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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Please help, 1 week lone parent and he wants son for the night,

93 replies

fizzo · 20/10/2006 18:42

Hi this is my first post and I really need some help and advice. I had to leave my partner on Saturday, were not married, I wont go on why and how we split or we'll be here all year, I have had to come to my parents house with my 5 month old son, he says I'm unreasonable not letting him see our son. I've said he can see him, he can come here and he can put him to bed, he can take him out in the day. Only he wants him for the night, we went to counselling on wednesday, didn't even last half an hour in there, and I feel I got bullied into agreeing that he could have him from Saturday Morning To sunday morning. Now he's text me saying 10am tomorrow. Only I feel so upset, angry and hurt, why should I have to be parted from my son for 24 hours? I know he'll have to have access and in no way do I want to stop him seeing him, but 24hours apart, now!! How can I do that?? Its only been a week, and he's adamant on having him for the night. Please any help or advice on the situation and being recently seperated I really need it. Thankyou.

OP posts:

Original poster

fizzo · 27/10/2006 21:11

I know I need to be strong and say no but he's making me feel terrible about it, I know he really misses ds and wants time with him, I've tried to point out every weekend is excessive he keeps saying he's not with him for 6 nights and that excessive!

Oh I hate this, I suppose deep down I'm still holding out for the fact we may get back together, I know it's stupid

I know I should take control and say no, I want an easy life and he's going to give me hell, if anyone has a backbone please send it my way

OP posts:

cath28 · 27/10/2006 21:14

but fizzo don't you think maybe he knows that you hold out hope that you two might get back together? i might be barking up the wrong tree, but if he senses that, he could be using that as your weak point - ie thinking that he can dictate the rules because you won't stand up to him in case it pushes him away? to me it sounds like he's manipulating the situation. if you and he really might get back together it won't be because you give in to all his unreasonable demands surely? (hey have you seen my thread, what happened to me today - i fell over in the railway station and spent all afternoon in casualty )

7up · 27/10/2006 21:24

havent seen that thread cath! sounds like you could be right about him manipulating poor fizzo.

fizzo, do you think you could get back with him?i know being near xmas probably doesnt help, being alone at xmas for some isnt very pleasant. doesnt bother me ive got used to it but youve only recently split

cath28 · 27/10/2006 21:26

i added it to my 'does anyone predict a happy ending'. don't think happy endings are in my story just now... all i get is one disaster after another LOL

cath28 · 27/10/2006 21:27

my point about the getting back together thing fizzo is not that you shouldn't hope for it, but that maybe if you don't give him what he asks for, he will actually realise that he isn't in control of you and he might ultimately respect you for that? i don't know.. just a thought

cath28 · 27/10/2006 21:28

fizzo if you don't mind me askin what was the main reason for the split? don't feel you have to say if you want or CAT me if it's easier! just feel bad offering thoughts/advice without actually knowing whether he left, or you left, or what...

Surfermummystomb · 27/10/2006 21:35

Fizzo, I don't underestimate how hard this is all for you. But I think you need to be clear why you are saying no to him, if you are going to. If it's because your ds wasn't OK with being with his dad for the night last week, then that's the reason you should say no and you need to explain that to your x and exactly why.

If you don't want him to go because you'll miss him, that's an entirely different matter and I can see why your x would get pissed off about that. You will be without him for one night, your x is without him for six nights. He is allowed to miss him too. I honestly don't think he is being that unreasonable and fair play to him that he is prepared to have him, and have him overnight. Many dads just walk away.

Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear. Your little boy isn't a pack of cards, he's a little treasure who needs to develop a relationship with both parents.

My dh had to go to Court to get contact with his dd when his x got difficult. You really don't want to go down that road if you can help it. It's expensive and it's stressful for all involved. If your x perceives you as being obstructive with contact and is insistent on going for the overnight stays, he could well pursue a court order for it and my advice would be to sort things out amicably if at all possible.

Please don't think I'm not sympathetic to how you're feeling. You must be all over the place at the moment, and it's early days since he left. But I do think you need to be careful how you negotiate contact.

Take care.

Original poster

fizzo · 27/10/2006 21:38

I know, you'll want to strangle me for this one too, i've just emailed him with a whole thing of how i can't believe he broke my heart etc etc!!!!

Plese someone put me out of my misery.

I know he's manipulating me, I also know he does really want time with ds, he wanted him for four nights a week initally! Your right cath though I know what I do now will have no effect on wether we did get back or not.

He wouldn't run off with ds that I'm sure of that, am I saying no to him for my sake, to get back at him or really cos ds is 5 months old and i truly believe its the best thing for him

Yes I do not know my own mind anymore.

Cath have replied on your thread, can't believe you were in casualty and never made it to your party, sending you hugs.

OP posts:

cath28 · 27/10/2006 21:40

surfermummystomb you're surely seeing this more from the xp's point of view than fizzo's? which is fine i guess but you have to start with your own position, and in the early days after a split it's really hard to agree on anything because it's all so raw. a mother is absolutely within her rights to say no overnight access under 1 year, that is fairly standard in and out of court.

as i mentioned before, contact, which you say your dh went to court for, is very different from overnight access - denying contact would certainly be unreasonable but fizzo seems to be allowing a LOT of contact surely?

cath28 · 27/10/2006 21:42

where your interests and your ds's interests are the same, does it matter?

cath28 · 27/10/2006 21:44

i mean, if ds should be with you overnight, and it's what you want too, then great!

alternate weekends would be the very most i would agree to. so he misses his ds as well, i'm sure he does - but sounds like he was the one to break up the relationship and walk away from the family?

7up · 27/10/2006 21:47

disagree with you surfersmummy, the poster isnt not allowing contact and dont forget the father wasnt exactly handson if you read earlier threads. i think for someone whos lost her partner and still obviously loves him she is being very negotiable with regardsto access,especially considering we are talking about a 5month old baby.

and kids dont need to develop a relationship with both parents. i know many mothers who have kids whos father dont see them and they are well adjusted, bright ,loving kids.

glad your ex sees his obviously hes a good father and had a good relationship with his ex with regards to the kids

Original poster

fizzo · 27/10/2006 21:49

your all speedy, by the time i finish writing there's a load more messages, I will speed up and pay more attention.

Cath wats CAT I'm very new to all this, am still trying to work out what all the initals mean too!!!

Surfermummy - thankyou, i think you have some points which I have going round in my head, sp love ds and does want time with him, the main problem is how it makes me feel, i was hysterical last weekend, my puffy eyes are only just going down and now its nearly saturday again.

7up - I don't know if we could, its only just two weeks, at 1st I thought it was a bit of a break, I wrote a letter with everything i wanted from the relationship, since then he's the one who's said its over, I presume he doesn't want to be in an adult relationship, to be a family with me.

The thought of xmas, ds 1st birthday, starting to wean, all these things without xp is killing me, going onto benefits, getting some small flat I don't want it, i broke down whilst at my bloody income support meeting today!

He is manipulating though, he's always had the control in the relationship, but this is more a case that he wants his son!

OP posts:

Surfermummystomb · 27/10/2006 21:50

Yes, I think you're right and I think I'm bound to view it with dh's experience in mind. But I've also considered how I would have felt when dd was 5 months. I would have had no hesitation in going away for a couple of days and leaving her with dh, and that wouldn't be any different if we had split up. Yes, I would have missed her, of course I would, but that isn't the issue, it's whether she would have been OK with her daddy and she would have been.

As it happens dh had to get a court order for overnight contact. When his x realised she couldn't actually prevent him from having contact, she tried to say it should be day visits only and that dsd shouldn't stay overnight. The Court ordered that she should and the pattern for weekends and holidays were set.

Surfermummystomb · 27/10/2006 21:51

My post is to Cath, if it isn't obvious.

madmarchscare · 27/10/2006 21:52

What is best is that your DS spends time with both his parents and grows up to see no bitterness between the two of you.

Do not stop you XP from staying with HIS son just to get back at him. It is unfair to him and your DS.

I appreciate that that it is difficult for you right now but unless there are any other reasons that you have not given, you need to face the fact that your XP is perfectly entitled to want to have his son stay with him overnight.

Sufermummy is right, arguments in court are the last thing you need.

I hope you manage to sort this all out soon.

Surfermummystomb · 27/10/2006 21:57

7up, I know she isn't say no to contact completely, I didn't mean to imply that she is. I did read too that he wasn't very hands on when they were together, but he was prepared to give it a go last weekend, and is obviously prepared to do so again.

cath28 · 27/10/2006 21:59

surfermummystomb isn't it a bit different going away for a couple of days and leaving your dd with your dh, and handing over your ds every single weekend to your xp before the dust has even settled on the separation? they sound extremely different to me! i agree with 7up's post below. nobody is talking about refusing contact, and overnight stays every weekend for a 5 month old baby are NOT the norm!

cath28 · 27/10/2006 22:02

maybe if fizzo's xp dressed up in a batman suit i'd take him a bit more seriously over this only joking i hasten to add dont think i'd want to see that!!

fizzo it is really early days hon, you've got a lot to deal with, just try and face one thing at a time, and who knows in time you might work things out, he might just be going through a phase.. for everything ive said, it is a great sign that he wants so much contact - it's just that it really can be on your terms, not his, as you're the mum and the primary carer here and you've got the toughest job by far! hope you're feeling ok i'm off to bed in a sec LOL

Original poster

fizzo · 27/10/2006 22:13

I do have to add, no he wasn't very hands on when we were together although he always seid he wanted to be.

I just felt he wasn't there as much as he should be, I felt his friends were a priority, When he was with ds he was good.

The fact that I let him have ds last week, now I'm turning round and saying no.. am I unreasonable??

aaarrrgggghh my head hurts

OP posts:

Surfermummystomb · 27/10/2006 22:15

Sorry, I'm going to leave it here, Fizzo, because I think you have enough going on at the moment without us debating your situation on this thread.

Good luck, whatever you decide .

Original poster

fizzo · 27/10/2006 22:20

Thank you everyone, i do appreciate having everyones different views, it is good to see the situation from different sides.

Its good to take it all on board

OP posts:

Surfermummystomb · 27/10/2006 22:23

Oh no, that looks like a response to your post Fizzo! It wasn't meant to. I was responding to Cath again. I felt a little bit like we were talking about you/your situation and it didn't really feel right to do it now. Another time, eh Cath?!

Surfermummystomb · 27/10/2006 22:25

Good luck tomorrow.

anom · 28/10/2006 07:34

im a regular and changed my name for this, as dp looks on here and would be mortified if he read this message.

when dd was 3 months we split up it was all down to me, he wasnt being very helpfull with dd didnt know what to do with her, wouldnyt help out round the house and changed towards me wasnt being as loving, so i left him and took dd to move back home with my mom and dad,

the time we were there (2 months) dp was fab, it was as if he knew the split we needed he took more of a role when we moved out hed come to my parents house straight from work to see dd always gave me money so dd went with out nothing, but he respected me more and not once did he ever ask for alone time with dd, he knew with her being so young how i would feel and he respected that as he still had respect for me, yes 2 months on we did get back together and have been very happy now for 5 years and trying for another.

what im trying to say is allthough we were seperated at the time dp had a huge amount of respect for me and me as as dd mother, wich i dont think your ex is showing at all, you are saying yes he can see ds and thats good enough he is lucky you are letting him see ds as many women i know refuse anything of their ex dp, he should have more respect for you and you being the mother of his child IMO.

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