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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

My mother has just invited me round to dinner with my ex!!!!

120 replies

Pinkchampagne · 17/08/2007 10:29

She has text me "Do you & ex H want to come round to dinner tomorrow night?"
How barking! What are they playing at???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Nightynight · 20/08/2007 20:55

the wasted time is frustrating, but the consolation prize is having romance/dates, which I find far more fun now I am older and more confident.
I just feel that I couldnt have managed escaping earlier, also we did have some nice times, and I did get a lot out of the relationship at first (also gave a lot). Hope you can rationalise why you didnt leave earlier, and not regret it too much.

my ex is scary, and I am scared of him, but life must go on.

Dropdeadfred · 20/08/2007 21:10

NN - you have my admiration...

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 20/08/2007 21:34

You have my admiration too, NN.

I couldn't leave before I did because I wasn't ready to take that big step. I also had many good times with my H, and I kept thinking that if I could just find a way of changing that angry side of him, then all could be just fine. I had to feel I had exhausted all other options, does that make sense?

I have only lived alone for the last 3 months, so it is all still early days, and I sometimes find it really tough on my own, but I feel I have done the right thing.

You are very strong, NN, and you have a great positive attitude. I am pleased to hear you are going out on dates, and hope you find someone who treats you in the way you deserve.

OP posts:

Nightynight · 20/08/2007 21:39

thank you both. PC, I am sure you will enjoy being on your own as the lovely freedom sinks in.
I felt I had to exhaust every possibility as well. Now Im just in that band of MN'ers who say "he's not going to change, just divorce now!"

tigermoth · 21/08/2007 08:00

NN, hope you don't mind me reviving this, but I'm glad to see you are getting in a stronger position.

Is it absolutely necessary your ex still has your children to stay? Would life be better if this arrangement was not in force and you did not have to meet him? Or could he see them under supervision in a halfway house, through a third party? If you had no enforced contact with him via the children his bullying hold over you would reduce still further and you wouldn't have to listen to his demands for money. He could still phone and write to the children. When your children are a little older (and it's not so long in the grand scheme of things) they can decide for themselves if they want to see him. Is this a practical possiblity or have you tried to stop face to face contact but realised it won't work?

Nightynight · 21/08/2007 22:06

Hello Tigermoth!
he wouldnt agree to any arrangement via 3rd party - the only arrangements he likes are ones where he calls all the shots. I have stopped dd1 from going there, but the boys still say they want to, and seem to be in 2 minds. I am not sure how to handle the inevitable handover in the future - I have just had a nightmare one, an hour of shouting, threats of violence, attacking dd1, etc, all in the middle of the village in fr, with men looking on and laughing. Nobody called the police, as they would have done in uk or de. I am still mulling over how to avoid this in future. I dont know anyone who could come with (he is so horrid that I dont want to ask friends anyway!) I have even considered hiring a bodyguard for the day - thats how desparate I am!

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 21/08/2007 22:15

I can't believe people were laughing & not helping you & your children while your ex was being threatening & nasty - that is disgusting!

It sounds very difficult for you NN. Do you still see a solicitor?

OP posts:

tigermoth · 22/08/2007 07:40

I can totalally see why you're considering hiring a bodyguard. I think it's a good idea! Security guard companies must hire out their staff for one off occasions. I guess crunch time will come if your boys decide they don't want to stay with your ex. If none of your children want to visit him, you or someone will have the unenviable task of telling him this.

I am sad no one stood up for you at the last handover. Would it be any good considering a handover venue where it's more likely passers by will intervene? ie outside a church when a Sunday service is just finishing and the congregation are milling around outside, or outside the A and E department of a hospital?

FioFio · 22/08/2007 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 09:19

NN - that is disgusting. You need to see a solicitor again. Are you sure that your boys visiting this man is a wise choice and one that they are old enough to make for themselves?

Next time call the police the minute he starts getting abusive....

Nightynight · 22/08/2007 17:09

ddf, if I pulled out my phone, he would have hit me. And he would have got away with it, as I very much doubt any witnesses would have given evidence, and the french police dont take dv seriously. It is borderline whether the children are better off seeing him or in the middle of a fullblown parental fight for them.

I am mulling the possibilities over.
At the railway station was a total disaster - he cornered me out of sight of witnesses, and spat in my face, and refused to give back 2 of the children.
He can simply not turn up, if the meeting place is far from his home.

oh well, hopefully no more handovers for a while.
PC - I was furious.

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 17:15

Nightynight - please don't meet him again...! He sounds awful...and i can't help but dread what contact with a man like this could do to your ds's.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/08/2007 17:20

What a nasty piece of work - he sounds vile!
I feel very angry and sad for you.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 22/08/2007 17:28

Nighty night if you do have to do this insist it is infront of a police station. Otherwise just don't do it, you can't subject yourself to such abuse

Nightynight · 22/08/2007 19:45

I cant insist on anything, he would simply refuse. It would be very easy to put a foot wrong by refusing access, eg I still have a court paper saying he should have regular contact. Many poeple would instantly assume that he was a poor wronged father denied access by a bitch wife just because he turned up 5 minutes late for a meeting.

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 19:55

Then do you not have anyone who could 'persuade' him that being voilent to you is not a good idea?

tigermoth · 22/08/2007 21:20

NN the more you write about this, the more I can see why you are thinking about hiring someone else to be there with you. It's a great pity that you cannot have some say as to where you do the handover.

Have you thought of secretly taping the handover as evidence of your ex's behaviour?

Dropdeadfred · 22/08/2007 21:23

Just get someone else to take the kids to him - if he doesn't like it tough - you won't have broken your access agreement.

Nightynight · 22/08/2007 21:59

I dont have anyone at the mo, unless I hire them by the hour! I need to get recording equipment sorted out though. Also for the telephone. Keep meaning to get round to it.

Dropdeadfred · 23/08/2007 10:01

Then hire someone by the hour if you can afford it. You won't need to hire a bodyguard if you don't ever see him.

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