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354 replies

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 08:36

I'm a single full time working mother of one 3 year old in London. As my career is progressing I realise I don't know any parents like myself and I would really like to discuss how others manage childcare, travelling for work, getting a mortgage on your own, tax free childcare etc and I have nobody to discuss this with.

Anyone out there in a similar situation?

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TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 12:24

@silvercuckoo that is outrageous!! I hope you corrected her? A former (very well off) colleague of mine complained to me that his SAHM wanted to put their child in nursery for an afternoon a week and it was going to cost £200 per month!! At that point I was paying around £350 per week for childcare as my son was a baby.

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TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 12:28

@Toomanycats99 Welcome! Don't worry about dating for now, focus on your and your child. I've been asked about dating almost since day 1 of being single. It seems most people can't fathom that a woman can cope and might even enjoy being alone !

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Toomanycats99 · 18/07/2019 12:42

Believe me having put up with my husband for so long I have no desire to get involved with anyone! I am quite happy by myself. Ex however rushed straight into another relationship!

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 12:53

I'm not surprised! You see it all the time on MN, families 'blending' with several children under 5 years old involved.

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silvercuckoo · 18/07/2019 13:29

@TeachesOfPeaches
I choose consciously not to engage in discussions like this, but I still cannot understand the attitude and don't know how to navigate it.
There are lots of single mothers where I am originally from, but they are treated with understanding and certain respect.
Here in the UK, it seems like you are fair game for some sort of an immediate public audit once you admit to being a single mother.

Had all of the below - from random acquaintances, neighbours, colleagues etc:

Do my children have the same father? (implying that I have had unprotected sex with another man while married and 2 months post partum).

Was I married to the children's father then? Like REALLY REALLY married, officially, you know? (makes this weird gesture of repeatedly putting an invisible ring on their finger, looks really creepy)

Do I live in social housing? Oh reeeeaaaallllyyyyy, how interesting, so did you then get your ex's house after divorce?

What do you mean you work full time? As a volunteer, right?

Are you planning to go to college and get a degree now that your children are school age? (flattering, but I already have a doctorate and a professional chartered status)

Oh so you have a new man then / how do you handle dating / etc.

Villanellesproudmum · 18/07/2019 13:36

@silver oh wow you was very restrained, my sarcasm would have been on full volume Grin

Villanellesproudmum · 18/07/2019 13:41

My parents will also bad mouth single parents and I’ll cough loudly and they’ll say I don’t mean you, even with seeing me do more with my life several times overs than them, earn more than them combined, I pay more tax a year than one of them earns in a year, they still put “single parents” in the prejudice filing box.

Whoseagooddoggiethen · 18/07/2019 13:48

Here in Ireland my own mother still refers to single mums as unmarried mothers. Drives me scatty.

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 14:13

New colleague: yes my SIL was basically a single mum as her DH worked away a lot in the oil and gas industry

Had to stop myself from saying 'oh she paid all the bills as well then??' Grin

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DropOfffArtiste · 18/07/2019 14:26

I know a number of single mums and they tell me that they work extra hard to "cover" for the fact at work. They have to be seen never to have childcare issues, never to take time off work etc.

I was recently nominated for an award at work. The "prize" is a two week trip, no children allowed, no alternative available so my nomination had to be withdrawn.

DropOfffArtiste · 18/07/2019 14:29

www.gingerbread.org.uk/community/single-parent-groups/groups/city-london-gingerbread-friendship-group/

Here's the link to the group I mentioned

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 15:05

Thank you, I'll take a look!

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Pez82 · 18/07/2019 15:33

Thanks @DropOfffArtiste I'll have a look too

And thanks OP for setting up this thread too, I'm a lone parent by choice (conceived via donor) and it's great to read how other lone parents manage a busy job, makes me feel less lonely 😁

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 15:42

@Pez82 I'm not normally on MN all day but my whole team are away on an offsite and I'm working from home (which I don't really enjoy). Glad to be of assistance!

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Mintjulia · 18/07/2019 15:49

I was managing a global reseller channel for an IT company. I moved to run a UK reseller’s marketing but they developed a nasty tactic of requiring all staff to attend an 8.30 team briefing so excluding anyone who had to do a school run. They REALLY didn’t like working mums. It was stress-central.

Now I work for a lovely small specialist IT co. who couldn’t care less who I am as long as I hit my deadlines. Smile Child with flu -no problem - just work from home & dial in.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 18/07/2019 15:54

Personally I have found, the list judgemental people to be women, some who were single mums.

The senior manager I mentioned before that got paid well, had huge maitence and free unlimited childcare told me I could work from home when ds wasnt able to go to school.

My senior manager said it was ok, because he wasnt sick, he had damaged his elbow and was keeping him off a few days. My manager told me if I felt I couldnt work and look after him, to let him know and he would do it as annual leave. I did more work at home, because I felt I had to prove I was working. Ds was fine sat on the sofa watching TV.

I ended up pointing out the a male senior manager worked from home alot, even though his wife was a sahm, when his kids were sick and that everyone complained they couldnt contact him. And another manager of my level (again male) worked from home during school holidays when his wife was at work, in sole charge if the kids

I suggested that might be sexism. So she let that go. They later told me I could go for promotion because a single parents could commit. I actually could because it offered more flexibility, I would have been running my own diary. In the end I went off sick with anxiety, because she was at me all the time and questioning my ability to do my role 'with so much responsibility at home' my manager loves me and happy with my work.

I am currently going through the grievance process, with his full support.

I help out at DP nieces sports club, fundraise with dps sister (who is also my best friend) trained in first aid, organise matches etc. Lots of women there didnt like me for job real reason. Until it came out that my best friend was also my boyfriends sister the minute they realised I wasnt single, I was ok to talk to. Didny matter that I was devoting g a lot of time to helping out. My relationship status seemed to dictate wether people would speak to me alot.

I do feel very judged. But I feel even worse that's usually by women.

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 16:09

@Mintjulia My last boss was an absolute witch and was furious I had to look after my son when he had chicken pox, she had a no working from home policy so I had no choice.

When I got back to the office she started telling me about when her children had chicken pox and the conversation began - 'the nanny did...' Hmm

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MissB83 · 18/07/2019 17:05

Yes thanks OP for setting up the thread, whilst I'm very respectful of the struggles that many single mums seem to face I can't completely identify with them so it's nice to see posts from those who have had similar experiences.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 18/07/2019 17:17

Hello my people!!!!!!!
I’m a single mum to two children, 3 and 5 and have been single for two years.

I am close to Cambridge and commute one day a week to the City and work from home the other four. I’m part of a global team and nobody cares where I turn up to work.

But work travel kills me. I have no family here (not from the UK). The nanny (she is part time) stays over and does sound the clock care when I travel. I generally come home to very clingy children. I fond work travel really stressful - cleaning the house before I go, and often slipping off at 3am to reduce the “away time” and arriving home on last flights rather than staying over and making my way home the next day.

It’s hard going but I’m managing it!

Cheers to you all!

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 17:34

@justrestinginmybankaccount Welcome to you!

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TeachesOfPeaches · 18/07/2019 17:47

Is there a way I can show you all off to the rest of MN that think we're the feckless underclass?Grin

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mindproject · 18/07/2019 18:05

I'm not exactly a professional because I don't earn much, but I am a single working mum who doesn't claim any benefits or receive any maintenance. I am a graduate, I've just never been able to earn much or found my niche. I work 30 hours a week.

I've been a single parent for 12 years and as DD is now just about to become a teenager childcare is beginning to get much easier as she can look after herself quite a bit.

I have always hated the stigma and unfairness of being a single parent. I've never had any support from anyone. I'm a responsible parent, working hard and doing the right thing, but that's not enough it seems; in the eyes of a lot of people anyway. Most of the other aspects of being a single parent I enjoy. Societal views and the media seem to be the main problem.

Firgoodnesssake · 18/07/2019 18:14

I’m a single mum and have a professional job in the public sector. My DS is a big teenager now though. He went to nursery from 4 months while I returned to finish off my professional exams. It was tough but I was determined to make a good life for him. I had no support from his father. Free nursery hours didn’t exist but I didn’t get help from tax credits towards nursery fees. Money was tight. I own my home now and had a mortgage before my son was born which I’ve strived to pay off.
Working and being a single parent is challenging but completely doable. Try to get some sort of balance between work and home though, my regret now is that I worked too much while he was small - those years really do go in so fast and with hindsight, it’s only work - real life is so much more important

ZillaPilla · 18/07/2019 18:16

I am single parent to 10yo and 20yo (at uni). 10yo is with me full time and 20yo when not at uni ie they rarely see their dad. He doesn't contribute financially (currently with CMS).
I work full time from home as an editor for a scientific journal.
I have a mortgage.

ZillaPilla · 18/07/2019 18:16

Hardest is childcare, especially during holidays, and when I travel to conferences.