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Lone parents

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Original poster

Is it mad to ask ex to father a sibling for dd?

100 replies

Justfoundabanana · 02/05/2014 23:14

I'm a single parent with a dd who is nearly 2 and I'd really like her to have a sibling, I'm considering asking my ex to (ahem) help out. Is this a terrible plan? My ex is not the most help but I can cope financially and he is around, and an ok dad, if a bit selfish and lazy (and slept with his ex).
I really value my siblings as an adult and want that for dd, I want her to have someone who understands where she's from, someone to play with, fight with and grow up with. I worry that just me and her will be too intense a relationship, and boring for her to just have me for company. I can't imagine meeting anyone else anytime soon, and even if I did the age gap would be big and having different dads would mean they had different lives.
I appreciate it'll be tough in the next couple of years but I have support from friends and family. I'm not sure how approving some of them would be if I did of this, and it's impossible to get impartial advice on this, but I strongly feel the best thing in the world that I could give my dd would be a sibling. Can anyone convince me that this is a bad idea?

OP posts:

DrankSangriaInThePark · 03/05/2014 13:02

I think deep down you think that having another child with this man will make him want you back.

The idea is one of the craziest, most immature, most selfish and just plain batshit I have seen on here.

And I've been here since 2004. Go figure.

Grow up a bit. Enjoy the child you do have. Go and get yourself a fresh bloke if you want. Have a baby with him if you want.

The irony also of you needing to mention that he slept with his ex, and now you want him to effectively do the same, isn't lost.

In short, if this man cared enough for you to want to have another child under the frankly ridiculous terms you are proposing, he probably wouldn't be your ex now, would he?

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 13:19

The idea is one of the craziest, most immature, most selfish and just plain batshit I have seen on here.

Woah sangria say what you really think

DrankSangriaInThePark · 03/05/2014 13:25

I was being restrained.

NickiFury · 03/05/2014 13:59

I don't think it's a bad idea at all. I'm a single parent to two dc and it's great, I wouldn't have it any other way. I think a lot of the negativity you're getting is probably from people who can't imagine or who fear that set up for themselves and are projecting that onto you.

If he's willing and will be involved and you are able to support another child then I say go ahead.

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2014 14:29

I'll bet they weren't conceived after your relationship ended, Nicki.
I can see why the op might consider it a good idea, but I can't see what's in it for the guy who's already moved on.

NickiFury · 03/05/2014 15:34

Pretty sure he wouldn't do it if he doesn't want to, but the OP isn't asking if we think he might want to is she? or what's in it for him. She's asking what we think of the idea before she approaches him and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. This child can be supported and would have two involved parents. It might not be the "ideal" family set up as many of you understand it and is your preference but personally I don't see a problem with it.

scottishmummy · 03/05/2014 20:03

Op is unable get ex to commit to a firm financial arrangement for maintenance
He suits himself with one kid,he'll do likewise with two kids.shes not abke to make it official
Why would he want another kid,seeing she said they broke up about first kid?whats in it for him

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 20:23

They're already entangled with each other though Scottish. Any negative aspects of their relationship as separated co-parents are already there.

He might simply want another child in the same way as the OP does, or want a sibling for his DD. The fact that he apparently doesn't enjoy FT family life might make this proposal more attractive to him.

scottishmummy · 03/05/2014 21:30

Entangled yes.equitable?no.she cant even ask him to formalise maintenance
Why is he going to get her up duff,incur more maintenance,another kid
When op says it was her desire for first child that split them up

CagneynotLacey · 06/05/2014 11:20

I know you want to have a sibling for your DD but maybe consider what it would be like for the new baby when s/he is older. It might not go down well to explain that the only reason s/he was born was for your elder child - would that be weird for them?

It may be that this happens in lots of families but it's not apparent because the parents were together when the child was conceived. The question is more likely given that you and ex are apart.

Purpleroxy · 06/05/2014 11:27

Ask him and see what he says. Then you can go from there.

I think it's quite reasonable if you are it's in agreement.

Lioninthesun · 06/05/2014 12:41

I think we have all said enough to give you a balanced view/opinions. The rest is down to you and him. Obviously we all project a little on here, and that is to be expected. For me I imagine it to be quite a lonely place having the extra responsibility and no more money. You will always be responsible for these kids but he can walk off as and when he likes. He is already out of the door so you can't really expect him to want the extra responsibility if you do have this child - prepare for a lot of "I told you so" from people who know your plan.

You have possibly got a better network and stronger financial security on your own than me, although you don't tell us why you are 'financially secure', it is clearly not because he is paying regular maintenance. I hope not at least as if it is not formalised there is nothing to say he will be in a year or if he meets a new partner!
I also know DD is getting more expensive every year and I worry that you are happily juggling the one without any idea of stressful toddler years ahead.
I am not trying to be pessimistic, I am trying to be realistic, but in the end you need to ask him as we can't second guess what his reaction will be and it is pointless without his input!

cestlavielife · 06/05/2014 12:51

I know someone who did this. it seems to be fine .

FullySwindonian · 06/05/2014 13:18

Assuming he's single, you won't necessarily conceive the first time round, so it's going to take a lot of bedhopping and that could stir up old feelings for him.

Unless you're going the turkey baster route, in which case he'd have to agree to the idea, and he might be concerned about the financial implications of bringing another child into the world that he may be liable for.

If you just want a child to 'entertain' your sibling, adoption is ideal.

Fideline987654321 · 06/05/2014 17:00

If you just want a child to 'entertain' your sibling, adoption is ideal.

Oh yes. Adoption; that easy and well known process for procuring playmates for birth children

Lioninthesun · 06/05/2014 17:15

They are trying to get the adoption process down to 6 months, so actually it could be a lot quicker and easier than being pg for 9 months and possibly rocking the boat with a man who is just about doing the bare minimum for a kid he already made...

Lioninthesun · 06/05/2014 17:16

*Not saying it is 'easy' but it would cut out a lot of the ?'s over this OP.

Fideline987654321 · 06/05/2014 17:18

Adoption is never 'easy'. It involves huge grief and loss and a plethora of potential challenges.

Lioninthesun · 06/05/2014 17:22

Well if she isn't expecting any hardship at all then perhaps having a 2nd child on her own with a guy who may do a runner at any point whilst relying on older relatives for child support isn't the best way forward?

Fideline987654321 · 06/05/2014 17:24

Does anyone plan a family expecting no hardship of any sort? It comes with the territory.

Adoption is a much much harder proposition, however.

DuckandCat · 06/05/2014 17:29

I don't think it's a bad idea at all (assuming your ex agrees)

If me and DH were to split-up on good terms (obviously there are a million variables!) I would consider this. DH is a devoted father and always will be.

A child being brought into the world by two loving and willing parents can't be a bad thing?

I think it all depends on your ex's response OP, but doesn't sound 'mad' to me.

Lilka · 06/05/2014 19:47

If you just want a child to 'entertain' your sibling, adoption is ideal

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no....you get the picture. NO. Never adopt with 'sibling for my child' as a primary motivation. I can't state enough what a bad idea that is. Also, social services won't accept that as the reason you want to adopt. Primary motivation should beI want another child, for me, very very much.

Also, the approval process is aiming to be 6 months. Not the whole process, matching is a whole 'nother part of it.

It's not easier than giving birth. There really are huge issues to think about and consider in depth, and yes, it involves loss and a plethora of issues to consider, a raft of new ?'s and uncertainties that wouldn't have been there otherwise. Not saying that it's not wonderful and a fantastic choice for some people, but it's nearly always a tougher path than having sex and getting pregnant (if you're fertile).

This is probably a moot point because OP wants a sibling with the same Dad, in which case adoption is off the table anyway, aside from it really really really not being the route to take if you want another child primarily to give your existing children siblings

elizalovelace · 07/05/2014 20:36

Can you afford another child by supporting your family yourself,or are you expecting the state to have to fund you all?

Viviennemary · 07/05/2014 20:42

When I first saw the title of this thread I was shocked. But maybe it isn't such a bad idea. Better than some man you haven't known very long. I think it's worth considering but do think about the problems it could create. Would this new baby be treated the same by your ex as your other child. I can see why people say don't but on the other hand well maybe it could work.

Lioninthesun · 07/05/2014 20:45

I think people were taking me literally/seriously - I was trying to point out what a sham this would be by trying to show that if she thinks this is going to be easy on her own then she needs to think again.

I clearly said adoption isn't easy and was using it as a way to reiterate how hard being a single mum to 2 could be. If you aren't going to put as much thought into your own child as you would have to to adopt it doesn't say much for the reasons or how well this has been thought out. Just because it is easier to get pg than adopt doesn't mean it is right not to think just as hard about a new life because no one is going to put a panel in front of you to decide if you are actually capable.

Either way OP doesn't appear to be coming back to answer any questions about her finances or whether her exp is willing to play daddy again, which is a shame.

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