Ex is asking for child maintenance, where do I stand?

[MrRyan88]

My ex and I have been separated for over 5 years and I have had my daughter age 6 religiously from Thursday to Saturday night every week for the past 5 years. I also take her on holidays and weekend trips every couple of months so have her for longer periods of time occasionally.

I used to send my ex money every week via bank transfer, then I stopped. Not because I am a bad dad, instead I offered to pay for school trips, after school clubs and out of school activities.. split between us.
I stopped sending her money because all I see day in day out is pictures of my daughter at the pub with her mum, pictures of her mum drunk whilst my daughter is in her care, I did warn my ex that this would happen.

I buy everything my daughter needs, she has a separate school uniform for when she's with me, I put a car on the road so my mum could take my daughter to school the car isn't used for anything else because I have a company van.

I have never asked for her mother to send anything to mine with my daughter as I provide everything she need's for every day she is with me and for any trips away abroad or in the UK.

Now my ex is asking for contributions to her winter wardrobe at home and I don't feel this is right as she gets child tax credit and child benefit for my daughter and doesn't provide anything for the 3 days my daughter is with me. She doesn't work, is on benefits and has another child whose father isn't around.

Just wanted to see what other people's view on this was as I believe I contribute in any way I can and have made it as fair as I can in the way of splitting child costs.

The law is not on your side here.

You have to pay the minimum CSM contribution, which is reduced for number of nights not days, so you would be reducing by 2/7th.

Google CSM calculator, this is the MINIMUM expected.

You have to consider the payment as for your daughter, not your ex, block her from FB, you will torture yourself watching her life.

If you really are concerned about your daughters care then you need to contact SS.

It's not about how you got on when you were together.

It's about how you are STILL trying to control her now you are separated.

You don't get to stop paying because you don't like her lifestyle. Just pay the child support you should .

You are selfish and self centred because you expect me and every tax payer to pay via benefits for all the essentials of your child. While you get to act like Mr Big SHot and pretend you are Father or the Year with your £200 a month savings

Look, no one here knows you or your Ex but you're better doing things properly.

There is an online child maintenance calculator www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

If you have genuine concerns about your daughter's welfare report to SS.

Good luck

Does the mother give him his share of child benefit for the days he has the child?
Does my head in all this poor single mum business. The creation of second child she can't afford is not the OP's fault . People telling the OP he should have worn a condom etc is fine , but the female should have kept her legs together!
The Dad is not always the baddie. Buy her some Winter stuff, but don't be handing over more money for the 'mother' to piss up the wall

I'm sorry she was violent to you

You started the thread to ask where you stood on CM. That's been answered - pay at least the CSA amount.

I think everyone is being really harsh. My ex is doesn't give me a penny and hasn't since the day I walked out. Instead he insure our daughter has what she needs when she's with him.

If this mother can afford booze nails and fags she can afford a good coat, jumpers and boots for her child too.

Don't give her money ensure your child is warm (maybe buy her a good coat oif mother won't) but save for her future and the time you have together.

You leave your daughter living with a controlling violent alcoholic who gets pissed around your dd and takes her to the pub?

And you're whinging about money?

Get to court ffs.

Child benefit is never split - it goes to one parent, usually the one with the majority of the care.

The mother's other child (who may be older or younger) has nothing to do with the OP; he needs to pay the calculated maintenance whether his ex has one or ten kids and £1 or £1m in the bank.

Dear Daughter,

I'm sorry you didn't have a winter coat that fitted/didn't have holes when you were at primary school and your shoes were battered so all the other kids made fun of you. So sorry you witnessed a stressed and fraught relationship between me and your mum as we argued about money just for the point (because we hated each other) of it rather than taking care of your wellbeing as the number one priority. But here's the money I saved up for you instead, to make up for it.

Love Dad

Dear Dad

Fuck you. Go to hell.

Love Daughter.

That's how I see this turning out when she is 18. Slightly from personal experience there too. Your daughter will judge you. You better do the right thing now or pay for it later when she cuts contact.

I think some posters here are being incredibly harsh.

I know it is difficult OP, but you really can't do anything about what your ex does when she is with your DD, unless of course you think it is bad enough that you need to take her to court to get residency.

I think you have two options, pay a proportion of maintenance to your ex based on nights you have dd, or suggest to her that you have your dd more often. The deciding factor in this decision should be what is best for your daughter though, not cheapest for you. If things at her mum's house are as bad as you describe, personally I'd go with option two.

I agree that saving at the cost of present comfort does not make sense, though.

It's always the same story, isn't it.

I think you should block your ex on Facebook and stop worrying about what she's posting on there. Everyone knows Facebook is full of nonsense. If my ex looked on my Facebook when we split up I'm sure he'd think I was out in the pub every night when in reality it was once a week and just a lot of exaggeration and banter inbetween because I was a lonely single mum trying to seem sociable. Sometimes I would even post I was in the pub or out when I was sat at home in my pjs! Your ex is entitled to a life too. She has several nights a week without your dd and as long as she provides good childcare and is a good parent when dd is with her what is the problem?

If you are genuinely worried about the welfare of your child when in her care then you need to contact social services and they will investigate.

As others have said you can't refuse to pay maintenance on this basis. If you're genuinely worried about how good a parent your ex is then you need to be going for full residency.

Buying stuff for your dd and paying money into a savings account is not the same as contributing towards the daily living costs your ex has to make for your dd.

She will cut contact WELL before she's 18. By the time she's a teenager, she will know that her mum is struggling to pay for the basics because you are screwing over her and her mum .

" come to mine because I have lots of toys and games and two cars " will ony work for a while while she's younger

Teens are not stupid.

And neither are most Mumsnetters . We are tired of feckless non resident parents boasting about how they don't support their own kids and expect the tax payer to do it because they don't like that they can't control their ex anymore.

"How dare she get her nails done/ go for a night out - I never allowed that when I was in change of her, I'll punish the bitch now blah blah blah "

And all the " I'll hand DD some money when she's 18" will never happen and we all know it. Because , guess what, you then won't approve of your Dds lifestyle either.

" I won't give her it now because she'll just go to the pub and piss it up the wall / get her nails done . I'll just hold the promise of it over her head as a way of controlling her "

Just pay the money for your child.

Thank you all for your help advice and abuse . Majority decision by the board be that I opt to have my daughter more. Today I will start compiling all my evidence and will be taking her to court for full custody.

Thank you all

Just go through the official channels.

Out of interest the online calculator shows that for someone with no other children and an income before tax of £500 per week would pay £43 support weekly.

(If your daughter is with you 2/3 nights a week. Which she is.)

Assume you will be paying the CSA minimum at least until the court decision?

Ideally for your DD's sake, but if not, at least to make you look good to the judge.

You need to stop slagging off your ex. It's not condusive to your relationship. You should pay her maintenance, because you child is in her care must days of the year. Can you gather round a table and decide how much is fair? Arm yourself with what csa would ask, and try and give a bit more than the minimum if possible. It's important to keep good relations with the mum.

If you think your child is in danger then look at the SS option but don't start causing waves because she goes to the pub, cinema or nail salon. It's up to her how she spends the money. You wouldn't like it if she put a microscope to your spending.

Money away is a nice idea but it's better to live in the moment, who knows what tomorrow will bring. You might decide to just spend the cash you are saving for her for example. And she might not be your only child, so will you open accounts for your other children to the same amount?

Anyway, good luck!

"Compiling evidence"? Do you mean stalking the child's Mother some more on facebook? You are coming across very bitter that she has a life without you, you are witholding money for your daughter to punish her Mum.

You don't HAVE to keep a car on the road just for one day a week, you could pay for a taxi for them, or the bus.

You can't go to court with 'my ex is neglecting our child by going to the pub and getting her nails done' when you are neglecting your child by not paying maintenance. No court/judge/solicitor is going to look favourably on you for that. You have no moral high ground here to take. You're as bad as each other.

Op. Have you reported her to children's services?

Would you like your daughter with you for more days?

If she's always out in the pub/partying then I can understand how you are feeling. There's obviously money available. If you gave her more then it's not likely to end up bettering your dd!

But why hasn't she applied to the CMA?

From the OP and despite the title, the mother isn't actually asking for CM but for a contribution to winter clothes. It's unclear when the OP stopped paying a weekly amount.

Oh, great plan OP. Best ask your mum if she minds doing all the childcare extra days too, since you apparently don't have the time to take your DD to and from school...

I'm going against the grain here, you have her three nights a week standard and also other nights, so I'm guessing that you have her roughly 3.5 nights a week on average. Why would this parent need to contribute to the other? His ex is capable of working in the time that he cares for his daughter. It's not his responsibility to sort childcare for the other child. The fact his mum helps him so he can work is irrelevant, just as any help she received is to him.
She also made the decision to have her two children and it doesn't sound like the money would be spent housing and looking after his child, so I can understand why he is reluctant to hand over money which is more than the legal minimum.
She is of course, entitled to have a life outside of the children and I can imagine being a single parent is soul destroying at times, but what you are describing sounds irresponsible and selfish behaviour on her part. Of course it's difficult to judge anything without hearing from the other side but personally I can understand where you are coming from. DP has been in a very similar situation with his ex.
The problem you have with the CMS IME is that they will take her word without any evidence how much time you have your child. So if she says you don't, they won't calculate with shared care. I have found them virtually impossible to deal with and they haven't followed their own procedures in DPs case. I have had to help DP as he didn't understand how it's all calculated and that they had it drastically wrong. We had to put in a complaint for anything to get looked at after months of stress and banging heads against brick walls whilst being pregnant and having a new baby.
That was January. Admittedly they changed the amount quite quickly, but the other complaints we still haven't heard anything from 8 months later. I do wonder how many people are paying child maintenance at a completely wrong rate and just accept it.

As you can imagine I'm not sharing a full story as usually I keep everything to myself . I was never controlling I was always the one staying home while she went out on nights out I honestly couldn't give a damn that she has a life without me I'm not bitter. I have a life without her a wonderful partner that I would go the lengths and bredthe of the earth for we're both very happy . I'm going to contact csa today to arrange payments I like to go the correct route I'm still not going to hand over cash. As evidence is concerned in the last month I've seen and heard from daughter's own mouth things that have happened recently . Which is more than enough to back me in court. Witness statements and police reports are more than I actually need . But thank you all for assuming I'm the world's worst dad obviously most poster are scorned . I asked for advice not an ear bashing by the WI 😂