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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Has anyone ever been successful with getting consent for a child's surname change?

78 replies

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 10:35

Has any one managed to do this?

I wont go into great detail as I have posted on here a few times before about my situation. My son’s Dad has had no contact for 4 years. DS is 5. He pays maintenance via a DoE however it goes unpaid more than it is paid.

My son is known by my surname, and he chooses this. He hasn’t ever know a different name which I felt was right as there has been no involvement with his Dad's side of the family. Me and my son have discussed his different name which he gets upset that he doesn’t want to have a different name to me, and this his name is .......... and he doesn't want a different one.

As his passport is due for renewal I bit the bullet and I contacted his dad via email. After 3 attempts, he finally responded when I contacted him on his work email to say he will give me a response within the day. Nearly a week later I chased him today to get a response ‘I haven’t forgotton about this. I am giving it some thought. You can expect my response within the following week’.

How would you take this? Will he come back with terms do you think? I don’t understand what there is to think about. He has had zero contact with him in 4 years and has made no attempt to have a relationship with him. I am just trying to do what is in my son’s best interests and make his life easier. I am not asking for him to have his PR removed, just to honour his son’s wishes to be legally known by my name and make it easier for him when we travel. Failing his consent to his name change I have requested a letter of permission for him to travel. Something he also wishes to think about.

Maybe I am being abit sensitive but I don’t understand what there can be to think about. I am not stopping any relationship. He has just chosen to not have one. It's also made me feel sick. This is a man who revelled in controlling me. I just feel like ive handed him control again despite his long absense.

TIA x

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PumpkinP · 07/10/2019 11:04

I posted on your last thread. I’m sorry op but sounds like he is game playing and has no intention of agreeing but just wants to keep you dangling.

PumpkinP · 07/10/2019 11:05

Might be a good idea to post in legal matters aswell

frazzledasarock · 07/10/2019 11:07

If I were you I’d get advice from a solicitor.

Sorry you’re going thro this. How old is your son?

BertieBotts · 07/10/2019 11:09

My ex refuses to agree. He hasn't seen DS in 9 years, it's a piss take.

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 11:15

His 5 and gets really upset when i talk about he birth name.

I actually feel sick and really upset. Ive just cried in work if he forces me to stop my son being known as my surname, which my son is adament is his name :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 11:17

I dont actually care if he refuses, but please do not force a 5 year old boy with no relationship to start using a different name, just because you made it out of bed to the registry office. It's cruel

OP posts:

TemporaryPermanent · 07/10/2019 11:19

Get legal advice. Try Citizens advice if you have no funds or start saving - I'm sure a solicitor would give you a quote for this.

In front of your son, be practical. As soon as hes an adult he can choose or change his name. That's the worst case scenario.

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 11:23

i have no money. I am still paying all his debts back. I have got quotes and I am looking at nearly £300 an hour.
One solicitor advised against a court order as he has been absent so long.

I honestly wish I had never asked him. Ive handed him back control and I am sat here panicking what he could possibly come back with

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 07/10/2019 11:35

I honestly wish I had never asked him. Ive handed him back control and I am sat here panicking what he could possibly come back with

He must be loving the power he feels he has again.

Personally, I would take it away from him by not following up with him or asking him for anything else. Just drop it now and get on with your life with your DS.

Of course it depends how much you want/need to travel, though - as you say, it's going to be a lot easier with a letter from him, which is essential in some countries.

I had to accept that there are certain countries I can't take my DC to until they're a little older (they're teens now so we're nearly there) - that sacrifice was worth it for not having to beg my controlling arsehole exH to let us go on holiday.

OneThreadOnly0101 · 07/10/2019 11:36

I would forget the name thing. Just call your son what he prefers to be called. Explain that on his passport it has to say his birth name until he is old enough to change it.

If you get a residency order in your favour, then you as the main carer won't need permission for travel periods of 90 days (?) and under. I'm pretty sure you can do the court application yourself and self-represent for a couple of hundred pounds.

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 11:39

I am honestly so upset. I have travelled with him before and always been questioned bar the most recent holiday. Its just now my son is very vocal about his name it got me thinking.

Its the worry of what he comes back with. Surely I cant ignore that if he asks me to give up claim for maintenance/tells me he must be known by his birth name/or demands contact. The latter would shock me as it would have taken my email for consent for him to discuss contact.

My mind is going mad. Why did i contact him :-(

OP posts:

OneThreadOnly0101 · 07/10/2019 12:04

To be honest, I think you're catastrophising.
It's understandable, but I think unnecessary.

Don't contact him any more. Hopefully he won't get back to you.

Your child can't be compelled to use a name. Obviously on official documents he will need to use his birth name, but he can call himself what he likes to the general public. When he is older, he can change it.

You are entitled to child maintenance, why would you give it up? It's not up for discussion, just do everything through CMS. "I will continue to claim what our son is entitled to".

If he hasn't been interested in contact, chances are he isn't now. He can go to court if he is determined but chances are he won't bother. Don't let him get inside your head.

Again, a residence order in your favour will remove the need for permission to travel so do consider it unless there is a reason not to.

Have you tried calling here for advice?

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 12:45

Yes you are probably right. I am so sensitive when it comes to my child.

Thank you for bringing me back to reality. I genuinely hope he doesn't respond, unless of course it is to consent.

Maintenance isn't up for discussion, that is my child's right, and the pittance he gets does no where near cover the costs of raising him even a quarter each month anyway. And if he does seek contact then it will have to be through courts. This is not to make his life hard for him, but being absent the majority of his sons life, no contact at all, I dont trust he will be consistent, and that is something I have worked hard at giving my son.

Someone told me earlier that as he is listed on the BC and has the same surname he can force my DS to stop using his known as name and use his birth name. This upset me as I am too named as Mom of the BC. Though I do not have a residency order, I am the resident parent. I am the only parent he knows. So why could he all of a sudden demand he use his birth name. I am not just saying this, but that will break my sons heart.

Thank you all again for your replies.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 07/10/2019 12:46

Surely I cant ignore that if he asks me to give up claim for maintenance/tells me he must be known by his birth name/or demands contact.

Of course you can ignore it if he asks you to give up your DS's claim for maintenance! It's your DS's entitlement so don't agree to change that.

He can stop you legally changing DS's name if he has PR, but he can't force you use the legal name in every day life. The fact your DS has been known by a different name all his life and wants to continue to be known by this name is strong evidence that it's in his interests to keep using the name. Obviously the longer he continues to use your surname, the more likely a court would be to determine that it's in DS's best interests to change it legally (if you ever went down the court route to get it changed).

He might demand contact and you would have to deal with that, either between yourselves or through mediation/courts depending on the situation.

Don't let him tie maintenance, consent for other things and/or contact together to come up with a 'deal', OP - they're three separate issues and I suggest you read up on your rights/responsibilities about each of them so you will be prepared for whatever he comes back with (if anything). And don't agree to anything straight away - he's had time to think (and probably check the law) and you're entitled to think about things before agreeing to them too.

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 13:30

Yes you are absolutely right. Thank you again for all the responses. I will keep you posted on the outcome, even if he doesn't respond at all

OP posts:

FrangipaniBlue · 07/10/2019 16:59

@SpideyMom I have a friend who was in a very similar situation to you.

She did a lot of research (and I mean over several months, not just a quick google search) and also sought legal advice and discovered that actually, there is a way around it.

She was able to change her sons surname by deed poll to hers, which meant she was able to enrol him in school, open a bank account and officially use that name on everything.

The only thing she cannot do is get a passport using her surname until her son is 16, but then he can apply for his own adult passport and use his deed poll certificate as proof of name change from that which is on his birth certificate.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/10/2019 17:00

I should have said, she didn't need permission from her ex to change her sons name by deed poll.

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 19:55

@FrangipaniBlue to be honest I'd be happy to live that way. I am certain he will change his name anyway when his older. He even said tonight he doesn't want to see his dad because he hasn't been around for his life. All my friends cannot believe his taking time to think as its either a yes or no. Knowing him it's probably to see if he still has to pay maintenance if the name is changed. Money always came before his sons best interests

OP posts:

trevthecat · 07/10/2019 20:02

My sister changed her kids names without his consent. She applied to deed poll with a covering letter saying how dad had no contact, already known by her surname etc and it was granted. Good luck

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 20:20

Thanks. It's the passport. They told me that if I got it changed without his consent or court order then they wouldn't issue a passport at all until it was changed back. Hence why I contacted him for either his consent or ongoing permission to take him away as I am sick of being told 'well actually you are committing a criminal offence by taking him out the country without his dad's permission'. It makes me livid that an absent parent can have such a say.

I'm sorry about earlier. I cried more out of anger. Deep down I knew exactly how he would be if he responded. The way he writes makes me cringe. He comes across so intelligent and a wonderful person, he isn't stupid but I know the different side to him and to be honest he hasn't changed. His still a selfish manipulative controlling twat.

He never saw his son or how his behaviour would affect him. It was always how he could cause the most damage to me

OP posts:

PhillliPhillli · 07/10/2019 20:24

I got my ex to agree to double barrelling the name

Courts won’t usually agree to a full on name change

Discombobulated47 · 07/10/2019 20:28

I did this with my son about 20 years ago, but the birth father did not have parental responsibility. The circumstances were very similar to yours.

millimollimandi · 07/10/2019 20:33

This is a bit weird. I changed my son's name by deed poll and I didn't get his fathers permission - he was named on his BC but had been NC for years. It was done by a solicitor and they never asked for any proof of acceptance?

Original poster

SpideyMom · 07/10/2019 20:54

Passport won't accept without his permission or a court order.

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 07/10/2019 23:28

It’s not the deed
Poll that won’t accept it it’s the passport office that won’t, the op is 100% correct on that as I had the same issue myself and was told the same thing by a solicitor

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