Professional Single Parents

[TeachesOfPeaches]

I'm a single full time working mother of one 3 year old in London. As my career is progressing I realise I don't know any parents like myself and I would really like to discuss how others manage childcare, travelling for work, getting a mortgage on your own, tax free childcare etc and I have nobody to discuss this with.

Anyone out there in a similar situation?

Whosagood welcome! That sounds tough, how old are the boys?

I’m a single mum of a 10yo, work full time, was in an international job. I found the stress of juggling eventually became too much. Plus I wanted ds to grow up outside London. I moved out to Hampshire and took a lesser paid (UK only) job.
I’m better off and much less stressed. 20,000 fewer miles on the car per year, £6000 less commuting, far less childcare, no need for city clothes, house with a garden.
It took a bit of time & planning but definitely the right move for us.

Mint What type of work were you doing and what type of job do you do now ?

@TeachesOfPeaches they are 11. Currently they are in summer camps for most of the summer and go to my mums for the odd week here and there. We get 9 weeks off here so its a bloody nightmare juggling this aspect of it!

My project for the next 18 months heavily involves a supplier based in India. If it was anyone else heading up the project, they'd be making several trip over there. For me, Skype will have to be used 😕

@Whoseagooddoggiethen 11 yo boys must be very expensive to feed and clothe! Think I'm at the easy stage now with a preschooler - dreading when he starts school and then all the activities and parties and holidays etc kick off

hello, there's a Gingerbread group for single parents working in the City. Send me a PM if you want more details.

I’m from london but live outside now, single mum for 15 years, professional job and own business, I do work from home full time and have done for 10 years. I can go 2 months without seeing another adult and it can be lonely. But has worked well with childcare. I do have to do some travel but with luck have an amazing boss, if needed I take my daughter and can book work travel in the school holidays if needed. But it’s meant I’ve given up nearly two decades, I was 29 when I had my daughter and have had no life, prob been out maybe 4-5 times. It can be isolating if I look back now my advice would be to try and balance life/mum/work life.

I had to cut out the life to pay all the bills, inc mortgage and have been teased about having no life due to no understanding, if I had tried harder and not been so proud and asked for help I may have remarried and had another child, too late now and rather painful.

You really must put aside time aside for yourself to go out, even if you have to beg and borrow.

Another professional LP here. Programme manager. DS now 12 but have been doing it on my own with no local family support since he was 10 months. Key restrictions I've found are travel (as mentioned) - global company. Longer term trips are doable (as long as not too often) as I could arrange c/care for a week or 2 (tend to fly my mother in), but I can't/won't do the "just pop to Stockholm for a meeting" type of trips. I'm lucky - I have a very understanding company where, tbh, I have enough value to be able to set my terms and I also have a proved delivery track record, which has shown that Skype can be as effective. It has prevented me from moving to the next level (if I had so desired which luckily I don't) as that does have much more expectations around mobility.

Re. holidays - lots of WFH - due to having a great boss (and having a non operational job). DS also goes to his dad for a week or 2 which is actually a plus of being an LP and holiday cover.

Commuting time also key - I've never worked more than 30 mins from home. He is older now so can manage himself a lot more, but getting back by that 18:00 deadline for childcare (especially after school) was always a tad stressful. Oh, and an understanding childminder was also helpful.

Yes understanding childcare is worth it’s weight. At one point my daughters school receptionist had my daughter as her after school assistant to help me out on the occasions I was traveling and a meeting overran or I got stuck in traffic. I was the only single parent at the school.

Single dad to two daughters, aged 14 and 12, with a 50/50 residence arrangement. I'm a Deputy Director with the Civil Service, in a very busy role. Live in Northants, and work a combination of locally and in London. The public sector is very good, but it is still very difficult to juggle a senior civil service role with being a good dad. I'm now trying to balance an 18 month course of work-related executive study as well. It's a constant struggle, that tests my time management skills to the limit! It's all about priorities - and it's usually the housework that comes bottom of the list!

@Villanellesproudmum thank you for sharing your experience. I'm certainly not one to ever ask for help and try to do everything myself. I'm sorry you're so isolated, WFH is a double edged sword.

@Boopear I see a number of MN posters who work as Programme Managers (usually in the high earner threads). I've tried looking online but can't work out what it actually is?

We are currently migrating to Office365 which is supposed to be very good for team and international work.

The feeling of dread when your commute home to childcare is delayed and you have no other way of getting back and nobody to ask to collect your child. Gives me palpitations and makes me want to scream at the other commuters that I'm a single mum and need to be gone first !!

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad I was thinking of doing a MA in the evenings since I do nothing else and watch too much Netflix !

Seriously if there is help do ask, I’m 100% sole carer, we dd dad disappeared when she was 3.

One day I was slim, looked ok, had energy, now I’m 44, 2 stone heavier, grey and tired and my daughter is 15 less dependant has her own life. Although we have had some cracking holidays and travel along the way just the two of us.

It sounds like you did the right thing at the time (putting your DD first) without realising you were also sacrificing your own future once DD is no longer fully dependent. One thing I would love to do is travel with my son - where would you recommend?

At this moment in time I have no idea if my son's dad will stick around.

@DropOfffArtiste that sounds great, thank you. I don't know how to send a DM though? I use the app.

Came here from AIBU where the thread was advertised.
Single mother of two (reception and pre-school), working full time in a professional job in the City, no access to public funds such as 30 hours or tax free childcare, or any benefits. I often get weird attitude from the British colleagues who for some reason think that I get a couple £K a month "free" from the government just for being a single mother.

Travel is tricky in some places, we can’t go to South Africa (I’ve been before sad we can’t go there) and Canada without a letter of authority so it’s worth checking unless you don’t think that’ll be an issue.

We have travelled lots in Europe, Italy and Croatia and very family friendly in particular.

Actually so was France, Belgium not so much. We have been to various states in America, Egypt (hated it - lots of harassment) Dubai, I know it’s controversial but felt very safe there. Trying to think where else.

The plus side is seeing them grow and the stress of the early years is def worth it.

Welcome ! Of course, the single mother discount

@silvercuckoo I’ve had that!! Many times from random people such as supermarket check out staff asking my daughter where her dad is neighbours and friends. Everyone presumes single parent = free money. Bloody annoying, I earn more than some of my married friends combined wages and yet I’m the one who is presumed to have ‘help’

Hi - I work full time. Luckily only 2 days a week in the office I manage to do 3 from home. I am also currently applying for a mortgage to buy my ex out the house - I am lucky I earn a good salary but I am terrified at the prospect of this mortgage to myself that won't be paid off until retirement.

I find the flexibility of home working is great but I totally agree you miss out on stuff. We have a large project coming up though which would be really beneficial to me but very worried about juggling meetings off site. While my ex sees them is doesn't do much more than bare minimum so if I ask for an extra weekday no doubt he will want to cancel another one to compensate.

It's interesting - we split 12 months ago and I think until then I had been so stressed and miserable that actually progressing at work wasn't on the agenda: I now really feel ready to push but have the childcare struggle.

People ask me when I will date again but between working ft (inc evenings to compensate for leaving early on London days) and the dd I have no idea where I would find the time!

@Villanellesproudmum
I just wrote it off as one of British eccentricities, to be honest. I had a colleague complaining just last week about the cost of childcare (they live around the corner from me), and then this - "well as a single mother you wouldn't know that, but nurseries are £1.5K a month around here". I don't even know what to reply, is she assuming that some sort of a fairy godmother comes and pays fees for my children?