Mum, I don't want to see Dad anymore

[enderwoman]

These are the words that my dd have just said.

Bit of background- I have 3 kids (12,10,7) Dd is the 10 year old. I split from their Dad a year ago. He left to be with OW and was EA.
Ds1 doesn't see ex as he knows that he was EA and is angry with him. Ds2 does not see ex as ex was a lazy dad who did not properly bond. Dd has been seeing ex weekly. Ex saw the boys on Xmas day for 45 minutes because I invited him in when he picked up dd.

Ex and I are neither friendly or acrimonious. We organise gifts for each other from the Judson each other's birthdays/Xmas but don't see each other in person sort of arrangement.

Dd has confessed that she'd rather not see him anymore. Her reasons are
1- ex lives 2 hours away which means being in a car 4 hours per weekend.
2- He's "mean" (I think she means EA) Her examples are that she feels scared to tell him what she wants (like for him to change the channel from Top Gear)
3- Contact time is boring. She doesn't exactly have an amazing time with me but she says that I "do stuff" with her which is what she wants.
4- She feels that she is intruding on ex and ow. Ex and ow have been living together a year.

What do I do? Ex loves the kids but as my 3 dc say he will never love anyone more than himself.(How did they get so smart?) She currently has 2 weekends with me followed by 1 weekend with ex (Fri night to Mon morning) and no mid week contact so it's hardly excessive.

I'm gutted that it's such a mess. Ex FIL is estranged from his 4 kids and we've created another generation who don't want to know their Dad

Mediation in cases of DV and EA won't necessarily lead to good communication for both parents though. It can lead to an extension of the EA which can affect how comfortable one parent feels expressing their views and can lead to them being stomped all over just like the EA during the relationship. So every time mediation is recommended to a parent who has experienced EA and may be frightened of the other parent, you are basically recommending them opening themselves up to further abuse. And it's obviously not the only prospect of a good outcome. That's what courts are for.

But I'm guessing that's just a way of saying it's the only prospect for the EA parent to get exactly what he, sorry, they want from the arrangements.

Hi Dolly; I think that perhaps EA won't mean the same thing for everyone and, peoples views of whether they have suffered EA may change over time. But even in the scenario you describe, yes, if some form of mediation can be safely managed then its worth trying. Certainly the family courts will engage in dispute resolution meetings. In care proceedings mothers and fathers who are demonstrably abusive will participate in family group conferences. So the idea of shuttle mediation doesnt strike me as particularly outlandish.
We dont agree on much and i resisted responding to your last post as I didnt want to get into a slanging match. But coming back to this lady's post. A child not wanting to see their dad is very sad, it would be equally sad if she didn't want to see her mum. Surely anything that might help that kid is worth trying.

No slanging match required Dark Knight. You are a DA apologist, most likely a perpetrator and you repeatedly suggest that vulnerable women and children are placed in situations in which they are open to further abuse. Fortunately there are many wimen in this board who recognise your agenda and will continue to call you out on it.

Monet - i think its ironic and sad those genuine woman who suffer abuse have the term tarnished by your labeling nonsense.

The OP states that her ex was EA to her and is currently possibly being EA to their child. It's clear there what the OP thinks and so mediation should not be recommended.

And there you are with your child centric comments to induce guilt again. "Surely anything that might help that kid is worth trying." No. Not if it puts the child's mother at risk of EA or manipulation or further mental distress. A woman who is used to being manipulated by a partner will find it hard to stand her ground at mediation even with a messenger between them and will be as manipulated and pressured as she may have been in the relationship. Why would you even recommend someone expose themselves to further abuse? Especially under the guilt of doing the best for her child?

And as an aside, I also think you are extremely typical of an abusive man and I find it disgusting that you come on here and give such terrible information to vulnerable women and dress it up as good advice. I feel so uncomfortable to think there are women out there who might actually listen to someone who is so clearly biased and misinformed.

Is it just me or is it all posters who disagree with you?

Hi Dolly - I guess the olive branch idea didnt get very far. In brief reply; in some cases no communication is appropriate. In other cases, no communication will be a source of additional worry or stress for a resident parent. So, shuttle mediation, does have a place. Not all the time, but shouldnt be written off. As mentioned its an approach already widely adopted. Sorry to read you think im abusive too, i shall continue to be a model of manners and hopefully change your mind :)

it's just you. do fuck off

In all fairness any form of mediation is not recommended when abuse is involved.

Family group conferences are very very different things.

hi reluctant - that kinda comment just makes me want to post more you know

Hi Sockret - i agree the power relationship inherent in an abuse relationship does not lend itself to tradiational forms of mediation. However, wether you call it conflict resolution or shuttle mediation or whatever...forms of communication between parties to narrow differences do take place routinely in the family court.
I think FGC's are a useful comparison as you have abusive or neglectful people in a mediated environment. Am not saying its the same as a separated couple but some of the principles of externalising issues to find a way forward would overlap.

Abusive men usually display impeccable manners. It's what gives rise to the phrase 'street angel/house devil', widely referred to in DV recovery programs. Every post you make confirms your agenda. I hope your Ex partner/ partners and children ate safe for you now. Your focus/obsession with lone parents on MN suggests that you have in fact lost control of your own victims and have had to shift your attentions elsewhere.

DarkKnight.

How does it help a child if you don't protect them?

Hey Monet - you are right i ought to spend less time one here :) Stop insulting me...let me get bored, please!!

Yes they do,of course they do but you are massively over simplifying matters.

You will not change my mind. I've read many of your posts over my time here and every single one just reinforces what I already know about you. I don't want an olive branch from you so don't patronise me with that rubbish either.

It is interesting how you switch between the charm offensive, passive aggressive comments and use certain ways of speaking. It's just so typical of an EA man that if there was a big red light above your head it would be flashing right now. I agree with Monet. You can't manipulate or control your own ex anymore so you come on here and try and manipulate and control the women seeking advice by feeding them posts full of guilt inducing words, dangerous advice and basically any advice that would actually help the man in their lives succeed.

Sockret - i think the litmus test for any intervention is protecting the child and that issue should be the main determining factor.

Part of that would be protection from emotional harm due to exposure to parental conflict. I suggest that communication will in many cases reduce that risk. I also think that mothers and fathers when separating often put forward a self serving narrative that deflects blame away from themselves and locates it with the other parent. That narrative will be sincerely believed. Over time that narrative can actually change. Communication can help that process.

Ok dolly, its a fair cop, you got me bang to rights, i think from now you should just ignore me

Not while you keep giving out the shitty advice :)

And you seem to miss the point that part of protecting the child means protecting the main carer because they will both be so closely linked. Part of that is not putting the main carer in a position of being abused. So no mediation.

How many women have 'falsely' accused you of DA Dark Knight ?

You have realised this op is asking for support for now,don't you? Her child is to frightened to even ask to turn the tv over at dads,this is current not future.

Perhaps you should avoid abuse threads.

Given the change in the law regarding family cases due in a few months time, I imagine the way in which DA/EA is identified will have to be clarified - does anyone know what the standard of "proof" will be?

If an allegation of EA provided parents in conflict with the only chance to avoid mediation, then the number of allegations from either party will increase significantly, I expect?

Dolly - as ever, for some reason your posts make me smile
Monet - you get as nasty as you want am not going to respond in kind. Sending you positive vibes over the net :)

Sockret - I feel my advice was supportive, although i admit to getting to getting sidetracked, but will try not to respond to further abuse.

Not that different to how children's services prove it.