Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Please help, 1 week lone parent and he wants son for the night,

93 replies

fizzo · 20/10/2006 18:42

Hi this is my first post and I really need some help and advice. I had to leave my partner on Saturday, were not married, I wont go on why and how we split or we'll be here all year, I have had to come to my parents house with my 5 month old son, he says I'm unreasonable not letting him see our son. I've said he can see him, he can come here and he can put him to bed, he can take him out in the day. Only he wants him for the night, we went to counselling on wednesday, didn't even last half an hour in there, and I feel I got bullied into agreeing that he could have him from Saturday Morning To sunday morning. Now he's text me saying 10am tomorrow. Only I feel so upset, angry and hurt, why should I have to be parted from my son for 24 hours? I know he'll have to have access and in no way do I want to stop him seeing him, but 24hours apart, now!! How can I do that?? Its only been a week, and he's adamant on having him for the night. Please any help or advice on the situation and being recently seperated I really need it. Thankyou.

OP posts:
UCM · 20/10/2006 18:55

Wow, what an awful situation to be in. I have no idea what you should do but this will bump your post and someone will be along very soon who may be able to advise you.

HappyMumof2 · 20/10/2006 20:39

Message withdrawn

7up · 20/10/2006 20:42

you poor thing, thats very young for him to be away from you. agree with happymumof2 about asserting his control.

what can he do if you say no anyway?would your parents have a word with him for you praps

Frizombie · 20/10/2006 20:45

Don't know if I'm right here, sure someone will clarify, but if your not married he has no rights, unless you agreed upon parental consent? however this is something I've read about on other threads so help someone!!

7up · 20/10/2006 20:47

youre right frizombie, my ex isnt on ds birth certificate so doesnt have parental responsibility which means if i wanted to i could dig my heals in and not let him have access but theirs too much heartache in doing that unless the ex is a complete tosser of course

QueenQuootieSpookypieBee · 20/10/2006 20:48

Is he on the birth certificate?

Pixiefish · 20/10/2006 20:48

how hands on a father was he? to be fair if he did 50% or more of the parenting then I think it's fair that he has him as much as you- sorry if that's unpopular but I have a friend who was the primary carer for his daughters and when his wife left he had custody. If his wife had left when they were babies then I only think it fair that he should have had the same access.

I can imagine how hurt and devastated you are and I would be as well. As someone has said are you breastfeeding as that would be the perfect excuse- otherwise then if he was a full on dad then I don't think you should stop him. If however he wasn't a full on dad and is doing this to bully you then i think he's being very unfair

QueenQuootieSpookypieBee · 20/10/2006 20:48

oh, you answered. He has no legal right then.

ScareyCaligulaCorday · 20/10/2006 20:50

Are you breastfeeding? If so then it's out of the question.

Does your DS often spend a whole day just with your xp? If not, then just don't do it. Say you were bullied and you're not going to do it, 5 months is far too young if your DS is not used to it and his father should be putting his DS's needs first. Little and often to build up contact, rather than a marathon immediately.

maggiesmama · 20/10/2006 20:50

not sure what his rights are. but i should imagine that til you have something legal sorted, you can do what you want.

but, in my opionion (as another single mum) i think 24 hours is ridiculous for a 5 month old. i would say a few hours, max.

i think if you are uncomfortable, i would just put your foot down. my experience, and i'm sure its not universal, is that as the responsible parent doing most of the caring, you just have to trust your instincts about what is best for your child, and for you, and find the strength to stick to that.

also - i found being on my own terribly isolating at first. where are you? ca i offer you any support?

be strong.

x

Judy1234 · 20/10/2006 21:20

Why did you agree to something you now don't want? It's going to make you look a bit unreliable to the mediator and to the child's father.

Imagine he had the child and you were desperately missing the child, as if a hole had been torn in your heart and you were counting the days to see the 5 month old again - that may be how he feels.

Which of you has mostly looked after the baby so far? Usually the courts maintain the status quo but I do know a father who got over night stays from 7 months (there was no breastfeeding there). If you work full time for example as I did with a 5 month old then yuou would be used to being but if not, not so easy.

Would you not like a through night of sleep once a week? Most mothers' dream actually.

ditzymum · 20/10/2006 21:55

If he's been a hands on dad so far I think you should let him have your ds.

My ex and I split up before my ds2 was born and I was very protective of my boys, but I let the ex take them for the night once a week. (He took them to his Mum's and she did most of the work admittedly). The first few times it broke my heart but now 3 years on I cherish the nights that they go off to their dad's. It gives me time to do my own thing and more importantly get a good night's sleep and a nice long lay in!

At the end of the day your ds needs a relationship with both of you, no matter what's gone on between you and unless he's a really crap father he should be able to spend time with his ds.

Hope this helps

7up · 20/10/2006 22:01

fizzo, hope all goes ok in the morning if you let him take your baby. you can only do what you feel is right and what is good for you and ds. glad im not in your position

mancmum · 20/10/2006 22:03

I am not in your situation so I hope this is not an inappropriate post as I do not know how you feel but I would be delighted that he wants to have such a huge amount of time with your child... so many Dads disappear and struggle with a break up... he sounds like a fab Dad imagine how you feel about being apart from your baby for 1 night he has 6 a week to cope with... why not give it a go your baby is his baby too... if there are no bf issues, then I do not see why this can not happen and long term it is in your baby's best interest if their dad takes such concern and time...

madmarchscare · 20/10/2006 22:03

Because we dont know the ins and outs of your situation it does make it trickier to comment.

So, will give two opinions.

If you are still reasonably civil to each other and he is competant, then let him have him. He is afterall his son too.

Or, if you are uncomfortable with it for reasons you would rather not go into here, then you must go with what you feel is right for you and your baby. Do not feel bullied into this.

7up · 21/10/2006 09:00

morning fizzo, hows it going?are you getting ds ready to go ?

vitomum · 21/10/2006 09:07

i agree with some of the points pixiefish, xenia and other made. i think you need to examine why you do not want a 24 hour seperation at this stage. Is is because of your feelings or the impact on your ds? as others have said i think what is approipriate now will depend on the realationship / level of care etc allready being provided by your ex to your ds. I hope you work it out. take care

Original poster
fizzo · 22/10/2006 11:51

Thank you everyone, after I posted the message the internet connection went at my mums house!! (that made me cry too as was looking for someone to tell me what to do!! I'm sure some of you know what i mean)
I am grateful to all of you who have written to me, its all giving me stuff to think about, yes he is on the birth certificate, and no unfortunately I'm not still breast feeding. In the end I Let him have him, I know he's been missing him.
@I completely agree with mumoftwo, he is trying to assert control, its how he's always been with everything, he's always had the control. Aain I've given it to him. Doh!!

So 24 hours without my baby, I cried hysterically for four hours till I passed out and got some sleep. I went round to give him a kiss good night so I could just see him, and thought a good nights sleep without being woken up could be nice, unfortunately, I woke up more times than I've had hot dinners!!
I'm sat here waiting for him to come back now.

I felt when we were together he never did that much, I always got up with him, he came home when he was in bed, he went out at least two nights a week, I always gave the dream feed and at weekends I still seemed to do it all. Yet in his eyes is a hands on dad!

I live in Stockport maggiesmama, where are you?

Thankyou everyone xx

OP posts:
7up · 22/10/2006 13:26

hiya, glad youre ok. how comes ds isnt back yet, was it not 10am to 10am sunday? he wasnt exactly a hands on dad then!these men do make me laugh, plant the seed, have the babe, carry on socialising/working and leave mummy at home.

enjoy your renunion with your little boy

ScareyCaligulaCorday · 22/10/2006 13:51

fizzo see how your ds is after this. If he is very upset by it, ask your xp to sit down with you and discuss contact arrangements which will enable him to see his son, while not upsetting his ds. If a father hasn't been hands on with such a young baby, it's very unfair to that child to be sending them off for such a long period of time. He would be much better off seeing his father three or four times a week for a shorter time period, and building it up gradually until by the time he's nine months old or whatever, he's ready to stay overnight without it being very traumatic for him.

If otoh he seems OK and has weathered this outing without too much trouble (all kids are different and you don't know how each one is going to react), I'd try and get your xp into a routine of doing this - although it's heartwrenching now, in a year's time you'll be really glad you have one day off a week, and your ds will be maintaining his relationship with his father. Also, if you can sort out contact arragements now and stick to them, paradoxically it gives your xp less control of your life, because it's a neutral agreement which he has to stick to.

Hope you enjoy your reunion.

Pixiefish · 22/10/2006 22:40

I agree- if he wasn't that hands on then a couple of evening hours a few times a week would be the best way forward so that your ds can get used to him.

With any luck ds will haveplayed up adn xp won't want him overnight again

worcestercaroline · 22/10/2006 23:05

I am amazed that u managed the night, well done to u. I think its too long for yr baby to be away from u over night, its not fair on u or baby. Its a tricky situation but think he would be better off seeing baby during day. your being reasonable by saying he can come over and help with bathtime and putting him to bed. if baby not used to seeing dad at nights then he may get very upset if he does not c yr face when he wakes up, would dad call u if baby got really upset. Hope all went ok

Drusilla · 22/10/2006 23:36

The law re parental rights and names on birth certs changed on 6 May 2006. Prior to this a father named on the birth certificate has no parental rights unles he was married to the mother. If your son was born after 6 May and xp is on the birth cert then he has parental rights. Please try and remember he is your sons' father, and as long as he is not abusive etc then the best thing for your son is to have a loving relationship with him as he grows up. I don't think comments like "With any luck ds will haveplayed up adn xp won't want him overnight again " help anyone.

sorrell · 22/10/2006 23:52

No, you don't have to let him have him. He can go to court if he wants to but I'd bet my house that no judge would force a baby that young to be apart from his mother overnight. I assume you are not breastfeeding because that would make it impossible, but even so, you have the right to refuse. Counselling is not legally binding. If you don't want to face him, text him and go out.

sorrell · 22/10/2006 23:55

Sorry - thought you were just posting talking about next weekend. I still think your son is too young to be overnight with someone who is inexperienced at caring for him. And is this supposed to be EVERY weekend? That's a huge amount of overnight contact. Much more than the norm.