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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How can I protect my son from my ex?

49 replies

littleminx13 · 01/09/2006 12:24

Hi. I'm new to this and in need of some sort of advice...any advice!!
I split up with my ex after a 3 month fling b4 I discovered I was pregnant. I reluctantly told him I was pregnant and have his name on the birth certificate. He was unreliable with contact, violent towards me (this is after we split!) and a control freak. He doesn't work (he's a mature student!) and I have found out is a well known drug dealer who has had involvements with Heroin and the police records on him at last count over 2 years ago was 54 pages. This includes drug dealing, violence, driving under influence of drink/drugs, possesion, robbery...need I go on? He is trying to get Parental Responsibility and contact. He hasn't seen my son since he was 18 months old and this was at a contact centre, again his attendance was extremely unreliable! I am desperate to give my son a well adjusted safe upbringing and am so scared that the 'Sperm doners' involvement is going to have a negative impact on this. How do I keep him away?? He can take me to court as he is a 'Student' (he's 37!) and i work full time, am up to my eyes in debt so would have to pay solicitors fees and I'm frightened!
Can anyone give me any advice please?

OP posts:

pedilia · 01/09/2006 12:30

I have been where you are and I feel for you, I shelled out £8000 on solicitors fees and felt they did nothing I could not have done myself.

Parental responsibility is rarely refused, my ex was granted it even though he was also violent, didn't pay a penny and visited when he felt like it. The family courts are geared towards both fathers having access and they very strongly advise mediation so you can try and come to an agreement or the judge will decide.

See if you can take initial advice but if you continue with a solicior you will be paying for them to sit around in court.

I hope you can resolve this.

Holidaymum · 01/09/2006 12:34

The new director of CAFCASS is incredibly pro fathers having been kept from his as a child. You are really going to have a battle on your hands. Sorry I can't be more positive. Can you try to get social services to prove he is a risk to your child? otherwise would be tempted to do a flit and remain untraceable.

Original poster

littleminx13 · 01/09/2006 12:46

Hi, thanks for your replies. I'm not currently having legal advice as I don't think it's necessary at the mo. I did suggest to the man from CAFCASS that I had reservations about contact due to 'Sperm doners' police record etc. According to him and my solicitor at the time 'It' doesn't make him a bad father...' It makes him a bad peson and I don't want my son to be part of that.
Yes I have often thought about 'moving' and starting afresh but where too?? My job is secure, my son will be starting school on Tuesday and is settled with his childminder and I don't have the resources. It's hard and at times I just want to walk away from everything! Clinical Depression doesn't really help either!! You never know if your thoughts are rational and 'normal' or not.

OP posts:

Holidaymum · 01/09/2006 12:56

Poor you! Having just been through it the system is appalling it currently suits the parent and not the child, i'd delay as much as possible drag it out, they are supposed to be revising things and it might change in your favour, you never know the perm donar may end up in jail with his history, problem solved!

HappyMumof2 · 01/09/2006 13:28

Message withdrawn

pedilia · 01/09/2006 13:32

Interesting that this 'doesn't make him a bad father' I was told the same and found CAFCASS and the judge very patronising.
I knew after the 2nd time in court that no matter how badly he behaved he would get the access he wanted, he repaetedly lied in court and made accusations that he could no back up.

I had proof of every thing I said about him yet was never asked for a thing, he took me to court yet he has not turned up for a visit for around two months.

Knowing what I do now I would drag things out as long as possible, sorry to be so negative but you will never 'win'against the family court system.

Original poster

littleminx13 · 01/09/2006 14:22

Why did I put his name on the Birth Certificate> Because I naively thought my son would resent me and think badly of me if he had 'Unknown' instead of fathers name. How I wish I could turn the clock back!

I am delaying it as long as I can. I have hinted that there is a possibility that he may not actually be the father as the Sperm Doner is of Mixed Race and my son is white with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I was hoping that he would leave us alone after that was hinted to him by the lady at mediation! My luck isn't that good!! I'm now delaying having DNA testing done, my son doesn't want to do it and I fear that when it is confirmed that he is the father I'll never get rid of him!

I too had the same problems in court. He said we lived together, that I was only doing all this as 'he' ended it and I was bitter, that I was on drugs (anti-depressants - at least mine are legal)the list goes on. I had proof that it was all lies and he had no proof whatsoever. But 'that doesn't make him a bad father'. It makes me so angry to write all this, I feel like I'm churning up inside. I want to go home now and hug my son.

Why can't people see what is in the childs best interests? I know it sounds really awful but I'm tempted to ask someone to report his 'abnormal behaviour' outside school gates etc. Surely that kind of thing would go on his record along with everything else and that would go in my favour?

I am so glad that I have found this site to talk to people who have been or still are in a similar boat. Thank you for your replies whatever they are.

OP posts:

fattiemumma · 01/09/2006 14:25

speak to your local CAB.
they will be able to tell you if you qualify for legal aid or not.

you can contesthis application and although its better if you have asolicitor i am sure the cab could also advise you.

CAFCAS will then get involved and no doubt will make a judgment on the fact that he is clearly unsuitable for parenting your child.

Judy1234 · 01/09/2006 14:38

He may end up being a good father but the signs are not there that he will be. He is likely to get parental responsibility - he is the parent but you might want the contact limited to when he's with someone else like his mother or sister for example. It sounds an awful situation to be in. So important to check people out these days. Poor you.

Original poster

littleminx13 · 01/09/2006 14:56

Hi, CAFCAS were involved a couple of years ago and they didn't seem to be impressed that his contact at the Contact Centre was limited and erratic and neither were they impressed that my son screamed his head off as sonn as he went near him. My son was inconsolable at these visits and even his nursery said he was very tearful the next day. This information was used in court. I know that it will all have to go back to contact at a Contact Centre but I am trying to delay this. It is not in my sons best interests to have a major thing like starting school AND having to meet a complete stranger. I believe that he should wait until my son is settled in school then perhaps start The Contact centre thing again....unless in the meantime I marry an Australian and emigrate!

He sells drugs to his mother and sister! They all smoke Cannabis as part of their daily routine and he does go and see his daughter and smoke Opium with her mother. Oh I forgot to mention the other children didn't I? An 11 year old daughter, a 4 year old son and a 22 month old daughter. Obviously with different mothers. The youngest was put up for adoption and he wanted his mother to adopt and him have contact. I found this out as Social Services Contacted me regarding the youngest and wanted information about my sons background etc. Even Social Services are fully aware of what he is like! LOL Just wish the courts and CAFCAS were!

OP posts:

Original poster

littleminx13 · 01/09/2006 14:58

BTW I don't qualify for Legal Aid or any help whatsoever.

OP posts:

Holidaymum · 01/09/2006 15:16

cafcass make my blood boil! Why are the police not arresting him? if he was jailed it really would solve your problem.

Original poster

littleminx13 · 01/09/2006 15:44

Tell me about it!!! I shall no doubt sort something out soon. Fingers crossed eh?

I'm sure CAFCAS is there for just the absent fathers you know.

OP posts:

Holidaymum · 01/09/2006 15:47

Nope they just hate all parents! We have had problems the other way round,we've been through the system as a father, they don't recognise that some people are damaging to children.

cg25 · 01/09/2006 15:51

Message withdrawn

Original poster

littleminx13 · 01/09/2006 16:00

How can you contest PR I really need to know this one? But then surely he can't get it with his history and lifestyle? Bet you were over the moon at that outcome?
He hasn't seen him for 3 years (my son is 4 and a half)and that was last at a contact centre. He has 'never' paid any maintenance to me and it is highly unlikely he will.
Can somebody tell me (as I am new to this and may be a bit silly) but what does DS etc stand for.

OP posts:

cg25 · 01/09/2006 16:09

Message withdrawn

cg25 · 01/09/2006 16:11

Message withdrawn

Holidaymum · 01/09/2006 16:11

cg25 is your ex on the birth certificate? I was under the impression the law had changed to make it mandatory to gain pr if you don't have it already?

cg25 · 01/09/2006 16:14

Message withdrawn

Original poster

littleminx13 · 01/09/2006 16:18

Hi, if you're married he would automatically have PR. If not and the childs birth was registered after Dec 2002 then he can automatically have PR. Prior to Dec 2002 he would have to apply for it.
Did you have a solicitor or did you do this on your own?

OP posts:

Holidaymum · 01/09/2006 16:22

Just checked the rules and its births after 2003 that can get it automatically, sorry for causing a scare! This might be useful! this

cg25 · 01/09/2006 16:23

Message withdrawn

pedilia · 01/09/2006 16:26

so at what age do the courts actuallt listen to the childs wants?

cg25 · 01/09/2006 16:26

Message withdrawn

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