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Lone parents

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Original poster

Since hearing myself & H are soon to live in separate houses, DS1's behaviour has been just awful.

99 replies

pinkchampagne · 01/03/2007 18:12

I know it's to be expected, but I am finding it so hard to cope with.
He doesn't do what he is told for me, answers back, sulks & strops and generally just pushes the boundaries all the time.
He says things like "You are not the boss of this house, daddy is" when I try to discipline him.
I am really struggling with the boys atm. I feel I am losing my grip, and I am scared of managing on my own.

OP posts:
ssd · 01/03/2007 18:15

what ages are they?

must be very hard all round, you have my sympathies.

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 01/03/2007 18:15

DS1 is 7.5 & DS2 is nearly 4.

OP posts:
ssd · 01/03/2007 18:18

nearly same as mine 5 and 8

hard enough at that age!

have no experience to offer but what about counselling? is that on offer to help you all?

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 01/03/2007 18:22

I have just started another load of counselling (have had it in the past for my struggles in the relationship), but it is NHS counselling & she is very busy, so can only fit me in 4-6 weekly atm.
I am really at the end of my tether. Tonight has been awful & I don't know how much more I can take before exploding.

OP posts:
Blu · 01/03/2007 18:27

Oh lord, how vey difficult.
My guess is that he is trying this out..just to see if you ARE the boss in the (future) absence of daddy in his main home. My next guess is that he actually wants you to be. He may well want the security of knowing that you will b a 'boss' - in the sense that you will offfer that funny mixture of boundarties and security.
He knows that daddy has been very much boss of you all - he has long been aware that dady certainly likes to be your boss - maybe he is testing to see if you really can be his mum without daddy being your boss, iyswim.

It must be SO hard.

can you stay very calm and low key and tell him calmly (at a point when he isn't in mid crash-test) that you will be his Mummy, that it isn't about being a boss, but it is about you being the one who will be in charge of the house, and you will love himm, and look after himm, and make sure that he is a good boy so that he does well and doesn't get into trouble/

he's sesnitve and very aware of felings, so he might respond to a calm grown-up chat?

I think what i wouldn't do is be extra lenient and let him get away with things that YOU wouldn't let him get away with.

But your standards, not H's.

XXXXX

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 01/03/2007 18:40

I think you are probably right there, Blu. He apologised the other week for one of his episodes, and said "Sorry I was mean to you, mummy, I wouldn't be mean to daddy because he's scarier than you."
I try to be firm with him, but they are challanging me big time & I feel I am losing my grip at times.

OP posts:
Blu · 01/03/2007 18:48

DS1 is such a sweetie.
Children always go into one of some kind when they click that parents are not in accord or that the power balance has chinks in it. At least they are behaving absolutely normally in that respect!

I don't know what to say. i don't think there is anyhting anyone can say except that like everything else in this bloody horrible process, it wll pass. it will give you maximumupset oin the meantime, but it will pass e...v...en..t..u.all...y. It must feel like the longest endurance test ever.

You are turning out to have a very strong core pinkchapagne - I think Mn will be right behind you with barrowloads of sympathy over this particular aggravation. It calls for indulgence therapy, I think!

mamama · 01/03/2007 18:54

Oh, yuk... isn't this all so hard?

Kids at that age test boundaries anyway but I know with everything else that is going on, this must be a big struggle for both of you.

I agree with Blu - I am sure he is subconsciously testing you. He needs to know that you are the boss - you are his mummy, he will live with you and therefore, you will make decisions that he may sometimes not like but that you make because they are best for him, the family, the situation etc and because you want him to be safe. Knowing that and feeling it will ultimately make him more secure. Pick your battles carefully - decide if it is something worth fighting (i.e. something that will have long-term consequences, or is dangerous etc rather than whether or not he eats his dinner, for example) and don't back down. Be firm but calm and, most importantly, consistent. Make sure he knows what is expected of him, give him a warning and the carry out the consequence. And, keep telling him how much you love him and how everything will be ok. Different but ok.

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 01/03/2007 19:59

Not sure about the strong core bit. I have been feeling very run down & overloaded with it all just recently, and sometimes that calm bit doesn't happen!
After this afternoons happenings, I took myself down to the kitchen to start their tea & just cried! (Not in front of the boys)

I think DS senses that I am a bit run down & I guess he's just testing.
He is always very loving around 10 minutes after he has come out of his naughty turns & I do try & give him lots of attention then & talk to him about how much happier it makes me when he is a good boy etc.
It is just so so hard & tests my patience so much. I don't have as much in the way of patience as maybe I should have atm.

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 01/03/2007 20:03

It's a very difficult time for you all & children understand more than you think they do.

I'd sit down with your eldest & have a grown up chat about what's happening, how you feel & how he's feeling.

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 01/03/2007 23:09

I will do, thank you for all your advice - I will use it!

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Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/03/2007 17:19

DS1 has been quite sweet today. He presented me with a squashed flower that he had picked me at school, and said "I found the prettiest flower because it reminded me of you"
He can be so lovely. I am sure his pushing is to test how far he can push, now that he knows that daddy won't always be boss.
His teacher (who I have recently spoken to about events at home) has gone off sick with stress (hopefully not due to having my son in the class!) & I think having lots of supply teachers is also probably having an affect on him.

OP posts:
mamama · 02/03/2007 17:26

Poor lad - he has an awful lot going on at the moment. I think when kids have a hard time at home, it is very reassuring for them to go to school and see the same teacher everyday. I am sure that having supply teachers isn't helping him.

He sounds lovely, Pinkchampagne - you must be a wonderful mummy

mjsnorkle · 02/03/2007 17:29

When I was in this situation last year my Mum suggested being stricter than usual. This was after a particularly major row with dd who was 7 then. It was the last thing I felt like doing but I gave it a go and Things did get much better. I think that it helped dd to feel secure and that someone was in control.
It's awful when they lash out. You have my sympathy. Hope all gets easier for you.

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/03/2007 17:35

I try being strict, but at times it feels they are almost immune to my voice!
When they misbehave I feel it's a real reflection of me as a parent & how I've failed.
They rarely misbehave for H.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 02/03/2007 17:46

PC I havent read all of this but I so have been through this myself when my X first left. The main thing to hang on to is that it really will get better.

In the beginning mine were really clingy and needy and badly behaved especially my ds. My youngest dd has also behaved badly at times and becomse frustrated at little things.

IN my view the key is to behave very differently from the person they see as being angry and bad tempered, because the difference will win them over. Also it will pass and is a little like they are testing you to see how far they can push you. By this I mean that if they push you hard enough will you go away like their dad has done as well. By staying calm and staying wiht them through it the relationship you end up with is worth all of the hassle and pressure I can assure you.

I kept in mind my experience in terminal care which was that patients were always the nastiest to the people they trusted the most and took their anger out on the ones they knew would not react or run away. I kept thinking it was a gift from them and showed their love and trust for me.

The fact that your ds has apologised is enough to show he cant understand why he is behavign this way but knows what he is doing is upsetting you whihc is really good from him and mature.

Email me though if you want.

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/03/2007 17:47

I guess I have to keep reminding myself that this is to be expected & might just be a phase that will hopefully calm when things settle down.

OP posts:
mjsnorkle · 02/03/2007 17:51

I felt the same. Once we were out with family when i told dd off. She said "I'll tell daddy because you're scared of him and he'll get you". I was mortified.

You are not failing though, the fact that he can be sweet and good at a time like this shows what a good job you are doing. xxx

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/03/2007 17:53

Thanks, glitterfairy. Your post made a lot of sense & I know I should kind of expect DS to react in this way.
I am just finding it a real challange & it does really get me down.
It is hard to get the balance just right, isn't it?

OP posts:
Blu · 02/03/2007 17:55

They don't misbehave with H because they are cowed and terrified of him. That's not great parenting by any chalk - having the relationship with your boys where they can be so sensitive and expressive and show thier insecurities IS! (the flower...bless him). He does have a lot going on in his little life, he is probably acting up and then feeling upset with himself that he has behaved that way...maybe tell him you know that he doesn't mean to behave badly, and that you love understand he is a bit mixed up at the momenyt and that anyway, however he does or doesn't act you still love him and will always be his 'boss'.

I wonder if it might help if you don't tell him that you feel sad when he misbehaves? He may be unable to help himself a bit at the moment, and then worry that he has upset you - he hates you being sad and upset, doesn't he? And the fact that he can't help himself (to a certian extent) might make him feel very insecure for making you sad. Just tell him very firmly how you would like him to behave, and that you will stop him watching tv for 30 mins (or whatever) if he carries on. But don't say (or show, if you can help it!) that he makes you sad.

Just thinking aloud.

I thnk the flower shows that he really doesn't mean or want to be a pain.

All v heartbreaking for you, PC. But you are doing so well. No wonder you are frazzled and disheartened. You'd have to be superhuman not to be.

XXXXX

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/03/2007 17:55

Thanks, mjsnorkle.
I just feel like I'm not getting it right atm & I get quite upset. I also panic how I will manage when I'm totally on my own.

OP posts:
Blu · 02/03/2007 17:58

Sorry - x-posted with glitterfairy - but i think we are saying some v similiar things.

I wonder if he is woried that he knows his behaviour upsets you, and you might feel you need to leave him, like you are having to leave H (because i am very sure he knows why you do need to leave H, even if he finds it a hard prospect)

Original poster
pinkchampagne · 02/03/2007 17:59

Thanks, Blu. You talk a lot of sense, & just last night I was worrying about DS picking up on my emotions. He is very sensitive.
It is hard because I get run down & he senses that.
I will have a talk with him.

OP posts:
mjsnorkle · 02/03/2007 18:04

Blu is right about the behavior and being cowed and terrified. My xp could be pretty sacry too even if youre not 8. Things are likley to settle down when youre on your own as there will be less undermining and you will be the main authority figure.

Blu · 02/03/2007 18:07

And it's absolutely to be expected, too. it is the circumstances, not because you are being a 'bad parent' in any way, PC.

DS's friend whose parents split in the Autumn has settled down very very quickly after a bit of a furore of difficult behaviour, and I can promise you that he has not had the thoughtful responsible attention over the split that your boys are getting from you.