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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Who's surname do your children have?

49 replies

rosie79 · 29/09/2006 20:25

I've been divorced for two years now and have a three year old S. I arranged for my ex to have open access to his son, and in the last two years he has seen him three times, for an hour each time. It has been over a year now since he last saw him and he didn't call or even send a card on DS's birthday. Anyway, to cut a long story short I want to change ds's surname from ex's to my own. I think it makes more sence as we are living together and I have always had my own surname even when married. Ex has nothing to do with son so feel he is better off with my surname so he can be the same as me. Also, I have a big extended family who are all very involved in ds's life, they all have my surname too and just want ds to have our surname as he is one of us. What are other single parent's thought and experiences in this matter? Has anyone actually gone about changing their children's surname? His nursery already has him under my surname and we use it in everyday life, that is what my son knows as his name, but the passport obviously is in his dad's surname.

OP posts:

star1976 · 17/11/2006 20:19

When I had my ds (now 8) I knew that me and her dad would not last so we gave her a double barrel surname. We split when she was two, so I just 'dropped' his name, but then he stopped seeing her altogether when she was 6 so I had it changed by Deed Poll. Lucky that I didn't need his permission as the law of 'Parental Responsibility' wasn't in force then (2001 that came in I think?) and he had never been to a solicitor to get it!
My ds (8 months) has my current partners surname as we are hopefully getting married next year (why does everything come down to cash?????). Once we are married I will then change my dd's name by Deed Poll again (and she can't wait).

notagrannyyet · 17/11/2006 21:47

SIL had this problem. Her ex wouldn't let the children change their name to hers. The children chose for themselves at 18 and changed their name to SIL's maiden name.

7up · 17/11/2006 21:57

get it changed, he sounds bloody useless anyway. my ds has my name,his father through us out when i was 3months pregnant and then took me to court to change his name to his. didnt win and when ds is a famous footballer he will have my name on his shirt

chocolatebirdy · 17/11/2006 21:58

DPs ex managed to double barrel their childs name without permission from dp, apperently legally that is allowed you just arnt allowed to remove a name witout permission. DSD had DPs name (doe) so she legally went from jane doe to jane doe-adeer and told DP after it was done.

rainbowgirl · 17/11/2006 22:34

what's the law on this? dd was born january 2003. her dad doesn't have parental responsibility. would i need his permission to change her surname by deed poll?

Emskilou · 17/11/2006 22:35

No, only those with parental responsibility need to give their permission

QueenEagle · 17/11/2006 22:37

rosie, I haven't read all the replies but....when I divorced I reverted to my maiden name. exh didn't see the kids or send cards or show any interest whatsoever in them so I changed their names too. exh had to sign a pre-written letter agreeing to the change. I have never regretted it and in fact now they are all just about in their teens, they say seeing their birth surname on their birth certificate seems really weird.

Ifg you feel it is right for you then I say do it. A call to CAB will tell you what you would need to do and how much it might cost.

Fattymumma · 17/11/2006 22:38

mine have both his and mine.
originally DS only really used his dads but now we have split he has begun using both and as he gets older we will probably drop exp's and stick with mine.

megandsoph · 17/11/2006 22:47

DD's have their dads surname, as do I still
but going to have bit of a pickle when this baby is born as myself and dd's will have the same surname and the baby will have DP's as I don't think it would be appropriate if I gave the baby my ex husbands surname...

Adorabelle · 17/11/2006 23:42

My mum & dad were 16 (unmarried) when I was born,
I was registered in my Dads name, they broke up when I was 18 months.

At 6, when I realised my mum & I had different surnames & asked her why she explained. I told her that I wanted my name to be the same as her's cos I never saw my dad so why should I have his name?

If the dad's not around (at all, or V.infrequently) I see no reason why a childs surname should not be changed. I still have my dad's surname on my birth cirtificut, but from the moment my mum changed my name by deed poll that was the name that was mine (& is also the name my child carries, dh & I are double barrelled)

Original poster

rosie79 · 19/11/2006 18:48

Thanks for all the advice everyone, and I'm glad I'm not alone in going through this!

So by 'permission' do I just need my ex's signiture on a letter? If so surely in theory that can be 'arranged'? (not that I'm suggesting anyone actually do this ). It just seems a bit easy IYSWIM.

OP posts:

Emskilou · 19/11/2006 19:01

Yep its just a letter like this

Judy1234 · 19/11/2006 19:25

It's probably the only thing the poor little boy has of his father so may be it's nicer he keeps it.
The father can seek a specific isuses order I think to resist a change like that. If he did I think he'd win. My children (and me after the divorce) have kept his surname... proper little 1950s housewife, me.

Emskilou · 19/11/2006 19:29

I would agree if the absent father gave a toss but in my case and in rosie79s he doesnt appear to does he?

curlysmum · 24/11/2006 23:32

I'm did not marry and gave my dd my surname her father surname is in as middle name , I like her to have the same name as me, lots of people i know who are not married still give the child the dads name which I have never liked, my friend has 3 children two have their father's name, one has the other fathers name and then she has now remarried so they all have different names which I think is just weird and a bit horrible really.

tutu100 · 24/11/2006 23:59

this isn't really going to help your situation, but might help others who are going to be in the same situation as I was. My dp and I have been together for a long time but he refuses to get married. Throughout my pregnancy I agreed that our ds would have his father's surname as his surname however once I'd given birth I didn't feel that would be right. We gave our son both our surnames so he has a double barrelled one, my surname followed by dp's surname. What I have found is that everything filed by surname is filed by the intial of my surname which means I can use just my surname all the time. Pisses my partner off but if he was that bothered he should of married me!

expatinscotland · 24/11/2006 23:59

My husband's.

As do I.

curlew · 25/11/2006 01:05

My dp and I are not married - and we have not been married for nearly 30 years. We each use our own names and our children have both our names with a hyphen. We have never had a problem - when the children grow up they can choose to use my name, his name or both. It's not a problem - you can call yourself anything you want to. If you want to change your child's name at school, then do it. It's only words.

macneil · 25/11/2006 01:35

Sorry, a little off-topic. I'm married, but I didn't take my husband's name. We both like my surname more, and want to give our daughter my name. But we've already seriously disappointed his parents by not having a white wedding, and his mum wants to know why I'm not proud to take his name, and laughed out loud when he told her our daughter might take my name, as if it was a joke. When she found out it wasn't a joke, she said the kid would get bullied at school for not having the same name as her father. I don't want to upset them again, but my name will die out, and is pretty unique, and he has a brother with two sons. Also, if his mum thinks girls should take their husbands' names, then our daughter will only keep his name until she's, say 30, so what is the big deal? Am I just being mean?

sanchpanch · 25/11/2006 08:55

both my girls have my surname, just like they should!!!!! we were not married so who says they should take there fathers name whether you are together or not.

littlemisspiggy · 27/11/2006 16:03

We are married but I kept my name. The children have both our names joined together as a double barrel.

Original poster

rosie79 · 27/11/2006 18:33

macneil I don't think you're being mean! It's not like you are giving your DD your surname to spite the inlaws or hurt them, you have perfectly valid reasons for your decision!

What utter rubbish that the child will be bullied at school for not having the same name as their father!!! Who would know?

I never took my ex's name either when we married and this never went down well with the inlaws! To add to that they were ex's adoptive parents and after we married ex decided to ditch their surname as it "wasn't really his" and made his own surname up...didn't go down well with inlaws at all. All of this means that ds's name isn't even based on blood so all the more reason to change it to mine! Am going throught the process now.

OP posts:

tiger1 · 27/11/2006 19:43

i must admit i am always amazed as to why unmarried couples have their fathers surnames. If you want them to have their names get married before or whilst your pregnant. My children have my surname as my partner cancelled our wedding twice, so why should they have his name if he was scared of the word MARRIAGE. Partner is totally fine with the surname and feels that the kids will always be with me so why not let them have my name. Would you believe that it is the only thing in our relationship that we have never argued about. But i know this would be very raw to a lot of people.

NotAnOtter · 27/11/2006 19:47

my grandparents' and dps double barrelled

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