My mother has just invited me round to dinner with my ex!!!!

[Pinkchampagne]

She has text me "Do you & ex H want to come round to dinner tomorrow night?"
How barking! What are they playing at???

Yes, well sun out of anyone's backside is still out of their arse!!!!!!

I am really really shocked by the 'best feel' comment. How completely and utterly distasteful.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - you're the one who was treated agressively if his jeans weren't dry, you're the one who had to listen to DS call his bedroom a prison, and you're the one who endured such a foul comment about what could have been a simple kindness at a funeral.

Unbelievable.

LOL - doesn't say much for his barmaid, does it? A hug at a funeral is better than what she has on offer in the front seat of the car!

PC - it sounds as though you escaped from an awful controlling ex just like mine. It is so b*y difficult to get rid of them isnt it - like trying to get bits of dead slug off your shoe, you just keep shaking and shaking and they're still sticking there!

at your parents. just treat them like toddlers - keep repeating the boundaries patiently until they get the message. Why are some parents so quick to jump to conclusions that their children are wrong? Does your father think you went through the pain of a divorce on a whim

LOL, hadn't thought of that one, Blu! She must have been really impressive!!

Agree with you about the bits of dead slug on your shoe, NN!
You can't be totally rid because of the children, and they can still get to you a lot.

yes, I have exactly the same children problem. Haven't solved it yet. I console myself that it will only be an issue until the children are teenagers, then they can choose/travel by themselves.
One possible solution might be, to drop your children off and pick them up via a 3rd person to minimise how much your ex can get at you?

Sometimes he is fine & all is pretty amicable, but I still see his nasty side appear from time to time. My ex is very bi-polar, which used to mess with my head terribly.

Just recently he phoned my mobile while I was in the bath, and because I didn't hear it & answer it, he text me the message "I would like you to answer your f**cking phone!"

At least he is no longer living at my parents I guess!

i think dero f**king dead would have been text back from me asap PC

drop not dero sorry

did you go then or what PC ?

LOL, good reply, DDF!

Can't remember my exact reply, think it was "don't speak to me like that, I was in the bath", but not as impressive as your possible reply!!

I have kept the message on my phone, just to remind myself of his horrible side for when I have my low lonely moments.

Now do I have to answer that one, Tinkerbel??!!

I had a nice evening of peace last night, and my parents have now gone away for a few days!

If I had have gone, they would have probably encouraged me to stay overnight with him!!

god, that thing with the phone is soooo familiar. my ex doesnt text, he usually leaves nasty messages along the lines of "fk you, you fg b*ch" if I dont get to the phone in time.
I now dont answer the phone at all in the middle of the night, as he used to call then, as part of his bullying/control. He used the phone like a choke chain on a dog - he would just yank at it to make me jump.

Oh that sounds awful, NN! Is he still leaving you messages like that?

Nightynight maybe unplug the phone at night in case he calls, he sounds a right charmer

Might not be a bad idea, NN, he sounds awful.
How long ago did you separate?

or get an answer machine so he rapidly gets bored oh hearing that and being unable to afffect you nn

PC, just seen the thread title, and thought it might be you.
Glad you had a peaceful evening last night, and that you will now get a respite from the strange antics of your parents for a few days.

NN, could you change your telephone number and get someone else to be a go-between if you and your ex need to be in contact with each other?

cant change my number, he needs to be able to call when he has the children. Its like PC says, they use the children as a means to keep control. There is no go-between, my parents are as helpful as PC's, in their own way.

I did unplug the phone for a while, I hope he understands now.

use an answer machine to field any nasty calls when he doesn't have the children

Is he doing this a lot, NN?
It must be awful for you to receive these horrible calls. He sounds a nasty piece of work.

HC - I am suprised how many of you guessed this was my thread just from the title! I am obviously well known for having quite odd parents!!

I dont really want an answer machine clogged up with nasty messages though. Prefer to tell him why I am putting the phone down, and do so firmly.

PC, he does it in bursts. At the mo, he bullied me into promising to give him money last time I saw him to pick the children up. He knows I am angry about this, and am going to tell him that I have changed my mind, so he isn't phoning. I must call him and tell him, but it won't be pleasant. Cant go into details of the bullying, but it is very hard to stand up to - he is incredibly charismatic and can make you believe anything, it is not just me, other people have commented on this. The only solution is to keep away from him.

What gets you down, is the constant need to stay strong. If you let your guard down, they can get in there.
I dont know when I will get rid of him. Probably not unless he gets everything I have got plus the children. Problem is, he bullied me successfully for some years, because I thought the advantages of the children having a father outweighed the bad side. Then, similar to you by the sound of it, I got to a crisis point where his bad behaviour was impacting the children too much. But he can't accept that his reign is over as far as Im concerned - he seems to think that if he applies the same tactics, Im going to cave in and start doing everything he says again.
Will not happen!!

Sounds awful, NN! I'm sorry you are still having such a hard time with him.

I know exactually where you are coming from when you describe him as being very charismatic & that you found it hard to stand up to him, because I had similar problems with my ex. Even though I knew how he worked, he could have me believing anything, and I just couldn't stand up to him while he was in one of his rages.
My ex would change like the wind though, and could be as nice as anything a few minutes/hours/a day later, and would sometimes even apologise for his behaviour...it was at this point I could confront him.

I still worry about the effect he may have on the boys, even now we're apart, because they see him frequently & he hasn't changed.
He can be the lovliest dad, and my boys enjoy spending time with him, but he takes pride in the fact they rarely mess him about because they're scared of him. He thinks I am too soft & they should be scared of me too, but I don't want my children scared of me - I want to try to get the balance right, but it is proving very hard.

A lot of the time things are amicable between us, which is good for the boys. He can be a lovely bloke at times - but only all the time things are going just how he likes them.

When you have children with your ex, you obviously can't just scrub them from your life like you would have done with ex's in your past, and that can make life bloody difficult at times!

I still feel both my ex & my parents have a bit too much of a hold over me even now, because a part of me is scared of upsetting them.
This is why I sometimes feel I would love to run far away, but of course I can't!

You sound strong in dealing with your ex, NN - I know it is far from easy.

How long were you together?

NN can you not deal with him strictly through a third party? eg his parents or yours? He could pik kids up from there and drop them back

unfortunately not dropdead - I am not on good terms with my parents and his live in another country.

PC, at least my parents arent asking me round to dinner with ex! I see that I have something to be thankful for lol

We were together for 10 years, but the divorce was very gradual, because we jointly owned 2 houses, that for various reasons we couldnt sell immediately. Also, I didnt earn enough to afford an au pair for ages.

Its only this year that I finally got into a strong enough position to get a court order banning him from coming to our house. If he cant come into the house, he cant hit me, so I dont have to do what he says.

Your ex and mine sound as though they have a lot in common. Things arent going his way at the moment, which is why he is being so nasty.

My parents had a hold over me for a long time, but that has finally snapped.

I am worried about the effect on the children too. If I remarry, it will be someoen who can provide them with a different role model. dd1 no longer visits, because he was too violent - she came back covered in bruises, the FINAL time she visited. ds1 still wants to visit, but came back from the last visit completely believing that his father was going to kill me one day - he even offered to pay for my coffin, and said he would measure me he is 9 years old.
Fortunately, we have other relatives to speak to to reassure him, and I pointed out the reasons why I thought this wouldnt happen.

Oh Nightynight, he sounds absolutely awful & very frightening. I can't believe your poor DD came home covered in bruises, and that he was telling your DS he was going to kill you - that is just terrible!
Was he like this for most of your relationship?
I am glad you got the court order banning him from your house.

I was with my ex for 11 years in all, and now look back & feel I wasted a lot of years of my life being miserable, but I just didn't have the strength to leave any earlier, and I kept hoping things would maybe get better.

My ex H was never physically violent to me, but he could be frightening all the same when in a rage.

My situation doesn't sound as frightening as yours though. I'm so sorry to hear you & your children have been through so much.

Look after yourself won't you