My son doesn't want to see his father - what do I do?

[sanityisamyth]

After 10 years of marriage, my then husband started online dating when our son was just under a year old.

Our son is now 2 (3 at Christmas) and does not like going to see, or stay with, his father.

For about 8 months he has been saying "I don't like daddy", "don't make me see daddy" and running away from him when he sees him. Normally, people we meet he goes straight up to them and gives them a hug.

He's come back from ExH dirty and stinking of an unclean house, with severe nappy rash, with head injuries (which ExH can't/won't explain) and with other marks and bruises.

Nursery have called Children's Services as they were concerned how my son reacted to seeing his father when he picked him up.

I was driving home from a friend's house yesterday and explain to my son that he would be staying with daddy tonight, and he just started crying. He wasn't making lots of noise, just silent tears and trying to curl up into a ball (he couldn't as he was in his car seat). He curls up whenever he sees him. He looked very upset and depressed. He said he wanted to hold my hand and he just squeezed and squeezed it and wouldn't let go.

I am seriously concerned he's being neglected or worse when he's there and I don't know what to do.

I work full time and need someone to help me on Saturday mornings but I have no family to have him. Some friends have offered occasional help, but nothing I can really rely on. But my son's happiness and welfare need to come first.

WWYD?

Sorry neon I missed that bit

OK good

There isn't a court order in place so surely you can stop contact until he goes through the courts to get it reinstated? Neglect and abuse are taken very seriously and you have a responsibility to protect your son. If you don't, who will?

Well... I'm a single parent, with an abusive ex and have not a single relative in the country... I am in total agreement with Juneau.

Being on your own is not an excuse to use an abuser as a babysitter, it is as simple as that. If ex is not interested in seeing him and DS is distraught at the idea let the things cool down, do not push for contact and above all, remove from your head the idea that society push into us that is always better for a child to have contact with both parents, that is only true when the child is not abused or neglected under their care.

It is true that you cannot stop contact without getting in a pickle in court (order or no order) and you really don't want to pick up a fight with someone with control issues. He will start hurting DS to score points on you, he can even get into the full legal battle with the single purpose of screwing you up. My ex fought for an order but refuses to see DS since he got it.

Considering what you say, it may be enough just to let things cool down. Do not ring him to ask when he wants to have him, let him do the leg work, I can assure you that after 6 months you will rarely hear from him.

Great you found a babysitter, anf hopefully the amount of contact will reduce soon but if the nursery contacts children services again and DS continues to be upset even after the time with dad is reduced. You go straight to court like a shot.

I completely agree with juneou too. This has gone on long enough op. I am glad you have found alternative childcare now, but you have made some pretty poor decisions for your child. I understand that you are on your own and you feel bullied by this man, but you are the only one your little ds has to protect him. This should never have been allowed to happen.

Your son comes first above anything else. Don't let that poor little soul down. He is obviously terrified and reading your posts has made me cry for him. Bless him. Do not let him have unsupervised contact with his father.

I have not suggested that the OP makes herself unemployed or that she goes on benefits. I have suggested that she takes a job in a school that doesn't require Sat work. That includes the vast majority of schools (inc. many independent ones, such as the one my DSs go to, which doesn't have anything except a few sports fixtures on Saturdays).

Apart from that I stand by everything I wrote and let's just say that I have good reason for taking a stand on this. You are the only one OP who is in a position to protect your DC. Please don't let him down. He's only two. He cannot defend himself. He needs YOU to do that.

I have sent the following message to my STBEH.

"A friend of mine has offered to have William on Saturday mornings whilst I'm at work which helps massively. I will amend the diary".

He will not like it and I will need a lot of support and helpful ideas if/when he replies.

He's replied:

"Those dates were arranged not just because you were working but also as my time to see William and I then arranged everything else around them. I am happy for him to go there after Christmas and I can arrange my dates around that."

What do I now say? I don't understand what he's arranged around them. I don't want to make this any more tense than it already is.

Help :(

you will have to say something like .....
'We will have to arrange contact some other way because he is not happy to spend time with you"

Yes just be honest. Say he seems anxious about going there.

Thanks :) I do just need to be honest with him but I've had 10 years of him trampling on every opinion and emotion I've had so I don't trust myself anymore.

I will send him something now and report back.

"We will arrange some other form of contact as DS isn't happy to spend time with you."

if he goes mad at you Sanity we are here to support you.

Thank BFP that's what I need most :)

Good luck op you're doing the right thing for your son.

Ok reply from him: DS is quite happy spending time with me and has a great time.

Reply from me: DS has been acting in increasingly concerning ways whenever you are mentioned. We will organise something else.

He's also getting arsey about the consent order but I can deal with that!

Thanks Neon :)

Is there anything I should, or shouldn't be saying?

I'm literally sat here shaking now. I hate every interaction I have to have with him :(

Ok now things are getting nastier. Help.

Reply from ExH

"He is perfectly happy when with me and is learning nowadays how he can get what he wants. When he is with me he doesn't want to go back to you it is how he is at the moment. Whether he is confused by it all or what I do not know. I will not be accepting any other form of contact."

My ex used to say that too Sanity...
Make a written list of the ways in which your DS was returned to you, of his behaviour post visit to dad, and of his injuries.
If possible do it diary style. Dates/times.

I don't think Ex is being honest. He's very manipulative and doesn't tell the truth.

How do I reply? Do I ignore it now? Do I reiterate that the arrangements need to change or do I go into the reasons? (Nappy rash, behaviour etc)

Right now just ignore.

I would simply stop keep answering ... He isn't going to like anything you are saying.

I do think you need legal advice on how to reduce contact...

Ok that's good. I'm now doing that.

I need to e-mail my solicitor tomorrow about the divorce tomorrow so will include it in the e-mail to her.

Thanks everyone :)