Number 2 Thread When You Are Fed Up With The Solitary Burden Of Single Parentdom

[Solo]

Happy New Year and Happy New Thread to all the single parents looking for a place to rant, rave, moan, share the highs and the lows and chat with people that know! It is the second thread and probably a slow one if the first is anything to go by, but it's here when we need it.

LINK TO THE FIRST THREAD

hello all! I've only just found this thread so I thought I'd pop in to say hi

hi can i join you ladies - Im a single mum (donor ivf) so no exh to worry about but also no time without DS (5)

Warm- you are an inspiration - I have all these ideas but never seems to be so good in practice!

We are good at holidays/ weekends just the 2 of us (download box sets to laptop/ kindle to watch while he's asleep) or other activities - its the day to day grind (school, clubs, homework) and juggling work (travel etc) that I struggle with

Any tips to keep smiling (and stop being a grumpy mummy!)

It's lovely not to feel like I'm the oldest single Mum around! Now I can see that there are many more of us! Shame we don't all live near one another or at least within a few miles.

Flower I too am waiting for Dd to be 18...by then, I will be almost 61 and probably able to retire, buy my motorhome and travel around our beautiful country. If we are all still on friendly terms, I will be dropping by to meet you all

My story is that Ds's father didn't want to be a dad again at 37 so left me with bump, but he went on to have another child when he was 43 .
Dd's father cheated for 4 years...no wonder he wouldn't commit! He's going to be 59 this year.

Welcome Iron dive in! Don't stand on ceremony :) the more the merrier. We don't discriminate with age, wealth, health or anything else really; the only thing you ought to be is a single parent that is fed up :) and even that is flexible!

A motorhome sounds a fun idea Solo.

I thought about buying a park home although I am not sure what with. That way you get a bit of community and the bills are cheap....

I would like to move back to the south of England again when ds leaves home so I will keep playing the Lotto.....!

Thanks lokijet - I should probably point out that I don't actually know how to code, but glad that you think it's a good idea!

I watched a programme on All 4 last night while folding laundry (that's how rock'n'roll my life is) in which a single mum and her sweet little boy commissioned and had built a "tiny home" in which they were going to travel around the US. It's kind of appealing but I wonder how isolating such a transient life is? On the other hand, we're all quite isolated as single parents in our little homes anyway, so what's the difference?

Hope everyone is getting through the week okay.

Went for a job interview yesterday and sat staring at the phone to see if it rings. They told me they would let me know today. Its so stressful all the changes and I have realised how lonely I am in my own company.

I am a little younger than you (32) but feel really, really old in the last few weeks. I know its because I am so upset over the split and worry because of finances/moving/juggling everything but I feel ancient, and like my life is over. DS1 and DD (14 and 7) are winding each other up which usually ends up in tears.

The motor home sounds lovely solo

Welcome to all the new faces :)

Yes, it is isolating and lonely isn't it? I kind of feel as though it's now just what I do...I can't really remember a time that my life was any different to this.
I've just put the bins out for the morning and was close to tears. It was just a few moments thinking that I'm sick of having to do it...Ds should be helping, he should be looking for work but he's not and I get not a penny for him now. I am just about coping because I don't earn enough so get some tax credits...but come August, I'll have to pay full whack for council tax as Ds turns 18, so that'll be another £35 ish a month I'll have to dole out just on that. Feeling a bit down tonight.

Isabella did you get the call you were hoping for? Fingers crossed!

Warm I'm just going to watch that on iplayer. Thank you!

anj happy birthday for yesterday!

I'm 41. This thread goes to show lp's aren't all teenage mums doesn't It.

I think I read somewhere (Tanya Gold article on single motherhood http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2011/aug/19/single-mothers-uk-riots-tanya-gold) that the average age of the single mother in the UK is 37, and that 55% of us had our children within marriage (fwiw). So I'm not really surprised that most of us are older, despite the 'teenage single mum' stereotype.

Happy birthday Anjelika. Did you do anything nice for it?

Skat73 so sorry to read your story about being left with a 6-month old at 40...an now your XH has a baby with a 30-year-old...charming. Do you think he will stick it out longer than 6 months this time? That must have been really painful for you, I'm so sorry.

isabella do you think things might get better once you're over the shock of the split? I think quite a few single mothers report that things calm down and hit an even keel after about a year. That's when you start to realise how peaceful life can be without a moody / mardy / abusive / unfaithful XH. (Apologies to any readers left single by widowhood, I realise that doesn't apply in your case.)

changeoflife that's a good idea about the gingerbread group...I wonder whether you're allowed to specify who the group is for? I would like my imaginary group to only be for older single mothers and definitely NOT for any single fathers (because 99% of them are the NRP and I don't want Disney Dads in my group, thanks!). I did wonder about starting a group for single mothers with my local NCT but then of course you'd just get all the women with babies and as that's not where I'm at any more (thank the goddess) I don't think that's quite the right avenue, sadly.

solo I'm sorry to hear about your bin-based tearfest! That sounds really grim tbh, and I can't imagine what it is like to live with a teenage boy. Is he good to you or do you clash a lot?

What a giant missive! I had better get on with the day. I'm so glad I checked back into this thread though: it's great to connect with other single mums, even if it is only in a screen-based way!

Ooops! I meant to wish anj a happy birthday yesterday! I hope it was lovely Anj

Ds and I do clash a bit, but we do love one another and he gives great hugs. I've been trying to get him out of bed for nearly 2 hours...
Doc wants me to go back in 2 weeks to check on the mole.

I'm off to work shortly. Have a great afternoon all :) and that fantasy app/group sounds fab!

Hi again. Had huge phone and internet issues so hadn't posted again since my first one! Hi Angelika - I think it was you with similar older one plus twins?
I have a scooter too! Makes keeping up with the kids much easier and yes, just have to ignore the 'crazy woman' looks!!
I'm 42 so an older mum too. Although funnily enough I don't feel old at the school gates as most are my age with only a few younger. Hadn't planned on leaving it so long - started trying at age 29 but it took 5yrs and lots of IVF to get amazing dd :)

Hi and thanks for the birthday wishes. I took the day off work and my DCs are all school age so I had a nice time just pleasing myself until 3.30! It was my first birthday as a lone parent so a little strange in that there was no-one to organise a card or present from the children (I did buy myself a jumper and got the eldest to wrap it on Sunday, more for them than me really!) and I spent the evening with an M&S meal for one. Next year I might make the effort to go out but tbh I'm not all that bothered.

warm I like your imaginary group - can I join? I had a bit of an email exchange with someone local to me a few years ago who had advertised in the local freebie mag that she wanted to set up a group for single mums in the area aged 25-35. At the time I was over 40 and looking down the barrel of becoming a lone parent so emailed her to say I was a bit affronted by her putting an age limit on entry to the group. Rather than backing down, she made no bones about the fact she thought she'd have much more in common with people her own age. Just telling the story because, although I would love to be part of a group for older mums, I wouldn't want to exclude other younger mums and make them feel as sh**ty as this woman made me feel at the time! You are right about the Disney Dads though - that's what puts me off going to any of the local Meetup events for single parents. There are an awful lot of men on there.

Sorry things are hard at the moment solo - are you getting any support from Connexions for your DS?

Haven't had the call yet, but have been offered an even better job today so I am feeling quite upbeat again. I am going to try and manage my anxiety and am going to explore some CBT options.

Sounds like a lovely birthday anjelika

Thanks for the words of advice warm. Not a widow but still coming to terms with the split because it was completely unexpected. I think for me the main issue is that all the plans and things we talked about (I was a SAHM/Carer for our severely disabled son) have all completely vanished and while XH gets to walk away without anything to tie him down, I have to try and repair our lives, plus find a way of supporting us. My sadness is slowly turning to anger and annoyance which is a much easier emotion to deal with.

Anyone got plans for half term?

Hey Lala nice to see you again :)

Yes I can see that you couldn't discriminate against any age group...I actually saw an ad for a 'social group' in my area that was particularly asking for single women. It then transpired that it was for older people - which left me feeling a bit deflated! But then I thought "well, I am nearly 52!" , but no, I won't be joining them; I feel too young!

Isabella great news re the job :) congratulations! Can I ask what kind of job?

Re Connexions are only helpful to a point and only if the 'child' will go to see them. I think as much as Ds is very mature, he needs to grow up!

It's tricky isn't it. I can see why putting an age restriction is limiting but at the same time, if I'm going to pay for the group to exist (if I go with Meet-up) then I do want to attract people who I feel I have things in common with. Given that I'm 45 I find I really don't have much in common with mums who are in their 20's. I live in an area where teenage pregnancy is high so I don't want to run a group and not have anything in common with people who come along!

It's tricky. What if I said 30+ ?? Still too limiting?

changeoflife could you perhaps put "older" single mums and then let people draw their own conclusions? Also angelika, sounds like that woman was really rude and thoughtless. It's a minefield isn't it - I'm sure teenage single mothers feel excluded from society enough as it is. But MeetUp groups are all about discriminating - I wouldn't go to a 50something Asian Men in London group for obvious reasons, what with not being one and all. The whole place is full of very particular groups so I wouldn't feel too bad about setting certain parameters, but perhaps handling it with tact and being prepared to make exceptions if people are particularly motivated to join.

Er, I hope that post did not come across as racist towards 50something Asian Men in London. Nothing against them. I'm just not one, and would not go to one of their MeetUp groups for that reason. I would respect their boundaries and not feel miffed that the parameters of the group excluded me on the basis of age, race and sex.

What abouit advertising a meet on your local Streetlife group?
No didn't come across bad warm don't worry! :)

Change I think Warm's suggestion of putting "older" single mums is a good one as you're not being too specific but you are making it clear that it's not really a group for 20-somethings. There's nothing to stop someone setting up a similar group for young single mothers is there?

Well another weekend is almost upon us. I have got plans for both days, which should hopefully give me a chance of some adult conversation. Some days, bar the "hellos" on the school run, my conversations are entirely with small people. Does anyone else find themselves being far friendlier and chattier towards people in shops these days?

anj I'm not far off first name terms with some supermarket staff . Some weekends they're the only adults I get to talk to.

warm older single mums is a good idea, or '30s and 40s single mums'.. I'm mid 30s. I think when you are hitting 30 and over you've probably had a career, been places, had a pre-child life not just had them out of school.. you are probably financially able even if not fully independent.. and in a totally different head space to teen mums. Tbh I'm not sure what I'd have in common with teen mums (though I enjoy meeting those around my age who have teenagers plus younger ones from new relationships, sometimes they understand a lot ore than the mums my age who have only got married, had kids, done everything right and in the right order as it were (so far.. I mean I'm waiting for all the 40-something divorces to roll in later if statistics are anything to go by).

I'm in bed while DD is speaking.. for the first time in 2 years, I have an awful stinking cold of the kind that means my whole body aches. There's noone to help, call on. I'm not feeling sorry for myself and grateful I get ill so rarely.. it's a bit scary to wonder what might happen if I got ill more often. I'm trying to sit still, drink hot drinks.. can't seem to sleep. Have had my lemsip max dosage already and for the last 3 days. There's so much that needs doing around the house, I don't have any clean cups, and I will have to go out to the supermarket when DD wakes because we have no milk or squash left. DD will wake up full of beans and age 2 doesn't understand that mummy doesn't like to be jumped on when feeling like crap.

Eternal just wanted to send you some . Being ill with kids really sucks, especially when there's no-one to help out. You'll just have to do what you have to - to get through the next few days. Try not to worry about the state of the house and just focus on making life as easy for yourself as you can. I have no-one to call on either if I am ill and it is a massive worry. I keep thinking I need to put an emergency plan in place for if I was taken ill and heaven forbid had to be rushed to hospital. It happened to a single mum friend of mine in the middle of the night. She just had to take her 2 DCs into hospital with her until she could get someone to collect them at a reasonable hour in the morning. Take care.

Thanks Anjelika

And yes I keep thinking what if something happened, my appendix burst or I fell and hit my head.. DD isn't old enough to call 999 and I don't think anyone would come round to check on me for a long, long time.

Thanks, I like both suggestions of "older mums" and also saying mums in their 30's and 40's. I am going to do a bit of research this evening and see what I come up with. I did once post on the Mumsnet local site for my area but didn't get a single response. Anyone out there in the South East, drop me a PM though!

It's my weekend with the children this weekend so am geared up with lots of plans for during the day. It's the evenings I find harder, once the kids are in bed. Think I'll check Netflix and start a new box set! Living the dream....