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Original poster

My son doesn't want to see his father - what do I do?

140 replies

sanityisamyth · 29/10/2016 08:29

After 10 years of marriage, my then husband started online dating when our son was just under a year old.

Our son is now 2 (3 at Christmas) and does not like going to see, or stay with, his father.

For about 8 months he has been saying "I don't like daddy", "don't make me see daddy" and running away from him when he sees him. Normally, people we meet he goes straight up to them and gives them a hug.

He's come back from ExH dirty and stinking of an unclean house, with severe nappy rash, with head injuries (which ExH can't/won't explain) and with other marks and bruises.

Nursery have called Children's Services as they were concerned how my son reacted to seeing his father when he picked him up.

I was driving home from a friend's house yesterday and explain to my son that he would be staying with daddy tonight, and he just started crying. He wasn't making lots of noise, just silent tears and trying to curl up into a ball (he couldn't as he was in his car seat). He curls up whenever he sees him. He looked very upset and depressed. He said he wanted to hold my hand and he just squeezed and squeezed it and wouldn't let go.

I am seriously concerned he's being neglected or worse when he's there and I don't know what to do.

I work full time and need someone to help me on Saturday mornings but I have no family to have him. Some friends have offered occasional help, but nothing I can really rely on. But my son's happiness and welfare need to come first.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 07:39

Thanks Neon

He was sick overnight last night here so managed to have a civil conversation about what he fed DS, where he took him etc. turns out he had been sick there too. I'm not going to jump up and down and rock the boat too much about that now (not with what lies ahead) but it would have been nice to know as I wouldn't have taken him out in the afternoon. Luckily the motorway was closed so we couldn't get to swimming as, if he'd had a bug, he might have spread it there, or thrown up in the water

Re the text I think that sounds sensible. I don't do confrontation and don't want an argument, for DS's sake, if nothing else.

OP posts:

user1477427207 · 30/10/2016 07:42

but if nursery have already called Social Services about his reaction to his dad, and your son is reacting like that, then should you be continuing to facilitate visits?

Mix56 · 30/10/2016 07:42

He sounds so terrified he may be throwing up through nerves.
It is shocking that he is so neglected.
Could you weigh him before & after going ?
You really need to cajole him into talking if they went to the park, (or parked in the corner of a room)... or what did he eat ? McDo chips & repeat ?
There is a GF ? can you speak to her ?
Poor little boy

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 07:51

I didn't have any choice user as I don't have family that will help, or can help as they're miles away. Friends don't want to be tied down every Saturday morning and I couldn't find any childminders in the area that would do Saturday mornings.

I think this is through nerves bout. Apart from being with his father, DS has eaten everything I have and I'm fine. He went to soft play on Friday but its new and clean. My friend's boy was there too and he's fine. I texted DS's father this morning to ask what they did since leaving me and apparently he just played at the GF's house (ExH moved in as soon as I kicked him out) and had a bit of cereal for breakfast (so supper that night or lunch the next day). It's the only time he's ever divulged any information.

The GF has been brainwashed my him. I've met her once as it was the strangest encounter I've had. I don't think she'd tell me anything even if I asked.

OP posts:

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 07:51

Sorry not bout, mix!!

OP posts:

user1477427207 · 30/10/2016 07:52

so do you mean that access visits to his father are also 'childminding' for you so that you can work?

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 08:00

Yes user that's the only reason he has him, so that I can work. I had to ask him to have him. He was supposed to pick him up from nursery on a Friday and keep him til 3 on a Saturday. He couldn't be trusted to pick him up from nursery so DS now comes back to my work on the minibus and ExH picks him up from my house.

ExH has obviously wanted some Friday nights out too, so has picked DS up from my work at 8am on a Saturday.

Unless I'm at work I'm with DS 24/7.

OP posts:

juneau · 30/10/2016 08:02

FGS please don't let him go back to your ex. I'm actually really shocked that in spite of the evidence of abuse/neglect and your ex's complete disregard for safety and obvious lack of interest in his DS that you've continued to send him there. Lack of childcare? Come on, you can't send your little boy to this man simply so you can work! Get a different job, if you have to, but protecting him has to be your number one priority. I'm please to see that upthread you say you've sorted out Sat childcare from now on. You can't let him go to his dad any more. You need to gear up for a possible fight, although I'm not convinced he would fight you as it sounds like he doesn't give a shit whether he sees his DS or not - he's only doing it because you've insisted upon it. I realise you've been abused by him and I know its really hard to stand up to an abuser, particularly when you are on your own and your own DM sounds like like an uncaring cow, but please speak to a solicitor/children's services/even the police to get sole custody sorted out. This horrible man is doing god only knows what to your DC - you need to be the mouse that roars.

user1477427207 · 30/10/2016 08:04

well honestly sanity, in that case I suggest you find a different job. I know it is hard, I have just finished raising two children alone with very little support, (washed up and skint) but if your child is reacting as you say, it is your duty to keep him away from his dad, especially if childrens services have been involved, as it could be said that you are not keeping your son safe by sending him to his dad,
I know it is harsh, but that is how it is.

neonrainbow · 30/10/2016 08:05

But if she stops contact without the support of the authorities then surely he will apply to court and get court ordered access? She has to do it by the book.

If you can quietly phase him out of regular contact surely that's better?

Mix56 · 30/10/2016 08:06

So he had a "bit of cereal" between friday early evening & saturday afternoon ?
Last of the big spenders eh ?

user1477427207 · 30/10/2016 08:10

" She has to do it by the book. "

look she has basically told us that her son is being abused and / or neglected and that he curls up into a little ball and cries at the idea of going to his dad's. And that SS have been notified of this.

Therefore it is her duty to stop the visits, if she wants to keep her son.

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 08:12

I've now found a friend to have him Saturday morning after a panic-stricken FB post so hopefully that is now sorted.

I don't need a different job. I'm planning on staying in this one as hopefully DS will benefit in the long run.

That's what I was hoping Neon. I don't want to make a massive fuss. There is evidence - children's centre, doctor, nursery, children's services and police (his driving) so I'm hoping that any court interference will fall on my side but he's an arrogant narcissist who doesn't see any of this.

OP posts:

user1477427207 · 30/10/2016 08:15

" There is evidence - children's centre, doctor, nursery, children's services and police (his driving) "

right, so if you were seen to continue these visits despite this, it would not reflect well on you.
Sorry OP, but you only need one social worker to get a hold of all this in a certain way, and your child could be removed from your care.
I really do not intend to be horrible but this is how it is.

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 08:18

I'm doing my best user on absolutely no support at all. Clearly it isn't enough.

OP posts:

user1477427207 · 30/10/2016 08:20

I know you are sanity, and I do know that it is hard. Hang on in there.
But please take on board what I am saying.

KittyAlPick · 30/10/2016 08:30

If you're a qualified teacher can you not apply in the state sector and get away from Saturday mornings entirely?

Plsadvise · 30/10/2016 08:37

That sounds horrendous and I agree with all of the posters saying that you need to stop contact.

But, my concern would be that if you start telling him he can't have contact with his son, listing issues, accusing neglect etc that ExH will start fighting for contact. Where as at the moment he doesn't sound too bothered.

In this situation a few white lies might not go amis.

Would it be worth starting by saying next week that DS is still sick so you're going to keep him at home and see what he says? Then you could have a couple of weeks in a row when you don't need him to have DS because "you don't have to teach this weekend" and then one week where "would he mind very much if you kept DS at home because you have a friend staying who is desperate to see him".

If he doesn't start trying to get access, trying to make a date to see him etc after a month, you might find that the access just peeters out anyway if you stop asking/arranging/sorting etc after that.

If it doesn't work you haven't lost anything and can still go down the legal/ss etc route. But if it does it might have saved everyone some hassle. . . .

Mishaps · 30/10/2016 08:43

Frankly I would move house to a different part of the country.

titchy · 30/10/2016 08:52

Well I would tell your ex that: '

"In view of ds's continued fear of contact and clear neglect whilst in your care, as recorded by GP, nursery, ss etc you do not think any more overnight contact is in his best interests. However you believe he has a right to a relationship with his father and you'd like this to continue weekly as at present. Therefore contact from now one will be from 1.00 until 5.00 every Saturday at McDonald's/softplay/contact centre /your house - with OP remaining present in order to reassure your child"

neonrainbow · 30/10/2016 08:54

Yeah i was basically getting at what plsadvise said. If the ex thinks youre trying to stop him seeing your son he might fight you just because. If the weeks slip by without contact he may not notice too much!?

lotsofdogshere · 30/10/2016 09:12

I wouldn't worry about doing it 'by the book', there isn't a book for situations like this, there is only doing the best you can for your little boy. I wouldn't worry that children's services would be wanting to remove your little boy because you continued to send him to contact , at this stage, despite your worries.

It's a relief to read you have managed to get help with Saturday mornings. It may be worth seeing a solicitor for advice or looking at the Family Right's website. The family courts starting point is that children have a right to a relationship with both parents. It's unusual for a child as young as yours to be verbalising a wish not to see daddy, that together with the evidence of physical neglect suggests you are right not to want to send him. It may be that his dad will let it slide, he doesn't sound motivated. I'd be inclined to be honest with his dad, say the little one doesn't want to go and you feel he needs a break as he's been upset before and after contact. If his dad pushes it, would you feel ok about allowing dad to take him out for his lunch or tea sometime. That way, no one can accuse you of refusing to allow your little boy to have a relationship with his dad. If you don't feel that's right, stand your ground and just refuse but if it ends up before the court, dad may well get some kind of order (I know, don't shoot me folks)

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 09:31

Just spent an hour driving and thinking. All of the advice from Children's centre, children's services, nursery and my solicitor was that I can't stop contact as there isn't enough evidence.

I am going to stop asking ExH to have DS on Saturdays and see what his reaction is. After that I'll go back through my solicitor to see about stopping contact more formally :)

OP posts:

tralaaa · 30/10/2016 09:32

For goodness sake. Don't let you son see his dad, you have to protect your son if you don't who will tell work the problem and worry you have. Where are you I will look after him for you and help you be stronger against your X please please don't leave him with your X

Original poster

sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 09:32

Just spent an hour driving and thinking. All of the advice from Children's centre, children's services, nursery and my solicitor was that I can't stop contact as there isn't enough evidence.

I am going to stop asking ExH to have DS on Saturdays and see what his reaction is. After that I'll go back through my solicitor to see about stopping contact more formally :)

OP posts:

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