Ex is asking for child maintenance, where do I stand?

[MrRyan88]

My ex and I have been separated for over 5 years and I have had my daughter age 6 religiously from Thursday to Saturday night every week for the past 5 years. I also take her on holidays and weekend trips every couple of months so have her for longer periods of time occasionally.

I used to send my ex money every week via bank transfer, then I stopped. Not because I am a bad dad, instead I offered to pay for school trips, after school clubs and out of school activities.. split between us.
I stopped sending her money because all I see day in day out is pictures of my daughter at the pub with her mum, pictures of her mum drunk whilst my daughter is in her care, I did warn my ex that this would happen.

I buy everything my daughter needs, she has a separate school uniform for when she's with me, I put a car on the road so my mum could take my daughter to school the car isn't used for anything else because I have a company van.

I have never asked for her mother to send anything to mine with my daughter as I provide everything she need's for every day she is with me and for any trips away abroad or in the UK.

Now my ex is asking for contributions to her winter wardrobe at home and I don't feel this is right as she gets child tax credit and child benefit for my daughter and doesn't provide anything for the 3 days my daughter is with me. She doesn't work, is on benefits and has another child whose father isn't around.

Just wanted to see what other people's view on this was as I believe I contribute in any way I can and have made it as fair as I can in the way of splitting child costs.

[JacquettaWoodville]

MumOf, he isn't handing over even the legal minimum at present.

He can put his nights into the CSA calculator and find out what he owes. Otherwise one day soon the mother will

[JacquettaWoodville]

...do the same

[JacquettaWoodville]

And you were given advice. To pay at least the CSA amount and to look to change residency if you were concerned about your DD's wellbeing. Despite your charming sarcasm, I see you are now doing both of those things: good.

[MumOfTwoMasterOfNone]

I've actually misunderstood the number of nights you have care. If you don't have her half the time, you should be paying her some maintenance. I can understand why it's hard when you see what you believe to be an inappropriate lifestyle and situation for your child, but you do need to contribute to your child legally. How your ex spends it is up to her. As you are having her all Saturday anyway, could you not arrange to have her Saturday night as well? That way it's another night with your influence and reduced maintenance?
You have done the right thing by contacting someone, but unfortunately there are children in much worse situations that require social services input.

[Kr1stina]

Indeed OP, it must be hard when women don't agree with you

[JacquettaWoodville]

Well said, Mumof.

If you like to go the correct route, OP, why haven't you used CSA for the last five years, I wonder?

Hope the court case gives the best and safest outcome for your DD.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

If she was to go to the CSA or if you do start paying her maintenance through a private agreement, you shouldn't then have to go halves towards the other things you currently go halves on as the maintenance is your contribution. You have your DD for 3 night a week, so you need enough money to provide for her for when she is with you.

[MrRyan88]

Sorry about the sarcasm it's hard to keep a cool head when I ask for advice because I too do struggle and to be called controlling feckless etc etc is quite unnecessary when I'm trying to be a good father to my child dispute not giving her mother and money to fund her exentric party lifestyle . She has money we all know this . I just don't quite understand how me who works stupid hours for crap pay have to keep a house going a car running etc etc has to pay someone who doesn't work doesn't have to pay rent council tax or anything . People are moaning because the tax payer are keeping her a float just remember I'm also a taxpayer . She gets easily in excess of 26thousand a year in benefits it makes me sick . She's get's just under double what I earn in a year and I'm supposed to give her money 😂

[AyeAmarok]

[HuckfromScandal]

Oh jeez
Pay for your child
Or get custody
But knowing she lives in poor surrounding for 5 days a week, and then moaning that you need to run a car doesn't make you sound like a good dd, it's makes you sound like an arsehole.

[JacquettaWoodville]

That's all irrelevant. Maintenance is for your child and is based on your salary and the number of nights you have the child. You owe the same whether she warns nothing or £1m a year. Hence the criticism of you not paying this money for your child, using the excuse that your ex can afford,booze and nails.

HTH

[stitchglitched]

If she gets in excess of 26,000 per year then she must be exempt from the benefits cap which will only happen though disability or her working. Is either of these the case?

[JacquettaWoodville]

Earns, not warns

[MrRyan88]

From what I gather she's claiming disability due to anxiety ....

[Nakupenda]

Imagine splitting up with someone who was violent and aggressive towards you, and having to pay them money when you provide your own child with everything they need?
What a slap in the face.

Double standards, OP. That's basically Mumsnets mantra!

FWIW, I wouldn't pay any money to someone who was violent to me & drinking all the time. Surely she could sacrifice a nail appointment to buy a winter coat?

Ask for more days. Make the split 50/50 because unfortunately as it stands you're legally bound to pay her the minimum (although some fathers get away with paying fuck all their entire lives, dunno how).

Are you applying for full custody? I would be.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

Yes it's that easy to claim disability

[stitchglitched]

Ok so you are slagging her off for not working but she is actually not well enough to work.

[imwithspud]

The creation of second child she can't afford is not the OP's fault .

Well he did help make that child and chances are he knew the circumstances before doing so, so yes it is partly his fault

If she's getting almost double what you earn in a year, and you're doing 70hours a week for what? £13-15k? Then you need to find a better job that pays at least minimum wage. That's not your partners problem and what she allegedly gets in benefits is irrelevant. I'm also amazed that you manage to put £200 a month away on such low wages.

Pay the maintenance, if you're going for custody then this will set you in good stead and increase your chances. Although I would suggest looking for better paying work as you will struggle even more looking after a child full time on your current salary.

Also remove your ex from Facebook as this is just adding to the toxicity of your relationship and this will have a knock on effect on dd.

Oh and get rid of the car, if it's only being used once a week for school then it will be far cheaper to get a taxi or bus.

[Soubriquet]

I'm not surprised she has anxiety if she has to deal with you

Your maintenance money doesn't just pay for things for your daughter

It keeps a roof over her head.
It keeps her warm and dry
It keeps her fed

Your ex is using her own money to do her hair, nails and having a couple of drinks

Stop moaning about it. You need to man up and pay what you owe

[IzzyIsBusy]

So she is violent.
Aggressive.
Alcoholic.

Yet you leave your daughter in her care and think the way to stop the above behaviour is to stop the money YOU should pay for your child.....ok then

You ex should do it through cms.

[imwithspud]

You don't just fill in a form and boom there's your disability payment, you have to actually prove it, get doctors notes, attend assessments etc. If she's claiming for anxiety then it must be very severe. It's more likely that she's having health issues which you aren't aware of and don't need to be aware of because her personal health is non of your business.

[JacquettaWoodville]

Who knows whether she can "afford" the second child - she may receive CM for that child, of course. Regardless, she hasn't asked OP to contribute to that child's welfare.

[Proseccocino]

Ryan, in your situation I would buy the actual winter clothes myself and hand them over. That was you know your daughter won't go without and the money won't be spent on your ex's lifestyle. Could that be an option?

[expatinscotland]

Hop on over to the Media Request topic. C5 are looking for someone just like you, OP.

[JacquettaWoodville]

And what spud said re benefits.