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Original poster

My son doesn't want to see his father - what do I do?

140 replies

sanityisamyth · 29/10/2016 08:29

After 10 years of marriage, my then husband started online dating when our son was just under a year old.

Our son is now 2 (3 at Christmas) and does not like going to see, or stay with, his father.

For about 8 months he has been saying "I don't like daddy", "don't make me see daddy" and running away from him when he sees him. Normally, people we meet he goes straight up to them and gives them a hug.

He's come back from ExH dirty and stinking of an unclean house, with severe nappy rash, with head injuries (which ExH can't/won't explain) and with other marks and bruises.

Nursery have called Children's Services as they were concerned how my son reacted to seeing his father when he picked him up.

I was driving home from a friend's house yesterday and explain to my son that he would be staying with daddy tonight, and he just started crying. He wasn't making lots of noise, just silent tears and trying to curl up into a ball (he couldn't as he was in his car seat). He curls up whenever he sees him. He looked very upset and depressed. He said he wanted to hold my hand and he just squeezed and squeezed it and wouldn't let go.

I am seriously concerned he's being neglected or worse when he's there and I don't know what to do.

I work full time and need someone to help me on Saturday mornings but I have no family to have him. Some friends have offered occasional help, but nothing I can really rely on. But my son's happiness and welfare need to come first.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 09:34

Thanks Tralaaa I'm in Somerset :)

OP posts:
Plsadvise · 30/10/2016 09:43

Good luck - let us know how it goes.

PoldarksBreeches · 30/10/2016 09:47

Ok, lots of confusion on this thread about what should happen and who should do it.
Firstly - children's services will not intervene for this, it wouldn't meet their criteria for intervention. That doesn't mean it's ok, it means they don't have the remit to work with low level neglect. However, the fact that they had a report from nursery is very good, it's triangulated evidence which will be helpful in court.
Secondly - you don't need to go to court to stop contact unless there is a prior order. As there isn't, you just need to tell him you're stopping contact. That means stopping the Saturday shifts right now.
He can then apply for contact if he wishes. Cafcass will assess the risks or benefits of contact to your child and make recommendations which a court will consider. Some parents will make his application, lots won't. Unless he has money for a solicitor he would have to represent himself.
Basically your first step is to inform father that you are stopping contact due to concerns about your son's presentation before and after contact. Then inform nursery that he doesn't have permission to pick him up (although you can't actually stop him in law without an order from the court)
It will be a massive struggle most likely but you have to do it.

Emeralda · 30/10/2016 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emeralda · 30/10/2016 10:04

Sorry, I cross-posted with Poldark and I may be adding to the confusion. I'm not a professional in this area, so probably best to get professional advice.
Flowers Good luck OP.

FoofFighter · 30/10/2016 10:18

Without a court order you absolutely CAN stop contact, the onus then is on the father to take court action to arrange contact.
Get this all logged with as many people as possible for if/when this happens as reports will be made for the court, should he apply.

Starlight2345 · 30/10/2016 16:58

I think you need to decide what is best for your DS here..

You might have to fight for him.. That is what been a parent is.

I do it on my own with no family support.. I am unable to do the job I am trained to do because of it been shiftwork..

You can do something inbetween. I used to do contact in soft play...DS was dropped at soft play. I collected him from soft play.. To be honest that was too much like hardwork for my Ex and it dropped off.

The one concern I would have in terms of allowing it to continue in legal terms is why are you allowing it to continue suggests it is acceptable to you.

You little boy is small for so long.. Your job is to protect him no matter who is harming him.

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 20:23

Kitty I've spent 10 years in the state sector and fed up with being sworn at by the pupils and having no support from other members of staff. I'm not going back into the sector again. I would quit teaching completely rather than do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
sanityisamyth · 30/10/2016 20:32

Mishaps I was thinking about Yorkshire as my father is up there but that's it and he's not brilliant with DS either.

Titchy I like that as a last resort. Hopefully he'll buy something along the lines of "DS has been invited to play with his friends on Saturday mornings whilst I'm teaching"

Poldark that's pretty much what they said. It would have to be worse or more frequent for them to do anything. Unless an agency told ExH that he couldn't see his son then he won't take any notice of me. He's just inherited £180,000 so he has money to burn. I don't :(

Starlight I like the idea of dropping him and collecting him from soft play. It's certainly not acceptable the state that DS gets into. I've told ExH that I'm concerned but he takes absolutely no notice of me and does nothing to reassure me. I am trying to protect him.

OP posts:
juneau · 31/10/2016 07:13

I don't think you're taking this very seriously OP. You talk about 'dropping him at soft play' as if that will be okay. You ex is clearly abusing/neglecting your DS. He's displaying extreme anguish at being sent to spend time with his father. He's come back with unexplained marks on him and a horrible case of nappy rash. You know full well that your ex is an abuser and a dangerous driver. What is going to take for you to take this seriously? Your DS being badly hurt? Your job is not more important than the safety of your DC. Getting him into private school when he's 11 is not more important than protecting him now!

I appreciate that your parents didn't do a great job of parenting you and you unfortunately chose to have a DC with an abusive man. But FFS you can do something to stop this cycle of abuse - stop sitting on the fence and playing the victim! If anyone (inc. my DC's father), laid a finger on either of them I would do whatever it took to keep them safe, including taking a less good job so I could be at home when they needed me so I didn't have to leave them with someone who was harming them. If you do nothing about this abuse then you're colluding in it.

neonrainbow · 31/10/2016 07:33

Ignore juneau, op. You've clearly said you have no support at all and you're struggling so having some internet bod telling you you're colluding in abuse is so far from helpful. Giving up her job isn't going to help at all is it, she's already said she's sorted saturday childcare.

Mix56 · 31/10/2016 07:41

Op is looking for advice & the smoothest path to avoid the father going to court & being LEGALLY allowed to have him & abuse him.
She is already worried & hurting for her child. The latest sign of distress from DS was on Friday.
Whatever happens about eventual job change, or finding Saturday help is not going to happen overnight. (particularly on a w/e) she is a single mother & needs an income.
Yes, She can just withdraw contact, but if it then results him to go to court it is a long term battle with very probably a very bad outcome..

lotsofdogshere · 31/10/2016 08:08

ignore juneau has already been said, but do ignore that post.
There has been good advice here and well informed comments about the way children's services would respond - that is they wouldn't. Children's services have always tried to avoid getting embroiled in private law/disputes about contact and residence (sorry I know those names have changed, is a child arrangements order now).
Thirty years ago a social work team advised a mum in similar circumstances to the OP to simply stop her child going to contact. Dad made an application, the cafcass (then divorce court welfare) worker read the sw records, interviewed both parents and dad had an order quickly for overnight stays. That's what this OP is trying to avoid.

Good luck with this.

Original poster
sanityisamyth · 31/10/2016 09:08

Thanks everyone. I am going to ignore juno. I do realise how serious it is and am trying to sort it out without any family to support me etc.

OP posts:
llangennith · 31/10/2016 09:17

Please stop using this vile man as childcare. If he wasn't the boy's father would you use such an evil man as a childminder? Poor little boy.

YorkieDorkie · 31/10/2016 09:38

Under no circumstances would I let my child go Sad your poor boy! I hope you can find a solution to childcare, his father is not able to look after him.

BratFarrarsPony · 31/10/2016 09:40

Sanity, you need to stop dwelling on your lack of family support.
Lots and lots of parents are in the same situation.
Sorry to sound harsh but this is how it is. It doesnt mean you have to send your son to a neglectful and possibly abusive father.

juneau · 31/10/2016 12:40

So handing a DC over to an abuser (while knowing you are doing so), isn't colluding in that abuse? I don't see how it isn't. I'm not trying to be controversial or bitchy or mean. I can see that the OP is in a difficult spot, but from what she's written she had handed her DS over willingly, simply in order to allow her to go to work in a job that requires Saturday work. Why does she work in that school, rather in one that functions Mon-Fri only? Because she doesn't like the abuse she suffered in her previous job. Am I the only one to note the irony in that?

neonrainbow · 31/10/2016 15:48

Yes you are just being bitchy. Got anything helpful to say or are you just here to stick the boot in?

Fourormore · 31/10/2016 19:56

I'm with Juneau. Sorry OP but it's a hard truth. Either your son is being seriously neglected and you're allowing it because you prefer this job over other Mon-Fri jobs or the neglect isn't that bad. No way in hell would I hand my children over to someone who was neglecting them. I'd quit my job and go on income support before that happened. You have choices here. Make the right choice.

neonrainbow · 31/10/2016 20:01

Oh yeah making herself unemployed is definitely going to help her son.

BratFarrarsPony · 31/10/2016 20:04

" Oh yeah making herself unemployed is definitely going to help her son. "

well yes in this case it obviously would.

Fourormore · 31/10/2016 20:04

I'm sorry, since when was being on benefits and providing proper care worse than allowing an abusive, neglectful parent have unsupervised contact?

Believeitornot · 31/10/2016 20:09

A part of me does agree with juno.

You need childcare, yes. But your son has to come first. Let your partner fight for him and log every single issue that arises. Take him to the GP for the unexplained bruises etc and explain that they happened when he was with his father.

Tell your ex that's what you are doing and you are withdrawing contact. Or suggest contact on neutral grounds.

I'm not an expert but I fail to see how you cannot confront your twat of an ex. I would be raging.

neonrainbow · 31/10/2016 20:10

Have any of you read the bit where she said she had sorted out childcare for saturdays and she's going to stop contact?

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