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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is it mad to ask ex to father a sibling for dd?

100 replies

Justfoundabanana · 02/05/2014 23:14

I'm a single parent with a dd who is nearly 2 and I'd really like her to have a sibling, I'm considering asking my ex to (ahem) help out. Is this a terrible plan? My ex is not the most help but I can cope financially and he is around, and an ok dad, if a bit selfish and lazy (and slept with his ex).
I really value my siblings as an adult and want that for dd, I want her to have someone who understands where she's from, someone to play with, fight with and grow up with. I worry that just me and her will be too intense a relationship, and boring for her to just have me for company. I can't imagine meeting anyone else anytime soon, and even if I did the age gap would be big and having different dads would mean they had different lives.
I appreciate it'll be tough in the next couple of years but I have support from friends and family. I'm not sure how approving some of them would be if I did of this, and it's impossible to get impartial advice on this, but I strongly feel the best thing in the world that I could give my dd would be a sibling. Can anyone convince me that this is a bad idea?

OP posts:

curiousgeorgie · 02/05/2014 23:18

It's a terrible idea. Do not do it.

I have a wonderful stepbrother, 13 years my juniors and we are incredibly close.

MrGeresChocolateButtPlug · 02/05/2014 23:18

It's a bad idea. Sorry.

scottishmummy · 02/05/2014 23:29

Dont be so immature.its ill thought out,sorry you're reasons aren't good
You cannot replicate your upbringing,by simply having a baby
And you'll be reliant upon others,and their good will

wilkos · 02/05/2014 23:37

No. Just no. On paper it sounds great. In practice it will cause heartache.

scottishmummy · 02/05/2014 23:43

Its not great on paper.its not great anywhere

rinabean · 02/05/2014 23:47

A sperm donor would be a better idea if you really want to do this. It will be so so messy to even ask this of your ex, let alone do it!

Original poster

Justfoundabanana · 02/05/2014 23:48

Thanks the honest feedback. That's what I came for. I agree about being reliant on other people, and that's a good point. But I'm not trying to replicate my upbringing, just giving dd a sibling. I know lots if people who hated being only children-and surely worse to be only child of single parent?
Any merit at all in my argument??

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 02/05/2014 23:51

Sperm donor is dreadful idea

scottishmummy · 02/05/2014 23:54

You are placing value judgement on being singleton,and thats a flaw in your logic
And you'll be reliant on goodwill others,not all supportive.its ill thought out

Original poster

Justfoundabanana · 02/05/2014 23:58

Sperm donor definitely not an option, the point is to have sibling with same dad. I wouldn't want to have dd go off to her dads on a Saturday and the other dc not, that's sort of the point. So dd has someone who knows what it's like to be her (not exactly obviously, but to understand)

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 03/05/2014 00:01

I would imagine your ex would run a mile. He doesn't sound as though he was ready for fatherhood the first time around.

Also you need to appreciate how much harder your DC will get with the toddler years, how much nursery fees will be for 2, how less likely people will want to help out with 2 kids where 1 was fine...

It does sound as though you are just broody, sorry.

scottishmummy · 03/05/2014 00:01

Look,youre projecting an assumption that inly child=something to be fixed
If your dd is happy,loved.thats enough.you don't need to produce another just because

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 03/05/2014 00:03

If you can emotionally and financially cope AND he is in agreement, i actually dont see the problem. But clearly he woukd need to want this as w3ll!. If this is what you want they if you dont speak to ex about it then you will never know. See what resonse from him you get.

Jinsei · 03/05/2014 00:04

Personally, I think it's awful to have a child not because you want that child, but because you want your first child to have a sibling!

But anyway, being an only child is hardly the worst scenario for your dd. My dd loves being an only - there are huge advantages, you know. And not all siblings are close as adults...

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 03/05/2014 00:04

Sorry for typos! Bloody phone.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/05/2014 00:07

I actually don't think it's a bad idea. If all that';s wrong with XP is that he's a bit selfish and lazy (rather than being violent, druggy or a financial parasite or whatever) then there's no real reason why he shouldn't be the father of another child.
It's certainly not compulsory to be in a relationship with your DC's other parent, to be good co-parents. Lots of people are good parents but lousy partners (or bad partners for the other parent)

You know the man better than MNers do, obviously - do you think he's likely to agree? One possible problem might be - if he is in a supposedly monogamous relationship with someone else, she might well object to him fathering another child with you,but if he's currently single then it's up to him.

Lioninthesun · 03/05/2014 00:09

Maybe your ex will have another baby with someone else and start another family. Then your DD will have half siblings? You can't plan a future with this man as he is not yours to plan with and you have already said he isn't trustworthy.

If you still feel the same next year you could consider adoption - helping a child who actually needs a home rather than creating one so that your current child doesn't get bored

I am an only child and yes, I would have liked siblings at points of my life. However I have very close friends, probably more than most people, who I see as my family. They say blood is thicker than water, but you can't ditch siblings you don't like. Don't assume they would like each other!

TheSpottedZebra · 03/05/2014 00:12

Are you expecting him to fund the child? And if not - how would you put in place the legal framework that says he does not have to?

Gumblossom · 03/05/2014 00:13

I agree with Solid. It may not be such a terrible idea, it really does depend on whether your ex likes the idea.

I don't agree that wanting a sibling for your child is in some way a rejection of having an only child as scottishmummy suggests.

At least you are giving the idea of having another child some thought, rather than having a child with no thought to the consequences as many do.

It is really down to what you and dd's father want to do.

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 00:14

I don't think it's necessarily an awful idea either.

Has your ex ever expressed desire to have more than one? How do you get on generally

Original poster

Justfoundabanana · 03/05/2014 00:15

Jinsel-I do want another child. I'd have 5 if things were different! Yes, I am a broody, for sure, but also more strongly want it for her. I don't know any one who thinks it was great that they were an only child. I can see advantages of that as a parent but not for the dc in long term. I know that's a personal opinion and lots of people will disagree.

Thanks pancakes :)

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 03/05/2014 00:15

Sorry, sounds like utter madness to me.

Presumably he is an ex for a reason, and if you wouldn't jump straight back into your previous relationship with him why would you want another child him?

Arcadia · 03/05/2014 00:16

I have an only DD and am a bit defensive on the only child issue, as I think there are pros and cons on both sides. But I really don't like the phrase 'giving' a child a sibling, you don't 'give' a person to another person. Your DD may well not thank you for it, at the time or in the future! You may be sentimentalising the sibling bond.

I think this could also be quite confusing for your DD and the child conceived in this way, and you may be underestimating how tough single parenting would be. Also it would be confusing for you to explain to a new partner how us you went about this.

Perhaps you still have feelings for your ex and think it may bring him back to you, on some level?

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/05/2014 00:17

It is a bad idea.

Arcadia · 03/05/2014 00:17

Just read your latest post. I know several people, including my DP and one of my best friends I was out with tonight, who loved being only children. I hate the prejudice about it, like it is some kind of affliction!

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