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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is it mad to ask ex to father a sibling for dd?

100 replies

Justfoundabanana · 02/05/2014 23:14

I'm a single parent with a dd who is nearly 2 and I'd really like her to have a sibling, I'm considering asking my ex to (ahem) help out. Is this a terrible plan? My ex is not the most help but I can cope financially and he is around, and an ok dad, if a bit selfish and lazy (and slept with his ex).
I really value my siblings as an adult and want that for dd, I want her to have someone who understands where she's from, someone to play with, fight with and grow up with. I worry that just me and her will be too intense a relationship, and boring for her to just have me for company. I can't imagine meeting anyone else anytime soon, and even if I did the age gap would be big and having different dads would mean they had different lives.
I appreciate it'll be tough in the next couple of years but I have support from friends and family. I'm not sure how approving some of them would be if I did of this, and it's impossible to get impartial advice on this, but I strongly feel the best thing in the world that I could give my dd would be a sibling. Can anyone convince me that this is a bad idea?

OP posts:

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 00:17

Personally, I think it's awful to have a child not because you want that child, but because you want your first child to have a sibling!

I disagree there jin; I bet it is a consideration that has been a factor in many many decisions to conceive #2 or #3 etc. Besides, the OP doesn't say that sibling provision is her ONLY motivation.

Ohbyethen · 03/05/2014 00:17

Agreed completely with Scottismummy.

You can't base this decision on any romanticised notion. You don't seem to be thinking about a whole second person of their own not just a sibling.
You have an idyllic notion but I can guarantee you if you asked you will find as many siblings that hate each other as you will unhappy onlys.
In fact stacking the odds against it working out without conflict by being a single parent you'll halve the resources you can give your dd and may well find she's not too happy about it.
You can't map out a child's future - they must go to dad's together so they can relate - what if either child doesn't?

If you want a whole person, an individual, unique and precious human being then fine. But you seem to want an identikit kid to fulfill needs you are projecting onto your daughter.
And in order to make this happen you have to get an ex seemingly slightly unenthusiastic parent to donate sperm to create a child he'll be expected to parent and pay for in the eyes of the law.
He'd be foolish to agree tbh.

Lioninthesun · 03/05/2014 00:18

Yes, I was wondering if it is a way to ensure he stays tied to you.

I don't want to sound harsh about it but you are not together, so he would potentially have to explain to a new date how this all came about... Not many women would think him a great catch at that point.

Arcadia · 03/05/2014 00:19

ohbythen I completely agree and much better expressed than my post!

Arcadia · 03/05/2014 00:21

Also if he has slept with his ex and you don't know who else since, you would need to get him screened for STDs etc. too.

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 00:22

There is a LOT of projection going on here. OP hasn't said half the things being attributed to her.

To want more than one child is hardly odd or unusual, to aspire to them being close in age and/or full siblings isn't bizarre either. Neither of those preferences represents a rejection/criticism of only children and their families.

Lioninthesun · 03/05/2014 00:25

To want more than one child is hardly odd or unusual, to aspire to them being close in age and/or full siblings isn't bizarre either
I disagree. This is in Lone Parents. I think I can speak for many of us when I say there is not a chance in hell we would even consider going back to our exes and creating yet another life.

Arcadia · 03/05/2014 00:27

'Boring', 'too intense', no one who understands her, lots of people who hated being an only child, doesn't know anyone who thinks it was great being an only child. All lifted from OPs posts above.

This is what it is about Fideline.

OP is considering doing something many consider ill advised based on an oft trotted out cliche about lonely/maladjusted/unhappy/pining only children.

Or else she is just broody and still fancies her ex.

AlpacaYourThings · 03/05/2014 00:28

OP, what do you think your ex-p would think about this? Would he be keen on the idea?

TheAwfulDaughter · 03/05/2014 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 00:29

Well I was pregnant with #2 when I realised I would be an LP (took a bit longer to escape), maybe that colours my thinking. And really, shift things a few months, it could have happened that way for the OP too.

I wouldn't have gone back to my arse of an ex for anything, not even a kleenex, but clearly that isn't the toxic state of afairs for OP and her ex or she wouldn't be considering it.

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 00:30

OP is considering doing something many consider ill advised based on an oft trotted out cliche about lonely/maladjusted/unhappy/pining only children.

It doesn't read that way to me Arcadia

BiscuitMillionaire · 03/05/2014 00:30

Why on earth would your ex want to father another child, and be financially responsible for them, as well as personally?

Lioninthesun · 03/05/2014 00:31

Can I ask, when you say financially secure - is your DD in nursery? Would you need her sibling to be in as well? Have you set out regular payments with her father (CSA?), and would you consider doing the same here?

I'm trying to get a handle on why you think having 2 children as a lone parent will be so simple.

Arcadia · 03/05/2014 00:32

We are coming at it from different angles Fideline from our own experiences, so I respect the fact that we have our own interpretations.

Jinsei · 03/05/2014 00:33

It's not projection, just a different point of view.

Obviously it's not bizarre to want a second child, but to consider having a child with your ex just so that your first child can have a sibling is quite extreme. The OP has made her views on only children quite clear. She is perfectly entitled to those views, but she has asked for the views of other people.

My personal view is that being an only child has many advantages (for the child, not just the parents) as well as disadvantages, and the sane could be said of having siblings. In light if this, I think she'd be nuts to have a baby with a man she doesn't love, who has hasn't exactly proved himself to be a great dad first time round.

The OP doesn't have to listen to others' opinions, but she did ask!

TequilaMockingbirdy · 03/05/2014 00:33

If you're not financially secure and not funding the first child without help (not included from the father) please don't

That's before you even think about having another child with your ex.

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 00:33

Do you judge women who have different children by different fathers? It's a preposterous decision to say different dads means different lives

Not everyone wants two under 5s on different visitation/contact schedules. That doesn't mean she's judging- maybe she regards women with DC by more than one man with exhausted admiration but wants a simpler life awful?

Sheesh. Like I said - projection.

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 00:37

but to consider having a child with your ex just so that your first child can have a sibling is quite extreme.

Plenty of plans to visit sperm banks, plans to use unregulated sperm donors, plans to co-parent with an old friend etc have been received with less outright hostility on these boards. I'm struggling to see the big difference.

Thumbwitch · 03/05/2014 00:37

Nothing wrong with having just the one - and she'll have friends, so it won't just be "you and her" forever.

But I can see why you'd want to have a full sibling (as opposed to half) if possible - the thing you haven't said is, would it be possible?
Do you get on well with your ex?
Does he pay for your DD? Would he be prepared to pay for another one?
Do you think he'd go for it or run a mile?

If he's basically a decent person who would agree and who would support you and the baby, then it's not the most awful idea in the world. If he wouldn't want anything to do with another baby, then it's an abysmal idea.

Only you can know how he's likely to react, and even then you might be wrong.

BrianTheMole · 03/05/2014 00:38

I don't think its a bad idea if the ex agrees also. If I was in a different position its something I would consider myself. One of my close friends did do exactly this. It works ok for her.

Arcadia · 03/05/2014 00:39

'Outright hostility'-really? Who is projecting now?! Most people just saying it is not a good idea in their opinion. OP asked for opinions. No one is being rude to her.

slithytove · 03/05/2014 00:45

I don't think it's that bad an idea. OP, I hope you aren't too scared to come back and give us more information!

To be honest, your motivation behind having another child doesn't matter, it's no one elses business and no one can choose someone else's family for them.

What might your ex say? Would he support a new baby, does he support your dd? Is he attached?

Think it through, think of all the possible questions, answer them, and then when you feel ready, put it to him. He can only say no.

PassAFist · 03/05/2014 00:46

I don't think it is a terrible idea, as long as the ex agrees. I also don't think it necessarily involves re-igniting a relationship that went wrong - lots of babies conceived with the help of a turkey baster!

I do think that you should have back-ups in place that don't depend on the goodwill of others though.

slithytove · 03/05/2014 00:47

And you wouldn't have to explain to anyone how the baby came about, not even your kids.

If you felt you had to, then "a tipsy night of reminiscing lead to something more" should do the trick

Would you go for the natural methods or a turkey baster?

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