Professional Single Parents

[TeachesOfPeaches]

I'm a single full time working mother of one 3 year old in London. As my career is progressing I realise I don't know any parents like myself and I would really like to discuss how others manage childcare, travelling for work, getting a mortgage on your own, tax free childcare etc and I have nobody to discuss this with.

Anyone out there in a similar situation?

@Firgoodnesssake @ZillaPilla Welcome Welcome !

justresting I'm in Bedford so not far away from you.

I try to think about the positive messaging for my DS, that he has a mummy who goes out to work and looks after him and brings home the money. I want him to understand that women are capable and are to be respected (something which his father doesn't seem to see ).

I'm a LP to ds6. I work 30 hours a week officially but unofficially it's probably more like 45 but working "pt" means I get my weekends work free. I'm in a profession with a reputation for long hours. I'd probably be doing 55 hours if not on "pt."

Can't progress any further because I can't do the away trips, dinners etc. I'm very lucky dm helps me a lot (for an 82 yr old). I am absolutely shattered tho after doing all this on my own for 6 1/2 years.

Met my lovely dp 6 months ago & now struggling with integrating ds & dp a little bit. They both seem fine with it so far tho. I've seen it done badly in the past & also I feel terribly guilty leaving ds so that I can spend time with dp. Ds is absolutely fine with dm as it goes and likes dp.

I just feel guilty all the blooming time. That I can't do the extras at work, that I am tired in the evenings etc.

@SusieSusieSoo Welcome!

It's interesting reading the experiences of the single mums. As a single dad, the experiences are a bit different - nobody assumes I'm living off benefits, for example. But I do get things like:

• the female doctor who, when my daugter needed a minor procedure, literally reached across me to say "and I just need Mum's consent..."
• the acquaintance who bumped into me in the local supermarket as I tried to juggle the painkillers and prescription for an unwell daughter in one hand, and an urgent work call in the other, and then asked why don't I "send her home to her mother" to be looked after. Um...she is home, thanks. And I'm parenting. This is what it looks like!
• the endless parade of women telling me that 50/50 is never in the kids' best interests, because "they need their mum"
• the weird looks when I sort out first bras for my daughter, because surely that's what a mum does?
• the person who decided to announce that I was a "Disney Dad" because of the amount of holidays, days out, and adventures I have with the girls. Ignoring the hours spent helping wih homework, doing the day to day hard graft, and the emotional support of helping the girls deal with their mum's latest erratic behaviour (she has a few mental health issues, and she & my eldest particularly don't get on that well).

There are quite a lot of people out there who seem unable to grasp that a dad could juggle both being a senior professional and being an involved, hands on father. Sadly, I do get that attitude mainly from women - men seem more accepting of it. My boss, for example, is a bloke, but couldn't be more supportive when I need flexibility to deal with a domestic situation.

Still, I wouldn't change it for the world! We're a tight little team, and there are far more people who 'get it' and are supportice, than those who don't 🙂

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I was going to say there's another dad in this thread but it's you!

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad it's odd the assumptions people make, isnt it.

It assumed I must get loads of £££ off exh. He is self employed and officially earns practically nothing.

People assume like must be easy, or say 'cant your parents have him'. I am usually quite blunt 'no, I dont speak to my parents anymore as they were abusive'.

Its is odd, how women seem to have so much to say (generally, not always) but men dont seen to care either way

I think, to be honest, it's exactly the same casual sexism and ingrained assumptions about gender roles that drives the experience of both single mums and single dads. The same flawed view that a woman couldn't possibly be a successful, independent professional as well as a mum, also concludes that a single dad couldn't possibly be a decent father while also holding down a career. But, screw it! We'll just keep doing our thing 🙂

Nice to know that there are others out there where the most exciting thing that will be happening this evening is finding something new to watch on Netflix as you sit alone on the sofa with DC asleep. Mine is sleeping on the couch next to me.

I am laid in bed watching love island!

But, screw it! We'll just keep doing our thing

Yes we will!!!!

Well I'm in bed playing candy crush. Alarm goes off at 6am ready to do it all again.....

Ah well, at least it's all on my terms.

Morning! Has anyone ever been on a single parent group holiday? I've seen CampMates on fb which is camping in the New Forest (not sure about camping and don't drive) and another I've seen is called Mango but the holidays cost about £5k - £7k, they do go to quite glamorous far flung places though.

Me! I have been going with an Irish group for about 6 years now. I bring the boys away twice a year with them and have done a few Ireland weekends too. It is great because you have someone to have a glass of wine with over a meal and the kids generally get along - a case of having to rather than wanting to - but you can also do your own thing day to day and not feel like you HAVE to stick with the group! The hols are very reasonable thankfully which is how we have afforded so many!

@Whoseagooddoggiethen oh wow! Which group do you go with and what type of holidays are they,

It is a group called one parent family holidays (.ie) and she does anything from spain to hols in the UK (we have done harry potter and legoland with her in recent years) and they do 'fun' ones like eurodisney etc Here is the link because she only books accomodation and transfers, you book your own flights so be easy to do from the UK! www.oneparentholidays.ie/ireland/

Thank you! Will definitely take a look. I always have a look at these types of things and then get a bit nervous and don't do anything about it

singlewithkids.co.uk

Not now but 15 years ago.

Single (no dad) mum with toddler.

Worked 9-5 with commute that could be an hour in bad traffic so Dc was in nursery 8-6. Only time off was lunch hour and flex time and annual leave (id still take him to nursery).

I got ill more than I should have because I was worn down from no respite. At times no free babysitting/ breaks/ family support.

Found another single mum and did baby sitting swaps for the odd night out for friends birthdays.

It was quite a lonely time but I remember it as happy.

@3xcookedchips thanks for the link

@Verily1 thank you, did it all work out in the end?

Single mum with a 3 and 5 year old. Work full time for a big corporate and have a long commute of over an hour either way (live just outside London).

It’s kind of ok...as long as nothing goes wrong! So as long as no one gets sick, it doesn’t snow, the trains aren’t delayed, school doesn’t decide to have a half day etc. We’re such a finely tuned machine!

It is pretty relentless and lonely though. The kids never stay overnight with their dad so it’s 6am every morning, 365 days a year. It gets tiring.

I try not to talk about it too much at work because as much as people say they’re supportive of these things I think people do put limitations on you because of your situation and I want to progress to a senior position...largely to keep us safe. I feel terribly exposed (financially and in other respects) to my pretty abusive ex and I need more money and a good position to make us all safe and secure. It really drives me, so that’s one plus I suppose!

@ChloeR81 Welcome! I also have my son 365 days per year and do bite my tongue when someone complains they had to wake up early (before 10am) on a Sunday

This is the first time I have ever felt compelled to write (usually just lurk and read!). My experience is the same as ChloeR81. Single parenthood has made me more ambitious and focused because I feel the pressure to become and stay financially stable. I moved out of London (and now commute daily an hour each way) in order to afford my mortgage, childcare, etc. My husband died when my ds10 was a toddler, so no CS or days off. I am in a professional job known for extremely long hours. Best advice I ever received was to only ever use an excuse non-child related at work. I am never late because my child was ill; I am sometimes late because I had to scrape ice off the car😉 I find that the higher I climb up the ladder, the more flexibility I have to spend time with DS when needed. “Leaning in, crappy though it is, has helped me in this way. But, and it is a big but, I know nobody in my situation, cannot relate to many, and feel a cold wind blowing through whenever I attend anything at DS’s school, almost as though my success makes less in comparison, which is ridiculous but I feel it acutely.

Lone parent with a four year old in a professional career, SE London.

Luckily nursery is a twenty minute walk and work is a very short tube ride, so I can collect him at around 5pm each day, I also only work four days a week.

It’s a bit shit, but it will get easier (I hope!).