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Original poster

Maintainance Payments and Tax credits advice

31 replies

IdreamofClooney · 05/07/2007 17:11

Hello Everyone

I haven;t posted for a while as have been very busy and work so thougth I would say "hello" and aslo wanted to ask for some advice.

My ex is TOTALLY unreliable and is not paying me any maintainance for our DS.

He says he doesn;t want to "pay for your new house" - I have bought a new house as we are in a one bed flat and DS is now two. I am financially streched but I made the decison to buy the house so accpet that. I am not reliant on money from ex (just as well) but I think that he should make a contributiuon to his son.

I have asked him for £300 a month which is barely half of the nursery fees. I work full time adn ex was meant to take DS on his two days off while I was at work but has not turned up several times so I am now paying for full time nursery which I find unfair as Ex is in bed while I am at work and paying for DS to bein nursery but there you go.

I get quite a lot of Tax credits but EX does not know this. If he found out I reckon he woudl be even less likely to ever pay me anything.

Do you tell your Ex how much tax credits your get and do your ex's pay you any maintianance?

OP posts:
Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 05/07/2007 17:11

PS wish there was a spell check as my typing is awful!

OP posts:
mojosmum · 05/07/2007 17:20

i dont tell e how much i get its none of his business but he cant stop paying you maintence i would go to the csa as your tax credits are not affected by maintenance you could even consider using a childminder instead of a nusery as they are alot cheaper

does you ex have any other kids & does he earn alot as £300mnth is alot & csa may not grant you that much but should grant regular payments???

Boredveryverybored · 05/07/2007 17:23

I tell my ex, but then I am totally crap with money things and he's an accountant so he helps me with things
But he's not an arse ( well mostly not ) and he does pay me maintenance, always has and always on time.
In your case I wouldn't be telling him f* all about anything you get, and I would be telling the CSA all about him!

persephonesnape · 05/07/2007 18:29

none of my exes business how much i get in tax credits and he doesn't give me a penny!

i think you're more than reasonable to ask of half of nursery fees if you're not getting childcare help from HMRC. as you are (?) i think he should pay 10% of childcare ( HMRC paying 80%) and whatever else he should be due under CSA calculation rules.

mumto3girls · 05/07/2007 18:34

Give him one mor chance to contribute willingly and then tell him you're going to the csa who will take 25% of his net pay on average.

Tinkerbel5 · 05/07/2007 20:33

maintenace will be 15% of his wages so unless he earns really good money you wont get £300 per month, you might have to go the csa route to get him to make regular payments, although I think if you asked him for less maintenace he might be more inclined to pay you something.

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 06/07/2007 09:51

Thanks for the responses.

According to the CSA website he would have to pay just over £200 a month, so it would be less than the £300 I calculated as a fair amount but a hell of a lot more than what I am getting at the moment (he currently owes me over £700).

He has another daughter and pays her mother £250 a month and she is at school so there are no nursery fees involved so I am pretty fed up that I have to fight to get anything and am struggling yet his other ex (who has a very well off new partner) is getting priority but that is not really relevant to him paying maintainance for his son.

DS is so happy and settled at the nursery and he has a wee friend there and the staff are so lovely that I really do not want to move him. I have having to work full time and leave him so much that as I do I am willing to pay more to keep him in nursery even if it means I go without a lot - which my ex knows which is why he is not forthcoming with money - he knows that DS will always be provided for it will be me who cannot afford new shoes or a haircut!

When we were together I was 100% in charge of all finances and had responsibilty for EVERYTHING adult as ex is an over grown teenager who is useless with money - he gets paid £1500 a month in cash and then spends it all by the middle of the month (without paying a penny towards his son) and then started to take money out of our old joint account that only had child benefit in it until I noticed and got the child benefit paid into my account - he does not think that he is in the wrong at all - he is a great dad as he picks up his son from nursery 3 days a week and sits on his arse in MY FLAT drinking tea and watching telly

Sorry rant over!!!

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mumto3girls · 06/07/2007 10:39

I don't think this man can be trusted to always have the money to give you unless you go to the CSA.

He should have no knowledge of you income and certainly not your expenditure ( apat from nursery fees) it's not his business and it's not relevant to his obligation to pay for his son!!

Tinkerbel5 · 06/07/2007 11:01

Idream if you do go down the csa route be prepared to receive even less because on the csa2 they take other siblings into account and what they will do is take a certain amount off him and divide it between the 2 children. I know how you feel though and unfortunately getting maintenance out of some men is like getting blood out of a stone.

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 06/07/2007 12:47

I'm finding things a bit tough at the moment, not just financially.

My Ex and his Ex have this really weird relationship - she would NEVER take him to the CSA so I will be a total cow if I do. His ex was quite happy for him to have keys to her flat and to use her flat while he was looking after her DD. I on the other hand am very fed up with him using my flat as it is my home and I do not like him being there at all.

While we were together I felt really threatened by his Ex as she was always in our flat - lying on the sofa, leafing through my magazines and generally making her presence felt, she is best pals with all of his friends so is almost as if the two of them never split up. She also arrived at the hospital the day I had DS (dressed up to the nines I may add) and expected me to let her hold him! I was furious but my ex thought this was totally cool - another reason we are no longer together.

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mumto3girls · 06/07/2007 12:50

wow - why aren't they together and why on earth was she IN your flat at all?
I'm all for tryign to keep friendly and polite for the childrens' sake, but that seems really odd...!

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 06/07/2007 12:51

It is just crap. If I were in his postion I would want to provide for my child and would set up a standing order to pay money regularly and accpet it as one of my expenses. As it is I end up with no money for myself so I have been needing new shoes for ages and cut my own hair etc whereas ex spends all his cash on booze, going out and expensive food - drives me mad!
A lot of people have said I should stop access until he pays but I really do not watn to do that as DS loves his daddy and it is not DS's fault that his daddy prefers drinking to family life.

OP posts:
Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 06/07/2007 12:53

mumto3 girls

I tried my best to keep it polite and friendly - for her DD's sake.

She used to come to collect her DD (who my Ex used to pick up from School for her) and insisted on coming up three flights of stairs every day - I otfen got home from work (pre DS) to find her lounging on my sofa, flicking through one of my magazines and making superior comments about my need to read such drivel. I still feel quite threatened by her now to be honest.

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mumto3girls · 06/07/2007 12:55

How old is your DS? Perhaps if you can't actually get regular money out of him give him a list of things that ds needs..new shoes, clothes, toys etc

Then go through the csa..regular smaller payments are better than irregular possibly larger ones..

Have you asked him why one of his children is worth more ( financially) than the other?

mumto3girls · 06/07/2007 12:56

I can understand you feeling like that - I bet she loved those magazines too or why would she bother - sanctimonious cow!

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 06/07/2007 13:10

I used to feel totally marginalised and inferior to her. Her and my ex used to make comments like "why don;t you take DD to the fair? Neither of us could bear it but we thought you might like it" etc etc. I still look after their DD a lot as I care about her but I get no thanks at all.

My ex would never buy toys or books - he makes fun of the stuff I get for DS in charity shops by asking if I got it in a skip! DS is only just two and loves books so I buy them all in charity shops and we go to the library every few weeks and he's thrilled.
I;ve asked my ex to buy clothes and shoes for him beofre but he always asks me for money so I actually end up worse off as I give him the money and he buys expensive stuff or stuff that I would buy in a bigger size to last, where as I buy most of DS's stuff in sales and charity shops!

Basically Ex is a very selfish and immature man which is why I kicked him out so I shouldn;t be surprised at how things are now.

When I move I am not giving him a key to the new house although he already assumes that he will get one!

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mumto3girls · 06/07/2007 13:45

You sound well rid and they sound perfect together...what an arsewipe - sorry but he really does sound horrible.

Your new life starts here...well done for taking that step. I know it's hard I've been there...

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 06/07/2007 14:05

How long have you been on your own for 3girls?

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mumto3girls · 06/07/2007 15:43

I'm not on my own anymore..I lived alone with my two eldest dd's for 2 years ( although i met my current dp after 6 months of being alone but we didn't live together til 2 years after I kicked their dad out).

We have now been together 10 years and will be getting married next year - we have a beautiful 2 yr old daughter and we are very happy. I am sooooo pleased that I didn't put up withs econd best because if I had I would never be where I am today with my lovely DP and my dd3.

Good luck with whatever your future holds, I bet it'ds an improvement on the past couple of years by the sound of it!

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 06/07/2007 16:50

I am glad that you have such a happy story, that gives me hope. Sometimes I just feel that I will be alone forever as all of my friends are married and I feel that no man is ever goign to be intersted in me, plus I never get out to meet men. How did you meeet your lovely partner?

I did ask my ex if he would take DS for an over night stay but he thinks DS is too young. I think DS would love to stay with his dad but not sure if I trust Ex enough anyway as he drinks too much but I really miss going to the cinema and to the gym etc

Oh well Ds is worth it but would like to kiss another man at some point as am only 33 and don;t want to be single for the rest of my life!

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mumto3girls · 06/07/2007 18:28

I actually had my mum living close by when I was single with the eldest two dd's. She happily babysat for me when I wanted to go away for a weekend to meet a friend who lived down South ( I lived up NOrth at that poinbt in time)
When said friend and I were out and about I met my current DP, we chatted and exchanged phone numbers. I thought I'd never see him again but he rang every night til we arranged to meet again a couple of months later. After that he came to visit the 200 mile journey once a month til we decided to move in together. I then moved down South and have been here ever since.

My girls love him to pieces and I know that I am very lucky.

You are still young and your ds will grow up so quickly. There are lots of men out there that do not mind dating single mums ( they are often single dads themselves) so please don't think that you will never meet someone else. You sounjd like a lovely mum who puts her son first and he will grow up remembering that.

Will your parents/friends not babysit one night?

Tinkerbel5 · 06/07/2007 20:17

Idream sounds like your ex and his ex are well suited, the reason she hasnt taken him to the csa is cause she dont need too as she gets money off him, well you dont so you need to go to the csa as you need the money, as for the ex being in your flat

Original poster
IdreamofClooney · 09/07/2007 10:29

Hi

Thanks for your messages am just feeling a bit fed up at the moment!

I think that things will settle down soon and I will feel happier. I have only actually been on my own for 3 months (though I felt alone a lot with my ex as he was never there or was never awake when he was there!) so things will get better.

How do you arrange things with your Ex in terms of access? I would like DS to be able to see his dad regularly but I DO NOT want my ex in my home. I feel really strongly about this as I hate him being in my space and am fed up hiding all of my personal stuff away. My Ex has refused to give me my keys back and insisted that he needs to use my flat in order to look after DS.

I am moving house soon and I have no intention of giving him a key to my new home. Because my ex and his ex have such a "wonderful" relationship she was quite happy for him to have a key to hers and to hang out there. I am not. I am just interesed in how other people in my situation sort this out!

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Tinkerbel5 · 09/07/2007 11:41

you can decide between you on the access, it works for some having every other weekend and maybe a night in the week, but im sure you can come to your own arrangements. You dont have to have him in your home for access visits, he can come to you door and you hand over you child, but make sure you know where he is taking him and have his phone number incase you need to contact him.

mumto3girls · 09/07/2007 11:48

Change your locks asap and do not under any circumstances give him a new key. He has no right whatsoever to enter your flat.