essbee, I really, really think you are being too hard on yourself. Your son messing up your house, not listening to you, and you feeling exhausted and resentful does not make you a bad mother, but a mother doing her best.
From what you've said, and FWIW, I think some of what you feel stems from your own relationship with your parents. I get the impression you weren't that close to them when you were a child? I come from a different angle. I was very close to my mum as a child (my dad was ill). She was very tolerant(I was living with my boyfriend at home when I was sixteen) she spoiled me, she was not that ambitious for me, she did things her way - not always the accepted way. However, she was always there for me and showed her love for me. She in turn had been very close to her mother, who had been very close to hers etc etc. I come from a strong line! Even when my sons are at their worst, when the head teacher said my oldest was one of the worst behaved boys in the school, when the nursery said my youngest was 'beyond normal behaviour limits' I never felt it was primarily due to me being a bad mother. I never could take on lots of personal guilt about it.That's because I have a strong sense of what it's like to have a good mother. I hope I can do the same for my sons. Even if I can't, I feel what I am doing for them is 'ok' as I have a template to copy off.
If I did not have this template, those memories, and also had no one around me in real life to look at what I was doing and say, well done, I couldn't do better myself, it would be so esay for me to feel I was failing. I can't analyse your situation - I am not you, but I know why I don't feel like a bad mother. A lot is to do with my parants.
Glad you had a productive evening. Take care.