Ex is asking for child maintenance, where do I stand?

[MrRyan88]

My ex and I have been separated for over 5 years and I have had my daughter age 6 religiously from Thursday to Saturday night every week for the past 5 years. I also take her on holidays and weekend trips every couple of months so have her for longer periods of time occasionally.

I used to send my ex money every week via bank transfer, then I stopped. Not because I am a bad dad, instead I offered to pay for school trips, after school clubs and out of school activities.. split between us.
I stopped sending her money because all I see day in day out is pictures of my daughter at the pub with her mum, pictures of her mum drunk whilst my daughter is in her care, I did warn my ex that this would happen.

I buy everything my daughter needs, she has a separate school uniform for when she's with me, I put a car on the road so my mum could take my daughter to school the car isn't used for anything else because I have a company van.

I have never asked for her mother to send anything to mine with my daughter as I provide everything she need's for every day she is with me and for any trips away abroad or in the UK.

Now my ex is asking for contributions to her winter wardrobe at home and I don't feel this is right as she gets child tax credit and child benefit for my daughter and doesn't provide anything for the 3 days my daughter is with me. She doesn't work, is on benefits and has another child whose father isn't around.

Just wanted to see what other people's view on this was as I believe I contribute in any way I can and have made it as fair as I can in the way of splitting child costs.

[Kr1stina]

You work 70 hours a week, earn 13k a year, run a car as well as a work van and save £200 a month .

That's unbelievable .

I wonder how you are going to manage full time childcare for your child 13 weeks a year during school holiday ?

and a nanny / childminder for the 45 hours a week you work while she's not in the school during term time?

I don't know how to break this to you, but you are not the first non resident parent who has decided not to pay child care " because he's going to go for 100% residence " at some time in the future.

It's a bit like " the dog ate my homework " . Everyone who says it thinks they are terribly original but no ones believes them .

[Fairylea]

You do realise it's practically impossible to claim disability benefit for anxiety don't you? She must have substantial evidence in the form of medical reports and medication in order to be able to claim. My son is on the highest rate of dla and believe me it is not easy to claim. Not at all.

Also, her income is as it is because if she has 2 children and has such bad anxiety that she is claiming disability living allowance for it then her situation is more difficult than yours, isn't it? You have a partner, you don't have a disability, you don't have your daughter full time. You can change your situation more easily than she can.

I think you have some rather weird rose tinted glasses on about what it's like to be a single parent.

[Kr1stina]

BTW I've Pmed you expat

[AyeAmarok]

You work 70 hours a week and earn less than ~13k?

Wow. That's not even legal.

Fuck knows how you're going to manage to pay childcare when you have your DD full time on that salary.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

Double standards, OP. That's basically Mumsnets mantra!

Not double standards, it's just a lot of us, according to our exs, are terrible parents who spend all the millions they pay us in child support on ourselves and are abusive and neglectful etc.

It's the same story over and over and over again, usually it's just an excuse to not pay for their child, to use money as control their ex and to gain sympathy from others.

[Nakupenda]

It's not always the same story. We don't know the actual truth, we never do when people post anonymously on the internet so you kind of have to take what people say at face value.

If he is genuine (although after reading his last post which I didn't previously, I'm not so sure...) then I'd also be irked at having to pay money to an abusive ex who pisses their life away at a pub.

That being said, OP, some stuff isn't adding up and I'm beginning to doubt you?

If she has such severe anxiety that she got DLA, I severely doubt she would be spending every last minute in the pub - so either you're just assuming she gets DLA or you're lying about her being in the pub.

Also, your maths doesn't add up. You must be earning below min. wage and therefore couldn't afford everything you say you pay for?

I'm checking out of this one because I originally gave OP the BOTD but now I'm doubting him/myself.

[JacquettaWoodville]

Fair enough naku

I think a female NRP would be advised the same ie pay at least CSA minimum and pursue custody as a separate issue.

Mind, I've never seen a female NRP moan about her ex spending all his money at the pub and on hair gel whilst on benefits in their first post

[Lessthanaballpark]

Here is what I don't understand about CM. If the NRP is supposed to pay £70 a week (so based on post tax income of £24K and the current CM rate of 15%) but has the child 3 nights a week so pays the discounted amount of £40. Still the NRP has to pay the RP £40 despite to RP having the child only one extra day.

Is this based on the assumption that the child's clothes should be paid for by the RP? But that is so often not the case on MN as there seems to be no standard for who buys the clothes and "things" that travel between houses.

Sorry to derail OP. I'm just interested in finding a solution. I do think it's hard for you to not be able to ensure your money goes towards your DD's upkeep but at the same time your situation of a 70 hour week for 13k sounds like you're not telling us everything.

[darthmaul]

So really, OP is self-employed as some kind of trades man, is paying himself the minimum wage to minimise tax, and to sob about low income and hundreds of hours, claims his works van to expenses, then gets his cosy dividends at the end of the year and nice big business bank account to claim expenses from as required. Am I right OP? Or if business is so bad OP, why not chuck it in and work at tesco? 70 hours per week you'd do ok.

[Lunar1]

If your ex is drunk all the time your dd would be better off with you. Do you have the option of cutting your hours and working round her schooling?

[Summer1979]

1. She needs to block you from her social media accounts, that stuff is none of your business
   
2. Be a man, pay your fair share, look after your child
   
   I feel so sorry for your child, £200 won't cover half of the rent/ food bill/ water/ electricity. So incredibly selfish.

[Shockedbyfolk]

I am absolutely shocked and disgusted by some of the responses to this post... if this was a female posting most of you would be calling the Father a deadbeat dad but because it's a woman... it's different!!

ANY parent (mother or father) who puts socialising, drinking alcohol and socialising before their childs needs should have the child taken from them. This man is trying to do the best he can for his daughter in a terrible situation.... he buys EVERYTHING his daughter needs while she is with him and also keeps a house and pays bills... he works for a living and provides stability for his daughter, much more than the mother seems to be doing!!

OP, as some folk have mentioned already, I would suggest you apply for full custody of your childs mother, go through the appropriate channels and do it as quickly as you can. The more time your Daughter spends with her mother more time she has to accept the neglect....

Good luck and please keep us informed...

I was a single mother for a few years and have always had an amicable relationship with my Daughters father because he has always had her best interest at heart and that means so much more to me than money!! She has grown up with the love of 2 parents who have provided her with security and stability....

[Shockedbyfolk]

I am absolutely shocked and disgusted by some of the responses to this post... if this was a female posting most of you would be calling the Father a deadbeat dad but because it's a woman... it's different!!

ANY parent (mother or father) who puts socialising, drinking alcohol and paying for luxury for themselves before their childs needs should have the child taken from them. This man is trying to do the best he can for his daughter in a terrible situation.... he buys EVERYTHING his daughter needs while she is with him and also keeps a house and pays bills... he works for a living and provides stability for his daughter, much more than the mother seems to be doing!!

OP, as some folk have mentioned already, I would suggest you apply for full custody of your child, go through the appropriate channels and do it as quickly as you can. The more time your Daughter spends with her mother more time she has to accept the neglect....

Good luck and please keep us informed...

I was a single mother for a few years and have always had an amicable relationship with my Daughters father because he has always had her best interest at heart and that means so much more to me than money!! She has grown up with the love of 2 parents who have provided her with security and stability....

[Kr1stina]

Hello shocked by folk and welcome to Mumsnet .

[imwithspud]

I am absolutely shocked and disgusted by some of the responses to this post... if this was a female posting most of you would be calling the Father a deadbeat dad but because it's a woman... it's different!!

Yeah, of course

[Babasaclover]

Sounds like you are doing more than most fathers!

If I were you I'd ask for invoices and then split the cost or better yet take your daughter to buy specific things from a list from the mother, then you know it can't be spent on booze. She sounds awful By the way!

[imwithspud]

Sounds like you are doing more than most fathers!

Really? That's kind of patronising. You're not giving fathers as a whole enough credit if your standards are so low as to think op is doing 'more than most'.

To me it sounds like someone who wants to give the impression of being a good father rather than actually being a good father. It's clear from his posts that he begrudges his ex having any sort of life as a lone parent.

[dogloverxoxo]

Wow there are some entitled selfish psycho women out there!! OP get custody.. GL x

[GinAndSonic]

Pay the sodding maintenance.
I'm a bit fucking sensitive to this atm as my ex has just been told his payments are raising from 170pm for two kids to 220 amd he's threatening to quit his job rather than pay. Maintenance is nowhere near half the cost of raising a child, paying for food, utilities, rent, clothes etc. What good is a full savings account at 18years old if she's felt embarrassed at wearing charity shop clothes and eating beans on toast every night because her dad decided he didn't like the way her mother was possibly spending the maintenance money? No fucking good at all. Pay it, and if she pissed it up the wall at least you will know you did the right thing, if she (as most mothers do) uses it for the bills associated with being a parent, even better. Don't hide behind a savings account.

[TheGruffaloMother]

OK, stripping your obvious exaggerations back, it sounds like you've currently got something approaching 50:50 care, though not quite. What does the calculator say you should be paying to your ex? You should pay that. It's a minimum. And one your child will feel the difference of if you choose not to pay it by the sounds of things.

I do have to ask though, if you think your ex is such a scum, why has it taken 5 years and a nudge from the opinionated parents in your computer for you to decide to go for residency? You will be asked why you think your child is at risk and why you're only doing this now.

In the kindest way possible, I suspect that a big chunk of what you've said here is born of resentment rather than concern for your child. Not all, but a lot. Getting her nails done is nothing to do with you or your money. And if you're working 70 hour weeks to get half of what she gets on her conveniently high benefits, and managing to keep a car on the road to be used exclusively for the school run 4 days a months and also putting aside £200 for a big grand gesture, I'll eat my couch.

Do yourself a favour and delete her from your Facebook. And set up the standing order for what must be quite a small amount of maintenance. And spend the £200 a month on things your DD needs. It's her you should be focused on, not your ex.

[TheGruffaloMother]

One thing that did get up my nose about your post is this Jeremy Kyle notion that a savings account is somehow an adequate substitution for maintenance. It isn't. It doesn't maintain your child. If anything it's a mechanism of withholding money from your child. A savings account is fine as an extra but it's not a substitute... Your child isn't going to wait until she's 18 before she needs to eat meals and wear clothes and keep warm and clean.

[StripeyMonkey1]

Ignore the abuse.

Go for shared care or even for primary residency if you think that is best for your daughter. If not, then you need to pay your ex what the CSA requires as a matter of law, right or wrong. Beyond that you should do what you think is right for your daughter.

Personally I'd buy things that your daughter needs and give her lovely experiences with you in the situation you describe, but out of love for your daughter and never to be competitive with your ex. Also remember that your ex is your daughter's mother and someone who your daughter will always love - as she will you.

[emilywemily]

Love MN fucking double standards

[applesvpears]

Hang on a minute, does OP only have the child one day less than then ex?

Surely then that one day costs he should pay for, but nothing more. It is almost split custody, accept he is working his arse off and she is living it up in the pub and nail bar.