Is it mad to ask ex to father a sibling for dd?

[Justfoundabanana]

I'm a single parent with a dd who is nearly 2 and I'd really like her to have a sibling, I'm considering asking my ex to (ahem) help out. Is this a terrible plan? My ex is not the most help but I can cope financially and he is around, and an ok dad, if a bit selfish and lazy (and slept with his ex).
I really value my siblings as an adult and want that for dd, I want her to have someone who understands where she's from, someone to play with, fight with and grow up with. I worry that just me and her will be too intense a relationship, and boring for her to just have me for company. I can't imagine meeting anyone else anytime soon, and even if I did the age gap would be big and having different dads would mean they had different lives.
I appreciate it'll be tough in the next couple of years but I have support from friends and family. I'm not sure how approving some of them would be if I did of this, and it's impossible to get impartial advice on this, but I strongly feel the best thing in the world that I could give my dd would be a sibling. Can anyone convince me that this is a bad idea?

Well it has been quite emphatic Arcadia and laced with a vigorous defence of only children (who weren't being attacked) and questions about whether the OP judges women with DC by more than one man (based on what)?

People have used words and phrases including; 'madness', 'immature', 'flaw in your logic', 'heartache', 'terrible', 'way to ensure he stays tied to you', 'you could consider adoption', 'ill thought out' etc etc

I have often seen 'considering sperm donor' OPs attract less hostility, yes.

OP was only canvassing views, after all.

But as you say, we have different experiences.

What do you say to the child when he/she grows up and knows they will never live with their father and never had a chance to?

I wouldn't do that - adoption would be better.

Don't know about a mad or bad idea but it has the makings of a Thursday night sitcom.

I agree there seems to be some projection going on out there...

OP, I think if you and ExP agree you'd like a second child and agree the terms of it on it's own merits and neither of you are looking to it to be a fix to your relationship woes, it's not necessarily a dreadful idea. There may be less support (or support may be divided between the two) as 2toddlers are certainly harder than 1 baby to look after, but I'm sure family would be there for you.

The concern would be more in terms of the relationship with exP. I think you need to be really clear in your mind (and with him) what you want. Is it purely sperm donor and occasional daddy visits or is it co-parenting. If the latter is sounds like you might end up disappointed or frustrated.

I understand the desire to gave another baby to 'complete' the family and 'give' your DD a sibling. I think you've had a rough ride on that side from some PP but they do raise good points - not all siblings get along. They might fight more than they play together. On both counts (exP and DD+1) I'd paint the worst scenarios (e.g. siblings fight like cat and dog and exP buggers of with ex, leaving you to it with less family support for 2) and then think if you still want to go ahead.

Good luck

How recently did you part with your ex?

As your DD is just 2, I can't imagine it was that long ago.

So parents split up, then mummy has a baby, and still daddy isn't around.

All your attention is devoted to the new baby, and she maybe sees her dad every weekend, getting to share his attention with the baby, and then going home again.

That actually sounds even lonelier to me...

I'm not intending to be hostile - I'm also not the judge saying yes or no to the op's family planning.

What I am is a single mother to more than one dc who has a reasonably amicable relationship with their father. I don't know what it's like to be a single parent to one but I know that from one to two was a harder adjustment than two to three and onwards and that was in a good marriage (at that point!) and with support.
The divorce and contact has been hard enough for the dc, adding a second at that point would have been unfair on everyone involved.

I have family support but that doesn't mean they replace paid childcare, multiple children are expensive. You have twice/three/ four times as many potential sick days & unpaid leave etc when you need your wage to go further.
I have a disabled child - what happens when the ex is needed for support, what will the op do if she needs to give up work to become a carer?
Likely? No but all points need to be considered, I wasn't high risk it was just one of those things.

Do I think reasons for wanting to make a new person are important? I do actually. It's not my business, having children is ultimately selfish but you want the child - wanting a sibling is not the same.
It really doesn't matter what we say in terms of the op making her choice, if she wants to she will.
But I think it's important that other pov are presented for consideration.
It reads to me as a very superficial idea not underpinned by a great deal of the reality of reduction of opportunity or time with the dc or, or, or - something has to give, you have to balance the needs of two, possibly very different, children.
There's favouritism to consider - will dc2 get the same parenting by their father or will the child he wanted be golden and the other one scapegoated and blamed for the inconveniences of two?
Not things you can know ahead of time of course but you can make a fair stab.
This should be a decision based on the child there will be - I may be reading wrongly but the reasons are somebIve seen used to get a child a dog - and the family. Yes, I think you don't create a person not for themselves but as environmental enrichment for the main child.
Which is how the whole plan reads for me.
Hopefully the op comes back, expands/defends her argument (not that she's beholden to the thread but because her ex will probably require a fully formed one) and it helps her to either:
Decide not to go ahead
Decide xyz needs to happen beforehand
Decide nothing else is required and ask ex.

All view points should be as valid as any here whether they agree or not. All of it is food for thought and I suspect a lot will be repeated by the family she will be telling and getting support from. If you have the courage of your convictions then it's all grist to the mill. If you don't better you realize now than later.

I'm the only child of a single parent, and I cherish our very close relationship, it was lovely growing up not to have to "share" her. Plus there's no guarantee your DD would get on with her siblings if she had them, plenty of people don't.

Everyone keeps saying they might not get on siblings, but the other chance is that they will get on. Op yoh just mustbe very clear with your expectations. And having 1 child go on to daddy whilst theur sibling does not, is not on. Your ex would have to agree to coparenting any other subsequent child as well if he does with your 1st. I have met a number of parents that do not live together but still have a decent relationship with their ex and children, some even have more. Its not that potty as it sounds. It completky depends on your circumstances.

I hate this phone!

I do think OP needs to look at why this man is an ex. Either she wants him in her life even more than he is now or she doesn't. Sadly the more I think of it the more it seems she doesn't want him to move on - the comment about him sleeping with his ex and now a plan to make him even more committed to visiting and sharing experiences with OP.

I don't know why suggesting adoption is such a bad idea either

People usually use donors so that they don't have the involvement of another man - here it seems to be the opposite. OP is hoping to drag someone she has said is 'selfish and lazy' into parenthood once more, and I don't think we are wrong to ask why.

I think you should consider the idea. I see no reason to dismiss it. You want another baby. You think you could cope and afford it. You don't have a partner. Your DD's father seems the best choice.

If you were considering a random sperm donor people would not say you should not do it if you felt you were ready for a child on your own.

You would obviously need your ex to really want another child too in order for your visions of the 2 DCs to go for day trips with him to work.

OP, what if it takes a while for you to get pregnant? Are you and ex going to carry on shagging for months (or even years) until it happens? Because that would be a seriously bad idea and v confusing for everyone concerned.

I'm not particularly close to my brother despite a small age gap. He's a nice guy but we are very different people, we don't have a lot in common.

I wish I had been an only child. Can't stand my sister and never have been able to! I know lots of people that are at best 'not close' to their sibs. It's not a given.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and comments, both for and against. That is why I asked a group of total strangers after all! To be clear, I very much would like another baby, for me personally, and for dd to have a sibling, and for new baby to have sibling. For us to be a bigger family. I thought if I put that on here, I'd get slated for being selfish. I want another baby, and I want the sibling element.

I do hold the opinion that having siblings is in general a good thing (learning to share, company etc) even if not best friends, a sibling is still for most people someone who will be there for you no matter what. Obviously there are plenty worse things in this world, but I would like this for my dd. not everyone will agree with me if course, and that's fine.

I do have support from my parents and other family with children nearby, my mum was an only child and she is one of the people who has influenced me on this-she hated being an only child, and I know that my parents would continue to help if this did happened.

I know it would be very hard especially for the first few years, but after that I think that two children are likely to play with each other to some extent which will make parenting easier. I'm not saying easy at all, as I'm sure lots of you can agree.

I only split up with ex recently and we have a decent relationship. He babysits and has dd for 1/2 days at weekends in general. We don't have a formal money arrangement, and to be honest I wouldn't imagine he'd contribute more, but he is a loving dad.

I honestly am not trying to snare him back. If anything having dd was what ended our relationship, so having a second would absolutely not be the way to do it, if that's what I wanted! I would be much more nervous of having a second child if we were together. He wasn't much help and we argued over lots of things like breast feeding and sleep (the usual).

No judgements about kids by different dads, and perhaps that will happen for me one day. I just can't imagine bringing another man into our lives at the moment and would want to be sure before I had a child with someone else. If that did happen there would necessarily be a bigger gap which in my opinion makes good sibling relationships less likely (though not impossible at all), and the different lives but comes in because I meant that ex would obviously still have time with dd, but not a half sibling-therefore creating 'different lives'. And dd would feel different to any half siblings who didn't go for time with my ex.

I do appreciate all your comments, it has made me think, which was the point. I don't honestly know what my ex would say.....

Then I think you have to at least make the suggestion to him and see and then come back and let us know! :)

Maybe it's because you posted in Lone Parents rather than chat or something, or just who is about - but I have seen this thread topic numerous times over the years, but never have I seen so many negative replies. Mind you, I guess quite a few of them are from the same few people... so maybe not as many as it 'feels' like.

If you are ready to be a parent to another child and he's a half decent Dad and thinks this is a good idea too, then you know what - I think it's a good idea. You seem to want it, most children enjoy having siblings and a child that's wanted and loved is never a bad thing.

Let us know what he says if you ask him!

I think the flaw in your logic is the bit where you allude to the expectation that both DC would go off to visit him together. That means you will be asking him for substantial input into family life, and for him to really be able to take them he should really have PR.

And of course legally he would be financially responsible for the second child.

So this is not a 'no strings' plan.

If your wish is simply for a sibling, then licensed sperm donor is a far better arrangement.

I don't think it's the worst idea. You want a baby, and if you're in a position to provide financially for the next 20 years, then do it.

I would say don't do it. He hasn't treated you well. You will find a better person to be with and could have a child with them. One of my children has a different father but they are as close as if they had the same dad.

I don't blame you for wanting your child not to be an only though - I would love to have had a sibling.

Can you think of any reason why your ex would go along with this? . He's either in another relationship already, or can envision one in the future; why would he continue to have children with his ex, purely because she wants to?
Most blokes in his situation would see any possible future children as being part of his next relationship, not his last one.

I don't think it's a bad idea - as long as he's on board.

Is he in another relationship now? Would cause problems if he is

Would you sleep with him or use ahem, another method?

You might end up getting back together? ?

I can't quite get my head around the practical aspects.

Assuming he said yes, would you expect to sleep together? Or would be donate the sperm for you to use?

What if you didn't fall pregnant straight away? How long would you keep trying?

What if either one of you met someone else in the interim period?

And those are just the more 'positive' brickbats that could get thrown into your works,

What if, heaven forbid, you do conceive a baby and miscarry? Would you try again?

What if you conceive a baby and it is born with additional needs? Could you cope on your own, or would you have to rely on him for support?

What if you conceive twins? 1 in 60 natural pregnancies are twins, so it's not impossible. Could you cope with three?

What if you sign away your new baby's claims on your XP's financial support and then lose your job? Or fall ill and can't work?

Obviously I truly hope that none of those things happen to you, but anyone actively TTC needs to give them some thought, IMO. The situation is just ten times more complicated for co-parents rather than a couple.

I think you're mythologising the benefits of a subling
Ignoring the practicalities,youre lone parent,finite money,loose financial arrangement with the dad
How will you fund two kids?
how long mat leave? Do you work?
How long will you and ex keep trying,will you fuck til you get pg.?
Ex has loose current financial arrangement,will he step up for two kids
You said having one child caused breakdown relationship with ex,so how is two good idea
Why have you let the ex have an informal pay what he wants finances?
You say he wont want to pay more than he does for one,so unlikely he'll finance two