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Original poster

Mum, I don't want to see Dad anymore

138 replies

enderwoman · 17/01/2014 19:38

These are the words that my dd have just said.

Bit of background- I have 3 kids (12,10,7) Dd is the 10 year old. I split from their Dad a year ago. He left to be with OW and was EA.
Ds1 doesn't see ex as he knows that he was EA and is angry with him. Ds2 does not see ex as ex was a lazy dad who did not properly bond. Dd has been seeing ex weekly. Ex saw the boys on Xmas day for 45 minutes because I invited him in when he picked up dd.

Ex and I are neither friendly or acrimonious. We organise gifts for each other from the Judson each other's birthdays/Xmas but don't see each other in person sort of arrangement.

Dd has confessed that she'd rather not see him anymore. Her reasons are
1- ex lives 2 hours away which means being in a car 4 hours per weekend.
2- He's "mean" (I think she means EA) Her examples are that she feels scared to tell him what she wants (like for him to change the channel from Top Gear)
3- Contact time is boring. She doesn't exactly have an amazing time with me but she says that I "do stuff" with her which is what she wants.
4- She feels that she is intruding on ex and ow. Ex and ow have been living together a year.

What do I do? Ex loves the kids but as my 3 dc say he will never love anyone more than himself.(How did they get so smart?) She currently has 2 weekends with me followed by 1 weekend with ex (Fri night to Mon morning) and no mid week contact so it's hardly excessive.

I'm gutted that it's such a mess. Ex FIL is estranged from his 4 kids and we've created another generation who don't want to know their Dad Sad

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/01/2014 11:32

Then you need to back her up. It is that simple even if in the long run he makes it impossible to prevent her going you backing her up is important.

Mrscaindingle · 19/01/2014 15:24

I think some posters on here have been very harsh enderwoman I am in a similar situation with my 2 DS (ages 13 & 10) who at the moment are refusing to speak to their Dad who lives abroad.
I've tried everything I can think of to persuade them but have come to the conclusion that I cannot force them to do so. They are very hurt and angry and I feel they do need to feel listened to even if I wish for their sakes they could have some sort of relationship with their Dad.
I know my ex is blaming me for having poisoned them against him but equally he is unable to accept responsibility for making rotten decisions which have had a devastating effect on our family.
It's a really tough one, I would say that you need to try and speak to your ex and give him a chance to work on his relationship with your DD first.
Good luck.

ItsDecisionTime · 20/01/2014 01:22

I empathise with you as my DD, now 13, won't visit her father for the exact same reasons - he's mean, boring, has a different girlfriend every time she visits. When she voiced this independently through CAFCASS when she was 10 y.o, he took me to court then ultimately he stopped speaking to her and hasn't acknowledged her birthday or Xmas for the past year. His loss.

As long as you continue to give her every opportunity to see him when she wants to and explain to her the consequences of not having him in her life, then let her make her own decisions. At 10, she knows what she feels even if she isn't yet mature enough to have a voice.

DollyHouse · 20/01/2014 02:05

Bit O/T but nice flash of an EA, passive aggressive man there in darkknight. Definitely see the slipping of the mask.

And on topic, I think as long as you reminder her every so often that she can change her mind and see him again, reducing contact wouldn't be a bad thing. We wouldn't send an adult to an EA person so we shouldn't send children either.

IndiansInTheLobby · 20/01/2014 02:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IneedAsockamnesty · 20/01/2014 06:15

Have you not noticed those two posters have turned up on several lone parent threads with agenda filed posts?

I expect they are both members of that org we don't like to name who have popped over for sport.

DarkKnight123 · 20/01/2014 06:59

Hey Dolly, your post made me smile. Well if my post was EA I cant help feeling your setting the bar a little low. In the real world there's often more than one side to an argument, broaden your horizons a little.

DarkKnight123 · 20/01/2014 07:02

Hey Dolly, your post made me smile. Well if my post was EA I cant help feeling your setting the bar a little low. In the real world there's often more than one side to an argument, broaden your horizons a little.

FrogStarandRoses · 20/01/2014 07:02

I think as long as you reminder her every so often that she can change her mind and see him again

I disagree - a child of 10 is old enough to understand consequences of her choices - and the reality of life.

She may not have the chance to see her Dad again - he may not always be there.

That was a stark lesson my DHs daughter learnt when she was estranged from him; and he was involved in a life-changing car crash. The dad she knew left that day; she's never had the chance to say goodbye or see him again. Instead, she faced the prospect of getting to know a completely different person.

Monetbyhimself · 20/01/2014 07:29

Dollyhouse it's scary how they all use the same tactics. smilimg as they make you out to be the crazy one Hmm

FrogStarandRoses · 20/01/2014 07:39

monet do you mean all men? It's scary how all men use the same tactics?
I'm sure that's not what you meant - who do you mean when you say "they all"?

DarkKnight123 · 20/01/2014 08:13

Frogstarandroses - am very sorry to read such a sad post. You write powerfully about how temporary our lives can be and how fleeting childhood actually is. Whatever viewpoints people hold, am sure your words will help them a think a little.

CuttedUpPear · 20/01/2014 08:39

OP I'm sorry to see the negative input on your thread. It's not constructive at all.

I also had this with my DS. His father was EA and obsessive about regular contact, to the point where DS often missed school trips and family occasions because XP wouldn't be flexible about which weekends were 'his' and which were 'mine'.

I feel guilty for all the times I forced DS to go against his will. Eventually, after years of it, I told XP that DS wasn't going to be seeing him. I know I did the right thing. They see each other about twice a year now and DS is loads less distressed.

It seems like your DD is old enough to know her mind. I now feel very strongly that children shouldn't be forced to stay with EA adults if they don't feel comfortable with it.

Do you think that giving her a break from the commitment at least for a while might help?

You XP will just have to behave in an adult fashion and accept her decision.

Skullfucker · 20/01/2014 09:05

Hello op what have you decided?

If two out of the three children already want no contact, there is already clearly issues. I wouldn't want to send a child to someone they didn't want go to.

It's not your fault or the child's it's the df. It's on his toes.

I had to visit my DM every weekend, which got dropped to every other weekend which finally went to NC when I was brave enough to tell her I didn't want to visit. It's no fun bring uncomfortable and clock watching the whole weekend. At ten years old, I took to sleeping as much as I could just to pass the time. I hated it.

Monetbyhimself · 20/01/2014 11:11

I refer to the abusive, PA MRAs who continue to jump on any thread and offer dangerous and damaging advice to women and children. It seems as if you are also a DA apologist with a very clear agenda Frogs, and no insight into the damage that EA does to children.

DarkKnight123 · 20/01/2014 11:18

...and there was me thinking you were referring to the men in white coats.

lostdad · 20/01/2014 11:34

Monetbyhimself - `it's scary how they all use the same tactics'

Who are `they'? Confused

FrogStarandRoses · 20/01/2014 11:38

I refer to the abusive, PA MRAs who continue to jump on any thread and offer dangerous and damaging advice to women and children. It seems as if you are also a DA apologist with a very clear agenda Frogs, and no insight into the damage that EA does to children.

I'm sorry monet I don't know what an MRA is.

You have misunderstood my post - I have not expressed an opinion as to whether the OP should force her DD to see her Dad in this situation; my post was to highlight that the DC's in this situation should be supported to make an informed choice, rather than made promises that cannot be guaranteed.

Misleading a DC into believing that their Dad will always be there, even if they choose not to see them right at the moment, is misguided. I base that on my own experience, where a momentary loss of concentration of the part of a stranger resulted in my DH's life changing forever and his DC's losing the Dad they had known up until that point in their lives.

The OP cannot possible guarantee to her DD that her Dad will always be there if she changes her mind about seeing him - circumstances, or choices made by her ex, may result in her DD not having that opportunity in the future. It is unfair to mislead a DC in that way.

crunchyfrog · 20/01/2014 11:38

Is mediation an option?

I'm in a similar situation, 10 yr old DD often refusing to go. 8 yr old DS1 sometimes refusing, but he has additional needs that complicate things. 5 year old DS2 desperate to see Daddy. So I am listening to all three and really struggling.

We are mid-way through mediation and it seems to be going well.

BTW, the oft-trotted out "you'd make them go to school" is bollocks. If my child was sobbing, screaming, clinging to me etc, I would not send them to school before thoroughly investigating what the problem was, and fixing it as far as possible.

FrogStarandRoses · 20/01/2014 11:39

lostdad I asked that too - apparently it is the "abusive, PA MRA's who jump onto thread and give dangerous advice" - but I have no idea what an MRA is!

FrogStarandRoses · 20/01/2014 11:42

I would not send them to school before thoroughly investigating what the problem was, and fixing it as far as possible.

Exactly! I am a very strong avocate of getting to the bottom of these issues, rather than accepting them at face value and placing responsibility for the solution onto the DC.

Skullfucker · 20/01/2014 11:47

frogs so in theory you would encourage dc to see a parent that is EA and the child is resisting going just incase some thing bad happens to the parent.

Who is actually benefiting from the forced visits?

If you told dd ' sorry dd you should see your df even though you don't want to as one day something bad might happen and he won't be around' that's emotional blackmail .

It sounds as OP has always encouraged access as it was still on going with her dd till she has decided she wants to stop.

If somebody is EA then they lose the right to see their child.

Sorry for your dd and I mean that in a non PA way.

Lioninthesun · 20/01/2014 11:51

I'd try some sort of group counselling. It seems he isn't very good at keeping relationships going? Perhaps all of your children would benefit, especially if they feel the air has not been cleared and in their visits they feel too uncomfortable to talk about anything (I imagine if they aren't able to change the channel from fear then this is true).

I wish anyone would have done this for me with my parents as I was growing up. Too much water under the bridge and things not being discussed leads to a confusing adolescence and by the time you feel adult enough to voice things the moment has passed and you feel like you are dredging up dirt for no reason, even if it means clearing it from your life.

I don't know if they would agree to it but I do think it would be good for all of them in the long run. Hey, even if they just vent at him, at least he will see why they won't see him and they won't carry that around.

DollyHouse · 20/01/2014 11:54

Exactly, Monet. It's the passive aggressive, patronising attempts to shut women down that make it more obvious. All the sarcastic little "good for you"s and completely ignoring making an apology to the OP and instead shutting you down and trying to make you look like the pain in the arse for following it up. It makes it obvious what type of men these people are in real life and makes it clear to me why they have such an agenda.

Darkknight, I said a flash of an EA man. You use the same tactics as many of them, the same talking style, the same type of posts as a couple of other men on here who clearly hide why their relationship really broke down. Patronising, shutting people down etc. I have no doubt in my mind what kind of a man you are and why you post here.

lostdad · 20/01/2014 11:59

Communication is the key here. If both you and your ex are sincere about wanting what is best for your DD nothing is going to work like talking to each other.

If it's difficult to talk to him for any reason - if there is a history of DV or EA between you, if neither of you will compromise, hate the sight of each other, etc. - consider mediation.

Even if you can't sit in the same room as each other there is always the option of shuttle mediation.

I assist a lot of mums and dads going through the court process but a lot of the work is outside it. It's about getting people to talk, to compromise and work out the issues they face as parents. Parenting is hard enough when parents are together. When they are separated and there is a lot of emotion it's nigh on impossible. I see a lot of minor issues that could be resolved in 30 seconds by a quick `Oh...fair enough. Sorry!' turning into whole day hearings where there are expert witnesses there to discuss if a couple of extra nights a year with dad are in the best interests of the child.

The best interests of your child are paramount so long as everyone is safe. It is hard. Maybe your ex is an arse. Maybe he's just clueless. I don't know...the OP will. At the end of the day though it's in the best interests of a child to have a meaningful and good relationship with both parents though...and that's something worth working on.