My son doesn't want to see his father - what do I do?

[sanityisamyth]

After 10 years of marriage, my then husband started online dating when our son was just under a year old.

Our son is now 2 (3 at Christmas) and does not like going to see, or stay with, his father.

For about 8 months he has been saying "I don't like daddy", "don't make me see daddy" and running away from him when he sees him. Normally, people we meet he goes straight up to them and gives them a hug.

He's come back from ExH dirty and stinking of an unclean house, with severe nappy rash, with head injuries (which ExH can't/won't explain) and with other marks and bruises.

Nursery have called Children's Services as they were concerned how my son reacted to seeing his father when he picked him up.

I was driving home from a friend's house yesterday and explain to my son that he would be staying with daddy tonight, and he just started crying. He wasn't making lots of noise, just silent tears and trying to curl up into a ball (he couldn't as he was in his car seat). He curls up whenever he sees him. He looked very upset and depressed. He said he wanted to hold my hand and he just squeezed and squeezed it and wouldn't let go.

I am seriously concerned he's being neglected or worse when he's there and I don't know what to do.

I work full time and need someone to help me on Saturday mornings but I have no family to have him. Some friends have offered occasional help, but nothing I can really rely on. But my son's happiness and welfare need to come first.

WWYD?

I would just stop answering him. If he turns up at your house don't engage or let him in. Keep all texts he sends you and note everything you can remember in a diary with details of when and what happened to make you feel uneasy about contact.

I don't know how to stop him seeing our son without a massive argument and fight.

That's your concern? Really?

I'm the least confrontational, shyest person on the planet but no way in hell would I ever be sending my son to his father under the circumstances you've described.

Don't conduct any more conversations with him at all via text - you've told him how it is. If he wants to fight it, he can take you to court.

If it was me I would be finding another job, moving to a different part of the country and taking my son with me.

And not all state schools are the same btw - I've worked in several.

Thanks Neon.

I've got lots of pictures of nappy rash and head injury etc. I've got the dates I took them and the dates that nursery filed Children's services report etc. I should also have the date I phoned them. I can go through text messages of other things relating to DS and his behaviour.

I agree with juneau too.

The fact that you have prioritised your job up until this point is worrying enough.

Stop texting and just don't let him near your ds.

SS will presumably have some sort of record of the report. Make sure you tell your solicitor about that.

Your son's safety should have been paramount from the get go. Glad it is now.

OP I'm really glad you've decided to stand up to your ex on this. I'm worried about your Sat childcare arrangement though. How long will it be before your friend has something that means she can't take care of your DS one Sat? Does she understand that your ex is abusing him? You need a back-up plan if you're determined to stick with this job that leaves with one day a week when you can't be there to take care of your DS, because at some point your friend WILL let you down. She'll get ill, or her DC will, or she'll go away for the weekend, or have a shopping date with my mum, or something. I guarantee it.

I hope you get through to your solicitor today. Please tell him/her everything about the abuse, your DS's reaction to the idea of going to spend time with his father, and the very urgent and worrying issue of lack of suitable childcare.

As for contact with your ex, don't reply. Don't answer the phone. All contact from now on needs to be via your solicitor. If necessary, change your phone number, however much of a hassle it is. Your ex is dangerous and you need to keep him at a distance both for your own and your DS's safety.

*her mum, not MY mum!

I don't know how to stop him seeing our son without a massive argument and fight.

Either you face the wrath of your ex or your child does.
I hate confrontation- it makes me physically sick- but I would not let my son be with anyone who I even vaguely suspected of hurting him. I would do anything to stop it.

He is abusing your son. Whether physically or emotionally you don't know, but he's hurting him. He never, ever gets him unsupervised ever again.

If you're scared of this man, imagine how your son feels. Stop contact now, buckle in for a fight, get legal support. Yes it's going to be unpleasant. Good luck

Thanks everyone. I've got several back up plans for saturdays now - I think it's covered.

I haven't texted him back from the last one he sent last night (which is copied above) and have written a long and detail dated list of all the issues we've had in the last year or so, and all the agencies that have been involved (GP, children's services, children centre, NSPCC etc).

Good luck OP, Your doing the right thing. Keep strong and keep your boy away from Dad. I suspect Dad will quietly drift away once he's getting no attention from causing a fuss

I bloody hope so Hobbit. I know I have to, and I am, putting DS first but I've had 30 years of not being able to myself first, and being emotionally, verbally, sexually, physically and financially abused.

You're doing great OP

Did you get through to the solicitor?

Not yet Juneau. There's lots of divorce stuff to sort out so will do tomorrow. I've talked to her before about it though and she keeps saying the court will want both parents to have contact.

I got these messages earlier though ...

sanity I am not in a position to advise, but you have posted a very identifying screen grab here along with previous detail of your location. You may want to report your last post and get MNHQ to remove the picture. You named your DS up thread as well.

Good luck with keeping your son safe.
Xx

Update.

I've had an e-mail from ExH (DS's father). Basically he wants contact although he hasn't said in what form, for how long or how regularly.

He last saw DS on 19th December from 9am-5pm to do Christmas and birthday. I had asked DS if he wanted to see daddy, and he had said yes. It was the only reason this went ahead.

When ExH came into the house on 19th, DS ran up two flights of stairs and jumped straight into his cot. He has never done this when anyone else has arrived in the house. I did get him downstairs as he left happy. ExH returned him on time and said he'd had a good day. The only thing I know about it was there was a train set. I don't know where he went, who he was with or any other presents he got. I don't care what presents he gets but it would be nice for me to be able to talk to DS about them if that makes sense? "Did you have fun playing with your ... from Daddy?" etc. DS has never talked about any of the day and won't answer any questions about it.

I don't want to completely stop contact, especially as DS has said more recently he does want to see Daddy. I'd be more comfortable with no overnight stays as I don't know where he takes him and I don't know if it's safe for him.

Am I unreasonable to ask where he goes and who he's with?

Am I unreasonable to tell him to put DS first and to ask me how some things are best dealt with (discipline etc)? I have a feeling that ExH gets firm with him far far quicker than I do and nursery does and that is not helping when DS says he doesn't want to see Daddy. ExH is exceptionally arrogant and narcissistic and believes that his way is the correct way, even if it is with a child he rarely sees and he has no experience of any other children, let alone of DS age.

I'm really lost and confused as to the best way forwards. Please help. What would you do?

P.S. If you did let your DC go, what (if any) conditions would you stipulate?

As a general rule I don't think RPs have any right to specify who the DC sees and where they go. Your situation though is so far from normal that those rules would not apply.

Tricky given DS wants to see his dad. Some here would say that you are the adult and it is your job to protect DS because what he wants may not be good for him. Against that is the worry that he takes you to court and ends up with more contact. Is he likely to do this??

If you do decide to allow contact:
I certainly would not allow overnights. Can you suggest little and often given the age of your DS ? It would also help deal with the issues of nappy rash etc.

I would start keeping a diary though of all contact events and take photos of DS before contact so that if he comes back with marks there is evidence that they were not there before contact. First sign of marks I would stop contact and let him take you to court.

Why on earth don't you want to stop contact?! This man may be his father but clearly he is damaging to your child. Please protect your son and don't let your ex have contact - at best hr sounds neglectful at worse someone who may be putting your son in harms way. Your child is acting like that for a reason - listen to him. There's no way I would let my ex have contact in the circumstances you described. If you really feel the need to them I would definitely say supervised contact is necessary.

Thank you both :)

My gut is to limit contact as much as possible to minimise the chance of anything happening.

I don't know if ExH would take it to court (he's been pretty awful throughout the divorce so it wouldn't surprise me) so I really don't want to push things towards him having more contact than I'm comfortable with.

I literally don't know what to do for the best 😢

Rainbow I have a diary for DS already which logs when he has contact with ExH and have got a log (including photos) of the incidents and injuries before.

Go with your gut. If he goes to court surely he won't be allowed unsupervised contact - especially when nursery etc can back you up. You aren't being unreasonable to say no.
Is there a possibility if you have to allow access to only let your ex take him to a class Etc that your ds goes to or say can he take him to park between 3-5 for example and then ask a friend to be there to keep an eye? Tbh though I would just tell him to bugger off.

I don't understand why you're still considering this. You were really clear in your previous posts that your child was being abused and neglected. I know it's difficult as it sounds like children's services aren't helping but please do ask on the legal board for advice.

And I'm not sure it's helpful to ask your DS whether he wants to see his dad, as you did before Christmas. He's so little and you're the best judge of whether he's safe, not him.

Yes I agree - stop asking your dc.

Thanks both :) It's good advice.

Alwaysknackered - I don't think ExH would listen or agree to conditions like that. I think they would be reasonable and I'd be more than happy but I don't think he would agree or comply. I do not trust him an inch.

I'm feeling more confident now to tell ExH he still can't see DS. The legal board is a good suggestion too.

I've read through your posts and I don't understand you at all!
You have evidence of abuse etc yet you seem to still want to talk and contact this person and even talk about your son seeing him again and how when where etc.
I can only say if me I'd change my number and ignore him totally from now on.
I'm very sure if he wasted money on applications to court to see him he'd not get far with the evidence you say you have proving the abuse.
But I dont understand you at all as why would you even bother to contemplate and waste time messaging and contacting him at all seems you are trying find a way in your own mind to allow the chance of more abuse.
If you ignore totally change your number which most companies will do for free if you tell them about abusing calls etc and do not answer door to him ever and no way ever let in your home,plus if he appears at your door ring police and report for threatening you it all adds up more to your cause,you could send one message telling to not ever come to your home again etc and no longer contact you directly only through solicitor will you reply and keep copy of such as if you do that it's easy then to get a restraining order which again helps in future.

Carol I haven't contacted him. He sent me an e-mail yesterday evening and I've not slept since. It's been the first contact since the 19th December and very unexpected.