Essbee, I don't know if this will be of any help, but generally speaking my ds's tantrums/meltdowns occur so quickly that I can't see them coming by which time he is too far gone. When he was very much younger he used to foam at the mouth because he couldn't have his own way and I used to say that he goes "deaf dumb and blind". There is absolutely no communicating with him at all. He is still like this now and so I find it easier not to say anything at all or if I feel the need, try and "elevate" (sounds stupid, but it works) myself out of the situation. If I am having to restrain him, I imagine that I am floating above situation, therefore detatching myself from what is happening. I feel it keeps my sanity slightly...and definitely no eye contact at all or it makes him worse. Though, more recently I do not restrain him - as it ends up worse for both of us with injuries - he is kicking, screaming, punching, scratching, spitting, and generally just attacking me - running full pelt at me and not letting me get up if I fall to the floor.
When my ds has spoken to various consultants, paeds, psychologists etc he has said that it is better for him if I leave him to it and he is on his own. This is difficult as he could hurt himself if he is trashing his room but he has to calm down by himself. This however sounds all well and good but after 5.5 years of this behaviour it has taken me that long to work this out. I have tried the restraining him and talking and cajolling him, but to no avail, it is really best to let him get on with it until usually he ends up in tears and I take my que to go upstairs and we have a hug and a kiss, a little drink of water and a gentle talk and tidy the room together.
I then have to apologise to my neighbours on one side because it always surprises me to find they haven't called the police! He is SO loud and can deafen me if I am in the room with him.
I don't know if this helps but if possible and you think he will be safe, try and leave him to scream it out - my ds is always tired afterwards (as am I!).
I am in the process of decorating his room at the moment and have bought a midi sleeper with space underneath. What I want to do is to create a little den underneath with his tv and video and a bean bag so that he can feel "safe" and enclosed in his little space which I am hoping will help to calm him down quickly.
If you like you can contact me on C.A.T. (((hugs))) xxxxxx