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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Who's surname do your children have?

49 replies

rosie79 · 29/09/2006 20:25

I've been divorced for two years now and have a three year old S. I arranged for my ex to have open access to his son, and in the last two years he has seen him three times, for an hour each time. It has been over a year now since he last saw him and he didn't call or even send a card on DS's birthday. Anyway, to cut a long story short I want to change ds's surname from ex's to my own. I think it makes more sence as we are living together and I have always had my own surname even when married. Ex has nothing to do with son so feel he is better off with my surname so he can be the same as me. Also, I have a big extended family who are all very involved in ds's life, they all have my surname too and just want ds to have our surname as he is one of us. What are other single parent's thought and experiences in this matter? Has anyone actually gone about changing their children's surname? His nursery already has him under my surname and we use it in everyday life, that is what my son knows as his name, but the passport obviously is in his dad's surname.

OP posts:

lynneclynne · 29/09/2006 21:21

Rosie, i think i would have to agree with u.If it was me, i would do the same,my experience was/is slightly different..my partner passed away suddenly and i have since re-married, it did cross my mind about changing my sons surname(which was his dads surname) to our /my new surname, only because everyone else in our household has the same surname except for my son..in ur case i would change ur sons especially if u are no longer with the ex and also u have already took the first step by giving the nursery ur name. Its so sad hearing ur ex doesnt take much to do with his son.
Take care!
Lynne

chipkid · 29/09/2006 21:31

If you were married-your ex has Parental responsibility for the child and so could object to a change of name. Court's donot ususlly consider having the same surname as the rest of the family a good enough reason to change from the name of the birth father.

Judy1234 · 29/09/2006 22:10

It's the only little thing the poor little son has of his father so I think he's entitled to keep it. I believe if you want to change the name you need the father's permission.

mamama · 30/09/2006 02:00

Yes, I've looked into this too - I really want my ds to have my surname but his father (who lives less than 1 mile away but sees ds once every 10 days or so for about an hour - when he visited today, he fell asleep while watching ds, grrr) objects and I have to have his permission as he is named on birth cert. SO, have to keep campaigning with ex-dh or wait til ds is 18. Wouldn't mind if the father were involved more but he sees his son as a big chore.

Original poster

rosie79 · 30/09/2006 09:36

Xenia I think with regard to Lynne's son you're right, he deserves something to link him with his father, not so sure I agree with you in mycase. I guess in principle when children's parents are seperated it is one of the few things that link the children to their father, especially if their father is otherwise completely involved in their lives. but in this case his dad doesn't want to know, doesn't take any part in bringing him up and doesn't even contribute a single penny, is not thee for him and even forgot his birthday so the only link between him and my son is DNA, my son deserves better than that IMO. I can't even get hold of ex as he's changed his mob without telling me so has basically cut himself off (his loss though!)
I know I'd need his permission if I were to formally change surname, but to be honest I think he would give it, he's really not bothered. DS will always have the choice to change it back if that is what he feels when he's older.
Thanks everyone, just doen't have anyone in same position as me who I can talk to about this kind of stuff!

OP posts:

lynneclynne · 30/09/2006 13:02

Hi girls, i wasnt aware u had to get permission from the ex husband if u wanted to change surname, mmm this is a tricky one as in my case i am leaving it up to my son if he wants to change hs surname..he is 13 just now so he can decide in a few years time.
Good luck Rosie, no matter what ur decision.

lynneclynne · 30/09/2006 13:06

Rosie, just wanted to add that i went through the same thing as your son when i was 6 years old, he took nothing to do with any of the three of us, and over the years i was so glad to get married so that i no longer had the same surname as him, felt sorry for my two brothers though who still have his name.

Take care
Lynne

Original poster

rosie79 · 30/09/2006 13:40

Thank you Lynne, that's good to know. I have spoken to a few other adults who's fathers never had anything to do with them and they all think it's a good idea to change ds's name.
In your case I think it is a good idea that you let your son have the choice. Have you talked about it at all yet and if so what are his opinions? Obviously my son is too young to have much say in it and as far as he's aware his surname is mine. I just don't want to do anything that he will hate me for later in life, but I guess if he knows when he's older that he can change it back if he wants to then it won't be so bad.

OP posts:

lynneclynne · 30/09/2006 15:02

Yes Rosie, i have mentioned it to my son, we are trying for a baby at the moment so i did explain the baby would have our surname and if he ever wanted to change his he could but he said hes happy to leave for now, i dont think your son would have any problems with ur decision in the future.
Take care
Lynne

juicychops · 30/09/2006 15:16

hi rosie. me and my ex split 9 months ago and he has seen our ds twice since. the last being 7 months ago. i want to change my ds' surname to my name and i have looked into it and spoken to my solicitor but as his dads name is on the birth certificate, my ex needs to give his concent to let me change it.... which he will never ever do!! i think once ds is 16 he can change it himself

kimi · 30/09/2006 15:28

Our boys have DHs surname (as they should) and even though we have seperated and i have a new DP i will not be changing their names if we were to marry, in fact i dont even know if i would change mine, just add DPs on the end

BarefootJasnem · 30/09/2006 15:29

DP had his name changed to her new husbands name as a very young child. (His father left them when he was a baby).
He never felt the new name was his, and changed it back at 16.

I know it is different if your ds has only really known himself by your name, but in general I would wait until the child is old enough to decide.

80sMum · 30/09/2006 15:32

Doesn't it depend on whether you want to change your legal name or simply change the name you are known by? You can call yourself what you like, surely?

lynneclynne · 30/09/2006 15:54

I thought that too 80's mum!

jollyfolly · 30/09/2006 15:58

can you not double barrell his name? when he was registered my son took my surname but has his fathers surname as a middle name, all with his dads consent (we are not a couple) that way he has a choice when he is older.

WideWebWitch · 30/09/2006 16:03

I would change it back in your position too. My ds has ex dh's surname but it's all amicable so it's fine (different to mine, my dh's and our dd's, we have 4 different surnames in our house for 4 of us)

LittleSarah · 30/09/2006 16:45

Me and dd's dad broke up while pregnant and she has my name, as his relationship as dd's dad was very fragile when we filled in the birth certificate.

I am now in the process of changing her name so she has both our names, in Scotland it takes ages as you have to have proof you have been using the new name for two years before you can legally change it!

In your situation I would definitely be considering changing the name to yours. My cousin changed his name to his mum's after his relationship with his dad dwindled to nothing!

MamaGlamourPuss · 30/09/2006 16:50

CHipkid is right. You will have to get ex's permission to change his name. You can call him wahtever you like, but passports etc will have his old name on. Perhaps you could suggest a double barrelled name to your ex, with yours as the last name and then just use that?

Emskilou · 30/09/2006 16:56

My dd (22 months) has my ex husbands surname and my ds (8 months) has mine (changed to my maiden name in January), ex h left me when I was 3 months pg with ds, git.

Anyway he has not met or acknowledged our son and hasn't seen our daughter for 14 months or acknowledged her in anyway either. We are going through a divorce aswel at the moment.

I have asked countless times for his permission but he refuses to give it. I spoke to him approximately 3 weeks ago when he said he was moving to Slovakia soon, I asked when he was going to see the children he said he didn't know I asked if he wanted to see the children he said he didn't know.

I have the papers ready to go to court to get dds name changed to mine, and I will do this when my divorce is through. He has absolutely nothing to do with dd and ds does not pay maintenance and isn't even curious about how they are, so imo what is the point in dd having his name?.

I have put together a memory box for them so they will always know who their father is and if they choose to when they are older they can find him.

Have I gone on and on and on?? Sorry and I'm not sure if this helps either I hope it does in some way

mamama · 01/10/2006 02:34

Emskilou - is he going to give permission for name change? Or are you petitioning for that? Let us know how it goes. My dh is the same. Has stupid surname, which we gave to ds - we thought would be ok because we were a family etc. Seeing as he left us & will be 4000 miles away, think ds deserves to have same name as me. Dh won't budge though. No idea why it is so important to dh. Really pees me off that the name bothers him yet when I had to call 999 cos ds was bleeding horrendously, he didn't care a bit. Grrrrr.

Original poster

rosie79 · 01/10/2006 10:34

I'm really glad I'm not the only one thinking about this! Thanks for all the suggestions. The double barrel suggestion wouldn't really work in my case though as m,y surname is already double barrelled!! (has been for generations though) so that would mean too many names for forms etc.If I can't get hold of my ex and have no way of finding him to get permission don't the courts take this into account?
You're right 80s mum, you can call yourself whatever you like which is why ds knows himself as my surname and nursery use my surname for him. It would be nice if his passport is the same as mine though.
Good luck to all you others with similar situations, would be good to know your outcomes. Emskilou would be good to hear what the courts decide with you, keep us posted!

OP posts:

Original poster

rosie79 · 01/10/2006 10:34

OP posts:

Emskilou · 01/10/2006 11:26

Morning, I will do, the courts would like to see that you have tried everything possible to contact him regarding getting the permission, for me I would just have to show them all the work the solicitor has done, he didn't even acknowledge the divorce papers, bailiffs were sent to issue the divorce papers but it turned out he wasn't at the address he had given me!

But I kept on texting him, he wouldn't answer the phone to me , asking him why he was being so awkward as it was him who wanted the divorce in the first place, he then replied making it very clear he had the divore papers but didn't agree with the petition so wouldn't sign it, I showed this to my solicitor and she applied to the courts to continue with the divorce (application for deemed service I think its called) and they have done, waiting for the decree nisi now.

He will be asked to attend the court when the case to change dds name is heard but it is highly unlikely that he will turn up as I wont have a clue where he is but will provide his last known address, which was a nightclub he worked in btw!

Reading this all back I am starting to wonder why I married him! We only married in Oct 2004 actually it is our anniversary a week today!

Good job I can laugh about it now, I wasn't laughing this time last year!

mamama and rosie79nI didnt think there were that many men who acted like my ex h but apparently I was wrong, sad isn't it, bit pathetic too really.

Ooooh have I rambled again?? Sorry

btw he is 37 and I am 26, thought I was supposed to be the irresponsible imature one

kikki · 29/10/2006 13:32

Hi
Are you allowed to change your children's surname after divorce? I asked a solicitor and she said that I can never change my son's name without my ex-hubbie's permission. Of course he won't give it but I do not want my son to grow up with a different surname to me.
Any advice

juicychops · 29/10/2006 14:17

kikki, im in the same situation. my ex doesn't even see our ds but im not allowed to change my ds' surname without my ex's permission as he is on the birth certificate, which he wouldn't give in a million years!!

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