster

almostmidnight · 20/08/2007 20:39

One thing he knows I won't do is give him a divorce for the next five years. He is in the army and basically if anything happened I would still be his next of kin and entitled to his benefits. He only has four years left to do. Morbid I know but I am thinking of the girls. Has anyone done one of those Separation Agreement things.

OP posts:

mamazon · 20/08/2007 20:40

don't tell her yet.

if you really want revenge then when he returns home give him the impression he is going to get sex again.
gethim on a bed with his trousers down....but have that days newspaper placed next to him....grab your phone and take the picture.

then send it to her.

proof thathe is a lying cheating tosspot.

prior to this bag every item he owns from your home up. when he finally leaves place them outside the house and then change teh locks

then divorce him.

mamazon · 20/08/2007 20:41

but i am evil and twisted so maybe not

expatinscotland · 20/08/2007 20:45

GREAT idea, mamazon!

Isababel · 20/08/2007 20:51

I think this man doesn't deserve any more attention from you. Obviously, you are annoyed but if he is as (fill the blank) as he looks like, it seems to me that any idea of "revenge" will backfire on you as he won't care.

When I first read the OP I thought, but hey... he is the father of your DD but with that behaviour, using you and trying to hurt you so shamelessly, he doesn't seem like the good natured father to be around your DD. I would stop insisting him to see them. And would get a different phone number.

Original poster

almostmidnight · 20/08/2007 21:26

He has already officially left two months ago. His work have found him a flat and he has no bills to pay on it. It was there that we had sex. He has no key to this house which is an army house and I am having to look for somewhere else to live at the moment. I doubt he will be asking me for sex again either.

I have spoken with my mother-in-law (my second best friend) and she says I should totally blank him and any calls he makes. She is going to be there now on Thursday when he watches the girls and his dad (who was living here when we were together and still is) will be around at the weekend when he comes here to look after them. I told him he should come here the first couple of times he has weekend contact to make it easier for the girls for mummy being away. However, I don't feel I can trust him now having them on his own at his own flat. He says I should make things easier for him to see his girls by letting him see them and the girlfriend at the same time. I have offered him alternate weekends as long as she does not have contact. I am sure he could split his time 50/50. Surely this is fair.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 20/08/2007 22:26

Know how you feel in similar situation few months down the line...know exactly how you feel....so much to say not even sure how it is just crappy really crappy....and we keep trying to do what is best for our DC while they just act like dicks

studentmum1 · 20/08/2007 22:47

this is a very complicated situation but i hate to be the bearer of bad news... you legally won't be able to stop your dds seeing his gf. my dd goes every saturday to her dads and i can do bugger all about his gf (who is a b*tch) unless she threatens them or poses a threat to them.

Peachy · 21/08/2007 16:28

Think its also worths aying keep the ines of communication open- you have every right to feel angry and it would be bizarre if you didn't, decisions amde in the heat of anger aren't necessarily the best considered though. Your child will need contact with their half sibling and father in the long term, and to be honest the half sibling is just as innocent aprty in all this as you or your child (sadly we don't get a say in the circumstances of our conception). Back off from the X for a bit, take time to regroup, but don't cut the ties that your child may need as your child may well hold that against you one day.

Original poster

almostmidnight · 21/08/2007 19:53

Spoke to ex today and asked him if he wants to walk away from his girls. He says not but will if I push him. I told him I am not pushing him. I am hurt and angry but in the end it would be his own choice which he has to live with.

He sees his solicitor next Wednesday and I have told him that after that we are to sit down and rediscuss the terms of the separation agreement and I expect him to tell me the truth from start to finish. He has told so many lies I don't think he knows himself what the truth is.

I am thinking more clearly today and I know one day the children will have to meet each other but not yet, I would rather they were older and understood the circumstances. I will let them see the other child with their father. Unfortunately that does not change my views on this other woman seeing them as she new she was sleeping with a married man with two tiny children. I also wonder whether she got pregnant on purpose to keep her claws in him.

OP posts:

pirategirl · 21/08/2007 20:00

sorry but as you are married, and if you were when you had your children, you can have residency of them, but you will both be entitled to equal parental responsibility regarding major decisions about their futures.

You cannot get custody as such, inthe way that yuo call the shots about who they can or cannot see. The only way a court would give you custody is if they had been physically harmed.

snowwonder · 21/08/2007 20:04

i hate the thought of my dd with the other women..... but i have to let her go as i dont want her to feel pulled between us.

it has been 2 years for me, and OW will be dd's step mum on saturday as ex and her get married....

It really tears my up but i just try to get on with it,

I dont blame the other women as i havent a clue what lies Ex told her, he told me enough so she must have got some as well,
He is the one i hate becasue he knew the truth about his family etc and the lies he was telling.. and he was the one who gave up his family

LoopyLouLisa · 21/08/2007 20:19

i think you should tell dh that it is not benefitial to dds to be introduced to another woman so soon after your split. however old they are they need time to adjust and it also allows time to see if the relationship is a lasting one or just a fling as it's still early days in that too. ask your dh how he would feel if you introduced a new boyf to dds so soon? bet he wouldn't like it and i'm sure he would want you to wait and see if a relationship with a new partner was serious or not.

it will always hurt having to allow dds to meet ow but probably less so further down the line. remember they are your daughters and will always love and adore you as their mum. no-one else can take your place in their eyes. thinking of you xx

Original poster

almostmidnight · 21/08/2007 22:30

Loopy LouLisa, you read my mind. This is exactly what I have told him already. My poor mother-in-law has said she wants nothing to do with the child. She must be going through hell too.

I know I can't stop the other woman having contact. God knows I've worked for solicitors since I left school but for now I believe he should respect my decision that she has nothing to do with them. Heaven forbid if anything should happen to me then I realise he will get custody and she would have them anyway. I just think he should wait until I am ready to make the decision and am able to move on with my life.

As I said before I am quite horrified for her that he was capable of cheating on her (even if it was with me) when knowing she was having his baby. I am just glad my two are girls as in this family it is a case of like father, like uncle, like grandfather, like great grandfather.

Why is that the majority of men have to find themselves another woman before they can leave?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

OP posts:

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