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Lone parents

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Original poster

Please help, 1 week lone parent and he wants son for the night,

93 replies

fizzo · 20/10/2006 18:42

Hi this is my first post and I really need some help and advice. I had to leave my partner on Saturday, were not married, I wont go on why and how we split or we'll be here all year, I have had to come to my parents house with my 5 month old son, he says I'm unreasonable not letting him see our son. I've said he can see him, he can come here and he can put him to bed, he can take him out in the day. Only he wants him for the night, we went to counselling on wednesday, didn't even last half an hour in there, and I feel I got bullied into agreeing that he could have him from Saturday Morning To sunday morning. Now he's text me saying 10am tomorrow. Only I feel so upset, angry and hurt, why should I have to be parted from my son for 24 hours? I know he'll have to have access and in no way do I want to stop him seeing him, but 24hours apart, now!! How can I do that?? Its only been a week, and he's adamant on having him for the night. Please any help or advice on the situation and being recently seperated I really need it. Thankyou.

OP posts:
BATtymumma · 23/10/2006 00:04

Youhavent given the reasons for your seperation and of course youdont have to but i would say that you were right to give him access to yoru son.

whatever you feel for each other he is still your childs father and i am sure loves him just as much as you.

lok at how you felt at not spending one day with your son, now imagine not seeing him all week.

Its very difficult but if he hasn't been abusive to either you or your son then i would say that it is always in the childs best interest to see their father.
obviously if their is violance or abuse within the relationship or your child would be at any risk then of course that stance would change.

I know how hard it is, you miss your child desperatly while he isnt with you and yo feelings towards yor ex are still very raw, you see his wanting to be with your son as a way of hurting you further, it may well be but for the sake of your sons future relationship with his father you must take that chance im afraid.

well done for getting through this weekend, at least now you willbe prepared for next time.

chubbleigh · 23/10/2006 00:18

Start as you mean to go on, don't let your xp tell you how it's going to be, don't be bullied, you are the main carer and you have the say in how things are done, you have not been unreasonable and offered plenty of opportunities for contact in a variety of ways. In time he can stay with his Dad overnight but not while he is so young. You will have to get used to him spending time away from you, that's all part of being separated. I appreciate where you are at, the first few months after my split were a living hell but you have to be proactive and not let things just happen to you or he'll think he can tell you what to do forever.

cath28 · 23/10/2006 10:49

Drusilla (or anyone who knows!) could you tell us a bit more about the change in law or where we can find more information? i have dd aged nearly 4 and the dad does not have parental responsibility as we were not married. new baby due in march with different dad but he isn't around. so it is the case that if his name is on the birth certificate then he will have parental responsibility for dd/ds number 2? also do you know whether the dad has to come with you to put his name on the birth certificate if you're not married?

cath28 · 23/10/2006 10:57

fizzo i really feel for you and hope you are ok!! the early months after you split are the hardest and specially when your little one is still so young. i would say you need to strike a balance between allowing your ex access to his son (for your son's sake, remember, not your ex's - he's not your responsibility now!) and asserting your son's best interests as you are the primary carer. in all of the arrangements try to put your son first rather than what you or your ex might feel - i'm sure you do this automatically as a mum - but men are very good at talking about their 'rights' rather than actually seeing it from the child's perspective!

i would say that a baby under 1 year shouldn't be parted from his mum overnight on a regular basis whether or not you are breastfeeding. my dd (now nearly 4) only went away from me for 3 nights in 1st year and she was with my mum then so in safe hands. there is the issue of whether he is really capable of looking after your ds if he didnt' do much when he was living with you. even more importantly there is the issue of how your son will feel being away from his mummy - not too happy i would imagine! there is a big difference between access and overnight access - letting your ex spend good amounts of time with ds in daytime is a good start.

you should really think carefully about what you agree to now and certainly don't sign anything! also remember that these things change with time and i would put money on the fact that your ex will soon get sick of his proposed arrangement because it means him doing a substantial amount of work! sorry if that sounds cynical but in my experience once the dust settles men tend to realise that overnight access alone means doing a hell of a lot of childcare which they are not used to!!

good luck with it all, hope you are ok, it will get much, much easier as time goes by! have you got good support from friends and family?

Freckle · 23/10/2006 11:01

I think the change in the law which came into force in May 2006 is only in Scotland and brings Scottish law into line with English, i.e. that if a child is born after 31 December 2003 and the father's name is on the birth certificate, then he automatically has parental responsibility.

If you are not married and want the father's name on the birth certificate, then he has to attend the register office with you.

cath28 · 23/10/2006 11:09

ah ok freckle, that explains it, my dd was born january 2003 and after that i stopped worrying about when the law would come in! it will be a big decision then whether to put him on the birth certificate. well i guess if he is still in outer mongolia the decision will be made for me!!

Drusilla · 23/10/2006 15:25

Doh! Yes, I was looking here and have just realized that is for Scotland. So sorry. I'm talking rubbish...

Original poster
fizzo · 24/10/2006 09:28

Thanks again everyone, cath28 yeah he does have to go with you to be put on the birth certificate and then has parental rights.

I got ds back safe and sound, he was fine, I feel like I've aged 10years with the process.

Going to broche that xp has ds sat and sunday but comes home for the night this week. xp is not going to be happy about it, but I got in such a state last weekend, I can't keep doing that every week.

I agree with those who say 24hours is too long, and I agree with those who say ds needs to see xp.

I hate this so much, have an appointment to sort out housing on wed and fri go through my income support!

I can't believe ds is just 5 months and we've split, I can't get my head round it!

OP posts:
7up · 24/10/2006 18:01

hope you ok fizzo, sounds like a good idea to ask ex to have your boy during the day then you have him back at night time. very reasonable of you i think. hope it goes ok and he agrees to it

cath28 · 24/10/2006 20:06

fizzo that sounds like a good idea. it'll give you a break and also it's best for your ds that he isn't parted from you overnight in my opinion. one piece of advice that was given to me when i first split up with my dd's dad - when you get a break, try and make really good use of it! do something to spoil yourself. even if you're broke, something as simple as a candlelit bath with essential oils, a nice glass of wine and a good book.. it can make you feel human again. ive got baby number 2 on the way so god knows how i will ever get any kind of break on my own with a newborn and a 4 year old, so at the moment i'm trying to have as much 'me' time as possible and it does help make the difference between lonely and alone, if you know what i mean.. keep posting, good luck with this week, you'll feel better once the new arrangement calms down a bit i reckon

worcestercaroline · 24/10/2006 21:27

Much better that he has him during the day. Yr baby does need to see his dad but at a time that is suitable for all involved. I do think that at 5 months he would want to see you if he woke up in the night as u r his main carer. ITs fine when he is older but not when he is so little and does not understand why u r not there for him during the night. Yr son will also pick up on u being anxious, so its best to try and arrange something that u r fairly happy with so that u r not as anxious and he wont pick up on it so much. Its a situation that i am sure will take all 3 of u a while to adapt to. but u r doing the right thing by putting the little 1 first and thinking whats best for him xxxx

cath28 · 25/10/2006 17:28

fizzo how's it goin?

Original poster
fizzo · 26/10/2006 21:13

Hi not been doing too well, feel a bit under the weather, and still can't get my head round this new life!! I'm so angry and upset, the random crying is annoying me now too!
Housing situation isn't going well, because my folks have taken me back in I don't get many points now for a house!

Enough whinging, tomorrow's another day, haven't told ex the great plan that he has ds for the days instead of the night, am still dreading it!

Cath I hope your getting some rested you time, another one on the way, whens it due???

OP posts:
cath28 · 26/10/2006 21:28

due at the end of march.. i'm not getting much rest and feeling really miserable today myself too! just really low and sorry for myself and emotional (i just watched what not to wear and it made me cry, that's the kind of state i'm in lol).. does it affect your housing even if youve just moved back in with your folks as a temporary measure? seems unfair imo..

cath28 · 26/10/2006 21:29

be brave with your xp and assert yourself, you will feel so good for having done it i promise!

Original poster
fizzo · 26/10/2006 21:51

Sometimes a good cry is good for you!! I'm sure!!! Home and away used to send me to tears when i wes pregnant, (still does actually)

Yeah the housing things crap, if i was in a hostel or something would get more points, but as I'm lucky and my mum wont see me in one now I get bugger all. He's coming round on monday to examine the house!!! I am a chronic asthmatic and they have 3 cats here, so If that doesn't get me these magic points i don't know what does!!!!

Will deffo tell xp tomorrow!!!!

OP posts:
7up · 26/10/2006 21:55

good luck for telling the ex fizzo,let us know his reaction. hopefully he'll be fine about it

ditzymum · 27/10/2006 12:50

I know its not a nice thing to have to do, but if your parents write to the council saying you can't stay with them then you should get higher up the housing list.
When I split with my ex I stayed with my mum and there was such a thing called being "homeless at home" where you register as homeless but don't go into a hostel or anything. My mum wrote to them and said I couldn't stay there (although she'd never have chucked me out) and I got my council house shortly after. It's just a thought but it might be worth looking into.

Good luck with the ex

manitz · 27/10/2006 13:52

fizzo
not been in your situation and sympathise but wondered if you offer xp a future date when ds could stay over it might help him accept a 'no' at present? I would suggest two years old is reasonable as the child is then using language and you can explain what's happening.

Also it shows you have been reasonable if you ever needed to prove it. Perhaps get final agreement in writing (or put your offers in writing) so you can take control.

7up · 27/10/2006 17:24

hi fizzo, did you have the courage to talk to the ex,hope it all went ok.x

redbullbloodandbump · 27/10/2006 17:39

hi fizzo when ds was 6 months our landlord sold our house out from underneath us we had to move back in with my mom,dad and brother allthough me and are together unlike your situation my mom and dad would never see us out on the streets but knew as a family we needed our own house,

so they wrote a letter to the loacal neighbourhood office who deals with the housing and said a few little white lies to help us, so they said ds was to noisey at night there was to much cluter from the baby and if they didnt find us anything within .... then they will be chucking us out, we also got on to housing associations who we got a new 3 bedroom house with.

so what im trying to say is you have to try to manipulate the system to get what you and your baby need good luck

Original poster
fizzo · 27/10/2006 20:34

Thanks manitz and redbull, yeah, will get my mum to say I can't stay here, my dad is getting a bit sick of the amount of stuff a baby comes with, and we haven't brought that much here yet!! We'll work it out over the weekend, but am determined I'm going to get those points and get me a house!!!

On the XP front, not going well, currently communicationg by text, I've pointed out that he can have ds fir two whole days, he just brings him back to go to sleep here, he'd get more quality time with ds that way too. He says its important to have him overnight and I'm now being unreasonable. Have tried to point out the state I got in last week and ds is only 5 months old, xp doesn't see it, just says Im being unfair, tried to say lets do it alternete weekends, that way gets two whole days n ds sleeps here one week, next week sleeps overnight. He's saying no!! Help!!!

OP posts:
cath28 · 27/10/2006 20:44

fizzo darlin you have to put your foot down with him! he absolutely does not have the right to dictate anything to you about access / contact. the ball is totally in your court. if you're worried he won't return your baby then don't let him take him off unsupervised. tell him who is in charge sounds like he can't stand the idea that it's you. you're not being unreasonable at all - you are thinking of your ds. put everything in terms of your ds's best interests, don't tell him what a state you got into last weekend because he wont' really care and he'll just use that against you. say it's in your ds's best interests to come back to his mum - which it definitely is! either of your suggestions is reasonable - daytime access or alternate weekends. every weekend is really excessive imo. he must know that you hold all the cards, he is basically manipulating you here. (i've had a nightmare day myself by the way, fell over & never got to my party, it's on another thread..)

7up · 27/10/2006 21:01

oh fizzo, def agree with cath,you have to put your foot down. hes being totally unreasonable when you are trying to being fair to him. not fair on ds at his age to spend nights away in my opinion. if you cant say it to his face then put it in writing firmly stipulating the arrangements you want and if he cant agree to them then tough, dont open the door.

7up · 27/10/2006 21:03

i know thats easier said than done, but if you could have someone in your house when hes meant to turn up to collect ds then itl give you the strength and courage to put your foot down. dont mean to worry you but do you think he would say he'd agree to daytimes and then just keep him overnight anyway