Esbee, just don't use the library for a while until you have the money, i owe mine, errr well quite a stupid amount, i posted them at night time and haven't been back since.
Electricity bill, you probably won't like this but.. get yourself a meter, i have to put a card in now. I owe the electricity board £1500, they take 4 pound off every ten pounds i put in the meter. It also means i can't let it get big again and i am in control of it.
TV license, pay for it over the year
Water, pay for it on a card, everytime you go shopping you can pay a little
Mediation, go to c a b too, they will help you with your utility bills, library etc a lot better thatn mediation. Stick to mediation with the Mortgage.
While you are feeling like this i would fill up your fridge at iceland too. It will save you buying food that will end up in the bin. It is easy and it is cheap.
One day a week go to college and do something enjoyable, nothing heavy. It is all about making yourself happy again. College will pay for childcare if you have no money.
Have a car boot sale, you will feel happier in your house and make some cash.
When your house is sorted buy candles and flowers, it is amasing the positive effect a chilled out house has on you.
If you are keeping up visits off x, get a structure, when everything is random it makes you feel out of control again. I felt as if i wasn't in charge of my life, he was. Stick to times, if he doesn't, he doesn't see them. Even better let him ring someone else for arrangements so you don't even have to speak to him until you are strong again.
At the school gates suggest you cook dinner one night for another mum, or have her children. You will get to know other people who will be valuable support. They will return favours and your community network will grow. I had a child every evening for a week as his father was ill. Now i know if i am ever late for school i can ask these people to pick my son up without feeling cheeky.
Stay away from music films and books newspapers that aren't uplifting. Read and watch only things with a positive message.
Also stay away fron people who drain you, they all come out of the woodwork when you are vulnerable.
If possible try and mend old relationships or try and work out what you want from them. Have a chat with your parents, if you really don't want to, work out why and what you can do about the pain they must have caused you. Walking around with heavy issues about your parents can destroy a person. If you can talk to them ring them up now and tell them you love them. All of us needs to hear that and trust me, cliche i know but the more you love people the more you get it back.
When you think about ending it all, imagine going to the doctors tomorrow and being told you had a terminal disease. I guarantee you wouldn't want to die, its the way we are built. You would think about all that you would miss. Look at your children deep into the eyes and think about how proud you are of them. I am incredibly proud of my children to have learnt pain so young and be so secure now. I made them secure, no one else so be proud of yourself too.
The biggest gift you have to give yourself now is to start to treat yourself like a friend. Fall in love with yourself, massage your own ego.Start to like yourself again. People will flock round you if you smile. Smile everyday even in the pissing rain. It will get easier and easier, and will last for longer each time.
I promise you nothing has changed in my life, i still have the same problems, i am just not going to let all these bastards win. I am not going to waist my precious time on this earth worrying and i am not going to give up when i know for a fact things turn around like they have for so many.I have enjoyed so much of this year. Wait for your good times too and start creating them.