Has anyone ever been successful with getting consent for a child's surname change?

[SpideyMom]

Hi

Has any one managed to do this?

I wont go into great detail as I have posted on here a few times before about my situation. My son’s Dad has had no contact for 4 years. DS is 5. He pays maintenance via a DoE however it goes unpaid more than it is paid.

My son is known by my surname, and he chooses this. He hasn’t ever know a different name which I felt was right as there has been no involvement with his Dad's side of the family. Me and my son have discussed his different name which he gets upset that he doesn’t want to have a different name to me, and this his name is .......... and he doesn't want a different one.

As his passport is due for renewal I bit the bullet and I contacted his dad via email. After 3 attempts, he finally responded when I contacted him on his work email to say he will give me a response within the day. Nearly a week later I chased him today to get a response ‘I haven’t forgotton about this. I am giving it some thought. You can expect my response within the following week’.

How would you take this? Will he come back with terms do you think? I don’t understand what there is to think about. He has had zero contact with him in 4 years and has made no attempt to have a relationship with him. I am just trying to do what is in my son’s best interests and make his life easier. I am not asking for him to have his PR removed, just to honour his son’s wishes to be legally known by my name and make it easier for him when we travel. Failing his consent to his name change I have requested a letter of permission for him to travel. Something he also wishes to think about.

Maybe I am being abit sensitive but I don’t understand what there can be to think about. I am not stopping any relationship. He has just chosen to not have one. It's also made me feel sick. This is a man who revelled in controlling me. I just feel like ive handed him control again despite his long absense.

TIA x

Typical deadbeat father who is still in control all because he is on the birth certificate and has PR . I will never understand how a man who takes nothing to do with their child gets a say in wether you can travel with him or not etc. With regards to the name change it sounds like he's just leaving you hanging. I doubt he will agree to it. Seek legal advice

Why do you need to discuss the name in the passport with your son? If it’s just on his passport and your son asks about it, why don’t you just say that this your official name and leave it at that. I’m not sure why this is a big deal.

The international travel permission issue is more concerning.

I posted a while ago about the risk of being refused travel when we go abroad, as when asked his name he gives his full name, which wont be the same as on his passport. And without consent from his Dad, how would passport control react, would the stop him from travelling etc? which would absolutely devastate my boy. That is the only reason I contacted his Dad, as I wanted to make my son's life easier, and legally make him the name he uses everyday.

But I also hate the fact that I have to worry about taking my son on a family holiday all because his dad hasn't given his permission. And it annoys me even more that we could be restricted travel internationally because of it. It really is laughable and I really cannot believe there hasn't been a law introduced regarding absent parents. Using maintenance as a link is bollocks. My son has NO IDEA he occassionally gets paid maintenance, and it isn't even like its paid willingly, it had to be forced from his wages. Surely actual contact is what should be taken into account.

I feel he is definitely seeking some form of advice but i'd be amazed at him paying for legal advice. After an absence of 4 years it would amaze me him wanting contact, and if so (and forgive me if this makes me sound horrible) it will have to be done legally and officially as I have zero trust for the man. When he made his decision all them years ago he said he was choosing his gf over his child, and with no contact since, I just cannot throw my son into things like that. His decision will be based on how a name change will change him having to pay maintenance.

With the international travel, can you get this residency order to help?

I bet there's a deadbeatdadsnet somewhere with him asking "AIBU to think I should stop paying maintenance if I agree to my psycho ex changing my son's name".

a few years ago, I was told by a Solicitor that she wouldn't advise getting any sort of order as he was already totally absent from DS life.
She had only read his emails and messages and already saw through him. Her words were 'why would you want to bring a man like that back into your lives'.

She also said no judge in the land would deprive a child of a holiday so not to worry. I know legally he would have to stop me by getting an order, but its at the airport that's the worry. Especially now he also needs to think about giving my his permission to travel. What the actual f*! That is a vile, nasty, controlling man stopping a child from seeing the world, when all he has to say is 'I have no objection to (son's name) travelling with his Mom (my name)

@drspouse that made me laugh.

He is extremely clever with the way he goes about things. To the world the sun shines out his ass, he was the one done wrong by me, I was the one who stopped all his contact etc, all couldn't be further from the truth.

I have just started a thread in AIBU to ask what they talk about on deadbeatdadsnet
(And slummymumsnet for good measure).

It doesn't have to be this upsetting. Your son doesn't need to know all of ins and outs of this. Ask his school and everyone who knows him to call him by his chosen surname.

If you book holidays you will have to do that in his 'official' name to ensure it matches his passport but he doest need to know that at age 5!!

When he is 16 he can change his name by deed poll without the need for anyone's permission. It's very simply done online and costs about £15

We do all that any way, but should we ever be refused travel, that would be upsetting for my DS.

The maintenance, contact and name change are all separate issues. A court would look at what's best for the child on the last two and maintenance obviously needs to be paid.

When he made his decision all them years ago he said he was choosing his gf over his child

Be prepared for the fact that people change and sometimes all it takes is a comment on a TV show about an absent father, a change in his relationship with his own parents, a new girlfriend or similar for an absent parent to change his tune and assert his parenting rights.

My exH didn't pay maintenance for years, until he got a new gf who was also a single parent who moaned about what a deadbeat her exH was in not paying maintenance. Now he pays on time every week.

And on the name issue, sorry to rub this in, but your exP probably had never even thought about your DS's name until you mentioned it to him. In thinking about whether he's happy for his son to have a different name, it may well have got him thinking about what it means to him to have a son. It might not change his mind about contact at all, but the idea of his son not having his name might have bothered him more than he thought it would (perhaps if only to be able to track him down easier in the future if he ever does want a relationship).

Understood.

But there's a lot of ifs and maybes there that are causing both of you unnecessary stress and upset.

He also has a new son, who is 3 now. He was born in the same month as his son with me. I would have thought that would have got him thinking about his other kids and wanting relationships with them. I should probably mention, he has 4 children, 3 he doesn't see and has made no attempt to. He is still with the woman he chose 4 years ago, but he has really fell on his feet shall we say, loads of holidays, weekend breaks, days and nights out all with her family, I cant see him wanting to jeprodise how good he has it by bringing his other children into his life

I’m always amazed by the fact that some women are happy to be in relationships with deadbeat fathers that make no attempt to have a relationship with their children. My time on mumsnet has certainly meant that I would view any stories about “psycho ex” with deep suspicion.

I applied to court for a surname change and was granted it. The only catch was that dd has his surname as an extra middle name (the judge suggested this). However, my ex was a spectacularly vile specimen of a human being and I had lots of evidence as to why her surname should be changed.

I applied to court for a surname change and was granted it. The only catch was that dd has his surname as an extra middle name (the judge suggested this). However, my ex was a spectacularly vile specimen of a human being and I had lots of evidence as to why her surname should be changed.

I bet that was a relief.

Regarding the comment about being amazed how some women are happy to be in a relationship with a deadbeat dad, in my case I had no idea, until well into the relationship. When I found out I always encouraged contact but I then learnt the truth when I fell pregnant myself

Yes sorry SpideyMom I should have clarified my comment wasn’t aimed at you, more at the new girlfriend! I’m sorry you and your son have got the stress of all of this

I'm still a little worried why he has needed so much time. If he does get back to me next week he would of had 2 weeks. I went into things so naively. I think because he has made no attempt with his son for so long I was expecting a simple yes or no, or no a response at all

Sorry, my posts keep posting multiple times. He's had his warning. He's clearly still trying to exercise some control. I would make the application to court.

Oh and like you, I had no idea of the extent of my ex's behaviour, addictions and violence until I became pregnant... more fool me, eh?

To be honest he was never a man to get pregnant by, but by that time I was already so controlled and manipulated by him. I felt so besotted I believed everything was my fault. I was treated appalling before I got pregnant but after I fell pregnant it all came out and I saw who he really was. Weirdly though I don't regret him as I have my amazing little boy and ive also come out the other side so much stronger. But anything to do with my child I tend to be sensitive about. Especially having an attached to a man who has no fucking contact by his OWN choice

Hiya

Just an update, no response.

I chased him last Monday asking for his response which he promised me within 24 hours. He responded within minutes that I should expect his reply within the week. Its been over a week so I have chased again and now he is ignoring me.

I am a mixture of sad but mostly fuming. The name change aside, he could still give me permission as in a few years time I really want to take my DS to America which I have heard is alot stricter. I simply cannot understand why he would not give permission for him the visit other countries. It isn't like I am asking him to fund them etc.

Deep down I am really sad that even when having contact regarding the child we share he is STILL acting like this. Conversation is kept only about our child, why cant he respond? Why would he want to put him in a position to potentially be turned away at the airport because he doesn't have his permission? This is where the law is fucked. He has PR but look at what he thinks of it. Biggest mistake ever was putting him on the BC

You do need an residency order Op. I cant not for a second believe that a solicitor would advise otherwise.....if you are hot by a car and killed later, who would get custody of your son? His Dad would, and social services would push for it.

My abusive ex ( father of my eldest two) and I seperated and within 2 years I was in a wonderful new relationship. My ex on the other hand was doing a brief stint in prison. We went to see about getting the kids names changed to my husbands after we got married. The father said no. We went to court. His own solicitor told him it was in the kids best interest to change their name so they would not be linked to him. Then the judge said that my husband and I should have a residency order so that my children would remain with him should I be in hospital (or worse). It very likely won't happen but if this man took your child from school, the police would do nothing. But if you have a residency order, they have to return the child to you and you get to take him abroad whenever you like without his dads permission.